Ed's "Choose Yer Own Goddam Adventure" Story
~ Topless Edition ~
Start (1):
Your name is "Shnookums". You're 17 and a guy. Life has not been kind to you,
Shnookums. The life of a rickshaw driver in Ipswich isn't one of glamour.
You rise and shine to another horrid day in the constantly unraveling story
of your life. Choose well, and you just might wind up with a new name.
-get up1 (2)
-sleep in (20)
-scratch (47)
Get up1 (2):
You yawn and meander off to the washroom to splash water on your face.
As you lap palmfulls of water onto yer greasy countenance, you notice
something odd. There's a duck in your toilet.
-prod the duck (3)
-let the duck be (4)
-say "Hey duck." (5)
Prod the Duck (3):
The duck becomes agitated, and begins to peck at you relentlessly.
-retaliate by grabbing it by its neck and flushing it down the can. (6)
-let it peck you 'til it cools down, because it's not really inflicting any
damage. (7)
-try to grab ahold of its legs, then bash it against the sink. (12)
Let the Duck be (4):
Live and let live. You leave the washroom and go for some breakfast.
go to "Kitchen" (48)
Say "Hey duck". (5):
The duck says "Quack". And why not? It is a duck, after all.
-Say "How are you, ducky?" (13)
-shrug and go to the kitchen for some breakfast (14)
-Say "You're not fooling anyone, commie scum." (15)
Retaliate (6):
The duck swirls 'round and 'round in the privy bowl. That's the end
of the duck, at least you think...
go to "Kitchen" (48)
Let it Peck you (7):
The duck quickly loses steam and begins hyperventilating. It motions
to an old inhaler lying next to the sink. You also notice a
container marked "Grandpa Zeke's elephantiasis medicine"...
-instruct the duck to take deep breaths (8)
-give the duck the inhaler (9)
-give the duck Grandpa Zeke's elephantiasis medicine (11)
Deep Breaths (8):
The duck proceeds to do so. It then makes a queer noise and by God
it hacks up its colon at your feet. Disgusted, you turn on your heel
and try to forget that even happened. Breakfast time.
go to "Kitchen" (48)
Inhaler (9):
The duck's erratic breathing subsides. It then has an aneurysm and
lies limp in your toilet.
-flush the bugger. (10)
-flush the bugger. (10)
-flush the bugger. (10)
Flush the Bugger (10):
Go to "Retaliate" (6)
Elephantiasis medicine (11):
The duck shrivels into a tiny little thing no bigger than an aspirin
pill. "Say, that's pretty nifty," you remark.
You're hungry.
go to "Kitchen" (48)
Grab its legs (12):
The duck lies motionless in your hands. How's about some breakfast?
go to "Kitchen" (48)
Say "How are you, ducky?" (13):
The duck says "Not too shabby. Though them geese in the park are
makin' shenanigans."
-reply "I reckon we's gonna have to teach them geese a lesson." (16)
-reply "Poor ducky." And go have some breakfast (48)
-reply "Oh, I think geese are the LEAST of your problems now..." (17)
Shrug and go to breakfast (14):
Hungry? You're damn skippy.
go to "Kitchen" (48)
Say "You're not fooling anyone, commie scum." (15):
The "duck" pulls off its latex mask and dons a fedora. The man in
the fedora says "You never saw me," and flushes himself down the
toilet to god-knows-where.
Offering only a shrug to the situation, you walk off with not so
much as a glance.
go to "Kitchen" (48)
Geese (16):
You go back to your room to fetch your old B.B. gun and a brick you
received as a birthday present from a cheap friend. The duck seems
disconcerted at this. The duck says "Nay, sir. I don't swing that
way."
-because he made you fetch your gun and brick for naught, you punish him
for swimming in your toilet. (6)
-you are disappointed, but decide it wasn't your place to take sides. (48)
Problems (17):
The duck curses at you "The fuck is THAT supposed to mean???"
