What_Now



	Chapters 1-7 Chapters 8-14 Chapters 15-21 Chapter 22-28 Chapter 29-35 Chapter 36-40 Title: What Now Background: Originally posted summer 2004. Written post season nine – summer pre season 10 Rating: PG 13 Summary: My version of what happened after Hail and Farewell the season 9 finale. Chapter 1 “Men seem to pass through my life. Except you. Will you always be there?” “Yes,” he answered sincerely, turning slightly to face her. “Then you need to know what the doctor told me.” Harm reached over and held her hand, and his breath. “I’ve got a tumor wrapped around one of my ovaries,” Mac said looking down at the strong hand holding hers. Harm squeezed her hand, not knowing what to say. He wanted to hold her and will the problem away with the sheer force of his love for her, but he didn’t dare, not here, not now. “I’m going to need surgery. The sooner the better.” She looked up at him a moment. “If I’m lucky, they’ll only take the one ovary.” She took a deep breath, for courage. “The odds for getting pregnant just tanked by 50% and they weren’t so great at my age to begin with.” Mac swallowed hard wanting to crawl under a rock somewhere. Harm knew he needed to say something, but words just weren’t coming. “What can I do?” Harm finally heard himself ask. Mac looked up into his beautiful green eyes. She could easily drown in those eyes. What should she say? Hold me, love me, make it all go away. Eight wasted years of banter and stupidity. Eight years of longing. Eight barren years. Harm had seen Mac at highs and lows in her life, but never had he seen so much pain in her eyes. Not even when she came to tell him Webb had died. “Why don’t you let me take you home. You probably shouldn’t be out right now anyway,” Harm suggested when Mac didn’t answer. “I’m okay, I was told to take it easy.” “Somehow, I don’t think a dining out was what the doctor had in mind when she told you to take it easy.” Harm was still holding her hand. “She knew, she told me to take a cab.” “Well, you’ve got your ride home when you’re ready.” Harm was getting worried. Mac was looking really tired. “We’d probably better go back in. Someone’s bound to notice we’re missing,” Mac grinned, standing up. “Nah, Tiner couldn’t make it,” Harm chuckled, thinking back to that night long ago on another porch. Regretfully, he released her hand. . “If the offer stands, I wouldn’t mind going home soon,” Mac commented softly. Nodding his head and offering her his arm, “Always, Mac, always.” He was talking about more than the ride home and they both knew it. Highway to DC Harm’s Lexus. “I’m glad you didn’t bring the vette.” Mac tried to smile. “The Lexus is better for longer drives.” Harm noticed Mac still looked very uncomfortable. “You want to tell me what else the doctor said?” “Well, on the bright side, 98% of ovarian tumors at my age are benign and the treatment through the years has become less aggressive. They used to often do complete hysterectomies to prevent ovarian cancer. Now they can often treat these tumors with medication.” Mac was leaning heavily against the door. “I thought you said you needed surgery?” “The reason my back pain has been increasing is the tumor is twisting, it needs to be removed. If they can, they’ll remove only the tumor, but the way it’s wrapped around the ovary, it’s most likely destroyed the normal ovarian tissue and the ovary will have to be removed as well.” Mac closed her eyes. The emotions of all this, as well as the after affects from the laparoscopy were catching up with her. “But you can still have children?” Harm asked timidly. “Maybe,” she grimaced, shifting uncomfortably. “Do you still want a baby?” If possible, Harm’s voice came out more softly than before. “Yes.” Mac opened her eyes, but couldn’t look at Harm. “Would you consider doing it… together, as we planned five years ago?” His voice was almost shaky. “Yes.” She swallowed hard. Finding the courage to look in Harm’s direction, she softly answered, “It’s all I’ve ever considered.” “When do they want to do surgery?” The strength in Harm’s voice was coming back. “It depends on how quickly I can clear up my caseload.” “What do you mean clear up. Just hand off whatever is on your desk, we’ll sort it out.” Harm was incredulous that she would delay needed surgery to finish up cases. “I will, but it will make everyone’s life easier if I have all my notes and reports in order.” Mac held back a yawn. “Hey, I’m sorry. You must be exhausted. We can talk about this some more later.” Harm felt badly, he should have realized how drained she’d be by now. Mac’s apartment Georgetown 20 minutes later “Mac, you’re home.” Harm gently shook her arm. Mac had fallen asleep the last portion of the ride. She looked so tired, Harm hated to wake her. Still dazed, Mac straightened up in the chair giving Harm time to step around and help her out. Once in the apartment, she set her purse down on the table. “Would you like some tea?” she offered. “No, thank you. You should get to bed,” Harm said, not moving from inside the doorway. “I know, but I’d like some tea. Care to reconsider?” Mac asked wearily. “In that case, you get ready for bed, and I’ll make the tea.” Harm walked up next to her, placing his hands on her shoulders, he turned her in the direction of her room and gave her a little nudge. “Yes, sir.” Mac snapped a salute, too tired to put up a fight. Harm took off his jacket and cummerbund, laying them neatly on a dining room chair. Almost finished making the tea, he was getting concerned Mac still hadn’t returned from her room. “Need any help in there?” He asked, carrying the teacups into the living room. Seeing Mac finally emerge from her room moving very slowly, Harm quickly set the cups down and jetted over to assist her. “You okay? And don’t tell me I keep asking that,” he barked, the worry evident in his voice. “I’m starting to really feel the discomfort. It took longer than I thought to undress.” Mac tried to smile. “You should have called me, I’d have helped.” Harm groaned when he realized what he’d just said. “I know,” she smiled. For a brief moment, she had actually considered it. “Why don’t you just turn right around and head back to bed and I’ll bring you the tea in there.” Harm maneuvered her around as he had done earlier. “That’s silly. I can sit in here.” Her voice sounded a little stronger. “Sure you can, but it’s ridiculous to get comfortable only to have to get up and go through it again in your room later. Let’s move.” Harm picked up the two cups and pointed to her room with his nose. Shaking her head slightly, Mac smiled the first genuine smile of the evening. “Yes, Commander Nightingale.” A few minutes later, Mac was comfortably tucked into bed, pillows appropriately fluffed and patted. Harm had taken his shoes off and was sitting on