in five easy steps...
When everyone is an artist the world will look
Heaps different.
Of course we are thinking that when all people have the freedom of mind and body,
They will actualize their innate creativity; thereby the world will be transformed by
In every area. But as this seems to be a long way off, perhaps it would do well
To give everyone the tools and the push towards becoming artists, once they become
Artists their thinking will necessarily change for the better.
So it’s just going about it the other ways around.
Also one of the things that help us all everyday is humor,
And so in that thought, a little parody.
The DIY do it yourself lessons are entirely fictional
Parody and satire And should not be construed.
How to become a performance artist.
So you have been contemplating the exciting and
Rewarding field of performance art you say?
But you just don’t know where to start?
Well look no further, here in five easy steps that you can
Perfect in your spare time you will soon not only become
An actual performance artist, but you will get paid for
Your effort (how many performance artists no matter what their talent can claim that?!!!
Not only that but you no previous performing experience or talent is necessary!
So come on, I’ll give you the tools and then you will soon be doing
Locally renowned performances pieces like Alex Bag and oh whats her name!
Step one.
Ok the first step is to figure what it is you are trying to say.
The next step is to realize that as a performance artist
You never need say it; in fact it is rather detrimental if you do.
Step two.
OK now you know what you want to say…hmm wait,
Did you say you are not sure, or you got a list as long as your
Earlobe? Ok, what I am going to do at no extra cost, is to
Give you your first topic, then after you see how this works
You will be flying solo in no time.
Ok lets assume that you are angry at the wall mart because
They are big fat disgusting machines that eat up everything good
And pure in this world w/their exploitive use of workers, including
Firing anyone they can that gives a whiff of starting a union, hiring
80 percent of their workers as part time so they can avoid paying
For health insurance to the workers that do the work, drive nice
Places out of business, pollute the landscape with their ugly concentration camp like edifices, and run insulting advertisements during the Simpson’s.
Ok that sounds like some good fodder. Next we will move on to
Readying yourself for the performance!
But wait I hear you shouting, where is the performance to take place?
Why, at your local Wal-Mart naturally! No I am not speaking of some ineffective
Protest, letter writing campaign or such. What I am talking about is, you
Are going to go undercover! That’s right, you are going to get a job,
Part time (as if you would have a choice at Wal-Mart!) and that is where you will do your performance, I promised you, that you would get paid didn’t I? Well not very well,
But consider it as doing your duty for art!
Ok now then what you have to do is decide upon the role you should play.
The choices are endless and you can choose the one that you feel most comfortable with.
Remember one of the greatest costs to an employer is hiring new people and training them, and as your performance should last a relatively short time, just by the simple fact
Of getting a job there and then quitting, you are going to cost them money! You can think
Of this as doing your part in paving the way for better wages for the workers to come after you, a costly high turn over rate might help raise the wages. Consider doing your performance for a month, which is long enough that your abrupt leaving shall cost them money and you can cause some havoc while you are there.
A couple examples of the roles open to you, the sorta dumb or
Confused but Ernest worker. The gung ho natural leader and follower
Of rules. The laughable and light hearted realist. The happy airhead.
The really dumb, but hard worker (if you pick this you will get the worst job available) the relaxed and cool kitty. There are more choices. Whatever you choose, it
Is usually a good tip to play it a little dumber than you are at times, a little
Simpler. Likewise you should seem pretty relaxed and show an interest in the job, not for any phony reason, just because you want some money, and also say you like the store and that you shop there! But don’t appear to over egger either; you don’t want to appear desperate!
Lesson Four
Ok you got the job! Your stage is set!
What you must do, and really you should consider this before you
Begin, is how will your performance evolve?
One tactic is the slow mover. In this it would be wise from the start to just sorta barely meet the requirements of the job, but be sure to take a really long time to do tasks.
It is important that you seem realizable, but you should drag out everything you do, remember every second longer is costing the rich tyrants that own the place a few pennies. The other tactic is to try to quickly move into some position of either
Authority or an important cog in the machine, be someone that is depended on and does a fine job of things, then you suddenly quit! Leaving them facing their results of crappy pay and horrific business practices. Keep in mind that your performance is greatly enhanced by the more profit you can squeeze away from the tyrants, by accidentally
Spilling a drink into a computer or other electronic gear etc, and all the while getting paid
(a miserable sum) for it, then you quit! Accidents are good because even if you get fired who cares that is a brilliant ending.
Lesson five
Ok now comes the real brilliance of your performance, for you are already doing a performance, but it will now become a double undercover role if you so choose!
A lot of what you can do in this area depends upon the role you are playing and the
Position you have. What you want to do, is figure out ways to make the low wage character you play actually cost the elitist owners more pennies for being such pigs
And not splitting up the profits in a fare manner. One thing you don’t want to do is either steal anything nor do your job so bad you get fired, that is a flop performance a real stinker so take measures to avoid that. Also for your own protection remember that when things get mysteriously messed up, or such, the first persons they look at is a disgruntled employee. So it is up to you to carry your performance and be above suspicion.
A couple things as examples, if you are a person that stocks things on a shelf every now and then when you open a box with your little blade, accidentally cut into the merchandise.
Do it smart though. If you have the opportunity to set a box into some water, or let a wet mop drip its dirty water on some merchandise that’s the sort of thing that can make an item a no seller, but can remain for a long enough time as completely invisible to everyone that worked there. Remember the boss is blind to 90 percent of what is in front of them, take note and learn what the boss actually pays attention to, before you take action. Another possibility is to get in contact with someone that works for a similar but union store in your area, asks them for some union information, get plenty of copies and then distribute these to your fellow workers, this is a good way to end the performance, as you will be fired very quickly. Lastly before you hit the stage, remember that your co-workers are the ones to benefit from your performance, turn on the performance9but not the deep undercover) for their benefit, remember this is a performance of active protest, and what you are protesting is the tyrants that run a exploitive business,
Telling a jack ass boss to fuck off is not an effective protest, things that cut into the profit margin are. The undercover actions you take in part are determined by how long you attend to keep the performance going. If you are not up to passing around union lit. Then a good idea might be to quit right before a big holiday weekend, it sucks a little for the people working there but it will cut into the efficiency and profits of the tyrants
Ok you are all set to begin your exciting and fulfilling career as a
Performance artist! One last note: don’t spend any of your wages at the store,
This is a really stupid way to destroy would could be an effective and
Artistic performance.
