Max and 99 accidentily get handcuffed together, and Max takes the initiative to get them off. What obscure methods will Max use to get them off? Will they ever get them off? Why is wheat toast so hard and crusty? Why am I asking so many questions? Why am I slipping further and further into the depths of irrlevency? Breakfast at Control 99 was so lost in paperwork that she didn't notice Max creep into the room...until he flung a giant box onto the desk, causing her to leap out of her seat. "Max! You scared me half to death! You could have knocked!" "Sorry about that, 99, but I couldn't. That box was so heavy I had to use both hands to carry it. Besides, this is our office. Other people may need to knock, but I've never had to. Why start now?" 99's heart slowly returned to its normal pace. "I suppose...what's in there, anyways?" "It's the Control Beginner Agent Training Kit. We're stuck with the joyous task of training the new recruits." "That's strange...we've never had to do this before. I thought Agent 13 took care of that." "Yeah, well I was Mo." "Mo?" "You know, that game. Eeny-Meeny-Meiny-Mo. That's how we pick who gets the trainees." Max bit into a piece of toast he was carrying. "Ow! I specifically requested white bread, not wheat. Ugh, those people at the Control Deli are gonna pay for the repair of my chipped tooth. Toast 99?" "Uhh...thanks, but no thanks." Max shrugged and opened up the box, picking out objects of interest. " 'So You've Decided To Become A Control Agent: The 12 Step Program to Convincing Yourself You Haven't Made The Biggest Mistake Of Your Life.' Huh. That's an awfully long title for a book, don't you think?" 99 pulled out an Official Control Brand Secret Agent Disguise Kit (Furry Woodland Creature Edition) and examined it with a dubious expression. "What is this crap? We didn't get anything like this when we joined Control!" 99 took on a sarcastic tone. "Well then, you know the spy business is deadly when they're supplying the new agents with plastic cafeteria sporks." Completely missing 99's sarcasm, Max thought long and hard about the spork's significance. "Hmm...you're right. The world of espionage is so dangerous, we must resort to using plastic utensils." 99 ignored his comment and continued to rummage through the box. "Explosive breath mints...hydrochloric acid Visine substitute...pleather shoulder holster..." A mischievous look crossed 99's face. "...and handcuffs." "Finally something we would actually use!" 99's smile widened as she swung the cuffs around in circles. Max gave 99 a strange look. "99, what are you doing? You're acting like they're special or something. We use handcuffs everyday." 99 edged closer to Max. "Are you sure you can't think of some other way we'd use them? Off duty, maybe?" Max, as oblivious as ever, became frustrated and took the cuffs from her. "Look 99, one cuff goes on me..." "Max, wait, there might not be a key." She was too late. He put a cuff on his own wrist, and moved to her wrist. "And the other cuff goes on you, like this. You use them when you catch the bad guys and -- no key? 99, why didn't you tell me?" "What? I did, but you put them on us anyways!" "Well, if you hadn't forgotten why we used them, this wouldn't happen in the first place! But no, you were swinging them around practically begging me to put them on you--" "Don't you dare blame this on me. How could you think I'm stupid enough to not know what they're used for? I was just playing around with you! It's not my fault you didn't get it." "What do you mean? Get what?" 99 whispered into Max's ear. "Oh..." he began nonchalantly. "Oh!" He started to blush visibly, causing 99 to blush as well. "I told you I was just kidding!" "Aww...too bad." "Max!" 99 was surprised at his response. "I didn't think that you'd ever go for that!" Max leaned in for a kiss. "How would I know unless I tried? There's supposed to be a first time for everything, right?" A sharp knocking came from their office door, accompanied with the turning of the knob. "Max? 99? Are you in there?" It was the Chief. Max spun around quickly, completely forgetting that he was handcuffed to 99. She tumbled to the ground, bringing him with her. "I'd like to--" The Chief walked in, taking in a full view of Max and 99 sprawled out on the floor...wearing handcuffs. Max helped 99 to her feet and waved his cuffed arm frantically at the Chief. "Chief! Do these cuffs come with a key?" The Chief remained silent. "99 wanted to put the cuffs on me, so I--" "No. I'm not listening to this anymore. I don't want to know." The Chief turned around and began to exit. "Chief! Wait, you don't understand!" "No, I don't, and I don't want to. I know you're married and all, but..." The Chief visibly shuddered. "Ugh! Never mind!" The Chief slammed the door behind them before they could protest. "99, what do we do now?" Max whined. "They have to have a set of keys...come on. Let's look in the box." They each grabbed a side of the box and pushed it over. "It has to be in here somewhere." They frantically searched the contents of the box, but the keys were nowhere to be found. "Aww...99, it's hopeless! They're not in here! Hey...wait a minute...they're in the pleather holster!" Max grabbed it and shook it over they desk. "Why aren't they coming out? Are they stuck?" "No, they're not coming out because it's just a piece of lint. Sorry about that." "Oh Max! What are we going to do? We're already late for the trainee meeting!" "Well...why don't we just go like this?" "Max, we're supposed to be experienced agents. What will the recruits think if we show up wearing