the spread next to Mac. “You were right, this was a good idea.” Mac took another sip of tea. “I have a few good ones once in a while,” he teased, setting his cup down on the nightstand. “What happens now?” he asked, turning his head to see her. “I clear off my desk, then schedule the surgery.” She let out a small sigh. “Is it difficult?” “Not really, it’s a surgical laparoscopy. This way it’s outpatient surgery and there should only be a one week recovery time. Two on the outside.” Mac was staring into her cup of tea. “I’m going with you.” Harm put his hand on her lap and gently patted her leg. It wasn’t a question. Mac could see there was no room for argument. “Thank you.” Holding back her tears, her voice was barely above a whisper. “Oh, Mac. Everything will be okay.” His heart broke watching a single tear escape her water filled eyes, making it’s way down her cheek. He lifted his hand and gently brushed the tear away. Another quickly followed in its path. Taking the cup out of her hand and placing it on the nightstand beside his, Harm turned back and gathered her gingerly into his arms. Chapter 2 Mac’s apartment Georgetown Next Morning Feeling a little stiffness in his back, a heaviness on his chest stopped Harm from shifting. Instinctively, his arm moved to the source of the burden. His hand landing squarely on Sarah MacKenzie’s back, Harm forced one eye open, fighting a sleepy haze. Within moments it all came back to him. The porch, the conversation, the ride home, and Mac crying herself to sleep. He glanced over at the clock on her nightstand. He never understood why she needed a clock with her sense of timing, but he was glad she did. Eight forty five. He needed to get up and call Mattie. She wasn’t used to him not coming home at night and he didn’t want her assuming the wrong thing. His eyes slowly scanned the beautiful woman sleeping on him, Harm wasn’t sure how to get out from under her. He wasn’t really all that sure he even wanted to. Before his mind had much time to fight this new battle, Mac began to stir. “Morning, sleepy head,” Harm whispered into the top of her hair. Mac grimaced trying to sit up. “Hey, hey, take it easy there marine,” Harm said, quickly grabbing her arm to support her. Shifting his weight to one side, he leaned into her using his arms to help her into a sitting position. “Thank you, again,” Mac exhaled a long slow breath. “You okay?” “Yeah, I just forgot I might still be a little sore,” she tried to reassure him. Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, “I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry.” She smiled at him. “Why don’t you stay put and I’ll go get breakfast,” Harm placed his hand on her arm. “I’m going to be down for the count soon enough, I can get us something to eat now,” she insisted. Harm knew when not to push his luck. While Mac began scrambling eggs, he called Mattie quickly to let her know the Colonel wasn’t feeling well and he’d probably be there most of the day. Neither one of them mentioned her illness, the surgery, or their deal the rest of the day. They chatted about the Admiral’s replacement, what were the odds one of Harriet’s twins might be a girl, how much Bud deserved his promotion, and just about anything and everything that old friends could talk about without mentioning anything potentially painful. By dinnertime, Mac insisted Harm go home and spend some time with Mattie. “I’m telling you Harm, I’m fine. I’m going to crawl into bed with a good book and go to sleep early,” Mac assured him, handing him his cummerbund and jacket. “Besides, I’m sure you’re tired of wearing that monkey suit all day,” Mac chuckled, pointing aimlessly at Harm. “A shower would be nice,” Harm sighed. “You win marine, but promise you’ll call if you need anything?” “Promise,” she nodded, practically pushing him out the front door. “Goodnight,” he nodded back, waving his cummerbund at her. “Night,” she smiled, leaning heavily on the door. Resting her weight on the now closed door, Mac paused to contemplate what had she done right in her life to deserve Harm’s friendship? Shaking her head, she walked to her room, clearing her mind of all thoughts except a warm bed and good book. JAG Headquarters Monday morning 0700 hours Activity in the bullpen was already buzzing. The new JAG was due in sometime after lunch today. Only the senior staff were given the opportunity to meet briefly with the new admiral after the change of command. There wasn’t an officer or enlisted man who hadn’t arrived early to ensure his or her posts would be in tiptop shape for the new admiral’s first day in the office. Jennifer was probably the most nervous of the bunch. By seven thirty she had moved the pencil holder from the left to right side of her desk and back again at least three separate times. She could only pray the phone would start ringing in hopes of creating some much needed distraction. When Harm stepped off the elevator at 0750, the bullpen was humming like a well oiled machine. “Morning Harriet,” Harm smiled, walking past her desk. “Morning, sir.” “Ready for the new admiral?” he continued. “Yes, sir, maybe.” She couldn’t refrain from giggling nervously. “Is the Colonel in yet?” “Yes, sir. She got here bright and early as usual, sir.” “Thank you, Harriet.” Harm turned towards Mac’s office. “How goes it this morning?” He asked from her doorway. “Fine, thank you,” Mac nodded, forcing a smile. “Let me know if you need any help clearing your desk.” “Will do.” The fake smile was still plastered on her face. “Does Coates know what’s going on yet?” Harm asked carefully. “Request for medical leave’s been on her desk since 0645,” Mac sighed, tired of trying to smile. “Okay then, you know where to find me if you need me.” Shrugging slightly, he reluctantly backed away from the door and continued to his office. Dropping his briefcase and cover on the desk, Harm did an immediate one eighty and made his way to Petty Officer Coates’ desk. “Morning, Jen.” Harm had already decided he wasn’t going to ask her about the new admiral. She’d been fidgeting nervously all weekend and he thought if by some miracle she happened to have forgotten about it, there was no point in reminding her. “You have Colonel MacKenzie’s request for medical leave?” It wasn’t really a question. “Yes, sir. Right here waiting for the Admiral’s signature.” “I need you to please see to it that I get the day of surgery and maybe the next couple of days off as well.” “Yes, sir. I’ll take care of it, and if you don’t mind me saying so, that’s very nice of you, sir,” Jen smiled up at him. She knew the Commander and Colonel had been through a lot together and she was happy, despite the circumstances, to see them go through this together as well. Bullpen 1410 hours Everyone had been on pins and needles