| . . . . Nothing by Accident . . . . |
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| P O S t - i T N O T E S |
| OF LOVE |
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| [ Post-it Notes ] |
| [ Scribbly Thots ] |
| [ The Moments ] |
| [ UT CCF ] |
| [ Beyond This ] |
| [ Post-it Notes ] |
| [ Scribbly Thots ] |
| [ The Moments ] |
| [ UT CCF ] |
| [ Beyond This ] |
| [ about me ] |
| c t i n ' s p e r s o n a l w e b s i t e since june 2001 |
| [ my Guesbk ] |
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| [ Benchmarks ] |
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| "Jesus said any time you see a bird nibble some seeds you are not watching a random event, you are watching Love himself at work. Watching a bird eat is such an ordinary event that generally we don't even notice. But it's no accident that the food is available. Everytime you wake up, think a thought, enjoy a meal, these are not random occurrences. They are Post-it notes of love that the Father keeps attaching to all creation, in the hopes that someone will read them." John Ortberg, Love Beyond Reason |
| [ on "ICQ" ] |
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| Tuesday, Jan 14, 2003. Intellectually challenged. On tuesday this term, I have three classes: Sociology of Mental Health, Sociology of AIDS, and Abnormal Psychology Ressearch Seminar. Today, the first and the last one individually discussed the very same issue of mental health. Prof. Wheaton questions the way mental health had been conceptualized by the society and clinical practioners. Yet, the articles I have read for the Abnormal Psychology Seminar directly supports itself in the ways clinical practiioners and the society has approached the issue of mental health! I just heard the two opposite ends on an intensely debated issues on the same day. That was quite heavy thinking... i could feel my head spinning throughout. But I like it! |
| Jacqueline & I ... met in first year, prolly casually in the caf surely she smiled, like she still does. with some things, she was anxious. but with the warmth she gave, the cares she put in relationships, she gradually drew me to befriend her. since second year, she trusted me; she asked me to water her plants. she let me lounged around her room on the weekends. when I wronged her, she forgave and accepted my apologies. when I tear, she is concerned. when I laugh, she laughs with me. "Great is thy Faithfulness" is her favouriate hymn. Perhaps, she has tasted God's faithfulness, and then become moulded into a faithful servant of God. sometimes, there are things she doesn't get. we talk, and we pray when there are things I don't get, we talk, and we pray. Jacqueline gives me new perspectives. Jacqueline likes flowers: particularly tulips, and maybe sunflowers? poor me. one time when I was trying to buy her flowers, i misunderstood Chrysanthemums as Sunflowers, and Daisies as Chrysanthemums! Lately, I haven't chatted with her for a long time. same old excuses: school and stress. the two big S's. yet, these are the two things we both go through. Last night, random, I started bouncing ball in her room. then she started pitching it with me, too. |
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| We tossed it and we caught it and we tossed it and we caught it ... while she talked and while she shared. Not only do guys bond during sports, girls do too -- we've just proven! The time was really fun; blessed sisters in Christ we are. Today, when Jacqueline was working her evening shift in the Ivey Library, I just went to bug her again. Data entry, sorting the shelves. "Kinda' boring, eh?" I said. Sure it was! Somehow, I was playing around with my camera again. Naturally, Jacqueline just joined me. I like the call-bell in the library (those ones nurses used to respond to). It's so shiny and cute. So here we were, trying to take a picture of ourselves on this shiny call-bell. Here's the moment captured. Inside it, you see? It's Jacqueline & I. |
| Friday, January 24, 2003. 1:56am |
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| [ about me old ] |
| Tuesday, Jan 28. 2003. Two weeks ago, I said I enjoyed Sociology a lot. Now, I guess I do. But maybe I've enjoyed it too much and passed some type of threshold. It's kinda depressing to hear about all the problems that are going on in our society. Social class, inequality, distress. They stick out in my mind. I was just hanging out with Raissa. I was trying to express how I am really having trouble resolving all that. It's really hard to accept that this world IS so unequal. And then, if I measure my own problems against what I've learned, it makes me think even harder -- sometimes a bit too hard, and worry way too much!! Am I thinking too hard? I don't even know. |
