| Though never published, this story has achieved somewhat of a cult status at Critique Circle. Be forewarned, it's silly and no pretentiousness is allowed herein. Book 1: The Oracle of The Ritual Disjunction Transversing The Amaranthine Moors of Phlogiston Subjacent to The Unfathomable Troughs of Hell Aloft The Promontory of Foreordination Peregrinates The Vulgarian with One Brain Cell by Magniloquent The Sibyl Crifton, The High Wizard of The Order of The Atramentous Coruscation, and Rux the barbarian walked down the streets of Adventure City. "Tell Rux what your title means," the barbarian said with a voice that sounded like whatever action star was popular at the time. "For the hundredth time," Crifton said with a voice surprisingly similar to John Cleese's. "I'm the biggest magic guy in the whole - Hey wait a minute. Isn't that an oracle?" They stood next to a black tent with the usual magical stuff hanging from the entrance: shrunken skulls, upside-down crosses, and a rabbit's foot. Smoke rolled out of the door, and haunting music played. "Me think so," Rux said. "Why you ask?" "Well, oracles always give you an adventure, and that's why we're here in Adventure City." "It is?" "Yes, now follow me." Crifton entered the dark tent. The inside smelled of potpourri. From behind him came the sound of tearing fabric. Looking back, he saw that Rux had simply walked through tent door instead of moving it out of the way. "Me sorry," Rux said. "I hope she doesn't make us pay for that." "She?" "Oracles are always woman. Don't you ever read epic fantasy?" "Me no read. Me smash." He slammed one fist into the other with a loud smack. There was a flash of light and then a glow. It grew brighter and brighter. With a roll of a drum, a woman suddenly appeared holding an oil lamp. "That's better," she said with a scraggly voice. "Now what do you two want? I was taking a nap back here." "We're look for a quest," Crifton said. "Silence!" the woman shouted. "I am The Oracle of The Ritual Disjunction, and what I say always comes to pass." There was no sound in the tent. "See. I said silence, and so it was." "I was afraid of saying anything," Crifton said. "I don't like being yelled at by old women." "Step forward," The Oracle commanded. Crifton moved closer. "Not you! You're just the wise sage. You won't even live through the second book. No, I meant the other one. The young prince." Nobody moved. Crifton looked back at Rux and said, "Go talk to the nice lady. She won't bite." He looked her over, and saw her sharp blackened teeth. 'Hopefully,' he thought. Rux walked across the tent, tearing the ceiling's fabric. "You lady. We have sex?" The Oracle smiled briefly, and muttered, "If only I'd survive." She sighed. "Hold out your hand." "You can read palms?" Crifton asked. "No." The Oracle licked her lips. "I just have a hand fetish." Rux yanked his hands away and put them behind his back. "Me no like crazy lady." "Now I will speak your destiny." She stared into Rux's eyes. "You must retrieve The Sword of Bromide. It is guarded in the deepest tombs of The Dungeon of Demise by The Seething Green Dragon. Then you must go to Mount Peril and slay Xxe'xlzrt'a'u'lau. Sometime in there, you'll get a girl, and the dead will rise again." "He must be evil," Crifton said. "His name has three x's and even a z." "Why we do this?" Rux asked. "Because The Author will not be able to sell his story unless you defeat someone evil," The Oracle said. "Now go, before The Author becomes bored of this scene." On his way out, Crifton asked Rux, "She was kidding about me dying in book two, right?" Book 2: The Dungeon of Demise Crifton, The High Wizard of The Order of The Atramentous Coruscation, and Rux the barbarian dismounted the dragons and approached The Dungeon of Demise. "Why does The Author repeat the same information at the beginning of every book?" Crifton asked. "You would think he was being paid by the word." The barbarian's brow furrowed, and he said, "Dragon ride fun." "Indeed." He smiled as he thought of how lucky they were to find two dragons who had nothing better to do than fly them around. A giant, stone snake's head marked the entrance of The Dungeon. A green liquid dripped from its fangs. A hot breeze smacked them on their faces in waves, as though something really quite large was breathing inside. "Snakes are very dangerous," Crifton said. "Why don't you go first?" Rux stomped forward. The bridge cracked and buckled. Crifton jumped on Rux's back. "You'll have to take both of us!" "Who you talk to?" Rux asked. "The Author. He's not getting me." "You funny little man." When they arrived at a set of circular stairs leading into the earth, Crifton climbed off the barbarian's back but stayed close by. The stairs wound downward for miles. Crifton's ears popped several times as they descended. A remarkably convenient glowing moss grew along the walls. Rux tore off a piece. "Tastes like chocolate." Crifton reached his hand out, then pulled it back. "Probably poisonous," he muttered. "The Author's not getting me that easy." At the bottom was a humongous chamber. Gold lay in gargantuan piles, mixed with diamonds and rubies of immense size. At the far end of the room a hand holding a glowing sword stuck out of one of the piles. There was a drum roll, and then a voice whispered dramatically, "The Sword of Bromide." They crept forward. Crifton was careful to step only where Rux did. Suddenly, from behind a pile of gold, a beautiful woman with green skin, azure eyes, and long, wavy, blonde hair appeared. "Who dares to enter The Dungeon of Demise?" Her voice, which sounded like Marilyn Monroe's, echoed in the large chamber. "Me and Crifton," Rux said. "Crifton and I," the wizard corrected. "No, you Crifton. Me Rux. So is Me and Crifton." The wizard sighed the sigh of the long suffering. The woman continued, "And what is your quest?" "To do the tasks The Author