to seeing you again soon

you'll look like a photograph of yourself

taken from far far away

and I won't know what to do

and I won't know what to say

except fuck you..."

Have you ever said goodbye to someone knowing the goodbye was forever? Because even if you ever do see their face again, the light in their eyes will have changed. It is no longer burning in anticipation of your smile. It is remembering something else. It is remembering someone else. It is no longer for you.

This is not the grand break up goodbye either. This is the goodbye to what could have/should have/ would have been had life been different. But life wasn't different and that is why you're saying goodbye. You tell them to take care of themselves but you know they did all along and nothing will really change except you're not there. You are not the daily reminder that someone cares about them enough to notice when they look sad, tired. You are not there to cheer their accomplishments or say "I told you so" to their defeats.

They might remember you fondly. Saying "She had a smile in her eyes when she was causing trouble." or "Kissing her made me a little less scared of the dark. Sleeping next to her, I would kiss her back just to make sure she was still there. My lips found her flesh easily. Too easily. And there was no where else I wanted to be.' Or maybe this is just how I want someone to remember me. It is more comforting. Like the way he used to snore. I always knew he was there. It was not an ugly snore either. It was like he was breathing in his dreams and they must have been so terribly vivid in his head that they were trying to escape until he would breathe them back in.

I said goodbye and walked away knowing I never told him how much I cared. How much he hurt me. Or any other thought that I ever had about him. I did not even tell him I would miss him. I am not very good at missing people because you can never go back, only forward. And if you stop too long to remember someone, you'll stop and the world will go on without you.

He was never really anything I could have either. He would not allow himself to be had. He gave him self fully to me for only brief moments but then pull back taking all that he gave and a little bit of me too.

Goodbye. Take care. I won't promise to write because I am really bad about that. Sometimes I will dream about you. I do not consider that missing, because you are not remembering how they were, only how they wanted you to be.

"so fuck you

and your untouchable face

and fuck you

for existing in the first place and who am I

that I should be vying for your touch

and who am I

I bet you can't even tell me that much..."

-Ani Difranco "Untouchable face"