starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, KIT HESKETH-HARVEY and MARIA McERLANE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 19 February 2007)
NOTE: Maria McErlane's last appearance.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!
THEME MUSIC
NP: Oh yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners, in this country and throughout the world. But also to welcome to this programme, four exciting, individual, provocative, intelligent, witty, clever performers, who are going to show their verbal dexterity, their humorous ingenuity as they try and speak on the subject that I give them and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And those four bright individuals are seated on my right, Paul Merton and Clement Freud. And seated on my left, Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Maria McErlane. Would you please welcome all four of them! And seated beside me is Charlotte Davies, who is going to write down the scores as they come along, and also blow a whistle when the 60 seconds have elapsed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Assembly Hall Theatre here in that delightful town of Tunbridge Wells in that, that gem of the garden of England, the county of Kent. And we are going to begin the show with Clement Freud. Clement the subject I have got is pirates. Tell us something about pirates in Just A Minute, starting now.
CLEMENT FREUD: Pi equals three point one four two. And rates are things people hate paying. Pirates themselves are those unlicensed people who board ships that do not belong to them, and attempt to take possession, possibly in order to sell the cargo. I have never met a pirate myself and my meetings with people have been extensive. So they're not exactly commonplace, pirates.
BUZZ
CF: I think that's about it.
NP: So Paul you were the first to challenge.
PAUL MERTON: An elegant conclusion!
NP: Elegant conclusion, hesitation, right Paul, tell us something about pirates starting now.
PM: It would be a mistake to think that pirates were something that happened a long time ago. Because if you sail in the South Vietnamese seas, you are still liable or indeed prone to be attacked by pirates. They are devils, they come up behind the ship late at night. They have got cutlasses between their teeth, eye patches, and they've got little black and white spotted handkerchiefs on their head. The uniform hasn't changed for several years. And as they board the vessel, they come towards you, hissing terrible words under their breath like ha-hah!
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
PM: Ah-hah! Ah-hah! Two separate words, ah-hah!
NP: What's your challenge Clement?
CF: Repetition.
NP: Of what?
CF: Hah!
NP: No. Paul maintains he said ah-hah! No you think it was...
CF: Ha-ha.
NP: It was definitely a ha-ha. Right, so repetition of hah and Clement you have a correct challenge, five seconds starting now.
CF: Penzance is a very popular place for pirates. They do love Cornwall...
WHISTLE
NP: So Clement speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point, he's now one ahead of Paul Merton, two ahead of Kit Hesketh-Harvey and three ahead of Maria McErlane. And Kit we'd like you to take the next round and the subject is the circus. Tell us something about the circus in Just A Minute starting now.
KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: Angela Carter wrote a wonderful book, Nights At The Circus, about a character called Fevvers, a real old slapper of the Vaudeville stage of the early 19th century. A harlot with an enormous heart, very like Nicholas Parsons. But for me, the circus that is the most exciting is the circus maximus in ancient Rome, built all those years ago of wood, it quite frequently burnt down or tumbled its spectators to an early death, thereby adding to the merriment. Who can forget Ben Hur racing against Bill Him...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: I can forget!
KHH: But it's movies and you like movies, don't you?
NP: So what's the challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?
PM: Not as funny as I thought it might be! My challenge I meant.
NP: I know, I know what you meant. But Paul, the interruption was so delightful, especially your second remark, we give you a bonus point for that. But Kit you were interrupted so you can carry on with the circus, 29 seconds available starting now.
KHH: It was turned into stone by the Emperor Claudius, I think, and later Nero added seats. It carried right on until, a thousand years later, a whole millennium, who can think that the Dome...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Two laters.
NP: There were two laters yes.
KHH: Oh thank you, thank you for rescuing me. Thank you.
NP: So Clement you've got in on the circus and, you've got in on the subject of the circus I should say, and there are 20 seconds available starting now.
CF: I used to think the circus was Piccadilly Circus. Until we moved to north London when Oxford Circus had huge attractions to people coming apart. You could arrange to get to...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: I think there was a bit of hesitation.
NP: There was a little hesitation yes...
CF: Mmmmm, I think...
PM: That was it! Just like that.
CF: I think the benefit of the doubt, a bonus point...
NP: You'll get them eventually!
