| .born.to.be.president. -july 2001- the cd keeps skipping. in my head. i am not even listening to a cd. no not at all. its all up here. its always all up here. and boys play on stages i am just this girl in a crowd. maybe the girl who doesnt quite fit in her or there or near you. i can feel my back ache and ask me to please sit down. but im not going to. im not going to sit you will have to push me over. the feeling inside, up here in my head, is much too hard to enjoy sitting down. but i sit all day anyway. and wonder where you may be. and try not to drink too much caffeine anymore. i wont be staying up. the boy takes his hat off he puts it sideways he dances while he plays guitar. some sort of smile stretches across my face . and i am happy standing in front of you . even when you do not notice. in this street there are other boys here too . in this street behind this stage. behind me and close enough arms length. and in the back of my mind im thinking that i could come back and find them if i ever needed to. and i think . truly faithful to no one. i am. truly faithful to no one ? and even on the good days sometimes i wish i was back in winter with my hands tucked into my sleeves because you didnt know i loved you then and you probly dont knkow now. it was just easier that way without feeling like i had nothing to say. where everything built up in my and i could hide and be ignored. i didnt worry about whether or not you wanted to be kissed it was just out of the question. i couldnt kiss you i saved it and only in drems and. EVERYTHING ENDS. and why cant i. why cant i ferget ? bcuz that one day i was out there i took a picture of him and he joked around with me and we watched tv with my head against his and i tried not to think much of it. until up in my mind there in my head i wondered if he'd be the only boy who ever loved me back why i couldnt remember seeing myself with anyone else even though i never quite saw myself with him. why i feel fer him when im there and why i cant see him anymore but it takes only one minute to remember that im fergetting or at least trying to. and in that minute im back to him. this boy that makes me so happy but does not appear to know or care really. im back to the feeling of his shoulder blades against my hands or the spot that caves in between his ribs. and i wonder if i really know him or if he really knows me. and does my back feel to him the way his feels to me . and its not even that i need to kiss him all the time or feel his heartbeat or hear his breathing to k now that he is alive and living something that i am not. to know how different we actually are. why it doesnt matter to me i do not know . i told her about how we're always looking to find ourselves in someone else. that you could be the boy version of me but . yer not . no the boy version of me does not exist anywhere . you are not him, and if you were i would hate you . what does it matter though ? if i could get back to that spot in my bed or that place where i held you close to me fer a few more minutes i would go there. right now. that is where id be. fer just a few more minutes. bcuz nothing seems to last anymore. and feelings come and go like everything. and ill never write down ever detail of minutes spent with you ive done that before it always ends in sadness bcuz when this is over, and here i am hoping it wont be fer a few more minutes, i wont want to remember yer kiss or the way you make me laugh and the way you smile and i know yer going to kiss me . and why cant i. why cant i ferget ? this never really mattered but i remember sitting on the swings with her in april and saying yer name. being afraid to say it. we talked about boys and wanting small things like hands and eye contact. and i only wanted to make eye contact with you i HATED myself fer it. honestly. i had always known the feeling would come back ( had it even disappeared no not really with him it was always you ) and knew it would come back harder than before. and im ashamed to say it now but i was worried maybe id be yer first kiss and maybe you wouldnt know how. maybe youd regret it being me . but not knowing HOW who did i think i was ? yeah you know how. ha. ha. ha. its funny to me yeah. god you know how. its just i wont tell you i love you i dont have to love is a boring word and words are boring words anyway. ive said it too many times fer being only seventeen and even though ive only said it to you once or twice in quickpaced emails from where ever ( how many times have you actually heard it from a girl ) . it just doesnt matter. the cd keeps skipping and each track is this reminder of you and yer broken record stories that i always want to listen to . fer always, jess. >run? . |