Our Goodbye

In the Days following my daughter's passing, I think I was in shock. I think it was like a self defensive mechanism, to help me get through those long days. In 3 days I had to plan Abigail's funeral while recouperating from having my precious baby. On sunday, the day after her birth, I had to say goodbye to my precious baby girl, and leave her to the care of the hospital. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I tried to take it easy the rest of the day. We went to church, and then caught up on some much needed rest! On Monday, I ran all day long. First to the funeral home to plan Abigail's Goodbye, It was so very hard. The thing I was most concered about, was whether or not, we'd be able to have an open casket. The undertaker didn't think it was going to be possible, because its very hard to keep babies looking what he called "normal".But what he didn't understand was that I didn't care how she looked just as long as I got to see her once more and say goodbye. They said they'd see.That same day, I had also had to shop around for the Perfect dress for Abigail to be burried in. We went to so many department stores and couldn't find anything in premie(she was born 6weeks early). So we ended our search for the day. I also went to pick up my supplies to make my daughters memorial boards for the funeral. I started on it that evening, and worked on it until about midnight. I didn't want to stop then, but my husband made me. I just felt better when I was doing something for Abigail. I don't think anyone understood, except for him. On tuesday morning, I woke up bright and early, to start my search again for my daughters "perfect" dress. This time we decieded to look for her dress at Kids speciality shops. We found baptism dresses, and decieded that we'd probably have to settle for one. We bought one at a overpriced specialty shop, but decied that we(My mother and I) would still look around to see if we could find the "perfect dress".. We looked in the phone book for other speciality shops, and happen to stumble across "BeBe Boutique". My mother did the calling, as it was too hard for me to talk about our situtation. The women was so very kind, She told my mother " You and your daughter come to my store, and I will help you, I've dealt with alot of these situations I promise I will help you find the Perfect dress for your little angel". And She did! She had so many beautiful dress, we couldn't decied, but then we stumbled across a beautiful pale white dress, with beautiful pink flowers on it. It had a matching bonnet. It was perfect! Just what I was looking for!

Then my mother suggested that we should buy a dress for Abigail's olders sister, and we looked and looked, I guess I was really undesisive, as I wasn't really concered about what she would wear. I was too focused on the passing of Abigail. The owner of the store, who was the lady my mother talked with, came out from the back with a dress almost identical to Abigails(expect for it was pale pink instead of white). I feel in love with it immediatly! My heart broke as I thought of the possiblity of dressing my two daugthers alike, as this will be the only time I would get to.With tears streaming down my face, I question my mother as to whether or not she thought people would think it was weird.She reassured me that it didn't matter what other people thought, that I should do what I wanted. And I did, I bought the two dresses with my mothers help, as well as some booties and a blanket for Abby, and some beautiful ballet like shoes to match Maria's dress.

For the rest of the night(tue.) I worked on my memorial boards for Abigails goodbye. I placed pictures and poems on 3 hugs boards. (I was so lucky to have so many people taking pictures of that special day, we ended up with 3 rolls of film, plus my parents digital camera and video camera, and the pictures the hospital took).I worked so hard and long on them. But I believe my work paid off. I only got a picture of one of them up close. I stoped working on them around midnight again. Then I went to bed. I woke up bright and early the next morning, and went to work on the boards for her goodbye. I finished them only hours before her Goodbye. (Here is a picture of one of them, in this it still was not finished)

I then had to get ready.
We arrived a little early to the funeral home, and most of my husbands family was already there. I was a little mad. I wanted some time alone with my daughter and my husband. And I didn't want to have to worry about the people out there, and how much time we were taking. When I entered the room where her goodbye was to take place, I just remember seeing that tiny casket! My heart broke even more, which at this point I didn't think was possible!It was so hard to approach her casket. To see my daughter laying there, in that casket, I can't explain how badly it hurt. No words can. That moment will forever be etched in my heart and soul. Well sadly we didn't get much time with her, because My husbands mother came a knocking on the door. The funeral, what can I say, it was a funeral for my daughter. How could one expect it to go. Lots of crying of course. And lots of huggggs from family and friends. My pastor gave a eulogy, and his wife(such a wonderful lady) sang a beautiful song for us. Sadly, I could not hear most of it though because my other daughter, whom was about a year and a half, was being quite noisy. Something at the end, made me a little uncomfortable though, My pastor invited anyone up there that wanted to say a few words, to do so. Well, a couple people did, My husbands father, brother, and aunt did. Also my pastors wife said some very nice things, I will never ever forget. But no one in my family said anything, which kind of saddened me. I mean, our family is suppse to be sooo close. And no one got up there and said anything, I wasn't looking for them to praise us for our decision in not Killing our daughter(because God knows that was Never an option, and It is not something that should be praised because its just the right and only thing to do) I would've just liked someone to get up there and have said something. How stupid I felt, just sitting there waiting for someone in my family to say SOMETHING! But it never came. And my family is so HUGGGE! My husband has like a total of 10 people in his family, including children. And me, I dunno like over 50!! Oh well, I know they care, and I know they loved Abby(most of them anyway, one of my uncles had said some pretty mean stuff~ "why is everyone so sad about this, they knew she was going to die". and he didn't even come to the wake! but thats ok I understand, people just don't know how truly bad it hurts to lose a child, no matter how long you've had them, or if you knew it was going to happen, Unless they've lost a child. I've forgave him, he may not know it, but I have. I'm sure he doesn't even care, But even so, I did.) After the service was over, everyone came and gave us a hug, and gave their condolences, It was nice. After everyone left, me and my husband stayed in there, and said goodbye to our baby girl. First I gave her a kiss goodbye~

~Then her Daddy did.~

Burying my baby girl, was next to come. The next morning felt like everything had been a dream, and it didn't dawn on me that it wasn't until I arrived at my daughters burial plot and saw that tiny casket sitting on the ground. I freaked out again, crying and crying and crying, I didn't stop crying. I cried through the whole thing. The whole time the pastor was talking and praying, I was crying. I don't remember much of what was said. All I remember is that I wanted to pick up her out of her casket and run. It was so cold, and I just couldn't help but think shes gonna be soooo cold. I just wanted to rescue her. To save her. It was obviously too late for this. So I had to drag myself away from my daughter, then go out to eat with my family. It was so hard, to sit there and talk about superficial things. All I could think about was here I am able to eat all this food on the buffet and my daughter is being put into the ground. I will never ever get to see my daughter again, until I die too. I miss her so much. The pain is so unbearable. Some days are good, some I can hardly stop crying. I just miss her so much. I'm so sensitive now, any little thing makes me cry. Everything little thing reminds me of her. Its so hard to be around newborn babies, it just reminds me that I don't have my sweet Angel Baby! I love my sweet angel, and would give anything to have her here with me. But sometimes part of me wonders if that is being selfish? I mean how could I ask her to stay in such a horrible world. A world where men rape little children, a world that ultimately leads to death, a world full of hate and sadness. Where she is, is the best place she could be~ In HEAVEN, with our Lord and Savoir, Jesus Christ. Where their is no sadness, hate, or any of the other horrible things of this world. My daughter is in Heaven. She is In heaven, and I know she is Happy and Loved. What more could a mother want for her child, then all the happiness and love one could ask for.

I have choosen to view my daughters life with Joy.. I have choosen... To smile because she has lived.

~~I LOVE YOU ABBY~~
~~ANGEL KISSES TO YOU~~
~~MOMMY~~