ch22

The girls are in their hotel room, getting ready for the party.
In the guys’ room…
Matt is in the bathroom, taking a sponge bath (lol). Frankie and Chris are readying their room for the girls.
Frankie- (checking things off on his clipboard) Silk boxers?
Chris- Check. Color-coded, each with our own initials on them.
Jesse walks by in his orange boxers, the letters JAM embroidered on the left leg. He points to Frankie’s green FJG boxers, and Chris’s red CRT boxers. He giggles.
Frankie- Right…Kenny G?
Chris- Check.
Jesse walks by with his saxophone, pretending to play Kenny G.
Frankie- ‘Do not disturb’ sign?
Chris- Checked and hanging.
Jesse returns from hanging the sign.
Frankie- Breath mints?
Chris- Wintergreen and spearmint.
Jesse pops a Mentos in his mouth and gives Chris and Frankie a cheesy thumbs-up.
Frankie- “Champagne”?
Chris- (holding up a Welch’s Sparkling Grape Juice) Check.
Jesse pops the top off of the juice, and the cork sails through the air, knocking a vase off the dresser.
Frankie- Careful! Glasses?
Chris- (tapping a plastic wine glass) Elegant and durable.
Greg sits on the edge of one of the guys’ beds, on his cell phone. He is wearing his yellow GFR boxers.
Greg- …Yeah Mom, so I think we’re just going straight to bed. Skating wore us out.
Jesse attempts to pour the juice into a cup, instead spilling a bunch down the front of his orange boxers.
Jesse- AH!
Frankie- (shaking his head) Loser… Candles?
Chris- Check…Should we go with the vanilla or the cinnamon?
Jesse strikes a lighted match for the candles, accidentally dropping it into Chris’s highly-flammable hair balm. A huge burst of flames shoots to the ceiling and simmers back down to ashes. Greg drops the phone, accidentally turning it off and disconnecting his mom. The guys stare at that spot in disbelief.
Chris- M-m-m-m-my BALM…(shrugs) Oh well. I have a back-up.
Frankie- Jesse! You IDIOT! (Looking back at his clipboard) Hmmm…good question. I’ll leave that up to you, my good man.
Chris- (nods) Vanilla.
Frankie- Good. Bon-bons?
Chris- (patting his butt) Yep, right here.
Jesse tosses a bon-bon in the air and catches it in his mouth, momentarily lodging it in his throat. In a panic, he punches his stomach, sending the bon-bon soaring through the room, toward the bathroom door just as Matt- wearing his blue MSB boxers- opens it.
Matt- H---
The bon-bon flies into Matt’s open mouth, momentarily lodging in his throat. He stops, eyes wide. He takes his non-broken arm and begins punching himself in the stomach. The bon-bon flies out of his mouth and goes sailing out the window, nailing a bird and sending it on a final plunge toward death…
Frankie- (shaking his head) Ok…I’ll just say that’s a check.
Matt coughs, as he looks at the brown spot on the ceiling, above where Chris’s balm used to be. His eyes slowly wander down to the dresser, where a pile of ashes in the shape of Chris’s balm sits. A final puff of smoke rises up from the rubble. His gaze turns to the broken vase on the floor next to the dresser.
Matt- What the hell…?
Matt looks over at Jesse, noticing his soaking wet boxers.
Matt- Dude…sorry I took so long. You know sponge baths…But hey, if you had to use the bathroom, I would have understood…
Jesse, Chris, and Frankie look at each other.
Jesse- Aw, no, it’s ok. Boxers…they’re good for something.
Matt cringes as Jesse laughs.
Greg- Well, that was…interesting…
Frankie- Well…let’s move, we gotta clean this mess up! They’ll be here any minute!
Matt hops over to the nearest bed and sits down to watch as the four others race around the room. Frankie sweeps the ashes off of the dresser and into his hand, before dumping them into the garbage can. Chris picks up the pieces to the broken vase.
Chris- Got any Scotch tape?
Greg shakes his head as he stands on the dresser, trying to rub the spot off of the ceiling. Jesse runs over to close the open window, accidentally tripping over the garbage can, spilling the ashes onto the carpet.
Frankie- JESSE!
Jesse- Oopsie! Sorry, Frankie!
Jesse sweeps the ashes under the dresser and continues over to the window.
Frankie opens his mouth to protest as the door flies open.
Mrs. Raposo stands in the doorway. Her eyes gaze around the room, from Matt, to Chris, to Jesse, to Frankie, to Greg standing on the dresser.
