SECRET OF THE LAKE
Everything that once begins
must have an end--that’s the unwritten law of nature. It is my opinion
that everything that begins at one place must have an end at the same place.
Just a while ago, I confirmed that theory.
It is unbelievable that
the lake looks so calm and that its surface is so smooth and peaceful as
nothing has happened. As it isn’t interested in anything. As
it doesn’t want to be interested in anything. And yet, I sent into
its depth the man whom I had killed with my own hands just a while ago.
Only five minutes ago, there was a struggle for life and death and he lost.
He appeared suddenly like always and looked at me with fear in his eyes--or
so it seemed to me--and I had to stand on his way. I had
to kill him because that was the only way. When I came to him with
my fists ready, a flock of birds flied up out of the nearby grove making
a lot of noise. Then, there was a fight, a moan, a splash.
And that was all. The lake’s stillness was deranged for just a moment.
After that, there was a silence again and only birds continued their twitter
from a very distance.
Like nothing happened...
It's strange, but I feel
calm, too. As I have done the most common thing in the world, as
the murder is something that is absolutely normal, as it is the only possible
way of solving problems. I feel pleased, I feel satisfied.
Actually, I enjoyed killing him. Do you think I am crazy? No,
I am not. But, I’ll have to explain everything to make you understand.
* * *
I was born here on this lake--right
there in that small wooden cottage that is bashfully peering out of the
woods. One weekend about twenty-five years ago, my mother came over
here to find inspiration for writing; instead, unplanned and two months
before the expectation, she got me.
Maybe that’s the reason
I’ve always liked spending time on this place. I don’t know, but
somehow the lake has always been something special to me. As a kid,
I would have come here to swim, to collect pebbles on the beach, to go
fishing. I would have come here to think when I had problems and
to share my pleasure and happiness when I was satisfied.
My story began one sunny
afternoon when I was a ten-year-old boy. I was sitting on the beach
and indifferently throwing pebbles into the water. My parents went
shopping and I was bored waiting for them to return.
The surface of the lake
was calm as it is now. The Sun was going down lightening up its left
side, while the right side became covered with long, long shadows created
by surrounding trees. It was then that I saw the thing for the first
time. Something sparkled out from the shallow water in front of me
and when I came nearer, I saw the metal hoop about three feet in diameter.
The hoop was silverish and very shiny, as it had just been made and polished.
I had not found anything in the lake before. Our lot is out-of way
and casual passers-by have never come over here. And, if it had been
dropped in the lake by some of the boatmen, how come it didn’t sink?
It's made of metal!
I didn’t think too much
about that. I finally found something that attracted my attention
and broke my boredom. I sit on the pebbles again, rolling the hoop
in my hands and thinking what could I use it for. And right then,
a stranger appeared in front of me.
He was tall and big and
dressed in jeans. And he was somehow familiar to me, although I couldn’t
find out why. Maybe that was the reason I didn’t run away immediately.
The stranger put down his hands that had been covering his eyes, he looked
to the left and to the right a couple of times, and then he looked at me
with an unusual expression on his face.
“Throw that thing away,”
he said suddenly. “You don’t need that!”
My parents appeared right
then and while I turned over to tell them I was on the beach, the stranger
disappeared. Simply, when I turned back again, he wasn’t there anymore.
It was in vain telling my parents what had happened while they were out;
they didn’t believe me.
I played with the hoop months
after that. I would have rolled it and ran along. That was
fun! Suddenly, I lost my interest--I probably became too old for
such game. Then I took the hoop over to the cellar, hang it on a
wedge and forgot about it.
* * *
Next time that I saw the
hoop, I was twenty-five. I took over some pals for the weekend and
I went down to the cellar to store the bottles of wine. It is always
better to cool down the wine naturally, than to cool it in a fridge.
And then, I saw it hanging, silverish and subtle. It was shiny like
on the day I had found it. I recollected my boyhood and numerous
sunny afternoons spent on the beach. I recollected the day I had
found it. The memories were very lively. I felt the need to
touch that thing and I stretched my arm. But, as I touched it, the
hoop felt over my head and slipped down. It touched the ground with
an unpleasant clinking noise. At the same very moment, I felt pain
in my eyes caused by some intensive source of light. Soon, I found
out it was the sunlight. I covered my eyes with the hands and later,
when I moved them off, I realized that I was standing on the beach in front
of the house. I was confused; I was in the cellar a moment before!
