ch4

Matt and Meagan run into the lobby faster than a speeding bullet. As they are coming in, they nearly run over an old man.
Old Man- (calling after the pair in his old, hoarse voice) God speed!
Matt and Meagan- (look over their shoulders) Thanks!
They run up to the big screen TV where a group of old ladies are watching a cooking show.
Old Lady #1- (her mouth is wide open, and she stares at the screen) Ooh, look at that technique…
Old Lady #2- (staring in awe) I never knew a Christmas cookie could look that scrumptious…
Matt and Meagan- (they look at each other and whisper) Scrumptious??
Matt walks over to Old Lady #1, who is clutching the remote, and snatches it out of her pudgy, wrinkly hand.
Old Lady #1- (growling) Hey, what are you doin’, Sonny?!
Meagan- (points towards the front desk) Look, it’s George Foreman!
The old ladies jump up from their seats.
Old Lady #3- WHERE?!
They run…*ahem*…hobble over to the front desk.
Meagan and Matt slap hands and laugh.
Matt- (changing the station to ESPN) And now for some real TV!!
Meagan- Alright!!
They sit down on the couch and start watching the game.

***

Tory and Anna kneel, huddled in the far corner of the bathroom, hiding in case Amy comes in.
Tory- (whispers) Do you think it’s safe?
Anna- (whispers) Tory…it’s been ten fricking seconds. Of COURSE it’s not safe. Geez…(shakes her head)
Tory- Well, sorr-EE.
Anna stands up slowly, tiptoeing around the stalls.
Tory- I thought you said it wasn’t safe!
Anna- Shh! I am checking to see if they are still out there…(she presses her ear to the door)
Through the door, Anna hears Amy’s shrill, loud voice and lots of clapping.
Amy- Gimme a V…dot the I…twirl the C…T…O…R…Y…
Anna sighs, stepping back from the door.
Tory- Wait…are they chanting my name?? (She leaps up and runs over to the door)
Anna- (rolls her eyes) Oh Lord…
Amy- …T…O…R…Y…
Tory- YES! They ARE!! Oh, I knew they loved me…
Anna- It’s part of a cheer…
Tory- I know…about ME…
Anna- Stupid, they’re spelling “Victory”…
Tory- Oh, brother! They know not to call me Victoria…
Anna smacks her forehead.
Anna- NO. Victory…you know…like…winning.
Tory- Well, I AM a winner. You know that.
Anna- (sighing) Let’s just get out of this bathroom, ok?
Tory- (her ear still plastered to the door) Wait…I’m listening…
Anna notices a door on the opposite wall of the bathroom and grabs Tory’s arm.
Tory- Ah! What are you doing…?
Anna- You freak. We are leaving.
Tory- (whining) Oh…Anna! Come on…
Anna- No. (She pulls Tory across the bathroom and out the opposite door)

***

Chris and Frankie are speed walking towards the elevator, on their way upstairs to get changed.
Chris- Geez…I’ve never met anyone as obsessed with cheerleading in my life…
Frankie- Dude, I know…that Amy is putting a bad influence on poor young Jesse…
They get to the elevator doors and Chris presses the up button.
The door opens shortly after and the two of them step in. As the doors are closing, a hand grabs the door. With the hand there comes a faggish scent…
Chris and Frankie’s eyes get HUGE…as they back against the wall of the elevator.
A voice is heard outside the door… “Me ENCANTA John!”
Chris and Frankie’s heads jerk to the side and they look at each other.
Chris and Frankie- JOHN!! AH!!!!!
They push the doors open, being very careful not to get within a few feet of John, and take off down the hallway.
John’s jaw drops at the sight of Chris and Frankie in nothing more than swimming trunks. He is mesmerized…
John- (calling after the boys) Nice bods!!

