It wasn't fair that it should end like this - five cycles of surviving wigged-out PK commanders and evil Mr. Spocks just to die here, in what should have been paradise.
And all for a few minutes of peace- of privacy.
The night had been beautiful, the air crisp and cool. We'd made camp along a lake in a wooded area that was a bit of Washington state with the tall trees that reminded me of the pines back home.
Aeryn and I'd hiked into the hills, searching for a high point to gaze at the stars, although all I'd really wanted was a quiet place to just enjoy holding Aeryn in my arms.
We didn't see the pit.
If it had been daylight we would've spotted it, would've realized that the fallen trees covered a deep, gaping pit. But in the night, with the trees blocking most of the twin moon's light, we didn't see it.
We were crossing the fallen trees, leaping from one to the next. It was silly, a game - but Aeryn was laughing, daring me to keep up with her. The smallest smile from her could make my heart do flips - but like this - the pure enjoyment she was getting out of this competitive game of hers was like a drug, a high I didn't want to come down from.
Maybe that was why it hurts so damn much - to have fallen from Heaven straight into Hell.
The gust of heat from beneath the fallen trees startled us both. Its intensity had even left me dazed and lightheaded, though I recovered quickly enough when I saw Aeryn sway. Instinct kicked in and I leaped toward her, determined to catch and steady her.
But the tree I landed on must have been old or hollow and weak. I can still feel the terror of the moment when I heard the sickening snap as it split and I realized we were going to fall. And not just fall, but fall into wherever that blast of heat had emerged from.
I know I have a few broken ribs, a compound fracture in my right leg, and a gash from the blade I was carrying where it had cut through its sheath and into my leg in the fall. But the pain I feel has nothing to do with this - I don't even feel them.
No - this pain is unlike anything I have felt before. Nothing has ever hurt like this, not knowing I will never see Earth, or Dad or DK again - not losing Mom when I was a kid, or having Alex essentially walk out on me. No, all that combined paled to knowing Aeryn was slipping away from me.
We had moved as far as we could from the vent in the ground that spewed the agonizing heat, but that only helped so much. I kept my distance from her, knowing she needed the space and not my own body heat to add to hers. We tried calling out for help, but the one badge we had with us was damaged and we have no way on knowing if our SOS was even received.
She eventually sought me out, seeking comfort, if not relief, in my arms. And I must admit, I am grateful to hold her now.
It's ending - this nightmare. Time is running short - for her - for us. I can feel her trembling as I cradle her against me, and I remember what D'Argo told me after the Drak encounter about the final stages of the delirium, just before the Living Death sets in. About the tremors that become seizures leading to the Grand Mal, the final moment before the muscles lock permanently and painfully.
It's what I wait for now, as my body monitors the increase in the tremors, the changes in her breathing. When the moment comes, I will take the knife that rests at my side and plunge it into her, stopping her heart and ending our pain.
She's crying - whimpering really - in pain, and I can hear my voice as I try to soothe her. I don't know why I remember this song now -
My voice is hushed, barely above a whisper. It sounds distant, even to me. Like it is all happening to someone else, but my mind can't protect me from the truth much longer. I can feel her settle against me, even as the seizures grow in strength and duration. I feel her lips pressing against my chest and I gently shift her position so that her back leans against me. I rest one hand on her abdomen, so I can feel each precious breath, and feel her own hand grasp tightly to mine. The other I use to stroke her hair, move it off her face and neck. And I keep singing.
My voice trails off as I hear her cry out my name. She is incoherent now. Time slows and I realize how excruciatingly beautiful these last moments are - and how desperately I love her.
I'm scared of what's to come. Not about killing her, killing Aeryn. I know I will do it when the moment comes. I am scared of how easy it will be - because I love her that much. I could never let her suffer. Once the final Grand Mal starts, once there is no hope - I will do it.
And I am scared of living without her, of going to sleep without her arms around me, of waking up to days and years without her smiles.
But keeping her here won't ease my pain. So as the seizures escalate and I hear her crying out to me over and over - "Promise - John - love you", I lay her down on the dirt floor. Tenderly, I brush her hair from her face with the one free hand I have - I don't want to take my other from her grasp -not yet.
I lean forward and brush my lips to hers, a last kiss. I whisper to her, "I love you, Aeryn." Then I sit back and lift the knife.
The seizures are growing stronger, and I pull my hand from her grasp. It feels like I am amputating my own limb and I want to cry out, to howl to release the pain - but I don't. I wait and watch for that last moment, when all hope is over and her body arches from the final seizure, knowing then that I will scream as my soul is shredded.
I look down at her once more, our eyes meeting and I try to smile at her as my tears fall to her face. Placing the knife over her heart, I say good-bye. "It's okay, Aeryn. I'll meet you on the other side someday. I love you." I pause, "With all my heart, Aeryn - more than Earth and Dad and DK - more than anything - I love you."
And I wait for that final seizure to plunge the knife down.
The pain is so excruciating - it blinds me, the world flares to white, and I almost think I see Zhaan there, wrapping Aeryn in a shroud, before it all fades to peaceful black.
Read the sequel: So Quiet in Here.