waiting for the arrival of the new JAG when a deep voice finally called out, “attention on deck.” Admiral Rita Chaidez walked briskly into the bullpen. “At ease. I look forward to working with all of you, but at the moment, I’m sure everyone has plenty to do. Carry on.” She continued quickly to her office. “Good afternoon, ma’am.” Petty Officer Coates’ sprang to attention. “Petty Officer,” she nodded her head. “If you’ll follow me please.” Barely pausing by Jennifer’s desk, the Admiral marched into her office as though she’d been doing this for years. Grabbing her notepad and a pen, Jen followed in step behind the woman. “At ease,” the Admiral ordered, taking her seat behind the large oak desk. “I understand from Admiral Chegwidden that you have been one of his best yeomen.” “Thank you, ma’am,” Jen answered nervously. “I have tremendous faith in Admiral Chegwidden’s judgement of character, and look forward to developing the same opinion of you he has.” She smiled softly to put the young yeoman at ease, then sat back in her chair. “Now, I want all senior staff personnel files on my desk before you leave today. Bring Colonel MacKenzie’s file to me now, and tell her I want to see her in thirty.” “Yes, ma’am. Also ma’am, you’ll notice in the papers I’ve left for your review, the Colonel’s request for medical leave is on top.” Jen pointed to a stack of papers on the admiral’s desk. “Thank you, Jennifer. I’ll make sure to look at it before I see the Colonel,” she nodded. “The Commander’s request for time off is just underneath it, ma’am,” Jennifer added, straightening her shoulders. “The Commander’s?” Admiral Chaidez’s voice had just gone up a notch. “Yes, ma’am. The Colonel is having surgery, and I believe the Commander plans to accompany her,” Jen replied briefly. “I see. I guess some things never change,” the Admiral smiled softly. Jennifer had no idea how to respond to that. “Anything else you’d like me to do ma’am?” “No, Petty Officer, that will be all. Dismissed.” The Admiral began reading the papers in front of her. Chapter 3 JAG Headquarters Admiral Chaidez’ office “Have a seat Colonel.” The Admiral waved at the chairs in front of her. “It’s been some time since you’ve been before me.” The Admiral looked down at the file in front of her. “Yes, ma’am.” Mac acknowledged. It had indeed been several years since, the then Captain Chaidez, had presided on the bench at HQ. Mac still remembered their first encounter at John Farrow’s court martial. “Admiral Chegwidden was very proud of his staff. According to the private notes he left me, he thinks his senior staff is the best in the Navy. A little unorthodox at times, but the best.” She looked up to read Mac’s reaction. “It’s my intention to leave things as they stand, you will remain my chief of staff, unless I’m shown good reason to do otherwise.” The Admiral’s voice was calm, but the implications were clear. “I can see from your service records, that neither you nor Commander Rabb have mellowed with time. I’m too young for gray hair.” Raising an eyebrow at Mac, she allowed a small smile to grace her lips. “Am I making myself clear?” “Crystal, ma’am.” Mac was sitting rigidly in place, her eyes smiling at the thought of all the gray hairs they’d given Admiral Chegwidden. “Now, Colonel. I understand you are in need of surgery.” The Admiral let out a short sigh, her shoulders relaxing back into the large leather chair. “That would be correct, ma’am,” Mac nodded. “From what I can see, things are pretty slow around here. I see no reason we can’t spare you and the Commander.” “The Commander?” Mac tried not to look too confused. “He’s requested leave time as well. I thought you knew.” The Admiral tilted her head slightly. These two were famous for watching each other’s back. She didn’t see why it would be any different this time. “The day of the surgery, yes ma’am.” Mac’s gaze was a little steadier, now that she remembered Harm would be taking her. “He’s asked for several days Colonel, and I see no reason not to grant them.” Mac’s eyes betrayed the broad range of thoughts and emotions flashing through her mind. The Admiral was starting to understand why what little hair AJ had left, was gray. “Thank you, ma’am.” Mac didn’t want to upset the apple cart so soon by protesting. Looking at Mac for a long moment, the Admiral debated whether or not it was a good idea to loosen parameters so early in her command. “You know, Colonel, this surgery you’re scheduled for is pretty routine.” She watched Mac carefully. “Yes, ma’am.” “The trick is not to push too hard early on.” The Admiral let one side of her mouth curl up in a smile. “Thank you, ma’am.” Mac bit her lower lip. “Colonel, if there’s something you’d like to know, I’d be happy to offer whatever assistance I can.” She paused a moment. “It’s normal to be a little… frightened, it won’t get you drummed out of the corps.” “Thank you, I am a little nervous, ma’am.” Mac swallowed hard. It was obvious to the Admiral that Mac was not prepared to open up. Perhaps it was better that way, if she was going to keep her perspective, she needed to keep her distance. “You’ll see, it will be easier than you think, but I insist you take as much time as you need, and don’t rush back too soon.” Watching the pressure on Mac’s lips tighten, “that’s an order.” “Aye aye, ma’am.” Bethesda Naval hospital Two days later Harm sat nervously in the waiting room. The doctor had come out and told him all had gone as expected. They did indeed have to remove the one ovary. Two more cysts were removed from her other ovary, but they hadn’t posed a problem, and the ovary was left intact. As soon as Mac woke up he would be able to take her home. Outpatient Recovery 45 minutes later “Hi there, sleepy head,” Harm whispered quietly. “How ya feeling?” “Like a pin cushion,” Mac responded without opening her eyes. “As soon as you’re up to it, we can go home.” Harm reached for her hand without thinking. “Just as soon as I get these cotton balls out of my mouth.” Mac tried to smile. “The doc said everything went well.” Harm could see Mac cringe. “They didn’t have to take both ovaries.” He hoped that was good news. “I know.” She smacked her lips, her mouth still feeling pasty. “What do you say you hand me my clothes and we hit the road.” Mac grimaced trying to sit up. “Take it easy.” Harm practically shouted at her. Leaning over he gripped her firmly on either side, “Okay, now.” Mac pushed off her hands to lift herself slightly, Harm pulling her up the rest of the way. Slowly, very slowly, she threw her legs over the side of the bed. “I think I’m going to need some help changing.” Mac scrunched one side of her face in a subtle apology. “Uh, yeah, let me see if I can get a nurse in here.” Harm stepped away from Mac slowly making sure she was steady. “Be