12/23/04 : 8:41 AM [ food for thought ]

"maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back, maybe you have to let go of who you were, to become who you will be.."

11/29/04 : 8:31 AM [ lucid ]

been having reoccuring dreams. same theme, same scenario, different person. what does it all mean? when i woke up this morning i realized it didn't matter. maybe dreams don't mean anything. maybe it's just a heightened state of emotion, an overdramatization of events, or feelings, that we may have experienced recently all jumbled into one big R.E.M. stage IV.

11/26/04 : 3:22 PM [ feeling evil ]

holiday time. not really feeling it this year. am i becoming a grinch? i can see why people who don't have any money commit suicide at this time of the year. everyone is giving, but you can't really give if you don't have anything in the bank to distribute. that's kinda sad. besides, who really gets what they want? "scowl" i hate getting crappy presents. if you don't know what to give me, don't give me anything. take me out to eat or something.

11/22/04 : 3:22 PM [ question ]

what's the difference between being afraid and holding back because it's just not the right time or place? Oftentimes, we regret what we have said vs. what we did not say.

11/20/04 : 11:36 PM [ what is love? ]

i have no idea what love is. love comes in many forms. maybe, you just have to decide which form makes you feel the happiest and most fulfilled. But, like most things, it's easier said than done. i wish i knew what i wanted.

11/17/04 : 6:31 PM [ say what u mean, mean what you say ]
It's still the same day. I can't believe how many things can happen in one day sometimes. I feel sad. Why do people lie? How can someone sit next to you all day long and lie straight to your face when you ask them a question, trusting them as your co-worker, as your friend? How can someone you love lie to you, right to your face, like you are the biggest idiot who will never find out the truth?

the truth always comes out. so don't lie about the shit that matters. it is worth never being trusted again? what does forgive and forget really mean? can we ever truly forgive and forget?

11/17/04 : 12:25 AM.
digging through old things. found these. realized you have to really write things down or take pictures to really remember how you used to feel about things. glad to have emotions even though sometimes they suck. wish i didn't think so much.

10/7/02
I want to run out in the rain
desperate to see you
to touch you
melt into your embrace
feel your fingers against mine
just to meet up with you
kiss you one more time
face to face
your hand in mine
kicking puddles as we walk
laughing, racing in the dark
like two kids who never grew up
you compliment me
like two argyle socks in a batch of only white

Dec 11, 2002
it is too much
my fingers are cold
resulting in typos
wish i could be
anywhere but here
i don't understand
why you won't let me
love you
the way i could
i don't sympathize
with your silent cries
while i yell your name
waiting for that moment
you turn around
i've been standing behind you
this whole time
see depth in my eyes
in exchange for your soul
i want to be near you
holding you against this unbearable cold
that we go through every day
spread some of my warmth your way
but you are too blind to see
that hope is just two left turns
in my direction

you keep walking away
you keep walking away

and i run out of things to say.

am really glad i no longer have to worry about one of them. holla if you feel me