It all began with wisdom teeth.

Or maybe it actually started before that. I think this was something that was a long time coming but when it finally came, it hit me like a train and I did not feel a thing. I will blame that one the vicodin.

We had been friends for a little while before my wisdom teeth were pulled and he showed up at my house carrying soup and a book. We had even shared a birthday party of getting drunk and playing in an arcade before he kissed me with my numb mouth full of gauze. We had friends in common that this was all much more obvious to than it was to us. They were not as suprised as we were when they saw him holding my hand while I did my impression of a chipmunk.

Since our first kiss, he has seen me on painkillers and swollen, in a mosh pit fistfight-screaming match, serve a burned lasagne that I had been planning all week, sick with the flu, and bloated and PMSy and we haven't even been dating a month.

I just get so scared of stuff like this. Like I have to stop and catch my breath before I feel overwhelmed. It is crazy. I have never been good at this stuff. I never even pretended to be. But when I am around him it feels good. It is when he is gone and my mind has time to wonder that I feel out of it and funky and pissed off at myself for missing someone. When he is near me I really don't think much at all. I like it like that. I think of the dumb things like how much I like to kiss his chin where his goatee used to be. Just dumb thoughts but they are nice warm thoughts.

He doesn't want anything from me that I am not willing to give. He doesn't try to charm me into anything. He has never told me that he even likes me. But I know. I know by the way he kisses me on my cheeks and forehead when I am waking up. I know by the way he lets me warm my feet between his calves. I know by the way he takes my hand when we're walking up the street. I know by the way he calls me to say good night. I know by the way he promises silly stuff. Like that he'll be back as soon as he can to talk to me through the instant messenger while we're both at work.

In past relationships I have doomed them by unconscious actions that I knew would create a distance between me and the individual involved. I am trying very hard now to be fully conscious and give ourselves space to allow ourselves to not completely get lost in a situation. We were both affraid of beginning this for the pressure of having someone or something that might be life changing. Now, we're not talking about what we want or don't want and just letting it happen. I think it is best that way.

The real secret to why I like him is that he baked me cookies.