7 December 2000
What happens though if you lose those ornaments? Is suddenly you life stopped because you cannot go back. You cannot bring those little figurines of Christmas past back to your possession. I lost all of my ornaments.
What happens if you do not get a tree? Then where the hell do you put the presents? A couple of years ago, I put Christmas lights on a house plant in my father's apartment but it just wasn't the same. I even placed the presents under it. Literally under it... The Packages created sort of a platform.
I used to love to sleep under the Christmas tree. Staring up at the lights, I would drift off under the intoxication of the holiday pine scent.
I have spent the last 3 Christmas' in bars. My first was when I was 20; not even old enough to be drinking. But that night I drank and danced to Abba with everyone else who did not have families in a gay bar. The holiday homeless is what we are.
I am going to get myself a Christmas tree this year, dammit. I am going to get a tree so big I can sleep under it. This tree will prove that I am starting my life over. I am going to go buy myself ornaments that represent me now. I will then build on this year. At 22, I am starting over.
If you think about it, a Christmas Tree represents your entire life. Starting with your first ornament, every year is marked with symbolism on a string. Phases are marked with each - "First Home", "Graduation", etc. I have always loved stars and the night's sky so my mother would buy me ornaments with such on them. I had theatre masks, musical instruments from whatever I was trying to play at the time. Little pieces of me mixed with little pieces of my family making us seem real.