Well, I did it. I cried at a chick flick. I suppose it could have been the effects of an emotionally complicated day. Or it was just a good movie... I'm not sure if I should call this a rant or a movie review? I'll try to stay more rantish. I don't want to give anything away to anyone who might actually want to see this movie. It might be my new favorite. But that all depends...on whether it's just as good the second time around. Nightmare Before Christmas is gonna have a run for it's money I think. But I give my selections a fair chance. I shall just have to see the movie again! With friends...or TT. Since she might be the only one up here not upset with me right now. Not that she's even up here... Gosh I wanna go back to Utah right now. I'd only have to deal with minor emotional "dilemmas." And probably less retardness on my part. Yes my part. Perhaps you would like to hear the tale? It begins on a dark night, where a dark man waits for a dark purpose. Not really though. It actually begins with a rainy day...
It always rains when I'm crying. I wrote a paper about that once. A stream of conciousness paper. It got me into a WHOLE lot of trouble. A WHOLE lot...mostly people mad at me. Which is another one of those times I learned to keep my thoughts to myself. Even free from somewhere someone might read it. That's the way my family is though...we keep things to ourselves. See I thought I was really good in comparison. I thought I was much better at realizing if something was wrong and trying to mend the situation. I suppose I thought wrong. Something has been bugging me. Something I never really dealt with. So today...well actually by now it was yesterday...but anywho, I exploded. Just kinda stormed out of a friend's house and walked home. Went home angry. This was definitely a bad thing for all parties. Because I'm sure I hurt some people, and I made a big mess. Not to mention I feel miserable. I hate anger. I'm afraid of it. Even from myself...which is part of the reason I hide it a LOT. I think that's the emotion I hide. It has to do with my fear of confrontation. And even more to do with my fear of anger. I hate anger. I hate it. But...I guess it's impossible to escape. Even Christ got angry. He knocked over a table or two....My dad did that once. In a McDonald's. Long story. And no, I don't want to talk about it. The point is, I don't like what anger does to people. Especially the people I love. So if something upsets me, then I'd rather not talk about it. Avoid confrontation. Avoid anger. Even in myself. I might imagine myself angry and doing what I want to, but I would never really do it. Until today that is. I stormed out, and I even raised my voice a little. I hated myself for it. I shouldn't keep things in like that. I don't want to explode. But I do do it. I get very angry when it does happen. But it doesn't happen often. Once in a very great while. But I can't hide from it. I can't avoid my fear. But I can't really face it. How do you face an emotion? Let people yell at you? Hardly... No...there has to be a way. I just wish I could see it. I wish a lot of things though...I wish I hadn't yelled. I wish I could express things before they turn into explosions. And I wish my mom was here.... Not that she would have all the answers...no one has all the answers. But she would have some of them, and a hug, and maybe some cookies. Or Dairy Queen. They both work really. It's the hug I want most though...More than answers, more than comfort food, more than anger going away. I don't regret my mistakes I made today. Don't get me wrong. I feel bad about them and about people getting hurt, but I don't have regret for making them.. I learned from them. I'm repenting. I'm going to do better. But...I do wish I had a hug... |