***

Melissa and Greg stroll into the lobby hand in hand, laughing.
Greg- Thank God we got out of that!
Melissa- Oh I know!
Greg- Wanna show me that Venus Flycrap?
Melissa- (rolls her eyes, smiling) Well, how should I know these plant names?
They walk past the front desk, where three old ladies stand, talking to a bellboy.
Old Lady #1- We’re lookin’ for a “Mr. Foreman”…
Old Lady #2- Yeah…you seen him, boy?
Bellboy- (typing into his little computer at a hundred miles an hour) No, ma’am…there is no one here by that name.
The old ladies groan.
Old Lady #3- Don’t you lie to me…
Bellboy- (rolls his eyes) Ma’am, there is NO ONE here by that name.
Old Lady #1- Say…what is that crazy contraption you’re pushin’ on?
Bellboy- Ma’am, it’s a computer…
Old Lady #2- A sewer?? It can’t be…
Bellboy- No, ma’am, a computer…
Old Lady #3- That’s what she said, isn’t it?
Bellboy- (sighs loudly) Weren’t you looking for someone…?
Old Lady #2- Oh yeah…Mr. Foreman!
Old Lady #3- This lad says he’s not here…
Old Lady #1- Well…he IS famous…maybe he signed in under another name!
Old Lady #2- Yes, yes! Good, Dolores! (She jumps, then grabs her back) Ow…
Old Lady #3- Try “Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine”…
Old Lady #1- Agnes, be sensible! That name is far too long…
The bellboy rolls his eyes as Melissa and Greg walk by, laughing.

***

Jesse and Amy are out on the tile floor next to the pool, where Amy is showing Jesse different cheer routines.
Amy- So, this is how you jump…(She does a jump-kick thing)
Jesse is concentrating hard, his facial expression a serious one.
Jesse- Ok...got it…(He attempts to do the same but instead slips on the wet tile floor, flying back into the pool)
Amy laughs, shaking her head.
Jesse comes up from underwater, thoroughly disgusted with himself, and slaps the surface.
Jesse- Oh, cornmuffins! I will NEVER make it as a cheerleader!!
Amy- Oh, yes you will! Trust me, Jesse, you are PERFECT…
Jesse- REALLY?!
Amy- Oh, yeah! I can picture it now…
*The screen fades out like on Saved By The Bell*
Jesse is in the center of three other cheerleaders. He wears a little cheerleading uniform, and his hair is pulled up in a little “ponytail”. Suddenly, he is hoisted up into the air, standing on the others’ hands. He does a jump twist into a perfect basket toss. The crowd of millions goes wild, all chanting “JESSE, JESSE!” Jesse smiles proudly as his eyes move along the judging booth…10…10…10…10…10…
A woman walks out on the mats and hands Jesse a HUGE trophy, as he does the little “cheerleader fake crying bit”.
Woman- For you, Jesse McCartney…the best male cheerleader in the world!
Jesse, crying hysterically, takes the microphone from her as he spots Amy front and center of the crowd, giving him one of her “I knew I could do this for you” smiles.
Jesse- (into the microphone) I’d like to thank my mom…my dad…my sister…my brother…Grandma…Grandpa…Aunt Lucille…Uncle Joe…cousin Ned…that lady who ran into me at the grocery store last week…my dog…my cat…my newt…my fish…my fish’s friend…the raccoon I found on the side of the road…the cable company…the ice-cream man…the whole Sesame Street crew…Barney and Friends…Bugs Bunny…Milton Bradley…Barbie…
*Five minutes of listing goes by*
Amy looks at Jesse, horrified.
Jesse- Oh, and Amy.
*The screen fades back to real life*
Jesse stares off into space, fascinated.
Jesse- Wow…
Amy- It could happen to you, just like it happened to me…
Jesse- That really happened to you?!
Amy- (shrugs) No…but the squad did get second place last weekend at sectionals!
Jesse- (gives her a high five) Alright!!