-say "Oh, nothing..." and leave for breakfast. (48)
-say "I believe you have a pretty good idea..." and wring your hands
connivingly. (19)
-say "Just THIS," and eviscerate the duck and arrange it on a platter on a
bed of iceberg lettuce. (18)
Dead Duckie (18):
All that mindless brutality has made you hungry. How's about a bite
to eat?
go to "Kitchen" (48)
"Ducky" (19):
The duck utters a nervous quack and waddles out of the bathroom with
the toilet scrubber tucked underneath its wing and a bathing cap on
it head. You say "Good riddance," and find that your stomach is
rumbling.
go to "Kitchen" (48)
*****************************************************************************
Sleep in (20):
You're sleepy cuz you just pulled off an all-nighter for a stupid
English ISU that was assigned months ago. So you rest. You wake up
again four hours later to the sound of fire engines.
-ignore the sirens and sleep some more (21)
-get up2 (22)
-look for yer old B.B. gun, because this is obviously a ploy made by some
bastard who wants to steal your stuff. (23)
Ignore (21):
Congratulations. You asphyxiate and die as the carbon monoxide floods
the room as you lay comatose.
Go to "Tu es mort" (75)
Get up2 (22):
You leave your room for the veranda to see what the ruckus is about.
Your neighbour's house is ablaze.
-curse because he never returned your dad's shillelagh (that was your fave) (24)
-dance the "Charleston" because you never really liked him anyway. (25)
-weep openly, because you'll never get to look into his daughter's window
again. (26)
B.B. gun (23):
You cock it and storm out of your room. Nothing's there. Guess you
scared whoever off with your weapon. They'll be back, though.
go to "Kitchen" (48)
Curse (24):
You're not about to give up on that shillelagh. You run into the
burning house, balls and all intent on doing nothing other than
retrieving that shillelagh.
-it's only a shillelagh. Nothing to risk your LIFE over. (48)
-Go for it! It's your birthright! (27)
-panty raid! PANTY RAID!!! (33)
Dance (25):
Well, fun's fun. And the other neighbours are glaring at you.
go to "Kitchen" (48)
Weep (26):
Buck up. There are other fish in the sea, and that secret peephole
in the girls' change room. Get over it.
go to "Kitchen" (48)
Go for it! (27):
You search the burning house vehemently for the shillelagh. You hear
a scream of help from your neighbour's daughter's room.
-ignore it. There's a shillelagh to be found! (28)
-seek out this poor soul, and hope to GOD that she thought it was a hot one
last night. (29)
-take a marshmallow out of your pocket and enjoy the fire. (30)
Ignore it (28):
It's probably just the steam leaving from a lobster. "Scream,"
indeed!
go to "Marshmallow" (30)
Seek out (29):
You run into the room, intent on seeing your neighbour's daughter
and the prospect of possibly seeing her in the nude. When you get in
there, you in fact see that it was just a recording of her's
with the volume cranked up high. You think to yourself "I didn't know
she was INTO that kind of stuff..."
-Jump out of the window (37)
-Jump back into the inferno (38)
-scratch (32)
Marshmallow (30):
You smell the smell of singeing flesh and burning hair.
-run out of the building to ultimately stop, drop, and roll (80)
-continue the marshmallow roast (31)
-scratch (34)
Continue Roast (31):
Congratulations. You are now a human torch. As you run fratically
and screech much like a four year-old girl, you eventually collapse
and sing "Seasons in the Sun" for comfort as you knock on them pearly
gates.
go to "Tu es Mort" (75)
Scratch (32):
You really should shave. And not just your face...
go to "Continue Roast" (31)
Panty raid! (33):
Shillelagh, shmillelagh! Let's get some silk an' scanties!
-continue on (35)
-fudge it. Let's eat. (48)
-scratch (34)
Scratch (34):
Really should take more care in grooming.
-continue on (35)
-fudge it. Let's eat. (48)
Continue on (35):
Running and shielding your eyes from the airborne cinders and falling
ceiling spackle, you make haste to your neighbour's daughter's room.
While in there, you notice something odd. She apparently had an
affection for European bondage devices. Shrugging and intrigued you
notice that the door you came from is now blocked by burning ceiling
girders.
