"Yes, I know there are anti-personnel mines around here. But I'm not part of your personnel, so I should be quite safe."

The plural of "anecdote" is not "data"

Hey, it's not my fault that the Axis of Grammar Nazis didn't order enough 1337-seeking missiles to finish the job.

When one's enemies' actions are illogical, it makes sense to re-evaluate what that enemy's goals might be.

After discarding all data to the contrary, the hypothesis was proven.

I don't think ninjas take government contracts. At least I hope they don't.

The Romans didn't find algebra very challenging, because X was always 10

OPENING OF NEW SPACE ELEVATOR ENDS IN FIASCO
During the official opening of the first space elevator a tragedy happened when the president was asked to "cut the ribbon". This prematurely destroyed the twenty billion dollar project, sending a rock with a 100,000 km long ribbon attached to it into space.

Your high for the day is a nice and cool 291 Kelvin.

Though I Walk Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Will Fear No.....WHAT'S THAT?!!

Personally, I'm OK with a society in which the Side That Gains The Political Allegiance Of The Best Hackers gets to rule the world.

Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with vi and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Best viewed with Netscape 4.7 for UNIX/X on a 1280x1024 resolution with 24-bit color depth, maximum contrast, minimum brightness, in a 1000x960 window placed in the exact center of your display with a colour temperature of 9300K using barco phosphors and connected to an AGP Matrox G200 via 5 individual RG179B/U coax cables with a contact resistance less than 0.1 mOhm, using a UKP 10k data projector placed 3142mm from a 2m diagonal screen in a semiconductor clean room with no more than 5 10um particles per cubic metre of air

I never really understood how there could be things that would drive you insane just because you knew them until I ran into Windows.

"Some call me '^F[a-z\'-]+$', but I have many names"

In German "invent-a-new-word-where-a-perfectly-good-one-already-exists" is probably a word.

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with Windows.

Company asset #423423 was lost while fighting the forces of evil.

Verbogeny is one of the pleasurettes of a creatific thinkerizer.

Microsoft is a cross between The Borg and the Ferengi. Unfortunately they use Borg to do their marketing and Ferengi to do their programming.

Accent the helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.

Bank error in your favor. Collect $200,000,000.

You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your brakes are defective.

A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."

"OK, Charlie, we're going to pierce you with this handful of pins; just tell where you feel better first."

I suspect that bicycle usage among caribou is low, what with the snow and all.

If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, then this sentence would not be false.

I knew if I played dead after you thought you killed me I'd uncover your plan to kill me.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

Programmers always confuse Halloween and Christmas because OCT 31 == DEC 25

We're being attacked by 127.0.0.1! Return fire!

Army: Stop sending us your products.
Microsoft: What if we don't?
Army: We'll make you
Microsoft: You and what army?
Army: . . .
Microsoft: Oh.

If you shoot me, I shall become more dead than you can possibly imagine.

The best way to win a one-on-one fight is to be the third guy.

You keep saying "was" where I expect the word "is".

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Your Honor, I object! The precedent set in United Posidyne vs General Subatomics clearly establishes that transmissions by tachyon mail cannot be used as an affirmative defense against a charge of q-spectrum barratry!

Objection sustained. The bailiffbot will mindwipe the jury regarding the last piece of evidence, and counsel will approach the hoverbench.

The free shipping is extra.

He doesn't know what I'm thinking.
Ok, that was a lucky guess.
So was that.
And that.
Whoa, this is getting weird.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

For the complete works of Shakespeare: cat /dev/random (may need to try more than once)

"Yahoo has released its own search engine. For more info, type 'yahoo search engine' into Google."

Considering the odd legal fiction that deems a corporation a "person" in the eyes of the law, the feature documentary employs a checklist, based on actual diagnostic criteria of the World Health Organization and DSM IV, the standard tool of psychiatrists and psychologists. What emerges is a disturbing diagnosis.

Self-interested, amoral, callous and deceitful, a corporation's operational principles make it anti-social. It breaches social and legal standards to get its way even while it mimics the human qualities of empathy, caring and altruism. It suffers no guilt. Diagnosis: the institutional embodiment of laissez-faire capitalism fully meets the diagnostic criteria of a psychopath ."

"While it may be faster than dlt tapes, 're-typing' is not a valid recovery strategy."

There is a a minority theory that experiments into zero point energy may end up causing this, but we can't let the possibility of universal annihilation stand in the way of unlimited, cheap energy, can we?

