My Journal
September - 2001
September 5th
I go to the doctor this afternoon to get the results from a PETScan that I had done on Friday August 31st. They showed four spots of concern but I won't know what that means until later. I sure hope and pray that it is nothing. I am so tired of the battle. I just want to have some kind of life, take care of my mom and my dogs and be there for my kids and grand-children. Heck, maybe even meet a fella and have a relationship. I've been alone for so very long. Enough whinning. Mom is doing very good. She sure likes Jean, I'm glad we got her, thank God for COPES. Robert and Kasi (the baby) have been coming over just about everyday to visit and play The Sims HousePart on my computer. Mom has loved having them over, especially Kasi. She can't exactly remember she is a girl because she looks so much like her daddy when he was a baby but she still has fun with her. She and I have such a strong bond, it is wonderful. My other gradn-daughters have been up a lot more lately too. I have been watching them while mom works and dad studies. I'll have them more too, since they will be coming up here after school. Mom likes that idea because Jaide, the oldest, likes to fix moms hair and dote over her all the time. Well, time for me to go, I will update later this evening.
It's 9:00 p.m. so I thought I'd better get this updated. I am approaching the worst battle of my life. I have metastis in my liver, right kidney, right side salivary glands, mass in the soft tissue near my lumbar region and prehaps my left adrenal gland again. SO. My doctor did say I was a milestone in her medical career, she has never had a Small Cell Lung Cancer patient survive as long as I have. The doctors gave me a 30% chance of making it three years which will be February 2002 and by God I will make that! I don't know what shape I'll be in but I will be alive. I have another CTScan on the 13th to use as a comparision to future ones, then go back to the doctor on the 26th to set up my chemo regime. It will not be a curative chemo treatment, just one to slow the progress of the cancer. There is not much hope for me to go into remission again, rather give me a little longer to be around. I'm not sure how much I'll be able to continue updating again but I'll do my best. Right now I have to figure out things about my mom, my dogs and my house. I can't leave mom on the shoulders of my kids, it wouldn't be fair to them and I know mom wouldn't want it either. As for my dogs, Wizzer and Reno will go to David since he has a house but Koko will most likely have to be put down. She is too much maintenance and expense for for the boys. She and I will be together though, running through Gods meadow. God this is hard. I am not giving up by any means, I will fight like hell to beat this again but I am getting awful tired.
September 12
To All of my friends in New York, New Jersy and D.C. I extend my heart felt sorrow for yesterdays activities. For any of you who may of lost someone I give you my condolences. To Everyone, I share in the absolute disbelief and astonishment that this happened in our great country. I have placed my flag upon it's pole to offer my pride and faith in this Nation for all to see and I ask that you all do the same. We have not been defeated, just side-railed for the moment. I beg of you, please, do not judge others for what these people have done. Don't let this become a modern day era of Japanese camps for America, judging others by what those across the seas were doing. We must pray for ALL loyal Americans.
September 18th
Boy this has been a heck of a week. I feel so bad for all those that have perished and for their families and the Nation as whole. It puts me in repeated introspective look at life, mortality, deep soul searching and feelings of guilt. To look at my life and all the curves that have been a part of it.They seem so trivial, so meaningless when the visions of New York, The Pentagon and Pennsylvania come to mind. Yes, I may have cancer but I am alive, yes mom does have dementia but she is still alive. My family may mourn for me in advance of my demise, but those families lost loved ones with no advance warning, no time for preparedness. Over 5000 familes being thrown into the clutches of death, grief and sorrow. How terribly sad. I complain silently about the nausea I have from this new chemo, Mom complains just about all the time for one reason or the other. Yet these families don't complain, they just praise the efforts of all those that are trying to give them closure. How unselfish they are. I take solice in knowing that the lost are with God and have become His warriors. If there is a war I know they will be leading the charge.
September 27th
Now that I have my head cleared a bit I realize I haven't really updated too much. I talked to the doctor on the 14th to get the results of the CTScan, seems there was cancer found only on the liver, two tumors 2.5 and 2.0 cm found. Needless to say this was very upsetting to me, to be told on one test I have it all over then another I don't, my doctor was very concerned too and said she couldn't treat me until we knew exactly what I had. She presented my scans to associates for their opinions and they concured with the CTScan of the 13th not the PTScan, however they did find that an adrenal tumor on the left side had been overlooked in the initial report so it was modify to include this. SO, I guess I have two new tumors in the liver and the adrenal gland has come back too. I have just completed my second chemo treatment of 75% taxotere, I have this weekly. At any rate, regardless of where the cancer is the chemo will get it with Gods blessing. My first round, Tuesday the 28th, was very hard on me. I woke up at about 3:00 am choking on my own vomit, unable to breath thus aspirating some into my lungs which I cough and cough for hours getting rid of. The nausea medication just didn't work at all so Wednesday the doctor put me on marinol. Boy what a difference. Within a half hour the nausea was gone and I felt much better although I had severe bone pain for the following three days. This time I didn't get sick at all except for some bone pain, I did sleep for almost 24 hours straight. Thank God my brother is here to help take care of mom for me. She is doing pretty good. Her routine is very good for all of us now. She gets up everyday by 1:00 and goes to bed most nights by 8:30 9:00. Her moods have been very good too, not too many tantrums lately. She is looking for the hoildays coming up especialy now with the baby getting older and really having her eyes filled with Christmas. I can't wait either, I've already been craving sweet potato pie.
