| Nov 1, 2002. Embracing Pain, a reflection upon The SHOCK magazine came out the right time, at least for me and for God to speak to me through it. It came out last friday evening at at time when I came to honestly and bluntly realize a weakness, a sin, a darker side of me that is so capable of hurting myself and others. I admitted it to myself, and to my dear friend, and afterwards, to be in my quiet room by myself alone again was painful. it was. So often i would pick up the phone, try to call up a friend to talk about it, hoping to get rid of that disturbing, troubling, unsettling feeling in my heart. this time, i felt there was too much to explain, too shameful to elaborate. lazy i was, i pushed myself a little more to pick up the SHOCK magazine on my desk to read. the words as quoted above touched me. it convinced me it was a good time and good thing for me not to call a friend up. instead of doing something to alleviate that disturbing pang inside, i tried to feel it, to remember it. i described to myself and explain to myself how it came about. then i confessed my sin and weakness to God. I wanted to accept and embrace this pain inside me and allow it to stay with me for a little while longer. And I prayed to God that before I forget and leave this pain in the near future, i will have well remembered, known and be committed to the lesson i have learned from it. |
| Nov 2, 2002. on my mind this whole week looking back onto this past week, i have still been thinking about pain. my own pain from a week and half before is still there slightly and quietly. as it gently fades, new pains come. pain seems to come no longer from school work or stuff that i have to do. at least not in the sharpest kind. hurtful pangs comes more from interactions and relationships with other people. as subtle as a look of a face in reaction to a conversation... pain so often comes when i feel misunderstood or if i feel my trust in someone is not sincerely treated. i reflected more. there is so much pain to feel in every moment that i am convinced if i hope for a moment to be completely free of it -- that hope is simply wishful. this past week, i didn't fight it. i allowed pain to stay with me. i allowed it to be part of me, and accepted it as a valid way of experience. i expect it to come into my life, though at different times, dressed in various costumes and as fluctuating currents. maybe i'll let it stay with me as a shadow, if not a highlight, essential to an abundant and truthful Christ-living way of life. |
| | "We may be unlovely, yet we are not unloved... We are most | used to a type of love that looks for someone or something of | great worth... [But] There is such a love, a love that creates | value in what is loved. There is a love that turns rag dolls in | priceless treasures." | John Ortberg in Love Beyond Reason |
| "We are all of us rag dolls. Flawed and wounded, broken and bent... Like a splash of ink in a glass of water, this raggedness permeates our whole being. Our words and thoughts are never entirely free of it. We are rag dolls, all right. But we are God's rag dolls." John Ortberg in Love Beyond Reason |
| Nov 6, 2002. I almost forgot about simple pleasures such as a nice steamy plate of delicious noodles with mixed veggie and shrimps in a tasty sauce cooked right there for me at the caf ... as i have been drowned in my pile of application forms, research papers, ccf things, friendship issues, getting sick, feeling tired, feeling lonely, feeling troubled ... |
| Saturday, Nov 9, 2002. Watched the movie "The Matrix" for the first time in my whole life. i know, i am so behind, passe, you're gonna say? - well, anyways, for someone like me who can count the number of movies i've seen all my life... (i am serious.) . i liked it. I was speechless coming out of it, so much. it was a lot. somethings in it, i've thought about. the movie intricately made them into a form - amazingly intertwined. one day i'll watch it again. |
| Nove mb er 2002 |