Then I saw a boy in front of me who was sitting on the pebbles and holding
the hoop in his hands--the same hoop that had felt over me just a while
ago. I looked at the boy. That face, that look--but, it’s me!
Is it possible that the hoop took me to the past? And yet, how could
be possible for something like that to happen!?
The boy looked at me.
He seemed confused, too.
“Throw that thing away,
you don’t need that,” I shouted in a fright, but the boy didn’t answer.
He took the hoop and ran to the house.
A moment later, I found
myself in the cellar again. I was taken in in the same miraculous
and unreal way as it had happened when I was taken out. Again, I
needed a couple of seconds to adjust my eyes, now to the darkness that
was surrounding me. And when contours around me began getting shapes,
I bent down and took the hoop intending to put it back onto its place.
Is it possible that just a while ago, here on the beach near the lake,
I saw myself when I was a ten-year-old boy? Is it possible that this
thing in my hands is a kind of a time machine? No, it is probably
just my imagination and maybe the lack of oxygen in this small, dark room.
Suddenly, among all familiar
things in the cellar, I saw the silhouette of a man right in front of me.
He was just standing and watching me. When my eyes became well adjusted
too dark, I realized that the person standing in front of me was nobody
else but--myself. He was even dressed the same way as me.
“I’ve come late, haven’t
I?”- he asked, watching me and the hoop in my hands.
I didn’t have to answer--I was sure he knew everything. I shrugged
my shoulders and did what I intended to do. I hang the hoop on the
wedge.
* * *
It was Sunday evening.
My pals left and I unexpectedly decided to prolong my stay for one more
day. I needed loneliness and the stillness of the lake to clear
my mind and to think about everything that had happened.
I went out and sit on the
pebbles. The night was hot and with so many stars that reflected
back from the surface of the lake. I heard crickets chirping somewhere
far away and murmur of small waves that were playing with the pebbles on
the beach. I enjoyed the atmosphere.
What could I do, I was thinking.
Could I do anything? Maybe it’s just the fissure in time-space continuum
that happens once in a million years? Maybe it’s just my imagination
that slipped over its borders. Maybe it’s a hallucination?
Anyway, I am certain that something as weird as this could never happen
again.
With these thoughts in my
mind, I stood up and went to the house.
* * *
As soon as I walked into
the room, I noticed another myself who was sitting in my armchair.
“Listen, we have to talk,”
he said. “I think you know what's the problem. We have to find
the way out.”
I was startled. I
just convinced myself that the occurrence was nothing but the result of
inadequate work of my brain cells--and now this!
“Yes,” “I” from the armchair
continued like he was reading my thoughts, “it was a time travel.
Only, it has to be stopped!”
“Well, that’s easy,” I muttered.
“I won’t touch the hoop ever again and that’s it.”
“Do you really think it's
so simple? Do you think I wanted to come over here to chat with you?
Or, maybe I should better say, to chat with myself? Do you understand
that as much as I--or you--are attracted by the beauties of this lake,
the hoop is attracted by yourself...? I just want to say..."
He suddenly became silent
and took a glance at the bedroom doors. There was the third myself
standing dressed in a nightgown, looking sleepy and confused at the same
time.
“What have I told you,”
said the one that was sitting in the armchair.
Weakly and slowly, I sat
on the sofa and covered my eyes with hands in despair.
“O.K., we have to do something,”
I said. “But what?”
When I lifted my face, I
realized I was alone again. My doubles were gone.
* * *
If I suppose it’s true that
I attract the hoop so much, then it is the only solution finding out the
way of using the hoop. That way, I could go back to the past and
advise my previous self not to touch the hoop. Let’s say, at the
moment I tried to touch it down there in the cellar, when it felt over
my head. If I could just advise myself before the moment I touched
it, nothing would have happened. Only, I must not be late, I must
not arrive
after the travel... Yes, that would be the best
thing to do. I stood up with the intention of going to the cellar
and trying to use the hoop once more, when the knocking on the door stopped
me. Who is it now!? Another myself? This time, I wouldn’t
be surprised.
I opened the door and became
paralyzed. There was the hoop right in front of me, floating in the
air in the height of my shoulders. O, God, am I daydreaming?