***

During a commercial break, Matt begins to lean in on Meagan…
Meagan- (laughs, leaning away) Easy, soldier…
Matt leans back, disappointed.
Matt- (under his breath) Damn…
Just then, Meagan spots Melissa and Greg across the lobby.
Meagan- (waves) Yo!
Melissa and Greg walk over.
Greg- What be goin’ down, Meggie Meg?
Meagan gives him a strange look.
Meagan- Uh…nothin’, Greggie Greg…
Melissa- Hey, guys.
Greg- (noticing Matt on the couch) Mattie Matt, my boy!
Matt- (giving relatively the same look as Meagan) Uh...yeah, Greg, my…uh…dawg…
Melissa looks at Greg with a pout.
Melissa- Don’t I get a special name…?
Greg- Oh, yeah! Whoops…sorry ‘bout that…Issie Iss!!
Melissa smiles with satisfaction and kisses Greg on the cheek.
Matt sees the pair and turns away, facing the TV.
Greg- Why so blue, Mattie-
Matt- AH! Stop that!
Greg- (puts his hands up) Whoa…sorry, dude…I guess I could just call ya Matt…
Matt- Yeah, that would work…
Meagan- What’s your deal, Bally?
Melissa- (whispers to Greg) Didn’t he want to be called Matt…?
Matt- Oh, nothing. Just that you never kiss me on the cheek when I do something…even as dumb as make up a nickname.
Meagan- (biting her bottom lip) Oh…I’m sorry, Ballinger! (She pats him on the shoulder)
Greg- I got an idea…
Matt, Meagan, Melissa- What?
Greg- (his eyebrows go up and down) Let’s go upstairs and “watch” the game…
Melissa- OK!!
Meagan- Ok…but only during commercial breaks for me.
Matt has this confused look on his face.
Matt- Um…guys…maybe it’s just me…but, uh, don’t most people watch the game when the game is actually on?
The other three roll their eyes as Meagan grabs Matt’s hand and the four of them walk across the lobby to the elevators. As they pass the front desk, they spot the three old ladies conversing with the bellboy, who is about to rip his little hat off.
Bellboy- (through clenched teeth) Ma’am…I am telling you…there is NO ONE here by that name…by ANY of those names…
Old Lady #2- Could you just check one last time-
Bellboy- (starts breathing like a madman) No…ma’am…I…can’t…
Old Lady #3- Winny, let my handle this…(to the bellboy..) Listen up, young man in your little flying monkey hat! We came over here to get some assistance. Right now, we COULD be watchin’ Diane Wolfe whip up a green bean casserole surprise…but NO…we came over here to find Mr. George Foreman-
Old Lady #1- Our IDOL…
Old Lady #3- …And you, young lad, are of NO help. Is there someway we can speak to the manager about this??
The bellboy begins to laugh.
Old Lady #2- Oh what is it, ya little Poptart?!
Bellboy- (laughing) You actually think I would get in trouble because George Foreman isn’t in this hotel??
The old ladies look at each other and back at the bellboy, nodding furiously.
Old Lady #3- They told us he was here!
Bellboy- Who…?
The old ladies turn around and point at the four kids.
Old Lady #1- YOU!!!
The old ladies begin to chase the four, who are cracking up as they turn a corner and sprint down a hallway.