CF: See? Somebody clapped! The woman in red, fourth row!
NP: So...
CF: In the aisle!
NP: You're trying very hard, give him his bonus point, he has tried so hard. Paul you have the subject with a correct challenge and you have six seconds on the circus starting now.
PM: I went to Bertram Mills Circus in 1963. My favourite act was the Tumbling Freuds! They were fantastic, trapeze one from the other...
WHISTLE
NP: Paul Merton was speaking as the whistle went, got that extra point. He's now equal in the lead with Kit Hesketh-Harvey. And Maria will you take the next round, oh yes Maria, live fast, die young, 60 seconds on that subject starting now.
MARIA McERLANE: Live fast die young and have a good looking corpse was the line attributed to the actor James Dean, I believe. And it's a philosophy that I have chosen to live my life by, although I may have left the last two a little bit late! The alternative is to live slow and die old. You may think that's incredibly boring, but cast your eye...
BUZZ
NP: Kit challenged.
KHH: I think I just pre-empted your joke. I was going to say deviation, look at Clement and Nicholas.
MM: Ohhhh!
KHH: You couldn't call them boring, they're fantastic fun. Have you seen them doing the tassel dance?
MM: I'd like to.
NP: To be fair to Maria, she was only expressing an opinion. And I agree with you...
KHH: Yes.
NP: Personally speaking I disagree with the facts.
KHH: And you are a very good looking corpse!
NP: Thank you.
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: You are a rotten audience! Anyway Maria you have the benefit of the doubt, you keep the subject and you have 40 seconds, live fast die young starting now.
MM: The performing person I was talking about earlier, I would doubt did live fast die young and have a nice looking cadaverish thing going on. Because he died in a motorcycle by a...
BUZZ
NP: Kit challenged.
KHH: Deviation, no, James Dean died in a motor, in a motor car crash.
NP: That's right, he did. So it's deviation right.
KHH: Deviation yes within the rules of Just A Minute.
NP: I thought it was hesitation but anyway deviation was right as well, 27 seconds with you Kit, live fast die young starting now.
KHH: A lot of them in the 60s did that, didn't they. Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, although she died on a ham sandwich. She was hardly living fast...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Deviation, no, it was Mama Cass Elliott...
KHH: Oh was it?
PM: ... who died on a ham sandwich.
CF: There's nothing exclusive about dieing, eating a ham sandwich. It's not confined to anyone...
MM: But that's not strictly true. She didn't die choking on a ham sandwich, she actually had a heart attack.
PM: Mmmm. But that's the story that Kit's thinking of.
KHH: Was it? I obviously got it pitifully wrong.
NP: So you're getting a little bit of...
PM: She had a heroin overdose, was Janis Joplin.
NP: Any more morbid thoughts while we're going here?
KHH: It's quite a morbid subject isn't it.
NP: Yes well you're right, it is I suppose. But Paul you have a correct challenge, you have 20 seconds on live fast die young starting now.
PM: I think it's the sort of thing people say if they've lived fast and died young. But otherwise I don't think it should really detain the rest of us very much. I think the whole purpose of life...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Two I thinks.
NP: Yes, I think.
PM: Yes.
NP: I think twice.
PM: Yeah.
NP: Right, Clement 12 seconds with you now, live fast die young starting now.
CF: Live fast die young, what attracts me is the fast bit. I have been trying not to eat anything for a very long time, it is extraordinarily difficult. Living, dieing...
WHISTLE
NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, he's now equal in the lead with Paul Merton. And Paul it's now your turn to begin so will you take the subject now of how to separate the men from the boys, 60 seconds...
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Hesitation.
NP: I haven't said now yet.
CF: Oh I meant you hesitated in saying now. You should have said now quite a long time ago.
NP: But you can't get points at my expense.
CF: I've noticed!
NP: Oh he's trying for his bonus points again. Give him another bonus point.
MM: Ohhh!
NP: Right but Paul the subject is how to separate the men from the boys, 60 seconds starting now.
PM: Deeper voices.
BUZZ
NP: Kit you challenged.
KHH: Well hesitation wasn't it, he just stopped.
NP: It was a hesitation.
PM: That's all I had to say.
KHH: Oh that's all you had to say? Oh right.
NP: You have 58 seconds on how to separate the men from the boys, Kit starting now.