I was shocked. The hoop floated for a while, then it moved slowly
and gently and touched my chest. I simply didn’t have a chance to
react. At the same moment, I found myself in the cellar watching
my previous self as he was lifting the hoop from the ground after his first
travel.
“I’ve come late, haven’t
I?”- I asked, although it was totally unnecessary.
* * *
I couldn’t fall asleep.
My head was full of confused thoughts and as soon as I would close my eyes,
I would see a great number of myselves who were strangling me with their
presence. I was exhausted, but the sleep didn’t come. On the
contrary, I just tortured myself trying to fall asleep. I stood out
of the bed and opened the window. Maybe the fresh air could help
me relax. I went to bed again and again there were scenes in front
of my eyes that I had had today. If anybody had ever told me that
one day I could have come into the house finding myself inside...
Everything that happened
after lasted no longer than a second. I didn’t notice when the hoop
floated into the room through the open window, neither I noticed when it
came near me. I just felt the touch of cold metal on my hand.
After that, I found myself standing in the living room dressed in my nightgown.
I was sleepy and confused at the same time. Beside myself, there
were two other myselves in the room, too, talking.
I was there only for a moment
or two. Then, I was in my bed again where I finally fell into a deep,
dreamless sleep.
* * *
I was in much better mood
when I awoke. I made a coffee and went out to the porch. That
was something I liked the best--drinking the first morning coffee on the
porch while the lake in front of me sparkled and g glittered lightened
up by the morning Sun.
I felt my mind was clear--that
was good. Let me think. Apparently, all my travels through
time and space were caused by the hoop, that strange object that had been
thrown out of this lake years ago. Furthermore, all my travels were
totally unexpected. In fact, I would have thought about some detail
of my past and the hoop took me right there...
I saw another myself in
front of me on the beach who was running like his life depended on it.
He was waving his arms as he was trying do defend himself from something.
I didn’t want to be startled. The only thing I needed at that moment
was logic and I wanted to keep my mind clear of those stupid occurrences.
So, I can’t run away from
the hoop. The only way to stop these awkward travels is to stop thinking
about my past. If I knew yesterday that I shouldn’t be thinking about
the past, I wouldn’t have found myself in the living room while those two
were there talking. If I knew...
The metal object that touched
my back showed me that I became caught in the trap of my own thoughts.
I couldn’t think any more because the next moment I found myself sitting
in my armchair. A moment after, the door opened.
* * *
“Listen, we have to talk,”
I said to my previous self who just walked in. He looked startled
by my presence, but I didn’t want to be hindered. I had to hurry
because I didn’t know when I could be taken back. “ I think you know
what's the problem. We have to find the way out.”
“Yes, it was a time travel”
I said nervously when I saw that stupid expression on his face. “Only,
it has to be stopped!”
“Well, that’s easy,” he
finally answered. “I won’t touch the hoop ever again and that’s it.”
“Do you really think it's
so simple? Do you think I wanted to come over here to chat with you?
Or, maybe I should better say, to chat with myself? Do you understand
that as much as I--or you--are attracted by the beauties of this lake,
the hoop is attracted by yourself...? I just want to say..."
At that moment, I heard
that the bedroom door opened. When I took a glance, I saw another
myself standing there in the nightgown. O. God, where is the end
of this madness!?
“What have I told you,”
I said hopelessly.
I couldn’t continue because
at the next very moment I was on the same place I had been before--on the
porch holding the coffee mug in my hands. Am I really incapable of
going out of this swirl?
* * *
After I drank my coffee,
I decided to take a walk to the beach. Have you ever tried not to
think about anything? I tried then and it was very hard to do.
One is absolutely not aware how much he is connected to his past until
he tries not to think about it. For example, just a while ago I was
drinking my coffee and now it has already become the past.
A strange noise startled
me for a moment. No, it wasn’t the pebbles creaking under my feet,
neither it was the twitter, nor the murmuring water. That must be...
I heard the noise again.
I looked in front of me, I looked back, I looked up and then I saw it.
It was the hoop flying somewhere high above my head. It flied in
circles making that strange noise as it was doing it.
No, you won’t do it again,
I thought and I started running as fast as I could. I wanted to run
away, to hide myself, to force the thing to give up. I ran and ran,
madly and furiously. I didn’t feel the touch. It was just a
moment after that when I realized I was running by the porch while there
was another me drinking his morning coffee. I waved my arms trying
to get rid of that stupid thing as that could help to make me free.
