| that which makes everything else completely irrelevant -october 2000- we are in yer car again and the music is soft and nothing really its just my new favorite band with that singer aw yeah you know the one. of course he is what we listen to with that voice o yes i know what you are going to tell me. i dont want to hear yer music or what youre about to say. i take it all in so quietly and i just want to disappear did you see the moon o fuck. how beautiful is that ? its like all these things we never said or felt or so it seems [how beautiful is THAT ? ] he says all these things and im thinking wow this feels like a bad dream stop being my bad dream damn you. foolish. i dont want to hear but im forced to there really isnt any music it is all in my head bcuz he says the right things. yeah. he does. why dont you ? this is like a broken record and i am opening my window and i'm letting my tears fly out into the nite and i'm trying not to let you see. my nose is running away and when i try to talk cant feel my throat. so i say "o well yes its okay and everything. i love you and everything. and when i kissed you i meant it. i felt so much how funny is it that you didn't feel it too ? you were my liar. now you are just lying. remember that nite and i held you so close to me ? i know now why you always had yer eyes closed. you never really wanted it to be me there when you opened them. well now im just going to ferget yer pinky fingers and the way yer ribs cave in. yes. i am going to need to ferget." but i don't say that. i don't say anything. i just look at the wrong places like yer hands yer eyes yer hair and i wonder if someone else has ever loved you as much as this. if -she- ever loved you as much as this. and i wonder what it is that makes me so unlovable sometimes. i tried but now i quit. Hey did you hear that. i quit. *me .back. |