| . I N T R I C A T ' s . . |
| Mar 12, 2003. M y P l e a t o G o d f o r L o v e "God, I want love. I want to be loved. I want to be fully, completely and totally loved without reserve. "But (the truth is) if anyone ever discovers the person I truly am, no one would ever want me, no one would ever want to love me! "No one can take me if they completely see the person I really am, God!! No one. No one is perfect. No one can fully love themselves or like themselves [when they look deep in and are totally and completely honest with themselves]. Therefore, they cannot fully and completely love me, because they are needy themselves. They have wounded ugly and wretched parts deep inside them that they cannot even show others, and wounded ugly and wretched parts they hate themselves for. Therefore they cannot fully and completely love themselves either. "God is the one who can take me in totally and completely because God can totally love himself because he can totally like himself. He doesn't have anything in himself that he needs to hate himself for. Therefore when he sees through complete person the thing, the wretched thing, I really am, he can love me, take me and love me and take me and love me completely, fully and totally. "God wants to love me because he is perfect. Because he is so perfect, he has all the space, all the capacity, all the natural tendency to reach out and love me the poor ugly wretched broken wounded fallen person I really am. "God loves me totally and completely just as I am [ without one plea ]." |
| This prayer was written or typed [more precisely] in tears as I was sitting in my room, facing with the truth that there are some things I have done in my life that I regret having done them. I was angry, but don't know at what. Then later, I realized I was angry at myself. Yet all night, all I was thinking in my head was I wanted love. [Doesn't everyone? Isn't that the utmost and deepest longing in all of human hearts? We all want it, but where do we get it?] I wanted love but I couldn't get it. I wanted love but wasn't sure who would give it to me. I thought of a few people who I was close friends with to ask them for love. [In my mind, love is a stretching of two arms holding me tightly without letting go though I am too weak to hold myself up onto it. Love is staying with me through I am obnoxiously bothered, troubled and have to talk non-sense sometimes to express my fears, my angers and distress. Love is supposed to be without fear of losing that love.] But a fear plagued me -- the fear that if I am going to show totally, fully and truly the person I really am, they are not going to want me, they are not going to listen to me, they are not going to be there for me, they are not going to reach out their arms for me. That is probably true. No one has ever seen the real person I really am. If one day they were to discover that completely, that would be how they'll react because though they can love me, but they cannot love me completely. No one on earth can - and I'll take my own word for it. As I was still crying with tears streaming out difficultly, it hurt. That moment really hurt. It is painful to hate yourself. I was literally crying out to God saying that no one can love me or take me if they have discover completely the person I really am inside. I said that to tell God of my fear. It was when my heart was still aching that something came to my awareness and start to accept it -- no one can love me if they know exactly how I am. No one on earth can, and that's true. Then, where do I get my love in total amount as needed? Is that where God comes in? But I asked if people can't, how can God? It is then when I started to see that it is because God doesn't have anything to hate himself for because he is so perfect that he can perfectly love me and each one of us. When he doesn't have a flaw to be burdened by, when he doesn't have a dark spot to hold a grudge against himself for, he can love anyone who has many many and countless flaws. A hymn that was mentioned in the sermon last Sunday at church came to my mind, perhaps, for God to assure me with: Just as I am. God takes me Just As I Am, Without One Plea. I do not need to plea any more. God loves me and takes me just as I am. CT |