Mrs. Raposo- What on earth are you boys wearing? And Jesse…did you have an accident?
Jesse- Um…no…I spilled water on them…when I was brushing my teeth.
Greg- Oh…uh…Lou ordered ‘em. For…uh…the next photo shoot…
Mrs. Raposo- Hmm…I don’t remember anything about satin boxers…must have missed a memo.
She smiles before turning to leave. On her way out, the girls open their door.
Tory- Eek! Shut it!
The girls slam their door shut.
Mrs. Raposo- Silly girls. Must be heading out for a soda.
Frankie- (whispering to the guys) Girls…
Greg- Hey, well, Mom, we’re gonna get to bed now. I’ll call you in the morning.
Mrs. Raposo- Alright. Goodnight, sweetheart. Goodnight, boys.
Frankie, Greg, Matt ,Chris, Jesse- Goodnight…
She leaves the room, quietly closing the door.
Greg tiptoes over and opens it to peak out. Once he is sure his mom is safely back down on her floor, he knocks on the girls’ door. Before they make it to the door, Greg dashes back into the guys’ room, closing the door.

***

In the girls’ room…
Meagan- (sitting on the bed, holding her crutches) Somebody’s knocking…
Anna- Uh-oh…I bet it’s Greg’s mom…
Tory- We’re in big trouble!
Melissa- (walking over to the door and looking through the peephole) Hmm…there’s nobody there…
Meagan- Oh well…let’s go over to the guys’ room now.
The girls head across the hallway with all of their stuff.
Amy carries her bag, her pillow, and her stuffed bear. She is wearing her Spongebob tank top and shorts. Melissa carries her bag and her pillow. She is wearing her blue satin pjs with popcorns on them. Anna carries her bag, her pillow, and Meagan’s pillow. She has on an old basketball shirt and her yellow pants. Meagan has a backpack. She is wearing an old volleyball shirt and sparkly shorts. Tory has two suitcases, three make-up bags, and two pillows. She is wearing an “I Love Me” tank top and the same shorts as Meagan.
Amy knocks on the door in a steady rhythm.
There comes a reply on the other side.
Amy continues the knocking.
More knocking continues on the other side.
Amy knocks back, clearly amused.
The knocking on the other side keeps going.
Amy knocks back.
Melissa- Would you open the door?!
Amy- Ok, ok…shh…chill out.
Amy slowly turns the doorknob, and the girls enter the guys’ room. Greg leaps off of the dresser, landing right next to Frankie, setting his arm casually on Frankie’s shoulder. Chris smoothes out a spike, stands straight up, and puts his hands on his hips. Jesse covers his boxers with his hands. Matt stands up, a little too quickly, and winces, falling back onto the bed.
The girls look at the boys in awe.
Anna- Wow…
Melissa- Nice…
Tory- Gorgeous…
Meagan- Yummy…
Amy- You guys look beautiful. Just…MM!
Frankie, Greg, Matt, Jesse, Chris- Thanks…
Frankie- You girls don’t look too bad yourselves.
Anna- Oh, it’s nothing.
Meagan crutches over to the bed and sits down next to Matt.
Matt- How’s your ankle?
Meagan- Ok. How’s your arm…and head…and legs…?
Matt- Good.
Tory walks over by Chris.
Tory- Those shorts really bring out your tan…I love it…
Chris- (smiles seductively) Thank you.
Greg- He spent an extra few hours in the tanning bed this morning.
Chris punches Greg as Greg laughs.
Chris- I did not.
Jesse- Amy, I LOVE your pjs!!!!!!
Amy- Thanks!
Jesse- Where did you FIND them?
Amy- Kids ‘r Us!
Jesse- No fair! Last time I checked, they were all sold out!
The other kids laugh.
Anna- What were you doing at Kids ‘r Us?
Jesse- Oh…just browsing…actually, Timmy wanted something.
Amy- Say…what’s on your boxers, Jess?
All the girls turn to look at Jesse’s boxers.
Jesse- Hey! I uh…uh…uh…
Matt- He had an accident.
Jesse- Actually, that’s true. I spilled Welch’s-
Frankie elbows Jesse in the stomach.
Jesse- Umph…champagne.
Melissa- Oh…I see…
Jesse- We have to turn Spongebob on! It’s 9:59!
Amy- Ah! Hurry!
