Koenma sat down on his usual chair as he mindlessly swayed himself in place. He sighed for the fifth time that day. After all the papers he had just finished stamping, it doesn't seem like it was that much. For the first time in his life, he wanted more work to do. More work to get her away from his mind. Everytime her smiles and her face even appear in his mind, he couldn't help but pound a table near him or even pound himself for it. It was his fault. Why she left him. Why she's not here anymore. The reason why she's not there beside him like she usually does. The reason why his days weren't brighten no more by her sweet voice and laughs.
Koenma switched positions as he leaned down the back of his chair. He closed his eyes as he brought back the memories. The bitter memories. The worst scenes of his life had flashed before him all of a sudden...she was there, right there in front of him. She was smiling, but her eyes were in tears and full of sorrow. it was almost like she was holding out to him, calling out to him. Koenma-sama she would always say. There's something about how she always mention his name. An unknown warmth always covered him. But now...it's like every place in his surroundings has frozen cold. No more warmth to melt them off. Koenma shut his eyes closed just thinking of her and the pain he had caused...Botan.
"Botan, come here!!!" Koenma yelled again as he busily stamped every sheet of paper there was in front of him. The ferrygirl weakly walked towards him and leaned down the table.
"H-Hai, Koenma-sama?" she asked. Her eyes were almost half-closed, but Koenma didn't notice, his attention was still glued on his work.
"Get me my other stamp, this one's already wearing off. Also, call Jorju, he still hasn't brought me my tea" he said. Botan's breathing was fast and labored, but she didn't mind. She still forced her body to move. Only a few steps away fromt he large, golden door, her mind had ached in a pain that almost made her fall on her knees. She leaned down the walls, but even the hard-stone walls of the palace weren't enough to support her. She fell limply on the floor.
Koenma heard the thug as his eyes flew on the girl. His eyes widened as he saw Botan lying on the floor, almost lifeless. He ran to her and called out for help. Her breathing was fast and shallow, and she tried hard to open her eyes. She even want to tell him something.
"Ko-Koenma-sama?" she called out. Koenma looked down at her.
"Shh...I'm calling out for help already, just take a rest" he told her. It was probably another one of those things that happen to ferrygirls once in a while. Maybe she just had too much work. In no time, reikai men had already carried her to her room. Only, much to his knowledge, it wasn't what he thought it was.
Koenma went back to his usual job, busily continuing his work. Even the next day the same thing, only stopping once in a while to check on her. Even when the doctor said she needed special care for it because it wasn't as simple as they thought, he still say it would go off. Though the reikai doctor would keep telling him the same things over and over, he just didn't mind at all. Only one day, his thoughts have changed. Almost every person in reikai have come to gather on her room. It wasn't good. She's worse than ever. It will only take time whether she lives...or not. Koenma hurriedly ran to her to rest beside her bed. He asked everyone to get back to what they were doing, to leave both of them alone. Botan held out her hand slowly to him as he warmed them between his own. Her hands were cold as ice. Her face so pale it almost didn't have any color in it. Koenma felt the stabbing guilt in his chest. He should've taken care of her. He had so much time in him, he should have given some to her.
"Koenma-sama...i-it's good to see you again. I've b-been c-calling you for a lot of t-time, but, you didn't come" she said, almost being pained by just the simple opening of her mouth. Koenma could only stare at her colorless lips as she spoke.
"I'm here, don't worry, it'll be okay" he said to her. Even if he was the reikai prince, he couldn't do anything. It's not in his power anymore. He can't ask his father to save her, it's forbidden. But he couldn't just go on like this. He had to save her.
"That's okay...y-you're right..." she paused as she shut her eyes and held his hand tighter. Obviously, she was in so much pain. Her hands are getting bloody, her knees and elbows. But no matter how much pain she had with her, Koenma could still see the beauty of her. She had always been beautiful to him. "Koenma-sama...will you miss me...i-if I...i-if I die?" she asked him. Koenma was startled.
"Don't talk like that, you'll be fine" Koenma assured. The only thing that's painful is that even himself could believe that it could still happen. If it was still possible she'll be okay. Even he himself, prince of reikai, cannot make a move. Botan laughed.
"Come on, Koenma-sama, face it" she said. She tried to smile but even just a simple gesture made it too painful for her. One move and her whole body gets a consequence. "K-Koenma-s-sama..." she said. Koenma went closer to her, only a few inches from her face. Botan tried hard to give him a smile. She felt her whole body weaken, but she was successful. She knew what would happen, it's going to happen. It's time to say goodbye. She faintly felt Koenma's warm palms holding her by her cheek. His eyes were soft, one of his rarest stares she had ever seen. She held out a both hands to cup his cheeks on both palms. "Thank y-you, K-Koenma-sama...goodbye" her breath caught in her throat, like a lump forcing to kill her. Somehow, she managed her final words..."aishiteru...Koenma-sama" she said, almost like a whisper. Her voice was raspy. With tears falling from her eyes, she fell into a deep slumber Koenma knew she'll never wake up on. Koenma couldn't believe it. He couldn't take it. Botan's hand slipped through his hand as he stiffen in place. His eyes were aching, warming...tears were forming. It couldn't be. She couldn't. Not yet. He wasn't done with her yet. Tears are now falling from each eyes. Then rains of them. Koenma could only lean down by her side, whispering the same words..."aihiteru"
It was too painful for him to bear. Feeling so guilty after what had happen. If only he gave her his time. If only he had just listened.
Koenma-sama?
Koenma-sama!!!
Aaaahh!!! Koenma-sama!!!
Aishiteru...Koenma-sama
Even from her last breath, the only thought she had was him. If only she knew, if only she told her sooner. He was a second too late. After the words she had said, he would've told her the same thing...only, she didn't wait. Why didn't she? If only she waited for him. If only she did. He couldn't blame her though. He had thousands of years, thousands of chances to tell her, but he didn't. He only told her when she couldn't already hear. The time her ears weren't listening to him anymore, unlike before.
He sighed, couldn't help but to let the tears fall again. He could only wish she could be back. He wondered how the others would react, especially Yusuke who had been with her on every mission. Then Keiko, who was her best friend. Then Kuwabara, Kurama, Yukina and Shizuru. Even Hiei could get shocked with the news. He just couldn't bear to tell them yet, even he himself can't accept the painful reality. Only memories of her exist now, and that's the truth. The truth. If only people could live in lies. In fantasies. Then maybe he could still be with her...
~owari~
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