-Jump out of the second story window and gather as much of the trove
as possible. (43)
-Jump out of the window valuing your life over the pleasure things. (37)
-Scratch. (36)
Scratch (36):
This is neither the time nor the place!
-Jump out with the trove (43)
-Jump blindly into the flames (38)
-Try on a discarded teddy. (44)
Jump out (37):
You fall and land on your feet. Your legs immediately give out and
you try your best not to yell out. Too late. Your sissy-girl screams
can be heard from here to Pequoima. People gather around your fallen
body and label you a hero for your valiant efforts to rescue
whoever still laid within. Congratulations, Shnookums, the neighbours
have christened you "Dash".
go to "The End End" (77)
Into the Flames (38):
You shield your face and jump straight in. As you land you break
through the floor and fall breaking through the first story floor
into the basement. In there you find the shillelagh *huzzah*
conspicuously used to prop up a life-sized cardboard cutout of
Margaret Thatcher. You also find an old sword.
-take the shillelagh and get the hell out of there. (39)
-take the shillelagh and the sword. (40)
-take the sword, cuz hey, free sword. (79)
Shillelagh (39):
You try to get up the stairs, but the ceiling falls on you. And if
the impact didn't kill you, the fumes and flames will.
go to "Tu es mort" (75)
Shillelagh and the Sword (40):
No time to dink around! You run up the stairs, immediately cutting
down anything that happens to be in your path *including firemen*
until you leave out the front door.
-I'm hungry now. Let's get out of here and have some breakfast. (41)
-Stick around to see the faces of everyone. (42)
Hungry (41):
You've had a busy morning. You put your beloved shillelagh in your
room and set the sword against your wall. Brekkie time.
go to "Kitchen" (48)
Stick Around (42):
People seemed to be either glad or horrified at seeing you.
Because you saved the family's beloved sword, you are now given a new
name: "Masamune" or "Quick blood-rain" because of your apparent
sociopathological tendencies. Congratulations!
go to "The End End" (77)
Jump out with trove (43):
As jump out with arms full of debauchery, you notice there is nothing
there to break your fall. With lightning quick reflexes or just
impulse, you begin to inflate a blow-up doll to cushion yourself.
Good lord. You live. You just thank God that no one saw. You dig
a hole in your backyard and stash your goods there. How's about
breakfast now?
go to "Kitchen" (48)
Teddy (44):
Fits like a dream.
-Jump out with the most dignity you could possibly retain (46)
-Play 'dress-up' some more (45)
Dress-up (45):
The lace on the teddy catches fire as you rummage for more scanty
garments to garb yourself in.
go to "Continue Roast" (31)
Jump out in Teddy (46):
Well, it's now or never. You jump out and land in your neighbour's
reeking compost pile which your father and the other people of the
neighbourhood have petitioned against. What irony! Now, the people
gather 'round you and gawk. Congratulations. Your name is now
"Scarlet".
Go to "The End End" (77)
*****************************************************************************
Scratch (47):
You're a hairy beast, so you scratch.
Go to "get up1" (2).
*****************************************************************************
Kitchen (48):
Man, are you ever hungry! Let's see...what to eat.
-Fry up an egg. (49)
-Just toast. (50)
-Belgian waffles with a splash of Brandy. (51)
Egg (49):
You fry it up and admire the sounds of crackling oil, and the smells
of pan-fried embryo. You put it on your plate, and complement it with
a screwdriver (sans orange juice). As you swallow the yolk, you
remember that you and all in your family have a pathological disorder
which makes eggs deadly poison. Why do you even have eggs in your
icebox?! Well, it's been nice knowing you, Shnookums.
go to "Tu es Mort" (75)
Toast (50):
Something simple. Besides, you need the fibre. You hear the phone
ring.
-answer it (52)
-ignore (53)
-go to the phone with the display (54)
Waffles (51):
You add a special kick of your own to the already alcohol-saturated
breakfast treat. When you put it into the iron the immediate contact
with heat makes the batter explode violently, taking your torso
with it.
go to "Tu es Mort" (75)
Answer it (52):
"Hello?" you ask. "Hey Shnooky," your cousin Leroy answers.