right back,” he called from the doorway. For a fleeting moment, a sense of panic rushed through him at the thought of just how much help Mac might need the over the next few days. Mac’s apartment Later that evening Harm had moved Mac’s TV into her bedroom. He’d insisted he didn’t want her moving back and forth between rooms. At first, Mac wanted to protest she didn’t need to be coddled, but the truth was she felt like she’d been through a meat grinder, and not needing to walk around sounded pretty good to her. After watching TV for a couple of hours, Harm noticed Mac was grimacing more frequently for apparently no reason. Looking down at his watch, “Isn’t it about time you took some medication?” he asked. “No,” she answered too quickly. “Maaac.” Harm got up from the bed and walked around to her nightstand. Picking up the prescriptions she’d brought with her from the pharmacy at Bethesda, “It says here every four hours. It’s been more than that.” Harm poured a pill into his hand and picked up the glass of water, handing both to Mac. “I don’t need it.” She pushed his hand away. “Mac, it’s obvious you’re in pain, please.” Harm stuck his hand in front of her face again. “No, Harm. It says OR as needed. I don’t need them.” She glanced at him sideways without turning her head away from the TV. “Mac, I’m not going to argue with you, and I’m not going to sit here watching you suffer needlessly. Now, take the pills or I'm calling the Admiral and having her make it an order,” he smiled triumphantly. “You wouldn’t?” She turned to him in horror. Only raising his eyebrows, Mac knew he had her, she reached over and took the pills. “Happy now?” she asked scrunching her face and sticking her tongue out at him. Shaking his head, Harm set the pills back on the nightstand and returned to his previous place on the other side of her, careful not to jostle the bed as he sat. Not much time had passed when Harm noticed Mac staring blankly at the TV screen. "Penny for your thoughts," Harm asked softly. "Not worth that much." Her voice was barely audible. "To me their priceless," Harm, smiled. "I’m… scared." She continued to stare ahead. “It will be okay, you’ll see.” “Will it?” She snapped her head around to face him. “Can you promise me everything will be okay, that I’ll have the children I’ve always dreamed of, that I’ll get to watch them graduate, marry and have children of their own? Can you promise me I won’t grow old forgotten and alone? Can you!” Stunned by her outburst, Harm was at a momentary loss for words. Melting at the pain in her icy stare, he tried to vocalize the words in his heart. “I can promise you that you will not grow old forgotten or alone as long as I draw breath. I’m here for you. Anything you need or want from me is yours- anything. I can’t promise that you’ll have all the children you’ve dreamed of, but I do promise, if you’ll let me, to do everything in my power to help that dream become a reality.” Harm shifted to face her. Reaching up, he wiped away the single tear that was streaming down her cheek. Closing her eyes, Mac blindly reached out for Harm’s hand. Squeezing it tightly she pulled him a little closer. “Thank you.” Drawing a calming strength from each other, the two turned their attention back to the television. Chapter 4 Mac’s apartment Three days later By now Mac was feeling a little less sore. She’d spent the past three days in Harm’s old t-shirts. The first morning after surgery, she wasted twenty minutes trying to put on her underwear. Laughing at the memory of Harm standing in front of her the previous night, eyes closed, helping her out of her clothes, she finally gave up on the panties and decided an oversized t-shirt that reached her knees was the perfect solution to her discomfort and everyone’s sense of modesty. “You know, if you’re going to insist on staying here to take care of me you should at least move into my room,” Mac repeated for the umpteenth time. “Mac, we’ve been over this. There’s no way I’m willing to risk accidentally clobbering you in my sleep.” Harm turned back to finish folding up the linens from the sofa he’d slept on. “For heaven’s sake, Harm, what do you dream about – sumo wrestlers?” Mac was starting to feel really guilty, she could tell sleeping on the couch was beginning to have adverse affects on his back. “Yeah, sumo wrestlers, now let’s drop it.” Harm stormed into Mac’s room to deposit the sheets until he’d need to retrieve them again later tonight. He’d avoided telling Mac the dreams he’d had since Paraguay and the CIA. Too many mornings he’d woken up sprawled across the bed, practically strangled in his sheets. Returning to the living room, Harm stopped and looked at Mac. “Why are you wandering about anyway, you’re still supposed to be resting.” “I thought I’d get something to drink,” she mumbled on her way to the kitchen. “You are moving about better, but I think you’d better let me still get the drinks around here.” Harm whisked past her into the kitchen. Of course, at the tortoise-like pace she was moving, anyone could have whisked past her. Knowing she was fighting a losing battle, Mac did an about face and headed back to her room. “You didn’t say what you wanted, I hope this is okay.” Settled comfortably once again in her bed, Harm handed her a glass of orange juice. “Yeah, I wanted to move around more than I was thirsty,” she admitted softly. “I figured as much,” Harm smirked. Walking around the bed, he sat down beside her and picked up a book he’d been reading since staying with her. “Talk to Mattie yet today?” Mac inquired casually. “Yeah, she and Jen are having a great time without me. They’ve ordered pizza every night this week.” He shook his head, chuckling to himself. “Harm,” Mac’s voice was so low it was barely audible. “Hmm,” Harm answered without looking up. “About your offer.” Mac was focusing intently on the orange juice in her hand. She’d been thinking about this for days and finally drummed up the nerve to talk to Harm. “Hmm,” Harm hadn’t really registered yet what she was talking about. “You said it was still on the table for the future.” She began swirling her finger along the edge of the glass. “Yes.” He was still reading his book. “Is the offer good if I wanted to take you up on it now?” Mac looked over to see his response, somewhat startled to find he was still reading. Harm couldn’t have been more surprised when he realized what she was asking if she’d hit him over the head with a two by four. He turned slightly to face Mac, his book now forgotten. “Yes.” “I’d like to try.” Mac’s gaze returned to the glass of juice. “Sooner than later,” she added softly. “How soon?” Harm tried not to let his voice tremble. “As soon as the doctor says I can.” She looked up at him again. “What will you need me to do?” Harm posed the