It's been raining a lot, recently. The weather's cold, but this must be the coldest night so far. Yet the sky is clear, and the moon shines brightly. Too brightly. The pale clear light hurts my eyes. I could never think of the moon as cold. Only a gentle warmth that I could sense, but never feel. Something to be looked at, from a distance. Not for me the dreams of reaching the moon. I think I hate you. And.. I'm not sure that I should be. Hating you. After all, you've never actually done anything to harm me. You did that just by being who you were. Beautiful Yue. Warm, caring Yuki. Passionate Yue, kind Yuki. Dear Yue.. I saw that in Eriol's notes once. Or maybe it was Clow's, or Touya's, or it might have just been my imagination. Real or not, I have no doubt that they are true. And that somewhere in that perfect world you dwell in, you have people who feel that way about you. Who love you, who care about you, who think the world of you. There are people who love and like me, I know. Eriol, for one, and Suppi- my dear Spinel who's far too serious for his own good, who resents my pranks but loves with me anyway. I love them dearly too, but it's not the same. It's not what I'm looking for. That is, not to belittle their love for me, or mine for them. Suppi loves me as his only sib, his constant companion since awakening, while Eriol loves me because he is Eriol, and only he can. But I am not Yue, and when he talks to me I can feel this sadness, this regret that I'm not someone else, something better then I am. I'm not, and I can't be. I can never and will never be perfect- I can only be who I am. Flawed, selfish, willful, and ultimately, not you. That was something I learned when I realised that Eriol would never look at me the way he looked at you. I did try, once. There was a period of time when I tried being as selfless, as warm and as gentle as you were to him. But then, he looked at me with that light in his eyes, and he said that such behavior wasn't me. So now I try to be as different from you as I can, and Eriol hasn't said anything about that. He seems to enjoy it when I make demands- the sewing, and the spending of money. I make ridiculous demands, pulling off all sorts of pranks and being as annoying as possible. That isn't me, either. But then I don't really know who I am . I don't think that I've ever really known that. I never loved Touya. Liked him, definitely, but only as a friend, someone as passionate and fiercely loyal as he. I wanted to make him fall out of love with you, to prove that for once, just once, there would be somebody who would love me more than he loved you. And yet, no matter how hard I tried.. I failed to hurt you, to even touch you. I hate you, because you are everything that I can never become. You have everything that I don't. And lastly- because I don't know who I would be without you. Hmm.. wierdness. Nakuru is a little- more than a little OOC here, but it's meant as an introspection piece, and it's based on the concept that she's not as genki/hyper as she appears to be, that there's more to her than appears on the surface. I'm not really sure how Eriol/Nakuru/Suppi would interact normally, after the business with the Sakura cards was over. But this is a little look into it. I don't really agree with the standard fandom look into their interaction- what fics I have read are generally good, and it is fun to read of them interacting that way, but still.. I don't know of Nakuru actually having anything close to an upbringing. I would assume that Eriol brought them up, and it seems to have worked in some ways, since she appears to fit in fine with the high school students. But perhaps, perhaps she would feel uncertain? Not sure of who she was? Apart from Yue, she's possibly the only one of her type, and since she appears to be human.. I gave her human problems.