My Dumb Ass Letter To Cassandra Claire
This is what I wrote when I was trying to read Draco Dormiens. I think I was the only person in Harry Potter fandom who hadn't read that fic. This letter made my husband spout milk from his nose so here it is...


Dear Cass,

I'm keeping my promise to review Draco Dormiens for you, and when I started reading yesterday morning, I even took notes so I could leave the most thoughtful, insightful, and thorough review you have ever gotten.

Well...shit happens.

I told my hubby I needed some time to myself, so I could read your fan fiction. I understand it's required reading in Harry Potter Fanon, and frankly I was becoming a little embarrassed by not being able to talk intelligently about it. So he said he'd watch the baby so I could read and give a nice polished review.

Right.

10:26 am - I have only just begun reading, and I'm at the part where Draco has stepped on Seamus Finnigan's toes, and I'm thinking to myself, thank God this chick has a rabid sense of humor when my neighbor knocks on my door to ask for a favor. He wants me to watch his pet dachshund aptly named "Hannibal" because they have to go out of town on an emergency. Let me tell you how much I hate this little dog, Cass. It looks like a mad scientist crossed a deer and a rat to create this ugly little booger, but I can't very well say no can I?

11:30 am - I'm really enjoying your characterization of Draco at this point. The little git has just finished saying how much Harry needs a haircut and he actually seems REAL and I'm so happy that he isn't running around all evil like, biting the heads off of live babies that I can't wait to continue, which I would have right away...if I hadn't heard my husband screaming, and then my toddler laughing her head off. That's rarely good.
So I pry myself away from the computer and go into the living room to find that she has dumped her bowl of macaroni and cheese on her father's lap, squealing away and clapping her hands together 'yay!' and he looks at me, obviously in need of help.

2:15 pm - I make a note while reading that if I had been one of the unfortunate souls who was reading this while you were writing it, left to deal with your evil little cliffhangers, I would have been one pissed off fan girl. I'm now at the spot where the woman in the portrait at Malfoy Manor is going "MASTER LUCIUS! MASTER LUCIUS!" and I'm laughing out loud because it reads like a scene from "Gone with the Wind" and my husband comes in and tells me that the damn dog is nowhere to be found.

Shit. My neighbors paid a fortune for that little bitch. But we haven't been anywhere all day so at least we know Hannibal is somewhere in the house. I decide not to worry about it and keep reading.

3:37 pm - I'm REALLY into this fic now. And I've just gotten finished reading the part where Harry is pissed off at Hermione for snogging Draco senseless in the wardrobe. Let me say that I also like your characterization of Harry. I'm so sick of Harry being made to look like Jesus in every other fanfic. "And Harry so loved the fucking world..."

4:00 pm - Nature calls and I have to pee. I start thinking about how I'm going to tell you how wonderful this fic is without sounding like a giddy fangirl. Then I go into the bathroom, and have a seat. That's when I get this odd feeling that I'm being watched. I look over in the corner and…well…lets just say it's a good thing I was already sitting on the damn toilet. Hannibal is staring at me with an evil grin across its little rat face.

Hello Clarice…

Fuck! So I throw the toilet roll at it and the little bitch just sits there smirking. Well, I don't know how I managed to do it but I take care of business and then scoop up the dog. I take it downstairs to my husband and daughter who is holding her hands out and yelling 'Puppy!' and I give it to her. Yep. I handed the little rat dog to my toddler, who I felt fairly certain would torture it for a few hours (ducks flames from PETA people).

Whose the bitch now ratdog?

4:23 pm - Sorry, back to your review. "Sirius," she said firmly. "Enough with the free-association. Please speak English." See Cass, its lines like these that make people pee in their pants. You are one clever, clever chick. You really brought these characters to life for me. Most people leave their characters very one-sided, but you didn't bring us demi-god!Harry or bloodthirsty!Draco or supersmart!Hermione. You brought us REAL people.

5:00pm - No distractions. I finally reach the end, and I can't believe it took me that long to read it.

Final Review: I loved it. Adored it. Funniest thing I've read in a long time. Witty, well written, not overly complicated, and clever. (I can just see you falling over your keyboard from the originality of that last sentence) So I'll read the other two one day, when the hubby is out of town, the baby is at grandmas and the goddamn ratdog is at home, where she belongs.

Later,

Dionne