Journals of an Insane Genius --May 1999

I’ve got a bad feeling about this. My problem is that I never expected to win. But as it turns out I think our entry stands a pretty good chance. This all started about a month ago. The hype for the new Star Wars Episode One movie was in full swing. A radio station in Tucson started a contest with a grand prize of one thousand dollars. All a person had to do to win this prize was write a letter explaining why he or she was the biggest Star Wars fan. That and be willing to legally change his or her name to Obi-Wan Kenobi, one of the main characters of the Star Wars movies. I wasn’t even considering entering this contest until Melissa took advantage of the fact that I have no resistance to peer pressure. I agreed to help her write a letter and we would split the prize money. I wasn’t really concerned about the name change requirement because I didn’t think we had much of a chance.

For some strange reason interesting things have been happening to me lately whenever I’m someplace where my car is being serviced. I had taken my sure-footed Plymouth Neon to the dealership in Tucson for it’s 15,000-mile maintenance. I suspected that this was nothing more than an expensive tune up and didn’t anticipate a long wait. I was there for five hours. While I was waiting I scribbled out the following letter:

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Can't Say As I Care Much For Hutt Meat, But Ewok, Now Them's Good Eatin'

Now that you've been hooked, allow us to introduce ourselves:

My buddy Melissa is the world's biggest Star Wars fanatic. But not in the annoying way similar to the letters you've been flooded with recently (dear KRQ, I'm the biggest fan, I have every action figure in mint condition - you know that's a load of bull because any true fan would play with their action figures). Mel is the biggest fan because the Star Wars phenomenon makes a difference in her life. On days when the world seems like a big cesspool, she'll insert a videotape and be lifted up. Or she'll invite me over for a "friendly" game of Star Wars Trivial Pursuit (at which, she reigns as supreme know-it-all). She represents the light side of fandom, everything that is good about a Star Wars fan, including a high enough level of intelligence to not be in everyone's face spouting lines from the movies (unless they're interested) or changing her name to that of one of the characters...

That's where I come in. Every man has his price, and mine is fifty bucks. The mere fact that you are offering twenty times that is enough to get me to change my name, but I have an even more compelling reason. You see, the name Doug Miller is actually an anagram for "Do Girl Mule". Who the heck would want to live with that hanging over their head? But if I change it to Obi-Wan Kenobi, then my name would be an anagram for "I wank boobie", which should be much more popular with the ladies. Toss in the side effect that my new name would also be linked to Alec Guinness, an anagram for "Genuine Class", and I may even be able to get a date. So, my desire to win your contest represents the dark side of fandom, someone willing to bastardize one of the character's names to suit their own sinister purposes. Keep in mind that any single person claiming to be both the biggest fan and willing to change their name is a liar. The biggest fan wouldn't desecrate the Star Wars legend in that way, but I would.

So there you have it. Mel is the biggest fan, and I'm willing to change my name. Never tell me the odds, but if you examine your heart, you'll know that I'm right and award us the prize.

Many Bothans died to bring you this information.

Doug Miller (Darth Sanity) and Melissa Coulter (Darth Advisable)
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I think that the evil Jedi Knight names will be what pushes our entry over the top. Melissa pointed out that there was a pattern to the names of the Jedi Knights from the Dark Side of The Force. Most people remember Darth Vader (as in IN-Vader) from the first three movies. The new movie will introduce Darth Sidious (as in IN-Sidious) and Darth Maul (as in... IN-Maul ??). Well okay the pattern breaks down on that last one but we weren’t about to let such a trifling technicality ruin our fun new game of creating evil Jedi names for people (President Clinton = Darth Fidelity ?)

Ironically, I’ve started listening to KRQ and discovered that they are running another promotion that also awards a thousand dollars as a prize. Basically all you have to do is send them your phone number and if they call and ask you for the “phrase that pays” you need to respond with, “93.7 KRQ, Today’s Best Music.” It’s hardly fair that one contest requires the winner to undergo a legal name change while the other merely requires the winner to tell a lie.

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