If you notice any fundamental constants changing, don't worry.

Great things can be achieved
If you use subliminal tools that are proven to be
Very effective by people with the
Experience in the areas of consciousness,

Memory and mental capacity. If you just believe
Every quack out there there's no telling the

Mess you can get into. So don't trust every
Offer by every amateur with a web page.
Nobody will tell you the bad results. In fact,
Everyone will say they have good results.
You need to do your research well.

Feudalism: where it's your count that votes.

Of course, trying to convince Denny's that you should get both the "bacon and sausage" when they say the meal comes with "bacon or sausage" since it does satisfy "bacon or sausage" ((B^S)=>(BvS)) doesn't work too well either. Clearly they meant xor and not just normal or and are too cheap to print the extra letter.

Windows has detected: "unknown device", and is installing drivers for it.

I hate it when corporate agendas are this obvious, it makes me think I'm missing something, but I can't discern it from the obvious scheming. The crafty and subtle plot gets obfuscated by the blatant one.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

If Chaos Theory has taught us anything, it's that we must kill all the butterflies.

"Baby Seal and Carrots?!! WAITER!!!"

Introducing Pong: the Movie.

Rats, I spilled some. Well, I'll just use a towel to...
Hold on there, this is taking longer than...
No matter, I'll just get the mop and...
Sponge? No...
Paper towels? No...
Hazmat pellets? No...
I may be here awhile.

i??? That's not even a real number!

We can't throw money at this, but we can throw eyeballs.

Initially the answer was found to be 'Segmentation fault' but later analysis showed it to be 3

Even a simpleton with an IQ of merely 210 will be able to understand these drawings; there is no need to document.

21st century psychology has proven that you can't share a hallucination. We'll pass out some acid today to prove this to you.

This T800 model Terminator walks into a bar with a poodle under on arm and a basketball under the other...

After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.

If you want to leave Vegas with a small fortune, start with a large fortune.

Helpful, no? Sorry... I punctuated that wrong... Helpful? No!

I'd say the risks of nanotechnology are of small concern.

Sir, there is a dragon outside with an armful of armor. He's inquiring if we offer free refills.

Say I have an infinite number of socks. . .

Safe exit through the door marked with the 41st Mersenne Prime

Wood you learn to spell if you were board?

This email will self destruct your computer in 5 seconds.
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
If not using Outlook, please click on attachment "EvilVirus.vbs".

Copy should be control-alt-caps-lock-tilde. Paste should be escape-escape-shift-F6 and click the first and fourth mouse buttons. This pastes in two copies, which is what I usually want. If, for some reason, I only want one copy, then after I paste I just press PgDn on the numeric keypad with NumLock on, then hit SysRq twice in rapid succession (usually, within half a second). This conveniently deletes the second copy.

Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

The easiest to measure numbers are also the most useless ones.

"Your password expires every 90 days and you can't use the last two."
"That's OK, I have four grandchildren."

"Bob, you ought to bring over the wife and kids for dinner tonight."
"Sorry, Biff, I have lots of work this evening."
"Are you sure? We're breaking out the ramen noodles. . . "
"Really? Is it someone's birthday?"

We are the Superconductors. Resistance is futile.

If you're going to hold people to the law, you better make sure your law doesn't accidentally outlaw the universe.

The Mona Lisa took about three years to complete, which gives .00000001 FPS.

Just say you have an invisible navy--no one will be able to disprove it!

Violence is the last resort of the stupid. Smart people resort to it much sooner.

Although popular at its inception, the Federal Bureau of Stupidity Permits rapidly proved to be an idea that, had it existed at the time of its creation, would likely have refused permission for its own creation.

These so called "speed bumps" are a waste of time--if anything, they slow you down!

"Given the loud sirens, the whistling sounds, and the fact that I feel a breeze here in this starship corridor... no, I can't figure it out. Computer, what is happening?"

I scratched my nose a little and then depressed the 'W' key, knowing full well the corresponding character would henceforth be displayed in its full glory!

Experience is the hardest teacher: it gives the test first, then the lesson.

The record at the undergraduate department of Computing Science at the University of Alberta is six seconds from plugging in an installed, unprotected Windows XP system until the time it is infected.

The end of the end is "d".

CPU not detected. Using software emulation.

Think carefully before walking through a gate that's shaped like a skull.