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| September 2, 2002. How blessed, how loved I am! [ fibula moments ] To say the obvious, life having a cast on is rather different. Or life using only one leg and protecting the other, is quite different. Before my skateboarding accident, every morning, I got up in the morning feeling anxious, thinking there was this place I need to run to, that activity I needed to do, and this person I would meet up. Every morning, I either worried about setting the wrong goals, or puzzled about not being able to finish my goals. I often set quite unrealistic goals, and spent the day ruminating on them, about how hard they are to accomplish, and end up not getting much done. Restless and anxious I was. Which was probably how I end up having the accident - restless in the head, anxious in my actions, the accident happened in a rush. This week has been different, rather pleasantly quiet, restful, peaceful, comfortable. I feel happy, and I feel loved. Ironically, I feel happier, more satisfied, more joyful than I did before my accident. I am in a cast, and I cannot put pressure on my injured foot. That means I move around very slowly. I stayed in my room 90% of the time. Things I used to be able to do so easily, I can't do them without great effort. An example is dropping a piece of paper. Last Thurday evening, Nicole came to my place to visit me. At one moment, there was a small little piece of thing in her hand. And she dropped it. The moment she dropped it, my initial reaction in my head was, "oops! oh no! how are we gonna pick that one up?" Yes, it would be hard for me to pick it up because I cannot bend my body very easily without losing balance. And even if I can bend, I cannot reach that low because of my cast. But within a swift half of a second, Nicole just bent casually and picked it up unaware that she just accompished what would be such a challenge for me. |
| So now, in the morning, when I get up, my goals are simple. Going to the washroom is already one important task. My foot usually hurts a lot when I put it down. I speculate it has to do with blood rushing down to the place of injury, and also having the cast pressing onto it because of gravity. "What do I eat today?" Then I spend some time going to the fridge, and then some time bending myself to get the stuff out of it. Then, "okay, later today I'll go have a shower". Having a real shower is not possible now because using only one leg, I cannot step into a tub. And I cannot get my cast wet so I need to wrap it up with two garbage bags before I do a semi shower using a towel. And I usually backpack everything and make sure I don't need to go back a trip to grab stuff. And one important goal everyday is, "how do I keep my ankle safe and stable so it doesn't hurt?" That takes up a major portion of my day. So I just sit at one place, and keep my foot elevated there for a long time. Yes, life is sort of in slow motion these days. I usually miss phonecalls because I cannot make it to the phone before it stops ringing and forwards to the voicemail system. I need to take my time, and I do that. I think many friends look at me, and they really feel bad for me. They really care for me. I think people think that life really sucks like this. But I think this week, I got the space to breathe. I got the room to rest. Life is pretty laid-back, and I really needed it and I enjoy it. I feel like my summer had jus officially started. This is called "rest". I really thank the Lord for it. I also thank the Lord for love and community. I remember a few minutes right after my accident, my ankle started to hurt very very much, so sore, so weak and so painful that I knew I couldn't walk. |
| During those moments, one of the things I was thinking was what is going to happen, what are people going to say or do to me? I wonder if people would find me so helpless and try to help me all the time. I wonder if I can do anything without the help. I wonder if I would be able to gladly accept the help. Am I not gonna be able to move around for a long time? That means I would have to cancel my G licence driving test two days after my accident. That means I'll need to be in crutches. That means a lot of my plans will be cancelled... Yes they all happened. Within 10 minutes, friends arrived to help. Several came down from the CCF office to see what happened. Already each person had offered their help in different ways. Frank advised me to use a icepack. James went to buy the ice pack. Sue drove me to the hospital. At the hospital James' offered to wheelchair me, enquire the registration desk for me... I asked myself, "should I be all chinese-polite about refusing the help?" "Should I look so sad all the time and all worried about the accident?" After a few moments, I decided, this time I am gonna need help, not very little but a major LOT of help, for a long while. I can refuse, put myself in trouble and be all introvert about. But I also realize, friends and people who offer to help, whether big or small, wanted to help with a kind and open heart. I decided that I can choose to happily accept their help, their love as long as I remember to be grateful and understand that people's help come from their love, their grace, and not because they have to. And I choose to happily accept their help and love. I was just sitting down and thinking what I can share about this past week. This I think is what I have learned. Before if I saw someone with a cast on, a fractured bone inside, I would think that their life probably suck. I think right now some of the people around me probably feel that way for me too. They feel bad for me because they care for me and wish that I can move around healthily and not have to suffer. That's true. However, being the someone in a cast myself, my life is slower, but my life doesn't suck. It's all filled with love! I feel embraced by people who show their love and care for me. I feel very warmed in my heart every time someone decides to pick up the phone, call me up and care about me. I try to understand how kind and giving a friend's heart must be to come over and do my dirty laundry for me. I try to imagine how much hassle it must have cost a friend to drive and buy several dinner box for me to make sure that I don't need to worry about my meals. Truly, everyday, when I wake up, I learnt that I really don't need to worry about what to eat. Everyday, God has provided and arranged someone to kindly and gently come over to my place to take care of me, to help me and be my company. So I sit down, try to remember and write down each single favour each friend has done for me. Here are the highlights and the delightful fibula moments. [ click ] |
| September 7, 2002. 4:13pm How's my foot? I feel it getting better! It doesn't hurt as much in the morning. I feel that it is more solid and less sensitive too! But of course I can't use it yet. Still not able to tidy my desk or move things around. A bit frustrating sometimes. And two days ago, I boomed the fuse of an outlet when I was microwaving and using the kettle at the same time. It's still not fixed. I find it quite in-convenient right now 'cause that means I can't make my lunches in my room. My Dad's coming in two days (Monday) to take care of me. Yeah! Ha... but we're still trying to find him a place to stay! |
| September 11, 2002. Today, many people remember what horrible thing happened a year ago. Today, many people mourn and grieve; they grieve for the lost ones. Today, many people wonder. They wonder why. They wonder what to look ahead to. Today, many fear. Many worry. Many become alert. Today, many gather. They try to figure out solutions. They try to comfort. On the other hand, many others try to cheer. Many others tries to uplift their spirits. Many others try not to look back. Many ... To this day, many still think. Many still react. To all of this today, I would like to respond with a Psalm and prayer taken from the Bible. These words touches me. This is the prayer that I would like to say as I remember this day. And I hope to show the passage so that others can find comfort in God's words as well. |
| Psalm 130 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD; O Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness;therefore, you are feared. I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than the watchmen wait for the morning, more than the watchmen wait for the morning. O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailling love and with him is full redemption. He himself will Israel from all their sins. |
| Sept 30, 2002. Monday + 2:38pm It's been a tough day for me. - i felt like i didn't know what i was talking about in my lab class today and sort of annoyed the professor. - my internet's been down for a few days, and i've been trying and trying. it's still not working. what am i gonna do about my research presentation proposal due on wednesday? - i have called in so many many times today to book a ride at the accessibility service for tomorrow, but i never really got any reply. .... Mondays are usually sort of like this. that's what i try to tell myself. + 4:20pm oh well, glad that at least my internet is finally back again. one less to worry. and kirston at the accessibility service called me back and said my rides should be okay as long as i call to confirm again in the morning tomorrow. okay, fine. things are getting a bit better now. at least i can finally do something with my webpage on the internet and change things around a bit. i am feeling a lil' better. |
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