KHH: Algipan is always helpful, I suppose, or Deep Heat. You could try a cattle prod, or failing anything else, I suppose, a power hose which can...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Two supposes.
NP: You supposed.
KHH: Was I supposing? I'm so sorry.
NP: Yes you're supposing too much. Clement you have 50 seconds, tell us something about how to separate the men from the boys starting now.
CF: Who would want to?
BUZZ
NP: I know a lot of women who would like to! Paul you challenged.
PM: Ah hesitation.
NP: There was a hesitation yes. Paul you have 47 seconds to take back how to separate the men from the boys starting now.
PM: Give them a medical.
BUZZ
NP: Maria you challenged.
MM: Yes.
NP: What is your challenge?
MM: He just stopped again.
NP: He hesitated, my darling and there you have got the subject. And you have got 46 seconds for you to tell us something now, a woman is going to tell us something about how to separate the men from the boys.
MM: There is no difference between men and boys, the only clue is the price of their toys.
BUZZ
NP: This is obviously a round of statements. Maria because your comment got a round of applause and a whistle as well actually, we give you a bonus point for that.
MM: Oh.
NP: But Paul you...
PM: It was deviation, you're just ignoring the whole process of puberty!
NP: So is that...
PM: It's nonsense there's no difference between the men and the boys, there's a big difference. Well...
NP: So what is your challenge?
PM: Do I have to produce Internet pictures? Well it's deviation, she...
NP: No you have the subject, 39 seconds, how to separate the men from the boys starting now.
BUZZ
NP: Kit challenged.
KHH: Oh dear! Hesitation but what is he leading us into?
NP: Ah...
PM: I couldn't make another statement, that would be repetition!
NP: Right okay, fine, Kit you have a correct challenge, 37 seconds, how to separate the men from the boys starting now.
KHH: I suppose it's somebody who has the confidence just to sit back with total sang frois like Paul Merton, in silence. There is a man! We mere boys like Maria myself minnow around in the shallows...
BUZZ
NP: Maria challenged.
MM: I'm not sure I want the good burghers of Tunbridge Wells to know my guilty secret!
NP: No as the listeners can't see you, I agree that they would like to know that you are not, don't look like a boy. So Maria you have the subject...
MM: Oh no!
NP: .... 25 seconds, how to separate the men from the boys starting now.
MM: I think the best way to separate men from the boys is to take a... monkey wrench...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Hesitation.
NP: It was a hesitation so Paul it's back with you, I've never had so many challenges in one round in my life. Right, 21 seconds on how to separate the men from the boys starting now.
PM: Perhaps it's all down to experience, the passage of life. As a mere teenager I remember very well, I was a callow youth, wet behind the ears. Had really no idea what this existence on the planet was all about. But now I am a fully grown man I can look back on those innocent days and say to myself, well, you weren't perhaps a bad human being..
BUZZ
NP: Kit challenged.
KHH: Lots of perhapses there, wasn't there.
NP: Yes perhaps.
KHH: I'm so sorry.
NP: And Kit you've got in with half a second to go...
MM: Ohhhhh!
KHH: Oh really? Oh I'm so sorry.
NP: You have won no friends with that challenge.
KHH: I'm sorry. I do beg your pardon.
NP: But you have won the subject and half a second, how to separate the men from the boys starting now.
KHH: The testicles...
BUZZ
NP: Maria challenged. Maria you challenged.
MM: I was trying to save his career by swearing like that, national radio.
NP: So I think in view of what he said I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. So you have quarter of a second on how to separate the men from the boys starting now.
MM: Superglue...
WHISTLE
NP: So Maria you got that extra point for speaking as the whistle went, it's a very even contest. Paul Merton and Kit Hesketh-Harvey are in the lead, but only one point ahead of Clement and two ahead of Maria. And Kit it's your turn, so would you take the subject now of my burning regret. Sixty seconds starting now.
KHH: My burning regret is that my career as an arsonist has not been recognised properly for the achievement that it is. Hemel Hempstead, do you remember? I was driving past on the M25, casually flicked a cigarette out of the window and whoosh! Up went Buncefield! There was John Prescott in his marvellous department with a whole new acreage to play with. The Saatchi collection, what use was all that tat...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Deviation.
NP: Why?
