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Broken Trust

The wind whistles and bangs against the house as the storm brews outside; the young woman watches the storm swirl outside, lightening flashing through the sky as rain pelts the ground. The storm tossing in turmoil much like the turmoil raging inside of herself. She tucks long limber legs beneath her pulling a blanket tighter around her, small hands coming to swipe at the tears that silently fall down her cheeks. Long sun kissed auburn tendrils fall about her shoulders tangled from her restless sleep. Sighing she kicks the covers off of her bare legs, unfolding her long legs she stands and moves to the glass, opening the door she steps out into the rain, her head tossing back letting the rain wash over her, wishing it could wash away the pain she has caused. The rain mixes with the girls’ tears, she stretches out her arms, turning her palms to the skies capturing the rain in her hands but not closing her fingers against the rain. Her voice a whisper in the night "Please forgive me Master for I have sinned, I have loved you for so long yet I turned to another. I hate myself Master I hate what I have become. I just want your love, your passion, and your touch. It does not excuse what I have done." Again the girl sighs and turns away knowing He can't hear her prayer but hoping for the chance. Soaked she steps into her apartment once more, walking slowly through her apartment she goes to the bathroom stripping from her clothes. She looks in the mirror frowning at her reflection, yet looks deeply at herself not really liking herself all that much. A soft sigh parts her lips, narrowing her eyes wondering why she has to hurt people. Stepping away from her reflection she turns on the hot water then steps beneath it to chase away the chill from the storm, the coldness deeper then just her skin, the water beats down around her, her hair clinging half way down her back and face, her hands come up resting on the wall letting the water warm her wishing it would warm her heart. Shaking her head she wipes her hair out of her face, lashes sweeping downward as she thrusts her face tilted towards the spray letting it blast around her. Taking her loufa sponge she soaps it up then begins scrubbing her body, her hands slow, stroking along her curves, her voice whispering "Ohh Master, mmmmm" the sponge moving easily over her wet soapy body up along the underside of her breasts letting go of the sponge it hits the tub floor, with her head tossed back Izabael begins moving her hands across her body with more deft strokes, losing herself to the passion of thinking of His touch, her Masters hands flaming her body. Realizing what she is doing she blushes deeply, her skin turning different hues of reds and pinks. Rinsing she steps out of the shower, wrapping a large towel around her she moves into her bedroom, flopping into her desk chair looking at her computer. With a sigh she logs on, her fingers fly across the keys as she taps out a message to her Master. "Your girl can't explain her worries, her fears, they are there Master, sometimes stronger then others sometimes it overwhelms her. Is it too much of her to ask that you touch her? Is it too much of her to beg you to teach her to surrender. The walls are there Master around her, surrounding her; she so wants to give everything to you. *sighs* Master, Your girl is terrified.".. She hits send. Knowing He won't answer today, that He might not answer tomorrow but that He won't answer her questions not outright anyways. Drawing one leg to her chest she stares at her computer for a long while before she opens a document. Words sometimes coming easier to her if she writes. Her soul exposed to Him in the way she expresses herself. Wondering if He even reads the words she writes. With a sigh she begins to write, exposing herself in more ways then one. Wishing He only knew how much she truly cared, that her actions were actions of fear not actions to hurt Him, or turn from Him. With another sigh the words begin to come easier, flowing across the screen.
There are so many words I wish I could tell You Master, thoughts, expressions, questions I wish that I could ask. So many nights I look at the clock and want to turn to you but you aren't anywhere near. I sink myself into my words, my thoughts, and my stories. These are extensions to my soul. Surrendering isn't easy for me Master, letting go is so difficult. I am not proud of what I have done, that I turned easily to another online. I am not proud that I let desire and lust get the best of me. I am not sorry that it opened a door even if many closed, it opened a portal of communication between us. I now know some of your feelings regarding me, and yes it terrifies me. You terrify me but not in a bad way. You make me want to learn more, you fire my belly, oh my gawd do you make it burn, burn so badly so deeply. I see your name come on and I get chills, literally chills that race down my spine and I smile. If I think about you during the day I smile, just a little smile that flits across my lips and I get this dreamy expression on my face. I wish I could film it for you. I wish that I could explain the feelings that rage with in me. I don't know sometimes about how things will go, you've become such a part of my life I can't imagine it without you. You are the air I breathe, the water I drink, and the food I eat.. I sound like a hallmark card." She says with a soft laugh.
Izabael looks at the time, wishing He were with her, holding her soothing her jangled nerves. Her thoughts mix together as her fingers click across the keys, her teeth nipping at her bottom lip as she pauses in thoughts and the words fading away. With a sigh she stops then starts again.. "I know that I destroyed a level of trust Master, but I have hope that I will build that back. For three years you have been the strong rock in my stormy life, the anchor when I needed something told me down. You listened when I needed to talk and held me when I needed to cry. You bring a great happiness to my life you settle me and make me feel wanted, cherished and loved. I know you do not say the words 'I love you girl' but for now I do not need to hear them you show me how you feel by the amount of time you have given to your girl by your return to Gor. I would love it if You allowed me on Your lap more or that You touched me more and not just sexually but other ways. I enjoy our talks about music, you are teaching me many things and I'm eager to learn. I even wish you talked more in GTR and helped with the conversations, I'd love to see you give me something to chew on word wise that is. " Again she sighs as the words move across the screen. With a soft smile she looks at the clock, covers a yawn. Her last words flitter across the screen "Good night Master.. Your pet hopes you rest easy and think of her as she thinks of you" As always, your sweet lil Pet, izabael{E} always and forever yours. With a click it's gone, flashed across her screen, stored into a document for Him to read another time.
Again she yawns knowing it will be a long, long night again. Sleep forever alluding her. Struggling with her self she decides to go to bed. Letting the towel fall away she steps to her bed, slipping beneath the flannel sheets, the lights flicker out yet is illuminated by lightening outside. Tossing and turning as she dreams of a golden haired man, looking at her from the distance his head shaking from side to side as if He's totally hurt by her. As he stands watching her she watches Him disappear behind walls, she cries out to Him "Please oh please do not please do not block me out. I want to be with You please Master do not turn Your back upon Your girl" She sobs in her sleep as the dreams shift pushing her into a softer place, a wooded area, a babbling creek, she sits beside the flowing water staring at her reflection then looks up hearing a deep chuckle as he steps from the trees arms loaded with wood that he's cut. Tossing them aside he strides to her dragging her to her feet. His arms wrap around her tugging her into his arms, his hands sink into her hair as he bends her back kissing the daylights out of her then setting her back to her feet watching her facial expressions. He again laughs whispering in her ear "Izabael you are so easy" Laughing he turns away from her leaving her alone once more. The dream shifts again this time she sits alone in a room, a stark white room, alone staring at the door as if it were going to open knowing it wouldn't. Loneliness engulfs her as pain rips through her soul, her heart being ripped apart by the lineless and the pain that she caused. Hot tears flow down her cheeks as she rises and walks to the door tugging on it to see if it will open. The knob turns pushing it open she steps out and looks around again to find herself in the beautiful meadow. She turns in slow circles looking around. Dark eyes narrow as she hears nothing not even the sweet sound of the creek. With a sigh she steps back through the door yet again the room has changed bringing her back to her room, thrashing in her bed she wakes sobbing quietly. Kicking the covers from her she sits up shaking the weird dream away whispering "Oh Master what have I done.."

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