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"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host." - David Letterman "If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can." - David Letterman "If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever." - David Letterman "I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!" - David Letterman "I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red." - David Letterman "I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments." - David Letterman "I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty." - David Letterman "I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me." - David Letterman "I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been." - David Letterman "I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious." - David Letterman "I'm nothing if not an optimist." - David Letterman "In Chappaqua, there was so much snow up there; Clinton's intern actually went down on a toboggan." - David Letterman "In Hollywood, Oscar is king." - David Letterman "Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard." - David Letterman "I spend most of my free time under the house." - David Letterman "It's not too late to get the stand-by audience in here." - David Letterman "It was such a dull award show, I thought I was hosting." - David Letterman "I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night -- this was so sweet, it means a great deal to me -- the other cult members got together and they all took me out to see Star Wars." - David Letterman "I wouldn't give my troubles to a monkey on a rock." - David Letterman |
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