PM: Kit doesn't smoke cigarettes. He threw a cigarette out the window, he doesn't smoke.
KHH: I didn't say it was mine.
CF: That's right.
PM: No he didn't. No he didn't.
NP: No he didn't say it was his. And also he might, he may be a non-smoker, but he might have taken a fag for that occasion. Because he was, he was establishing he was a bit of an arsonist.
CF: He does give lifts to people who smoke!
PM: And what do these people think of you taking their cigarettes, throw them out the window, and then setting fire to Hemel Hampstead?
NP: Right.
PM: Why haven't I heard about this in the papers?
KHH: I'm saving them from a terrible death!
PM: Indeed!
NP: But that wasn't your challenge.
PM: No.
NP: That he didn't set fire to Hemel Hampstead.
PM: No.
NP: It was that he doesn't smoke.
PM: Yeah.
NP: And he doesn't smoke...
PM: No.
NP: ... but he could have thrown a cigarette out of the window. And he didn't even say whether it was a lighted cigarette. Kit you still have the subject, 38 seconds, my burning regret starting now.
KHH: Turner Prize winning bilge! Much better to use it to warm the shivering pensioners in Depford. I thought the elephant dung went up particularly well. Windsor Castle, I regret that they didn't give me the credit for that one. It was terribly unaffordable for her Britannic Majesty to restore the Great Room. Now it's all shining and spanking new. (laughs)
BUZZ
NP: Your laughing because of the spanking, aren't you! Ah...
KHH: The thought of her Britannic Majesty spanking people up and down the St George's Hall!
NP: I know!
KHH: It's a lovely notion, isn't it.
NP: I think it might be another member of the family. Right, so what is your challenge?
MM: I have no.... ah hesitation.
NP: It was hesitation, right, 16 seconds Maria, my burning regret starting now.
MM: My burning regret is that when I went to see, ah, David Partridge, no, what's his name...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: David Cassidy.
MM: Yes! Yes!
NP: So Paul what�s your challenge?
PM: Deviation, she was trying to think of David Cassidy and said David Partridge instead.
NP: Right.
PM: But she's confused by the fact that David Cassidy appeared in a show called The Partridge Family.
MM: That's absolutely correct.
NP: Well listened.
KHH: It's before your time Nicholas.
NP: Yes so Paul you have a correct challenge and you have the subject, 11 seconds starting now.
PM: I remember seeing Jerry Lee Lewis play here in Tunbridge Wells and when I refer to him, that great piano player, I think you can realise that, Goodness Gracious Gracious Great Balls Of Fire, what a fantastic rock and roll number...
WHISTLE
NP: So Paul Merton with his Great Balls Of Fire brought that subject to an end. And he was also speaking when the whistle went, gained an extra point. He's now two points ahead in the lead. And Maria will you take the next round, the subject, teenage sweethearts. Oh!
KHH: Oh!
NP: Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
MM: Teenage sweethearts are from my point of view, speaking as a bitter and twisted over the hill harridan...
BUZZ
NP: Kit challenged.
KHH: Deviation.
NP: Yes!
KHH: Look at her! Just look at her!
NP: Look at her! I won't allow that either!
MM: Thank you so much.
NP: And the audience endorses that there's nothing harridan about you, my darling no! So Kit you have the subject because a correct challenge, 54 seconds, teenage sweethearts... all right, I'll tell you what I'll do...
MM: No I don't want it.
NP: ... because she's not a harridan. You have a bonus point because it was a correct challenge...
KHH: Yes.
NP: ... but I think Maria should carry on...
KHH: I think she should.
NP: She was being modest.
KHH: Yes.
CF: The benefit of the doubt, I think.
MM: What? What did he say?
NP: Yes...
MM: What did he say?
NP: There's no doubt about it! She is not a harridan! Fifty-four seconds Maria, teenage sweethearts starting now.
MM: Teenage sweethearts can only serve to remind us of our lost loves, our broken dreams, our shattered promises and...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Three ours.
NP: Ours yes.
MM: One was spelt H-O-U-R-S.
CF: It sounded that long!
NP: Oh he has an acid tongue, doesn't he. Right, 46 seconds for you Clement, on teenage sweethearts starting now.
CF: It is wholly wrong to persist in rumours that Nicholas Parsons and I were teenage sweethearts. We were fond of each other...