Jesse and Amy sprint to the TV and flip on Nick just as the opening credits for Spongebob come on.
Amy- “Oh…He lives in a pineapple under the sea…”
Jesse- “Spongebob Squarepants!”
Melissa- Riiiight…
Greg- So, I was thinking we could-
Meagan- Play Yankee Monopoly? *note: we made this game and the pieces up*
Anna and Meagan- (pull the box out of Anna’s bag and hold it up) Us too.
Matt- Sweet!
Frankie- Dude!
Greg- Well, that isn’t exactly what I had in mind…
Matt- Oh well…we should play.
Frankie- Yes, we should.
Frankie, Anna, Matt, and Meagan begin setting up the board.
Chris- How about we alter the rules?
Tory- How so?
Chris- Well…how about when we pass go, instead of getting 200 dollars, we get 200 kisses?
Tory- Ok!
Anna- Hmm, let’s think…no.
Greg- Why?
Meagan- Well, Greg, because that could take hours.
Matt- I think she has a different type of kiss in mind…
Melissa- Well, if time’s the problem, we’ll lower it to 10 kisses.
Tory, Meagan, Anna- Deal.
Frankie, Greg, Matt, Chris- WHAT?!
Meagan- (whispering to Matt) Remember the “different kiss” I had in mind…?
Matt- (to the group) I say 10’s ok.
Melissa- Ok…I call the thimble!
Frankie- The dog is mine!
Anna- I call the baseball helmet!
Greg- I get the glove!
Meagan- I call the World Series trophy!
Matt- I’ll take the home plate.
Chris- (diving at the game box) I want the hair balm!
Frankie- Uh…that’s Yankee Stadium.
Chris- Oh…
Tory- I call…um, what’s this thing?
Matt- That’s a bat.
Tory- Oh, heh, right.
Melissa- I’m first. (She rolls the dice) Hmm…2 and 3. That will take me to Ruth Railroad.
Tory- What a dumb name for a railroad. Ruth.
Melissa- It is named for Herman “Babe” Ruth, a Yankee from the late ‘20s. His statistics show that he excelled in-
Greg- Ok, sounds good, hun. I’ll go.
Greg rolls the dice.
Greg- 1 and…Ha! 26!
Matt, Frankie, Chris, Tory, Melissa- What?!
Meagan- Oh. There’s a 26 on there…for the 26 World Series championships they’ve won.
Anna- Yep. Haha…
Chris- (whining) Well now Greg’s almost at Go!
Greg- Yes, that’s true. HAHA!
Anna- I’m going to go now.
Anna rolls a 4 and a 5.
Frankie- (reading from the ‘property’ card) Um…would you like to sign Hank Aaron?
Chris- Who cares? I want my kisses.
Chris rolls a 1 and a 1.
Chris- Damn it!
The others laugh and continue to play, turning the game into a kissing contest. An hour later, Jesse and Amy have joined the game, and the standings are…
Greg…250 kisses
Meagan…170 kisses
Anna…160 kisses
Matt…150 kisses
Frankie…130 kisses
Melissa…90 kisses
Jesse…50 kisses
Amy…40 kisses
Tory…30 kisses
Chris…10 kisses
Chris- (in an outrage) How can you POSSIBLY go around a Monopoly board 25 times in one hour?!
Greg- Well…I guess the game is in my favor.
Frankie- I’ll say. The closest person behind you is Meagan, and she’s only made it around 17 times.
Chris- Well still!
Meagan- I’ve been playing this game for years. I know all the tricks.
Chris- So you cheat??
Meagan- Nope…I’m just better at it than you.
Tory- I hate this game…3 times is good for Monopoly.
Melissa- Yes but not good enough, sweetheart.
Chris- I quit.
Tory- Me too. Come on, Christopher.
Tory and Chris get up and walk over to the chair. They sit down and start to make out.
The others roll their eyes.
Frankie- Oh well…we’re the good ones. Let’s go. Matt, it’s your turn.
Matt rolls two 26s and slides his home plate around the board, collecting a whopping 20 kisses in one turn.
Matt- (after his twentieth kiss) Allllllright!
Meagan- Ok…someone else go now.
Melissa- It’s my turn.
Melissa rolls a 2 and a 3.
Melissa- GEEZ! I cannot move more than 10 spaces at a time, can I?
Greg- Guess not. Oh…gee, would you look, it’s MY turn!
The guys roll their eyes as Greg rolls the dice: two 26s.