question carefully. He was willing to do whatever Mac asked of him. He knew what he’d prefer, but he’d do what she wanted. Mac hesitated considering his choice of words. She decided to ease into the subject more gradually. “The doctor told me I should try to use my natural cycle of egg production first. She can prescribe medication to increase the release of eggs, but there’s an increased risk of multiple births. It’s better to see if I can get pregnant without drugs.” “How do you, I mean we, I mean, what do you want...” Taking a deep breath to regroup. “Did she say what’s the best way to do this?” Harm couldn’t remember the last time he felt so awkward or tongue-tied. He wasn’t really a prude as Mac had so often suggested. He had no problems mentioning dress whites, gold wings, and bed in the same sentence, but this was different, this was about Mac. He wasn’t supposed to be discussing this, he should just be loving her. “She mentioned that generally it’s best to let nature take its course, if possible. Medical intervention can get costly fast.” “How do you feel about that?” His voice definitely cracked a little that time, he hoped she hadn’t noticed. Mac’s mouth curled up slightly at the tremble in his voice. He was as nervous about this as she was. “You have to admit Harm, there’s always been some indefinable something between us. Surely, the idea of sleeping with me can’t be all that distasteful.” Mac had a small smile on her face, but her words were sharp and sincere. She really didn’t know if Harm wanted her. Harm couldn’t resist reaching out and delicately brushing his hand along her arm. He felt her sharp intake of breath at his touch. For just a moment he pondered the possibility that not only did she have no idea how much he wanted her, but just maybe she wanted him as more than a donor. “Do you honestly think I could find anything about you distasteful?” Harm began slowly drawing circles on Mac’s arm with his thumb. “I hope not.” Mac’s eyes moved to focus on his delicate caress. “Never.” Closing his eyes, drawing strength from somewhere deep down in his soul. “There isn’t anything in this world I would want more than making a child with you the old fashioned way.” Mac batted back the moisture building in her eyes. “I’m glad you don’t mind. If you wanted to do this the clinical way, I’d always worry someone made a mistake somewhere along the lines and our child wasn’t yours.” Harm didn’t know if he should be more startled that she ever thought he would ‘mind’ making love to her, or that she not only wanted a child, but she wanted HIS child. “You know how there’s always an article somewhere about fraud or errors involved in clinical impregnation.” Mac hadn’t noticed she was rambling out of sheer nervousness. “If you’re sure you don’t mind, then I’ll discuss it some more with my doctor. She’ll probably have more information about timing and things to help.” Mac was quickly running all the things through her mind that she hadn’t dared consider before. There were those words again, ‘if he didn’t mind.’ Harm was totally stunned to discover Mac truly thought this was going to be some sort of chore for him, some necessity that would be gotten out of the way quickly. God, was it possible all this time, she really didn’t know how he felt? “Mac,” Harm took hold of both her hands, “listen to me very carefully.” Harm paused until he was sure he had her undivided attention. “I do not 'mind' making love with you.” Harm noticed Mac’s eyes widen like saucers at his choice of words. “I’ve spent every minute of the last five years hoping when the time came you would still want to have my child. My only… fear is losing you when you don’t… need me anymore. I don’t know that I could go back and pretend nothing happened, but I will if that’s all you want from me.” Mac sat in total shock. Was he saying what she thought he was saying? Summoning up all the nerve she could, Mac dropped her gaze and took a deep breath. “I’ve always wanted more.” Lifting her chin, Harm shifted sideways so he could reach her lips without making her move. Slowly, making sure the gesture was welcome, Harm’s lips delicately met hers. With a soft caress that lingered only a few moments, Harm pulled back watching Mac’s eyes flutter open. “Marry me?” Chapter 5 Mac’s apartment Georgetown Same time Her eyes opened wider than he’d ever seen, “Wh, what?” she fumbled. “Marry me?” Mac couldn’t believe she’d heard him correctly. She knew he was an honorable man, and there was always the chance he’d offer to make an honest woman of her if they had a child, but she hadn’t expected this. She honestly didn’t know what to say. “If you need time to think about it I understand.” Harm didn’t know what possessed him to blurt a proposal out so abruptly. He didn’t know what was more of a surprise to him, that he’d asked her at all, or that he desperately wanted her to say yes. Mac tried frantically to blink away her confusion. The lawyer in Harm couldn’t remain patiently silent. “Think about it Mac, you said it yourself, men and women have passed in and out of our lives, and yet, it’s still the two of us here taking care of each other. We’ve suffered through more pains and challenges than most ordinary married couples would ever face, and our friendship is still intact. Few marriages would have survived what we’ve been through.” He searched her face as though he were trying to read a jury. He couldn’t tell if she agreed with him, but he sensed that at least he hadn’t lost her interest. “How many marriages do you know of that ended because once the initial passions of new love died, they had nothing left to share. Honestly, think about how many divorced couples we know who don’t even like each other? Our friendship has already lasted longer than most marriages, we’d never lose that.” “So, you’re asking me to marry you out of friendship?” Mac wondered how long that would last before she became a noose around his neck. “It’s a better start than a lot of people have.” Harm felt sure given the opportunity, their love would outshine their friendship. “Yeah,” she snorted, “I guess it is.” The ends of her mouth curled up in the first signs of a smile since this entire conversation began. “What if I can’t have a baby, then what?” Mac bit her lower lip. It was one thing for him to offer his... services to help her fulfill a dream, it was a whole other ball game for him to be saddled with her the rest of his life if she proved to be barren as Sadik had said. “Then we’d still have each other. If you want we could adopt. Remember Mac, I’ve told you before, what I want most in life is to never lose you. That hasn’t changed. It never will.” Maybe Mac was crazy, but this was actually starting to make sense. She was so tired of being alone, so tired of the battles. Then again, why would being married to Harm stop the battles? Well, for one thing, they wouldn’t have to argue anymore about ‘us.’ That did seem to be where they ran into trouble most of the time, didn’t it? She could think of worse things than being married to Harm. “One of us would have to transfer out,” she said sheepishly. “It won’t be the first time I’ve left JAG for something that means more to me.” He didn’t want to scare her away, but he wanted her to know this wasn’t a chivalrous gesture solely for the purpose of legitimizing any future offspring. “You shouldn’t have to anymore.” Embarrassed at the recollection of all Harm had willingly sacrificed for her, she dropped her gaze wondering how she could be surprised at his proposal. How dense was she? “I don’t want to be presumptuous, but if we’re discussing who should transfer, does that mean the answer is yes?” A gleam of childlike excitement was flickering in his gaze. Smiling broadly, Mac lifted her eyes to meet his, “Yeah, I guess it does.” Unbelievably, Mac’s smile grew even brighter. If Mac hadn’t been so sore from surgery, Harm would have snatched her up in his arms and loved her right then and there. As it was it took everything in him not to jump up and shout from the rooftops. He settled for a chaste congratulatory kiss, and bit back the urge to say I love you. “If you promise to be good and stay put for a little bit, I’ve got a couple of things I’d like to take care of.” Harm held her hand, mindlessly caressing it with his thumb. “I’ll be good,” she promised, biting back an urge to moan at the tingling pleasure he was stirring inside of her. Mac tried taking a nap, but the excitement of the morning’s events wouldn’t allow sleep to overtake her. She couldn’t believe what had just happened. Her mind went over and over the conversation. Did he really love her, or was he settling for a safe relationship? Nonsense, Harmon Rabb never settled for anything in his life. Right? Right, she argued with herself. She continued back and forth in her own mind with the pros and cons of what she’d just gotten herself into, the pros seriously outweighing the cons. The only major fear she couldn’t shake was the concern, would Harm learn to resent her one day if they never had children? She wanted this so much, she would find a way to make it work, she just had to. She hadn’t noticed how long she’d been arguing with herself until she heard Harm’s footsteps approaching her room. He came up to her carrying a single red rose in a bud vase with a beautiful gold ribbon tied around it. Sitting on the edge of the bed beside her, Harm took hold of her left hand in his. “Thank you for agreeing to be my wife.” He flashed that famous flyboy grin of his. His wife! Mac choked inwardly at the thought, she was going to be HIS wife. He’d be her husband. Wow, the reality of it all hit her like a sledge hammer just as she saw Harm’s other hand come out of his pocket and stretch forward. “I didn’t want to give you any time to change your mind.” Harm slipped the emerald cut diamond onto her finger. Looking down at the brilliant stone, Mac couldn’t hold back the tears. She had so many emotions rushing through her. Fear of the children she might never have, loss of a man she briefly considered a future with, hope of a child with Harm’s looks and her brains, anticipation of a life with the only man she’d ever truly loved. Crumbling into Harm’s warm embrace, Mac let the river of tears flow until she had no tears left to cry. Gently stroking her hair as she cried on his shoulder, Harm knew she was finally facing all her pains and fears so they could move on. Wanting to stay enveloped in Harm’s safe embrace, Mac delayed pulling back until her stomach began to protest rather loudly. Chuckling slightly at the rumble, “Actually, that was the other half of my surprise.” Harm smiled at her almost bashfully. “I know you’re dying to get out of this bed.” Harm stood up. Not letting go of her hand, he gestured for her to follow him. The dining room table was set with her best dishes and crystal. The two candles Harm had lit were melted three quarters of the way down. In the center of the table was a lovely centerpiece of fresh flowers. Her eyes glistened with held back tears of joy as she took in the table. When her eyes finally fell upon the place settings, she wasn’t surprised to see a large salad, obviously for Harm, but she let out a loud, from the belly, cackle when she spotted her plate. A bag from Beltway Burgers. Oh, life was about to get very interesting. “You’d better not be making fun of me marine,” Harm teased. Twisting too quickly to turn and face him, Mac grimaced at the pain. Harm’s arms were around her shoulders in a flash. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” His panicked voice trembled. “Sorry, I have to remember not to move so fast.” She smiled trying to ease his concern. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he repeated, not quite as panicked but still obviously worried. “Are you kidding? Diamonds and burgers – what more could a girl ask for?” Chapter 6 Mac’s apartment Following evening. Mac was still moving at a snails pace, but at least she was getting around. She needed to remind herself not to make any hasty movements, but she was thrilled to climb into her tub for a good long soak. Harm had left shortly after dinner. His leave was up, and he had to report to work first thing in the morning. Besides, as uncomfortable as she still was, she really didn’t need a babysitter anymore. Holding her hand in front of her, rolling it gently to catch the light, Mac watched the brilliant reflections bounce off the walls. Her thoughts rapidly ran from the days past events to the possibilities for the future. Mac’s apartment The night before “Do you like it?” Harm had caught Mac looking at the ring once again. “Very much.” Her eyes remained focused on the precious stones as though looking away might allow it all to disappear. “We’re going to have a lot of explaining to do. Any idea how you want to handle it?” Harm had been wondering since dinner how to approach all the practical complications to this new plan of theirs. “I thought you were the one with all the bright ideas today,” she smiled. “Yeah, well, asking you to marry me may have used up my quota of good ideas for the year,” he smiled back. “I suppose we probably need a few answers of our own before we share news with other people.” The smile had slipped away from her face. “Would you rather wait and see if I can get pregnant before we tell anyone?” she asked timidly. Heaving a deep sigh, “No, I’d like to marry you tomorrow before you change your mind.” The look in his eyes told Mac he wasn’t exaggerating. A broad grin swept across her face, the air in her lungs forced out by the swelling of