* * *
O.K., if I can’t think about
the past, then I can think about my future. This thought came to
me suddenly when I, tired out of running, sit on the pebbles near the water.
Somehow I felt that the hoop isn’t capable of taking me into the future.
Future is not defined and, by now, it has taken me only to the moments
when the defined things happened.
What would happen if I kill
myself? I would cut the chain of happenings and--make the end.
And yet, I am only twenty-five and until a couple of days ago I led a perfectly
normal life. Why would I kill myself?
What would happen if I kill
him? I could kill that ghost of my future who is coming to me over
and over forcing me to follow his steps. If I could get rid of him,
then it is only me who remains. And then, I could build my future
the way I want!
That’s right. That’s
the only solution.
I was sure that he’ll come
again. I was absolutely sure and I was ready to wait.
* * *
I wasn’t sure how much time
I spent sitting on the beach and amusing myself by counting glimmering
ribbons that were painted by the Sun on the surface of the lake.
That was the only way to clear my mind of thoughts and to force myself
not to think of anything else. I couldn’t allow myself the luxury
to think about the past again.
When I finally saw him,
he was standing right in front of me. His eyes were filled with fear.
As soon as he appeared, he started waving his head and walking backwards.
Oh, how much I hated him at that moment! He was absolutely aware
what he was doing to me! No, he ought to be stopped!
I approached him slowly
and punched his face with a fist as hard as I could. He felt down
into the water. The splash frightened a flock of birds and they flied
up out of the nearby grove. I punched him again. Then--as the
anger and despair gave me new strength--I continued punching and hitting
and kicking him with my fists and elbows and legs--whatever was more suitable
at the moment. He lifted his hands covered with blood, but he couldn’t
defend himself. I was beating him all the time: I didn’t stop even
when his body became moveless and lifeless. I wanted him to die.
I wanted to be sure he was dead. Every new blow filled me up with
energy that was circulating through my veins so that the next blow could
be even harder than the last one.
When I became absolutely
sure he was dead, I dragged his body deeper into the lake. Everything
began here on this lake and I wanted it to end here, too. Somehow,
it seemed the most logical place for the body.
I came back to the beach
and sit down. I killed a man, a human being, and still the only thing
I felt was pure pleasure. The hoop flied over my head somewhere far
above and continued his flight heading towards the lake. I was very
satisfied watching the silverish circle that began diving lower and lower
until it became swallowed by the lake.
Yes, I was right.
His death broke the spell and opened the doors of my future. The
hoop went back to the place that had sent him out to our world. Finally,
I was free.
Maybe it’s strange, but
I felt calm, as I have done the most common thing in the world, as the
murder is something that is absolutely normal, as it is the only possible
way of solving problems. But, in my case, it was the most common
thing in the world, wasn’t it?
I really enjoyed killing
him...
* * *
Is it my hallucination, or
is there something glimmering from the water?
I didn’t have time to look
twice. With a big splash, the silverish circle flied out of the water
and felt over me. I didn’t understand whether it was my fear that
made me jump on my feet, or... Then I saw my previous self sitting
on the pebbles and waiting...
Waiting for me.
No, this is unbelievable,
this is absolutely crazy. It is impossible that the madness is going
on. But I broke the spell! And, anyway, I don’t want to die,
I am only twenty-five! I want to live!
When he stood up and approached
me, when I saw that anger and that hatred in his eyes, I realized that
there was no escape. There was a scenery for this, too. I stepped
backwards trying to get the time, but, nothing crossed my mind. I
closed my eyes and bravely waited for his first blow.
A flock of birds flied somewhere
high above my head.
* * *
Everything that once begins
must have an end--that’s the unwritten law of nature. And everything
that begins at one place must have an end at the same place.
There was nobody around
to see the round metal object that was flying in circles just above the
surface of the lake. Then, suddenly and without any sound, it slipped
bellow the surface and sank into the depth of its creator. It was
right there where it had been created ages and ages ago by the incomprehensible
game of nature. It was right there where it had to come back.
The time came and it had
to return to its place.
The lake finally found it's
lost part.
Dragana Konstantinovic
Translated by the author
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