| Wednesday, Feb 12, 2003. Pit Lately, my cheers about "Life is so good... I enjoy life.... Life is so rich..." are all gone. I haven't felt like saying them for several weeks by now. I wonder what happened. Was that some "high" that I was on? So now I have fallen from the hilltop to a pit dark and deep? Tackling with the discrepancies in life is not very easy. When there are conflicts in so many aspects in life, it does wear me down and take my joy and hope away. My days have been some dramatic rises and falls, rich and then empty moments. For a long while, I put my trust in my own "performance". I felt so disturbed and distressed when I cannot live up to what I thought I should be able to do. I wanted to prove myself right and good. This happens in school. This happens in ministry. First year, I tried to live up to an "A" because I wanted to get into clinical psychology after undergrad. Second year, I decided straight A's are not that possible at U of T, so I tried to live up to a "B". Third year, it was actually very hard to get a B in 300 level courses. Anyhow, now I am in fourth year; a "C" is even hard to live up to. Living up to something is so painful. This is not exclusively about school. This involves my role as a daughter, as a friend of my friends, a Christian, a committee member at CCF. All this time, I have produced an image of what I am supposed to look like. But one day, when I look deep in, it's not like that -- It's not the person I try to look like. I am not there yet. And perhaps I don't need to make it my goal to be like that. If I do not know how many missionary trips Paul had made in his life time, I do not need to "look" like I have a strong biblical foundation. If I do not feel comfortable talking to a person, I do not need to think that I need to "look" like I am this caring person. There is a myth or impression that working adults suffer the most because they have a job to be burdened by. There is little truth to that. In fact, in sociological studies, the curve of suicidal rates looks like a U shape across the ages from young to old. It is the lowest on average at age 42-45 in the population. And so distress is actually highest among the young adults in their 20s and also older adults rising from 50s to the highest in 70s and up. I am just around the age at the start of the U. I wonder if that is why I am feeling so distressed lately. Perhaps, it is the uncertainty at this age that plague young people. Perhaps, it is the negotiation of independence and intimacy that trouble young people. I wonder what it is. Pondering on all of these things, I have tried to be more honest with myself lately. I am tired of that discrepancy. If I can't, I just want to say "I can't". Come on! I'll just look bad sometimes. Looking bad is all right -- at least that's what I am trying to remind myself. When does God's grace come in? God's grace is my theme lately. I would rather be aware that there is always a flaw in me, there is always a void in my heart, and there is something missing -- that's when I allow God's grace to come in. I want God's grace all the time. I do not want to claim or make myself believe I am this inherently cool person any longer. I would rather want His grace, not the cheap kind, but the expensive, tremendous, pouring, fulfilling and abundant kind. There were instances when I felt so worthless, so broken, so not in sync with God, so lazy in my Bible-reading, so breaking in my promises to pray for people, so dirty in my words, so chaotic in the meditations of my heart. Just when I was so low and undeserving, my sister Adriana came and told me on the phone that she is studying Genesis, Psalms, Job, and the Gospels at school and she wants to come to church with me. What exciting news! Meanwhile, a girl who I want to tell the Gospel to cam at her own time to open up with me about her struggles, problems and sadness in life. I could not believe amazing things can happen when my state of being is so broken. I cannot claim any credit in all of these things. I could not reconcile my brokenness with these good things. I could not make sense out of that discrepancy. What a contrast! But that is the grace of God. When I have nothing to offer, when I have nothing to claim, He does something powerful. All the glory goes back to Him, yet His strength is perfected in my weaknesses. He also used these good things to remind me of His love when I see no remedy inside my heart. I think that this only happens when I am broken. But this is reality. Me and God. It is ALWAYS a contrast. Even when I feel good, though I forget, I am still with flaws, and in need of God's help. In life, it would be better for me to be honest about my lack, my insufficiencies, so as to accept and experience God's grace, than to feel good and mighty about myself all the time, a feeling that fluctuates. It's not about what "I" am or what "I" can do, but it's about living on God's grace alone -- what GOD can do, how deeply GOD can love, how important it is that GOD is glorified and revealed in all our lives. C.T. |