her heart. “Do you want to start trying now, or wait till after the wedding?” Harm asked carefully. “If we’re going to go ahead and get married, it might be nice to be traditional about something,” Mac giggled under her breath. “Except, that poses another problem. Regs don’t seem to object terribly to our being engaged, but you know as well as I do, we can’t work in the same chain of command if we’re married.” Mac kept her eyes locked on Harm’s. “Alright, first things first,” Harm began confidently. “Tomorrow, I’ll start looking at what posts are available for transfer, something that won’t take me away from Washington. Once that is settled, we can set a date for the wedding and start working on junior.” He took hold of her hand in his. “I don’t remember our agreeing on who was going to do the transferring.” Not breaking her gaze, she furrowed her brow. “We didn’t.” Harm flashed his most lethal smile, before humbly continuing. “I suppose, if we’re getting married, I need to practice on making these choices together, huh?” He squeezed her hand tightly. “It just makes sense, with my record of changing designators and voluntary separation, my career can’t get much further. All I need is to do my couple of years and move on.” “My admiral’s mast doesn’t do anything for my record either,” she replied raising an eyebrow. “Still, you’re chief of staff, that means something.” “To whom?” she exclaimed. “Look, maybe we should try a different approach.” She paused to make sure he was paying attention. “Let’s look and see what’s available. Whoever has a viable option available first, that’s who will request a transfer. Then as you said, when that’s settled, we’ll get started on the wedding and a baby. What do you think?” “No taking any job just to beat me out?” He glared at her pointedly. “Best fits only,” she nodded. “Deal,” he agreed. As they had done five years ago on the office steps, the deal was sealed with a handshake. Mac’s bathroom Real time again Still playing with the ring in the light, Mac couldn’t get over how easily they resolved all the issues. If she’d known all it would have taken to save them years of bickering and pain was a ring, she’d have bought the damn thing for herself ages ago. Of course, she’d had a ring years ago and that hadn’t helped. Maybe they had to go through everything to be able to do this now. If she hadn’t loved and lost Dalton, Mic, and Clay, maybe she wouldn’t have been able to accept Harm so easily now. If they hadn’t said so many awful things before, maybe the wonderful things he was saying now would seem more ordinary. Forcing herself to stop psychoanalyzing everything, Mac turned her mind to what they’d decided and what needed to be done. For the first time since her first doctor’s visit, Mac was actually excited about her future. A future with Harm was something she’d given up on long ago. Even after realizing the other night that he would always be there for her, no matter what, she still hadn’t expected more than friendship from him. Of course, she wasn’t all too sure it was more than permanent friendship Harm was offering her, but it sure felt like more than friendship. Once again, she had to shake her mind free of self-analysis. She needed to make plans. Tomorrow she would get on the computer and start searching her transfer options. They had agreed to ease everyone into the idea of their being together, Mac would leave her ring home during the day. At least for a little while. She still had three more days of medical leave. Her first post op visit was scheduled for Wednesday. The doctor would decide if she could return to work or needed more time. This bought her a few days before she’d have to take the ring off. In the meantime, Mac would begin making plans for a small simple wedding so everything would be ready to go when they could set a date. How the timing on all this would work out could prove tricky. Much hinged on what postings were available and what Mac’s next doctor’s appointment revealed. She hoped it wouldn’t be long before they could set the date and get started on a family. It was obvious to both of them the time had come to stop hitting the snooze button. Regardless, the heavy ache that had settled over her heart since Clay died was almost completely gone, overshadowed by the hopes for her future. Harm’s apartment Same time Harm couldn’t wipe the shit-eating grin off his face. Mac may not love him as much as he loves her, but she was going to be his wife and he would do everything in his power to make sure she never regretted it. Whistling about his apartment, getting his uniform ready for tomorrow, Harm reveled in the joy of his new future. He felt a sense of warm delight, a feeling of finally being free. Ironic that making the biggest commitment humanly possible was the thing giving him a greater sense of freedom then he felt in the cockpit at angels 30. He was going to be a husband and a father. A father, Harm stopped dead in his tracks on his way to the bathroom. It suddenly hit him, he and Mac agreed to stop hitting the snooze button on her biological clock. Even though ideally they preferred to marry first, they weren’t going to wait indefinitely for a suitable transfer before trying. Good heavens, he’d barely ever kissed her and now very soon he and she would have to… Oh boy. Sitting down heavily on the bed, his robe in his hand, Harm took a deep calming, breath. If he was nervous, Mac must be beside herself at the prospect of being so intimate with her best friend. Taking another deep breath, Harm stood up resolved. Assuming there was at least one good post available for one of them, he very well may have precious few days before the doctor gives the okay for Mac to be able to start trying for this baby. He was going to make damn sure things weren’t too awkward for her by the time they were ready to...well try. Riding on a new sense of determination, Harm turned in for the night ready to begin the next phase of his life. Chapter 7 Harm’s apartment Monday morning 0630 “You look awfully chipper this morning,” Mattie commented, taking another slice of toast. “Is there any reason I shouldn’t be?” Harm was very good at defusing questions with another question. “This has something to do with all those days you just spent with Mac, doesn’t it?” She took another bite of toast, not really needing an answer. “Yes, but not the way you think. Mac and I are working on a new understanding,” he smiled smugly. “Must be some understanding for a grin like that. You’re sure you didn’t get lucky?” Mattie knew Harm was helping Mac after surgery so it was very unlikely, but she loved teasing him so. “Mathilda Grace,” Harm scolded, putting his coffee down on the counter. “I know, I know. Did you at least tell her you love her?” Mattie took a sip of her