-"What do you want?" (55)
-"Goodbye, Leroy." and hang up. (56)
-"For the love of Mike, DON'T call me that." (57)
Ignore (53):
Pah. It's probably a telemarketer peddling his wares. The
answering machine gets it. The message says "Hi, this is a call
from the International Let's Give a Poor Sod a Break Foundation, and
we would like to tell you that we feel that your name should be
changed to "Chuckwagon". We believe that this name will get you
further in life than "Shnookums" ever could. Congratulations."
Talk about your easy breaks!
go to "The End End" (77)
Display (54):
You see the number reads "666". You blink and a red guy that looks
like Woody Allen with a pitchfork says to you in a wussy little voice
"I-I think you belong to me, now, Schookums. Or should I say
'Cuddles'?" Wow. You're dead. Wow.
go to "The End End End" (78)
What do you Want (55):
"If you're going to be like THAT, then nevermind." Hmph.
What the hell was THAT all about? Well, the day wastes on.
Looks like "Shnookums" will have to suffice for now.
go to "The End" (76)
Goodbye, Leroy (56):
Good riddance. Back to the toast. You read a newspaper and on the
front page it reads "Shnookums is free". You pause. "I didn't even
think I was being held captive..." you think to yourself. You
read on and it turns out that a new legislation states that all
people by the name of "Shnookums" are now to be called "Boris"
regardless of gender. "It's not like we could do any worse," says
an MP. Well, congratulations, "Boris".
go to "The End End" (77)
For the Love of Mike (57):
"Well, to digress a li'l...did you hear about my new job?"
-"No. Should I care?" (58)
-"Nome." (59)
-"Yes?" (60)
Should I care (58):
"I believe so. I'm the new "Guy who dubs things" at Buckingham."
-"Leroy...buddy, pal, cousin..." (61)
-"Pull the other one." (81)
-"...Thank the Lord almighty." (64)
Nome (59):
"Really? Oh, well. Can't blame you. Don't expect 'em to hear it in
Ipswitch anyway. I'm the new "Queen rouser".
-"Goodonya." (73)
-"What the blood-clot's a 'Queen rouser'?" (74)
Yes (60):
"You heard? Good. Well, so long forever then." A gunshot is heard on
the other line. You wonder what the hell just happened. Then you
decide that toast is a wee bit more important. You eat it and pretend
that phone call never happened, and the day winds on like normal.
go to "The End" (76)
Leroy... (61):
"Judging by that insidiously obsequious tone, I'd wager that you want
me to dub you a new one, eh?"
-"...Please?" (68)
-"No. Actually I'm quite content at being named 'Shnookums'." (62)
-"Dub me already, you clit-licker." (63)
Shnookums (62):
"Really? Well, then. I guess "" was just
another dream never meant to be realized."
...
Now why the hell did you go off and say that? That was likely going
to be a once-in-a-life-time chance. Guess you're going to have to
abduct him and duct tape him to a tube car.
go to "The End" (76)
Dub me (63):
"Fine, fine. Impetutous li'l bugger, ain't ya? I hereby name thee...
Grabbinfitz."
Grabbinfitz. Terrific. Make a mental note to bag him later.
go to "The End End" (77)
Thank the Lord (64):
"What's that? Are -you- asking -me- to rename ya?"
-"That was the idea, yeah." (65)
-"No. I'm just glad there's one less vagrant on our pristine streets." (69)
-"Two words: fringe benefits." (70)
That was the idea (65):
"What's the magic word?" Oh, great. He's doing that 'Jedi Mind Trick' crap with you.
-"Now." (66)
-"Gimme!" (67)
-"erm...'Please.'" (68)
Now (66):
"Sheesh, if that's the way it's gonna be...I hereby dub thee
'Shookums.'" You hear a sadistic giggle on the other side and the
click of a phone on a hook. That bastard.
go to "The End End" (77)
Gimme (67):
"Whoa! Simmer down, now...Say. That gives me an idea...I hereby
name you 'Skippy'."
"Skippy?" you say.
