I think I was about the age of 7 when I found out Santa and my mother had the same night gown. I lived in denial for a while finally accepting that I really did sit on some strange man's lap at the mall. Not that by now I am not accustomed to sitting on strange men's laps. Now it all seems like a lie. A Velveeta lie. The man in the red suit smells of beer and freaks me out a little. I do not think of reindeer. Only rehab for that poor, sad, jolly man.

Don't get me wrong. I love the holidays. I love families getting together in a Norman Rockwell style. Because a picture is silent and doesn't show the arguing - always remember to buy film! You never know when it might provide evidence in a criminal trial.

One of my favorite parts is the mall at Christmas. The same Christmas carol in 7 versions playing in every store. The children screaming. The joy that comes from a fight club style shopping adventure. I love walking away with the teddy bear while little Suzy lies twitching on the floor. I love the knowledge that I have maxed out all of my credit cards out of love. Wonderful Christmas love. I enjoy the mall experience so much, I am a retail veteran of two Christmas seasons. To get out bitchy customer aggression, I would walk the parking lots during my lunch breaks. I never did find my imaginary car. But it helped with the stress of the season.

I have decided to do my shopping online this year. It is easy and I can do it from work. My time can now be devoted to more important things. Like drinking. Like drinking to forget Christmas is coming and I do not want to go to my father's house and sit for the inquisition of the step mother and her screaming children. I love my father. But that much. It doesn't feel quite like Christmas yet though. Although, the landing strip houses might give the season away. How high is the electric bill for those people anyways?

This is a marvelous season of giving and getting. I know what I want and whether or not I am going to have to give it to myself might decide whether or now I get it. On my way up from the parking lot today I was reminded that food drives are fabulous things. Especially when one is working for a wonderfully giving company that provides doughnuts. Those doughnuts being the only form of substance for some employees. Even when we are starving to death those doughnut devouring employees still feel the need to give. Give more than the girl on the 3rd floor who brings in cans of Budweiser to make the homeless that much cheerier that they are starving to death. At least they can drowned their sorrows in a nice cool can of Bud. I was thinking of bring in my left over pain killers. If they can't feel their toes, do they know they are cold?

So what do I want this year for Christmas? I want Bush to go away. I want world peace. I want to end hunger. But more importantly I want that cute jacket (black, medium) on page 56 of the J Crew catalogue.