Greg- Ha! I AM the best. Oh, and if you roll two 26s, you get to roll again.
Matt- Um…I didn’t…
Greg- Oh well, you snooze you lose. Again!
Greg tosses the dice onto the board: two 26s.
Greg- YES! Again!
Greg rolls two more.
Greg- Again!
Two more 26s for Greg.
Greg- A-
Frankie- ENOUGH ALREADY!
Greg jumps back, startled.
Greg-(crossing his arms) Well THAT was rude.
Matt- Greg, that’s like 80 kisses in one turn.
Greg- You’re right! (Pointing to his face) Ok girls, let’s go.
The game continues on until Greg has made it around the board 50 times. He is voted the winner, as everyone else is getting bored.
Anna- What do you guys want to do now?
Jesse- I know what I want to do…
Greg, Frankie, Matt- Make out?
Jesse- No…play “Super Cheerleading Deluxe”!
Tory and Melissa- OK! {Think back to Chapter 8: “You’re Not Matt, Are Ya?”}
Amy cheers and hugs Jesse. The others groan loudly, shaking their heads in refusal…then realizing Tory and Melissa have agreed.
Chris- Why the hell…huh?
Greg- Melissa, come on, snap out of it…you don’t want to play that game…
Melissa- Sure I do!
Meagan- Dude, it’s 12:00…no cheerleading games permitted.
Amy- Says who??
Anna- We ALL do. BELIEVE me…
Amy- Ok…fine. Be that way. But I have a back-up…
Meagan- (whispering to Matt) Oh boy…
Amy- (pulling a game out of her bag) Dream Phone!
Melissa- Oh, we’ve played that game before!
Tory- Oh yeah!!
Meagan- Yeah…in like, third grade…
Anna- I don’t remember playing that.
Meagan- You did. We both did.
The two shake their heads in disgust.
The guys look at each other with puzzled expressions.
Matt- Um…I can’t say I’ve ever played that game before…
Frankie- Neither have I…
Chris, Greg, Jesse- I have.
The others look at them.
Greg- Well, my sisters have it, and they play it all the time. And they’ve asked me to play a few times…
Chris- More like all the time. That’s why I’ve played. Greg MADE me when I was over.
Greg- Did not! What are you talking about?
Jesse- I play Leah’s just for the sheer pleasure of doing so. The game is the best. How come you’ve never played, Matt?
Matt- Well, you know…David was never into Dream Phone…
Frankie- He was more along the lines of Pretty Pretty Princess, right?
Matt- Exactly.
They laugh.
Jesse- I was serious! Dream Phone is a classic. You really should play.
Melissa- Come on guys. You only live once.
Meagan- Oh…fine. How about we play as couple teams?
Matt and Frankie- Ok…fine.
Matt- But me, Meg, Anna, and Frankie are together.
So, the teams are:
Frankie, Anna, Matt and Meagan (The 50% inexperienced team)
Greg and Melissa
Chris and Tory
Jesse and Amy
Frankie- (after Amy has set up the game board) Ok…how the hell do I play this?
Jesse- Ok…you roll the dice and then you dial the guy’s number-
Matt- Wait…HUH?
Amy- Duh…Dream Phone is about calling the cute boys! Look…(she holds up a card) Here’s Simon!
Meagan- Ew…what an ugly freak…I remember I always tried to avoid Simon. I liked Pierre.
Anna- Oh yeah! Pierre’s hot. So is Michael.
Frankie- (shaking his head) God…ok, who’s going first?
Jesse- US!
Jesse rolls the dice and Amy picks a card.
Amy- Yes! Francisco!
Jesse- YES!
Matt and Frankie roll their eyes as Amy calls Francisco.
*Ring Ring*
Automated voice- Hello. This is Francisco. I think you’re a cool friend, but I am not the one. Try Justin. See ya!
Jesse- Wait!
*Click* *Imaginary dial tone*
Amy- Rats…
Chris- We’re next.
Tory rolls the dice and Chris picks up a card.
Chris- Ew…um, Peter.
Tory- (peering at the card in disgust) Ick…I could care less if that guy likes us.
Jesse- Oh well, gotta call anyway.
Chris picks up the phone and dials Peter’s number- 555-1374.
*Ring Ring…Ring Ring*
Chris- (frustrated) Peter! Pick up the phone, you retard!
Automated voice- Hello. You have reached Peter.
Tory- Oh gee…go figure!
Automated voice- I can’t come to the phone right now.