***

Chris and Frankie bolt down hallways, nearly stampeding helpless maids, bellboys, and little kids. They are about to run into a little girl when they come to an abrupt halt. Unfortunately, the girl’s ice cream cone is knocked out of her hand. She gives them an EVIL look, like she’s going to beat them up.
Chris- Oops!!
Frankie- Sorry…uh…(he reaches down to search his pockets, only to discover that he has none)
Little Girl- You jerks!! (She stomps on both their feet)
Chris and Frankie- OW!!!!!!
Frankie- You’re crazy!
Chris- Damn you, little girl!
The little girl sticks her tongue out and as Chris is bending down to massage his aching feet, she pulls his hair.
Chris- (his eyes are huge) Oh…this is WAR!
Chris makes a grab at the little girl’s ponytail, but misses.
Little Girl- (making faces at Chris) Nananana booboo!
Chris- Oh, shut up you little b-
Just then, a man steps out of the door behind the little girl. He’s about seven feet tall, and likely over 300 pounds.
Man- (in a REALLY deep voice) What’s goin’ on here?
Little Girl- Daddy, they ruined my ice-cream cone!!
Chris and Frankie- (look at each other with terrified expressions) DADDY?!
Little Girl- Yeah, stupid. That’s what I said.
The man looks at the boys and crosses his huge, muscular arms.
Frankie- (whispers to Chris) Man…I wonder if he drank some of Greg’s Bicep Revealer…
Chris starts to laugh.
Man- What was that, boy?!
There is a short pause as Chris and Frankie just stare helplessly at the ground.
Man- You two ruined Ethel’s ice-dream cone…now you’re gonna PAY…(he rolls up his sleeves)
Chris and Frankie- (without realizing it, whisper at the same time) Ethel…?
Little Girl- Get ‘em, Daddy!!
The man starts to chase Chris and Frankie down the hallway, both of them screaming like little kids.

***

Anna and Tory are walking down a hallway, talking about various things.
Tory- Yeah, so I decided to take a chance and buy the Braidini…
Anna- (yawns) Fabulous…
Tory- But when I got it, all I did was take it out of the box and the stupid thing broke!
Anna- (sarcastically) Oh…no!!
Tory- I know, right?! Well, I got my money back, Anna, don’t worry.
Anna- Ya did?? Well, great. Now I will be able to sleep.
Tory- Wanna know the BEST shampoo?
Anna- Do I have a choice…?
Tory- Thermasilk. Hands down, it is the best.
Anna- Thank God you told me, Tor. I’ll go buy some right now!!
Tory- But Anna, your money’s upstairs…
Anna- Tory, I was JOKING.
Tory- Oh…
Just then, Chris comes sprinting around a corner about twenty yards down the hall. Frankie is right behind him.
Tory- Oh, look…they can’t WAIT to see us!!! (She runs toward Chris)
Anna- Aw….hey Frankie! (She runs toward Frankie)
They run at top speed right past them.
Tory- Chris…
Anna- Frankie…
Chris- (panting) Hey…girls…can’t…talk…now…big…guy…chase…us…down…hall…way…
Anna- Say wha?
Just then, the huge man comes bounding around the corner.
Tory and Anna- AH!!!
They chase after the boys, running so fast, they manage to catch up to them.

***

Amy and Jesse are working on the “jump shake your booty” cheer in the lobby, because Jesse kept falling into the pool.
Amy- Ok, it goes ‘jump shake your booty, jump jump shake your booty’…
Jesse- (concentrating too hard to hear correctly) ‘Hump rake your tooty, hump hump rake your tooty’…is that right?
Amy- Too cute, Jesse, but…… no.
Just then, the hotel service team comes marching through the revolving doors. Amy and Jesse don’t see them.
Amy- How about we do our FAVORITE cheer??
Jesse- OK! Yes, yes, favorite cheer…
Amy- Ready…Set…
They begin to chant REALLY loudly.
Jesse and Amy- I said burr…it’s cold in here…I said there must be some Toros in the atmosphere…
The old ladies have retreated to the couch to watch Diane Wolfe.
Old Ladies- SHUT UP!!!
The hotel service team marches over toward Jesse and Amy, their faces all twisted and angry.
Jesse- Ah…ah…I’m scared…oh my god…I’m gonna pee my pants…
Amy- Ah…ah…me too…um…(she turns around and notices a hallway) RUN!
They take off down the hallway.
Service Team Member #1- Sick ‘em, boys!
And with that they are off on a wild goose chase…