BUZZ
NP: Maria challenged.
MM: I just started to feel a bit sick, that's all!
NP: It made me sick as well!
CF: That's repetition, two sicks!
NP: Right, Maria you felt a bit sick, you interrupted, the audience liked it, a bonus point to Maria. But Clement it was an incorrect challenge, and you've moved forward, you're equal with Paul at this moment. You still have the subject, you have teenage sweethearts, you have 38 seconds starting now.
CF: She was the daughter of a Duke.
BUZZ
CF: Which is enough for me.
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Well that was hesitation Paul, yes you're quite right, and you have 31 seconds now to tell us something about teenage sweethearts starting now.
PM: It's often said that our first loves are the ones that we remember mostly for the rest of our lives and I suppose that might well be true in my case. I won't mention the particular person because she probably has no idea that my heart was lost to her back in the early 1970s. What a won...
BUZZ
NP: Maria challenged.
MM: I do!
NP: Oh Maria, how charming! I don't think it was you, so what we have to say is that you get a bonus point...
MM: Thank you.
NP: Because the audience enjoyed your interruption. But Paul was interrupted so he gets another point and he has 16 seconds, teenage sweethearts starting now.
PM: Now I come to think of it, it was Maria. Shepherd's Bush, cost me 16 pounds! But what a wonderful night it was. We went to the fun fair, we ate candy floss, we went on the...
BUZZ
NP: Kit challenged.
KHH: Awful lot of we.
NP: And.
KHH: We we we we we.
NP: And wents.
KHH: And wents as well. Yeah we wees.
PM: We were young and excited!
NP: Kit got in with teenage sweethearts, seven seconds available starting now.
KHH: I'm terribly afraid that the steenage sweetheart I enjoyed here at Tunbridge Wells...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Deviation, do we have a steenage?
KHH: Steam age, it was a steam age sweetheart. It was a long time ago, my teenagehood.
NP: There's nothing wrong in a steam age sweetheart, is there really?
PM: No no.
NP: No the subject was actually teenage sweethearts. So what is your challenge?
PM: Deviation because he said steam age sweetheart.
NP: It's deviation from the subject, all right Paul, there are five seconds on teenage sweethearts starting now.
PM: Isambard Kingdom Brunell was my steam age sweetheart! What a...
BUZZ
NP: Right, so...
KHH: Oh it's terribly, I mean if I'm not allowed a steam age sweetheart, how can he have one?
NP: Well exactly!
KHH: Exactly!
NP: So you've got it back.
KHH: Exactly!
NP: And you've got there, the teenage sweethearts and you've got one second on teenage on steam age sweethearts, starting now.
KHH: She's 86 and she�s here!
WHISTLE
NP: So Kit Hesketh-Harvey, another point for speaking as the whistle went, he's got other points in the round, he's moved forward. He's two points behind Paul Merton, he's two ahead of Clement Freud, and three or four ahead of Maria McErlane. That's the situation as we go into the next round which is Paul's turn to begin. Paul, the tricks of the trade, tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
PM: Well if the trade in question is playing Just A Minute, I suppose there may be a few tricks. If you talk at such a speed that feels like you're about to slow down to an absolute halt, but somehow keep going, that's one of the tricks of the trade, because you have eaten up a certain amount of time. Another trick of the trade when you're playing this marvellous game is to use a singular of a word and then the plural just a moment later, and people think you've said the same thing twice. For example, exhibition and exhibitions. I know this is exceedingly dull, but the question is, these are the tricks of the trade. Another trick of the trade is to work Clement with your foot...
BUZZ
NP: Clement has challenged.
CF: Repetition of trick.
NP: Yes because the subject on the card is tricks of the trade.
KHH: Oh well done.
NP: And you you, well listened, you said trick twice.
PM: I don't believe you!
NP: Well it is true.
PM: And I said it.
NP: Right Clement you've got in with 24 seconds on tricks of the trade starting now.
CF: Tricks of the trade in Just A Minute are quite usefully applied to questioning the amount of time the chairman, Nicholas Parsons, who has always been in that position I would like to tell you, gives you to speak forth without hesitation, repetition or deviation. The trick is...
BUZZ
NP: Kit challenged.
KHH: Sorry I thought it was a hesitation but it wasn't.