commands," Crifton said. "And what is the deepest desire of your heart?" Rux grabbed the woman around the waist. "To have sex with lady." She moaned as he planted a kiss on her lips and held her roughly to his body. As he removed her robes - "My word!" Crifton said. "Wait until I leave the room, would you?" He stalked off to watch the stairs. "The Author's not going to have a sneak attack on me." The wizard put his hands over his ears, but could still hear the green woman crying out in passion. Suddenly a hoard of Offensive Revolting Creatures, or ORC's for short, appeared at the foot of the stairs. "Really?" Crifton shook his fist in the air. "Is that very likely? Why would they arrive when the hero was busy. Could there be a worse time?" He ran back toward the lovers. "ORC's! ORC's! We have to get out of here." Rux jumped up from the woman. "Thank you, ma'am." He turned toward Crifton. "You fight ORC's. I get sword." Crifton glanced at the approaching hoard. "Not bloody likely. The Author's not getting me that way." Rux reached The Sword just as Crifton ran by the woman. As soon as Rux touched it, a gleaming white armor covered him from head to toe. "Ah, finally I have the powers of intelligent speech, too!" He pointed The Sword toward the approaching hoard of ORC's. Fire shot out of the tip, and burned them all to a smoldering crisp. Everything seemed right in the world, when suddenly Crifton realized that the woman was a woman no longer. She had become a gigantic, green, fire-breathing dragon. From the steam that came out of her ears, he guessed she was angry. "No man gets off me until I'm done!" she roared. Crifton cowered behind Rux. "Not to worry!" Rux said in an overly dramatic voice. Just then, the dragon brought its head within easy reach and the barbarian cut it off. "And so The Seething Green Dragon is vanquished." As they walked up the stairs to leave the dungeon, Crifton said, "It looks like the Oracle was wrong. The book's nearly over, I'm still alive. If I just keep talking for a few more seconds then The Author won't have room to -" A stalagmite fell from the ceiling onto Crifton. "It's a stalactite, you hack," the wizard muttered, then died. Book 3: The Two Ring Crifton, The High White Wizard of The Order of The Atramentous Coruscation, and Rux, the overly dramatic knight who was transformed from a barbarian by The Sword of Bromide, approached the entrance to Mount Peril. "I can't believe you found me reincarnated in the forest," Crifton said. "And my robes are white too. Shouldn't there be some kind of explanation for this?" "Silence!" Rux said. "They come!" Up the mountainside came a horde of ORC's. "Well, don't just stand there," Crifton said. "Use your sword." Rux pointed his sword at the nearest ORC. The weapon shook in his hand. "Something is preventing me from doing the same thing twice! Use your magic, Wizard." Crifton scowled. "I can't do that. We have to use guile and trickery to defeat our enemies. It prevents the book from feeling like there's a Deus ex Machina." "Trouble me not with your magic words!" Rux declared. "You will have no much choice if it's your last stand," Rux said, and ran into the mountain. The gate slammed closed behind him. Rux charged down the metal corridor, with The Sword of Bromide in his hands. He passed through a doorway and found himself in a colossal chamber. At the center stood a man whose evil permeated the air around him. A man who rasped so loudly when he breathed that he could be identified by that sound alone. A man who liked to eat garlic by the handful. Xxe'xlzrt'a'u'lau. "At last we meet, Xxe'x - er - Xxe'xlz - er - foul monster!" Rux cried. Xxe'xlzrt'a'u'lau silently pulled out a sword that looked identical to The Sword of Bromide except that instead of glowing it put everything nearby in gloom. There was an epic battle, with lots of dramatic music, but, in the end, Xxe'xlzrt'a'u'lau lay on the ground, weaponless. Rux raised his sword. "Remove your helmet so I can look upon the face of evil!" Xxe'xlzrt'a'u'lau pulled off his helmet. Underneath there was long flowing blonde hair, a low brow, and a boxer's nose. He looked just like Rux. "You're my father, Luke!" "My name is Xxe'xlzrt'a'u'lau, not Luke, you foolish do-gooder." Rux squinted. "Oh, you're right! Sorry about that! The similarity is uncanny!" "He may not be your father, but I'm you're grandfather." Crifton stood in the doorway with torn robes and hair that looked like he'd been given a swirly in a toilet. While Rux's gaze was averted, Xxe'xlzrt'a'u'lau pulled a ring out of his pocket. Crifton gasped. "Is that The One -" "No," Xxe'xlzrt'a'u'lau said. "It is The Two Ring." He slipped it one his finger and disappeared. "Great, I'm invisible, but I can't see anything. That's what I get for buying something from a man with hairy feet!" The sound of footsteps moved randomly about the room. The green woman from the second book appeared from a side door. There was a scar around her neck, but she looked remarkably alive. "Oh, crap! Not you!" Rux shouted. He hated seeing old lovers. "I'm not falling for that old trick," came Xxe'xlzrt'a'u'lau's disembodied voice. The woman turned into a dragon, sniffed a few times, and bit at the air. Xxe'xlzrt'a'u'lau appeared with a bleeding stump where his right hand should be. Xxe'xlzrt'a'u'lau spun around with rage in his eyes. "Why have you betrayed me? Because this barbarian had sex with you?" "No. Because Rux is my half-brother. Luke was my father, and a dragon was my mother." She grabbed Xxe'xlzrt'a'u'lau in her jaws, shook him, then swallowed him whole. "Evil has been defeated," Crifton said, "and the dead rose again. The prophecy The Author wrote after completing the books was fulfilled. Our job here is complete." His gaze fell on Rux vomiting in the corner. "Grandson, what's wrong?" The End © 2004 by David A. Olson |
| Sword of Bromide by David A. Olson |