The following excerpt comes from my new manuscript titled "The Weedwacker's Guide to Gargantuan Grass and Other Obnoxious Plant Matter," inspired by my recent weedwacking adventures.
Chapter 1: Advisories
1. When they say "wear eye protection," they ain't kiddin'. Failing to do so could result
in blindness as a result of projectiles hurled at your blinkers. If sunglasses are you[R]
eye protection of choice, please reference advisories #2, #3, and #5.)
2. Utilize caution when weedwacking near gravel. Actually, scratch that.
Never, under any circumstances, weekwack near gravel. If you have any
quandries related to this advisory, see #1.
3. Some matters of plant material, regardless of the level of determination possessed by
the weedwacker, cannot be felled by the plastic tines of said weedwacker. For these
forms of plant matter, I recommend pruning sheers...or metal weedwacker blades.
But I'm pretty sure you have to have a special license to operate a weedwacker fitted
with any metal protrusions.)
On a side note: for those weedwackers that live in trailers and/or modular homes,
plastic underpinning does not fall into the category of things that a weedwacker
cannot destroy. Do not use your weedwacker too close to plastic underpinning
unless you prefer seriously perforated underpinning.)
4. Be very careful not to break or otherwise mangle your weedwacker string. This will
result in many lost hours trying to determine how to reassemble the string
mechanisms so that your weedwacker will once again function properly. For some
ways to prevent string breakage and/or malfunction, see #2 and #3.(On the other
hand, just one "weedwacker maintainence experience will leave you with a newfound
respect for those individuals who work in the lawn care industry.)
5. Never weekwack too close to your own body. However, if you find yourself in this
predicament, you may scream-- but never cry. A weedwacker, much like a wild
animal, can sense fear and quicly usurp control of the situation. Keeping this in mind,
it is vitally important that you pick up the weedwacker (which you will have tossed
several feet from your injured body) and immediately begin weedwacking again. A red
whelt will develop in the area where the weedwacker made contact, but this will not
become immediately evident due to the thick layer of chopped grass that has
accumulated on your skin.
6. Wear long pants when weedwacking. (I understand this may render advisory #5
unnecessary, but I have chosen to retain advisory #5 in this chapter in the dire case
that a weedwacker finds him/herself in the predicament referred to in advisory #5 and,
without the inclusion of advisory #5, would not be aware of the proper precedures
when in that particular predicament.)
7. Never stop weedwacking until you have successfully demolished all intended grass
and/or other obnoxious plant matter. Only then will you experience a sense of
accomplishment for a job well done. You may suffer some upper arm discomfort,
which could escalate into spasms, rendering your arms virtually useless, but your
mind will be at ease knowing that your all your lawn-mower-inaccessible grass is
approximately the same heighth and no longer aesthetically displeasing. At this point
you can enjoy a cleansing shower and celebratory cold beverage of your choice.