juice. “No, not yet.” Harm shuffled a little in place. “Well, what are you waiting for?” Grown ups, they loved to complicate everything. “Finish your breakfast.” Harm put his cup in the sink effectively terminating the discussion. JAG Headquarters Monday “How are you feeling today?” Harm whispered into the phone, turning his back to the door. “Better, now.” Mac couldn’t contain the grin. “What would you like me to pick up for dinner?” he asked keeping his voice low. “I feel like pizza. That okay with you?” Actually, as long as she ate with Harm, she could have cared less what he brought for dinner. “Pizza works for me. See you after work.” He didn’t want to hang up. In only a few days he’d gotten used to having her constantly near him, not having her close now was almost physically painful. “Okay, bye.” Mac spoke softly into the phone, surprised by how much she missed him already. “Bye.” Harm dropped the handset into its place. Mac’s apartment Georgetown Later that evening Harm had made every effort to be a little more physically affectionate with Mac. His goal was to slowly increase her physical comfort level to reduce any potential awkwardness when the time came to try and conceive. He started out kissing her briefly on the lips when he greeted her hello. He sensed Mac tense up immediately but didn’t linger long enough for the tension to take hold. After dinner, he put his hand on the small of her back to guide her into the living room. This was something he did often when they moved about in crowded public places, but never in the privacy of their own homes. It was his habit to always sit in the chair across from her whenever they were in her living room. This time he sat near her on the sofa, but kept enough distance between them so as not to make her uncomfortable. A while later, Harm was in the kitchen making tea when Mac came in to check on him. “You’re really moving much better. I’m amazed what a difference there is from yesterday to today.” Harm smiled pouring the water into the teacups, truly surprised at how quickly she was moving about. “I’m a little surprised too. When I got up this morning, I almost forgot I’d ever been sore.” Mac leaned against the counter a little. “Almost. What did you do?” Harm raised one eyebrow at her before reaching for the sugar. “I jumped up from bed without pushing off with my hands.” Looking away, she grabbed one of the spoons from the counter and began stirring her tea. “Maac. Am I going to have to stay here to keep you from pushing too fast?” Harm sighed, his frustration with her obvious. “No, I was careful the rest of the day.” Mac dropped her eyes to the counter, she wouldn’t admit she missed having him dote on her. Harm picked up his tea and stepped up next to Mac. Putting his arm around her shoulder a moment, he squeezed her gingerly while placing a delicate kiss on the top of her head. “Please be careful,” he whispered into her hair, before returning to the living room. Mac stood still looking at her cup on the counter. She had lost track of how many times Harm had touched her for just a comforting instant that night. Earlier, he stood next to her letting his hand rest on the small of her back while she pulled the pizza slices onto the plates. It was only a brief moment, but she felt the warmth of his touch cover her like a favorite old blanket. Later, when she went to get up to make them some tea, instead of just telling her to stay still and let him make it, Harm reached over and brushed the side of her face with the back of his hand. Softly he whispered, “let me,” before dropping his hand to her lap and patting her knee. Now he had once again, gently caressed her heart before leaving the kitchen. Granted, he technically squeezed her shoulder, but the loving gesture of concern swelled her heart just the same as if he’d reached inside and inflated it like a balloon. “What time is your appointment Wednesday?” Harm called to her making himself comfortable on the sofa. “Mac, do you need something?” Harm frowned with concern when he realized she wasn’t right behind him. “No, sorry.” She picked up her cup and turned around. “I was just lost in thought.” Mac sat next to him on the sofa, a little closer than she had before. “So what time is your appointment?” A wave of excitement rolled over Harm as she sat down next to him, his plan to make her more comfortable seemed to be working already. “Not till three o’clock.” Mac took a sip of her tea. “Good, I’ll pick you up at two, unless you want me to come early and we can have lunch?” Harm let his hand drop on her knee again. “I don’t want you to get further behind on my account.” Mac had to make a conscious effort not to look down at his hand. “Let’s plan for lunch. I’m sure the admiral will let me have the afternoon.” Harm moved his hand, he didn’t want to push too hard. Bethesda Hospital Wednesday afternoon 1445 Pulling the Lexus into the parking lot, Harm walked around to open Mac’s door. He extended his hand to help her out, then placed a quick kiss on her cheek. Dinner Tuesday night had gone much like Monday. Harm appeared at Mac’s door bearing chinese food and a single red rose. Once again, he barely kissed Mac hello or goodbye, but he’d made every effort to make slight physical contact more frequently during the evening. To his surprise, much of it came so naturally, he hadn’t even noticed he was doing it. A few times he had to make himself let go of her hand that he didn’t remember taking hold of. Even though Harm was in uniform, Mac wasn’t, so he felt perfectly at ease walking into the hospital with his hand around her waist. It started out with his hand at the small of her back after she climbed out of the car, but much like other recent gestures, he was surprised to notice instead of letting go, he’d slipped his hand more firmly around her. He’d considered removing it once they had reached the building but Mac didn’t seem the least bit uncomfortable so he opted to leave his hand where it was. When they reached the elevators, Harm slipped his hand away, using it to guide her into the doors. Watching the numbers above the door climb, Mac took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders. “Harm,” she said softly, clearing her throat. “Yeah.” Harm noticed her increased stiffness as they got closer to their destination. “Do you want to…to come with me, inside I mean?” Mac stared at the numbers above the door, too nervous to look at Harm. “I, I don’t know. Do you want me to?” Honestly, Harm hadn’t really thought that far ahead. “I think so.” She closed her eyes, her head still raised. “Yes, if it’s okay with you, I think I’d like my best friend inside with me.” She let out a small sigh and turned to look at Harm. Smiling, he reached for her hand and nodded just as the doors opened. NEXT HOME