"It's a vast improvement." and the phone hangs up. Well, things could
be worse.
go to "The End End" (77)
Please (68):
"Good, good. It seems that good manners aren't completely lost to
you. Now then...in the name of Her Majesty and all the powers
therein, I dub thee 'XXXX'."
"XXXX?"
"Why not? You'd be quite the popular one if you ever go to
Australia."
"Well...yeah. I suppose...Thanks?"
"You're quite welcome."
Blinking, you go back to your toast and suddenly you have the impulse
to go out and get hammered only to pass out behind the toolshed
out back.
go to "The End End" (77)
No. Less Bums (69):
"Well, I never! That's it, your new name in the eyes of God is now
'Boogie the Weasel-Straddler.'" The line goes dead on the other side.
Good job, Shnookums. Or should I say "Boogie"?
go to "The End End" (77)
Fringe Benefits (70):
"What?! Are you implying that I steal from the state???"
-"Stick it to the man." (71)
-"Well, there are rub-downs, and then there are rub-downs..." (72)
Stick it to the man (71):
You hear a banging on your door. It's the fuzz! That rat-bastard
cousin of yours got you black-listed! No doubt he has set you up
for all the money-laundering that he's been doing. Slap on the
wrist? Not likely. Your new name is likely going to be "Sugar-muffin"
when you are spending your days on a cot with your "Sugar-daddy".
go to "The End" (76)
Rub-downs (72):
"Too right. In fact, I'm about to attend one right now. [aside]
What's that? Coming, Lizzy! I was just looking for the zucchini and
the Canola oil..." The phone hangs up. You don't even want to THINK
about what is going on on the other end. Disgusted, you try not to
even imagine what's happening as you chew on your stale toast.
go to "The End" (76)
Goodonya (73):
You tire of his vacuous babbling and hang up. You did your service
just answering the phone to the blighter. You look out the window and
notice a growing dot on the horizon. It's a cruise missile. Three
guesses who it's from.
go to "Tu es mort" (75)
What the blood-clot? (74):
"I give the ol' girl a shot to the jugular once in a while to keep
her awake. She just don't have the steam she used to. We used to
shove a living rodent up 'er tuckas just so she'd crack a smile in
public."
go to "Goodonya" (73)
*****************************************************************************
Tu es mort (75):
You're dead.
Go to "The End"
*****************************************************************************
The End (76):
Looks like you made all the bad decisions. And you didn't even get a
name. Tsk and Tsk.
go to "The End End End"
*****************************************************************************
The End End (77):
So, you got yerself a new name. Good for you.
go to "The End End End"
*****************************************************************************
The End End End (78):
Well, congratulations. You finished one way or another. If you got
a name, you might want to try this thing again with other
decisions to see what other names and traps you fall into. If you
didn't, then play again anyway!
Auf Wiedersehen!
*****************************************************************************
Loose Ends:
Free Sword (79):
The sword begins to quiver in your hands as you hold it. It speaks
"Thou art not worthy to wield me," which is quite odd, since it
hasn't any orifice for it to speak through. Then it proceeds to dice
you into bite-sized little pieces fit for a rottweiler.
go to "Tu es Mort" (75)
Stop Drop and Roll (80):
Boy, don't you feel STUPID. Oh well. I think breakfast sounds really
good right about now.
go to "Kitchen" (48)
Pull the other one. (81):
"I kid thee not!"
-say "Bonza! Can you pleeeeeeeeease name me something decent?" (82)
-say "Lying scum." (83)
-say "Could you give Goosey-loosey and Cocky-locky new names?" (84)
Something decent (82):
"You know, I bet I could." Then he hangs up. What a bastard.
go to "The End" (76)
Lying Scum (83):
"Well I knew THAT wouldn't work...Spare a tenner?" You hang up
abruptly. Fuckin' vampire. Well, the day winds ever ever on.
go to "The End" (76)
Goosey-loosey & Cocky-locky (84):
"And why would I waste our tax money on such trivia? If anything,
I'd rename Uranus to 'Arse-world'".
...
You hang up. "Moron," you say out loud. You're obviously going to
get more help from a paraplegic proboscis monkey than from that guy.
go to "The End" (76)