***

All three groups are running toward each other, though they are not aware of it. At an intersection, they all smack into each other, falling over into a big pile with poor Jesse at the bottom.
Jesse- Ah! Get off me, Chris!
Chris- Dude, I can’t! Tory, get off!
Tory- Ah! I can’t, I’m under someone’s head…
Amy- That’s not my head…
Meagan- Kruisedale, get off before I punch you!
Melissa- Oh and how do you plan to do that?? Plus, I can’t move because someone’s foot is on my face…ew…
Matt- Sorry…
Anna- Frankie, get the heck off my leg…
Frankie- Sorry babe, I can’t. Greg, man, get your butt off my head…
Greg- What’s wrong with my butt?
Jesse- Ok…who is on the top of this pile…?
Melissa- Really, now…AH! Matt get your toe out of my mouth!!!
Matt- I’M SORRY!
Frankie- Greg is…he has to be…
Greg- Impossible…
Tory- Greg, buddy, is anyone on top of you??
Greg- No…
Meagan, Matt, Jesse, Amy, Frankie, Anna, Tory, Chris, Melissa- THEN YOU’RE ON TOP!
Greg- Oh…heh…sorry. (He stands up and brushes himself off)
Anna- Frankie, you’re next.
Frankie- Ow…my stomach…whose heel is in my stomach…
Chris- Ow…my heel…whose stomach is on my heel…
Meagan- Galasso, get up, you moron.
Anna and Frankie- Hey!
Frankie- Once Chris gets his bony-ass heel out from under my perfectly chiseled Abs…
Chris- Frankie, dude, I can not move.
Amy- If your abs are so perfect why don’t you flex them and you won’t feel a thing…
Anna- Yes, yes, flex them dear…
Frankie- Well…ok…(he gets up and then helps Anna up after him)
Greg- Three down, seven to go.
Jesse, Chris, Tory, Amy, Matt, Meagan, Melissa- SHUT UP GREG!
Jesse- Matt, you’re the next one…get up!!
Matt- Ah…ooh…my toe…Melissa, quit biting my toe!
Melissa- I am not biting your toe!!!
Matt- Well somebody is…
Chris- Dude, get the hell off the pile.
Matt- Aw, shut up I’m goin’…ow! Honestly now, who’s biting my toe??
Amy, Jesse, Chris, Meagan, Melissa, Tory- NO ONE!!
No one has noticed, but John has caught up to the group, and is biting Matt’s toes.
Matt looks down at his feet and screams.
Matt- AH!! FAG!!
Melissa- AH!! Matt get off me, Toe Boy!!
Matt leaps up and he, Greg, Anna, and Frankie run for their lives down the hallway.
John- Yippee!! (He dives into the pile)
Meagan- (kicking and screaming) AH!!!! OH MY GOD! (She squirms around and borrows her way out of the pile, taking off after the other four)
Chris and Tory- AH!!!! MY HAIR!! HE’S GONNA RUIN MY HAIR!!! (They too squirm out and run off after the others)
Amy- Hi-ya! (She kicks John in the face, jumping up and dragging Jesse with her as they run like the dickens down the hall)
Yes, that’s correct. Melissa is the only one left. John has pinned her and kissed her right smack dab on the lips. After grabbing about five yards of rope from his pocket, he ties her up, puts her in a nearby wheelchair, and they’re off to the fire…

***

The nine kids race up to the eighth floor on the stairs, not bothering to take the elevator. They sprint down the hall to the girls’ hotel room, locking themselves in. They are all panting and trying to catch their breath, glad to be alive. Matt makes a mad dash for the bathroom to disinfect his toes.
Chris and Tory hug, Amy and Jesse hug, and Anna and Frankie hug. Meagan hugs a poster of Derek Jeter, being that Matt is currently unavailable. Greg looks around for Melissa.
Greg- Oh my god, guys…
Meagan, Tory, Chris, Anna, Frankie, Amy, Jesse- What?
Matt- (from the bathroom) What?!
Greg- (starts looking around frantically under all the furniture) Where…?
Everyone watches Greg with confused looks.
Chris- Dude, what is your deal…?
Greg’s head pops up from the other side of one of the beds. His face is pale.
Greg- (stammering) Where…is…Melissa…?
Everyone exchanges worried looks and they begin to tear the room apart in search of Melissa.