handcuffs? They'll never take Control seriously!" Max started gnawing on the chain linking their cuffs together. "I saw a badger do this once." 99 sighed. "Never mind. They have no reason to take Control seriously." "What?" "Nothing love. You can keep gnawing." Max rubbed his jaw. "No, I've done enough damage to my teeth with that toast...but I have an idea." "I'm almost afraid to ask...but what is it?" "I think if we tilt our arms at a 33.3 degree angle, and we wriggle our wrists enough, I can get my hand out of the cuff." "Are you sure that will work?" "Moderately. But it's worth a try." After a few minutes of unsuccessfully twisting and turning his arm, Max became desperate. "99, hand me the bottle of lotion and a couple of tissues from the desk. And help me unbutton my shirt when you're finished." "What do you need lotion for?" "Lubrication. Why?" 99 looked at Max with uncertainty. "Max, I don't think this is the time or the place to even think about-" "What? What are you talking about? I'm going to take off my shirt so I can lubricate my arm. It'll slip through easier." "Oh...too bad. I am getting kind of bored sitting around doing nothing." "99, I don't think this is the time or the place to even think about-" "All right, all right. Hold still." Eventually, they managed to remove his shirt and toss it aside. "All right. Now rub the lotion on my arm." "Ok, but I don't think this is going to work." "Thanks Miss Optimistic. I'll keep that in mind." Max's futile attempts to remove the cuffs aggravated him. "We're never going to get these damn things off!" "Thanks Mr. Optimistic. I'll keep that in mind." "Ok, I deserved that, but come on. I'm trying. Do you have any ideas?" 99 thought for a second. "See! So don't criticize-" "Got one!" Max cleared his throat. "Of course! I had complete and utter faith in you. What is it?" "The kit, Max." "99, how is a baby cat going to help us out of this?" 99 gave him a strange look. "Ok...no. I'm talking about the Trainee Kit. There has to be something in there we can use." "Of course, the Trainee Kit! Even I didn't think of that. You are really smart...Mrs." Max chuckled at his own (horrible) joke. "Riiight. Thanks, I think. Come on." "See if you can find a file or something in there." Max held up his slice of wheat toast from earlier. "Found one!" "How clever! A file disguised as a piece of toast!" "Actually, this was what I picked up from the Control Deli. But it's essentially the same thing." "Is it strong enough to break the chain?" Max brought down the slice of toast onto the table, causing the corner to break off and fall to the ground. "Yeah, it might be." "Great Max! Now use it on the cuffs, and hurry!" A few good smashes and a little filing here and there brought the cuff off 99's hand. They were so happy it worked that they didn't notice Larabee enter the office. "Max, you were wonderful!" "What can I say, it's a natural talent. Now you do it to me. And remember, you have to do it hard and fast for it to get off." "All I need now is a seat and some popcorn, cause I'm about to see a free show!" "Larabee!" 99 was startled by his sudden appearance. "Help get this off of me! I just managed to get 99's part--free show? What on earth are you talking about?" Larabee pointed to the mirror in the back of the room. Max stared at it for a while before throwing his hands up in irritation. "Larabee! Stop wasting my time!" 99 looked into the mirror. "Oh Christ. Larabee, it's not what it looks like." "Sure it's not..." Max still didn't get it. "What is he saying?" 99 quietly explained to him. Max looked extremely uncomfortable. "Like we'd do that here at work! Besides, 99's wanted to use these, not me." "Ow! 99! I didn't know you had it in you!" "Shut up, Larabee!" They exclaimed simultaneously. "Come on, seriously now, do you know where the key is?" "Have you checked the pleather holster?" "Yes, it wasn't in there." "Oh. Then did you try this?" Larabee walked over to Max, pushed something on the under side of the cuff, and watched it fall to the ground. 99 stared at Larabee in disbelief. "How did you do that?" "There's a safety latch built into those. Did you actually think that we'd trust new recruits with real cuffs?" Max looked distraught, and spoke more to himself than anyone else. "You mean to tell me that we spent nearly two hours sitting here looking for keys that probably don't even exist, making extreme attempts at taking these things off, when all we had to do is switch some safety latch built into the cuffs and get them off in two seconds?" "No, I mean to tell you that you're supposed to know what to do in situations like these. That why you're one of Controls 'Top Agents.' Top Agent? Give me a break!" Larabee's derisive response made Max snap. He took a step towards him, but 99 reached out and stopped him. "Don't worry about it, love." "But 99--" 99 picked up the slice of wheat toast and chucked it at Larabee, hitting him right in the head. "Ow!" He rubbed his head and began to sob. "That really hurt!! I'm telling on you!" Larabee ran out of the room and into the Chief's office. "Great, now we're going to get in trouble!" "3...2...1." 99 counted down. "Larabee! You deserved it!" The Chief booming voice could be heard through the door. "But Chief! They--Ow!! You too?" Max breathed a sigh of relief. "I guess wheat toast does come in handy, doesn't it? It's too bad Larabee isn't more - 'head'strong! He doesn't know how to get a'head' in life, does he? Come on, 99. Can't I get one laugh outta you? You know it's funny! Show me how funny you think I am! 99 promptly exited the room. THE END