Tory and Chris sigh loudly before hanging up on Peter’s “answering machine”.
Tory- Retard…
Greg- Calm down…Melissa, we’ll go now.
Melissa rolls and Greg selects a card.
Greg- Sweet! We got Luigi! My Italian brother!
Frankie- Hey!
Greg- Well…my Dream Phone Italian brother.
Melissa- Well, here, I’m calling.
Melissa dials Luigi’s number…
*Ring Ring*
Automated voice- Hi there! It’s me, Luigi.
Greg- Luigi, my bro!
Melissa- (elbowing Greg) Shh…
Automated voice- I don’t like you…no way! Call Trevor...Bye!
Greg- Hey, w-
*Click* *Imaginary dial tone*
Greg- Luigi…he betrayed me…
Matt- (laughing) You’re a loser, dude…
Meagan- Our turn.
Matt rolls the dice and Frankie picks up a card.
Frankie- (jumping back) Ew!
Anna and Meagan start cracking up.
Matt looks at the card.
Matt- (putting a hand up to his mouth) Oh dear…
Jesse- Who’d you get? Who’d you get??
Frankie- Um…Jan…?
Amy- Ah ha! The transvestite!
Meagan and Anna start laughing even harder, falling backwards.
Frankie and Matt- EW! Dude!!!!!! (Looking at each other) You call…damn it!
Matt- Rock paper scissors!
Frankie- Fine…
They do best out of three, and Matt wins, so Frankie has to call Jan.
Frankie- Dude…this is so unfair…ok…(As he dials) 555-9245…
Automated voice- Hi! This is like, Jan! I LOVE you!!!
Frankie, Matt, Meagan, Anna- EW!!!!
Jesse- Snap! They won!
Frankie and Matt- Really?
The four slap hands.
Amy- Stupid Jan!
Chris- We have to play again!
Tory- Yeah! And if I get Peter again…
Jesse sets the board up a second time.
Jesse- K…our turn.
Amy rolls the dice, and Jesse selects a card.
Jesse- Oh man! I hate this one!
Amy- Who is it?
Jesse- Joseph. With his huge glasses and dumb buckteeth.
Amy- I’ll call.
Amy dials Joseph’s number.
Automated voice- Hey, it’s me, Joseph. I just got back from kicking my truncated icosahedron…that’s a soccer ball. *snort* Hey, I used to like you a ton…but I’ve moved on. Sorry!
*Click* *Imaginary dial tone*
Amy- Man!
Jesse- (leaning back and crossing his arms, a disgusted look on his face) Joseph never likes anyone. He needs to get a life.
Meagan- Dude…it’s a game. There is no Joseph.
Jesse- Yes there is! My uncle’s name is Joseph.
The others roll their eyes.
Chris- Our turn!
Chris rolls, and Tory chooses a card.
Tory- This is more like it.
Chris- Who is it? Chris?
Tory- No…it’s Theo.
Chris- Hmm…Theo. That’s quite a ‘fro he’s got goin’.
Tory- I like his ‘fro.
Chris- Lemme call.
Chris dials Theo’s number.
Automated voice- Yo, it’s me, Theo. How are you? I don’t like you…but I know somebody who does! Later!
Chris- Theo, wait-
*Click* *Imaginary dial tone*
Chris- Dumb Theo won’t tell me who likes us.
Tory- Well, he was probably sworn to secrecy.
Greg- Ok, Melissa, we are going to win this game.
Melissa- That’s right. And when we do, we get to throw pies at you four tomorrow at the carnival. (She looks at Meagan, Matt, Anna, and Frankie)
Anna- You’re not going to throw a pie at me.
Greg- When we win, we will. (He rolls as Melissa picks up a card)
Melissa- Alright…we got Andy.
Greg- Go ahead…call him…
Melissa- (she takes a deep breath before dialing) Ok…555-4712.
Automated voice- Hi, it’s Andy. What’s up? Sorry I’ve been a little shy around you lately-
Melissa- Ah HA!
Greg- See, he’s been shy!
Automated voice- It’s because I like your sister. Don’t tell her…please? Later.
*Click* *Imaginary dial tone*
Greg and Melissa sit in wide-mouthed shock.
Matt snatches the phone from Melissa’s frozen hand.
Frankie- That’s what you get.
Frankie rolls, and Matt picks up a card.
Matt- (frustrated) DUDE!
Meagan, Anna, Frankie- What…?
Matt- Jan…AGAIN.