NP: I don't think it was a hesitation.
KHH: Though it was borderline wasn't it.
NP: It was borderline yes.
MM: It was quite interesting, I was mesmerised.
CF: I was stunned...
KHH: He's a very compelling speaker.
CF: I wondered what was coming next!
NP: So Kit you have the benefit of the doubt, you have six seconds, tricks of the trade starting now.
KHH: The best trick of the trade in Just A Minute of course is to come in just before the...
BUZZ
NP: Maria challenged.
MM: Just.
KHH: Bugger!
MM: He actually did another steam sweetheart, he said sjust a minute. No?
KHH: I don't think that was right, I'd like to challenge myself on repetition of just.
MM: Repetition of just.
NP: Yeah.
MM: No I was just joking on the first bit, I knew that it was repetition of just.
NP: So Maria you have two seconds on tricks of the trade starting now.
MM: The tricks of the trade are...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Repetition of osteopath!
PM: Yeah I heard that.
MM: Yeah that's fair enough.
PM: Very good challenge. Very good challenge. Only a real seasoned player could pick up on that. Excellent challenge.
NP: Which is another trick of the trade, isn't it.
PM: Yeah exactly very good challenge, wasn't it Nicholas.
NP: No because it gets a bonus point, that's what he wants, because, because the audience enjoyed it. Another trick is being sufficiently outrageous or ridiculous, then the audience laugh, so the chairman is generous and gives bonus points. But Maria you were interrupted so you have one second on tricks of the trade starting now.
MM: The tricks...
BUZZ
NP: Kit challenged.
KHH: Hesitation.
NP: No that's ridiculous! Another point to Maria, half a second, tricks of the trade starting now.
MM: The tricks of my...
WHISTLE
NP: So ah, this is interesting...
MM: Yes.
NP: ... because we're moving into the last round. And it is a terribly even contest.
KHH: Terribly.
NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey, Maria McErlane and Clement Freud are equal in second place, only one point behind our leader Paul Merton. And Clement Freud it's your turn to begin, oh what a lovely subject is this, maybe bring the show to a close. Why I love each and every one of you. I should explain to our listeners that that laugh is increased because everybody has swivelled their chairs round a little and are now peering intently at Clement Freud as he starts on that subject with 60 seconds to go starting now.
CF: In this theatre there are said to be 998 seats. And why I love each and every one of you is quite simply because I'm not going to be able to at my age get round and have any sort of realistic relationship with any of you. And I am delighted about that because loving each and every one of you would be boring, tiresome, annoying. And some people haven't washed. I know that because I stood in a queue getting into this place, in royal Tunbridge Wells, which I am so pleased. It was called by that august name in nineteen hundred and nine, dating back to Queen Victoria. It's pretty unusual...
BUZZ
NP: Kit challenged.
KHH: This is terrible deviation, isn't it.
NP: Why?
KHH: Well he's talking about the history of Tunbridge Wells, isn't he.
NP: Yes but he's talking about...
CF: Because I love each and every one of them.
NP: I think to my mind he established that he did love each and every one of the people in Tunbridge Wells. But he was finding it difficult and um, he was keeping going. So Clement benefit of the doubt, 13 seconds, why I love each and every one of you starting now.
CF: As for loving each and every one of the people on this panel, let me begin with Nicholas Parsons, go on to Paul Merton, and then explain how very fond of myself I am...
WHISTLE
NP: So Clement Freud started with the subject, and he kept going in spite of one interruption and he finished with the subject. He went magnificently, he gained an extra point for speaking as the whistle went and he's just gone ahead of the other three who are equal in second place. But he now, we say, one point ahead of Paul Merton, and two ahead of the others, you Clement are our winner this week! So it only remains for me to say thank you to these four intrepid and delightful players of the game, Paul Merton, Kit Hesketh-Harvey, Maria McErlane and Clement Freud. I thank Charlotte Davies, who has helped me keep the score, she has blown her whistle with elegance when the 60 seconds were up. We thank our producer Tilusha Ghelani. And we are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this delightful game. And we are very grateful to this lovely audience here in Tunbridge Wells who have cheered us on our way magnificently. We hope you've enjoyed yourself, we've enjoyed ourselves. So from me Nicholas Parsons and the panel, good-bye, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute!
THEME MUSIC