| A p r i l 4 , 2 0 0 3 . G r a d D i n n e r ! Pictures coming up. Too busy to upload them yet. Sharing? I already did a lot at the dinner! An aside ... check this out - r e : g e n e r a t o r . c o m The April issue just came out. |
| A p r i l 5 , 2 0 0 3 . I n c r e d i b l e S i g h t ! My room is clean! All day, I was doing housekeeping stuff! Makes me feel so organized. 1) I vaccuumed my room! -- no more dustballs under my feet, or under my bed. there's a clear path when things are moved to the sides. ha, make way! what an incredible sight! 2) I did my laundry! -- wow, two heavy loads. i was pushing it a bit by stuffing all of them in only two machines. it took 4 rounds to dry them all up! 3) I finalized my income tax return! -- the tedious and boring calculations were done weeks back. i checked for mistakes, and now ready to be mailed. i should get a nice few hundreds bucks back! Before I am officially out to work and earn a living, it feels great to be able to take care of myself in the little things in life! then i voluntarily added the fourth housekeeping item often unchecked on my list: 4) get some sleep! z z z z zz Z Z Z Z Z |
| A p r i l 6 , 2 0 0 3 . I s i t f o r m e ? Again, I am confronted with the pain right in between - wanting to get it done so badly yet feeling helpless and clueless how to write or even start the paper. Psychometrics this class I've been struggling with -- I just failed the second midterm. (44/100) Quite saddening to get my test paper back. I predicted it; yet I reflected why I failed. I remember studying for it was a torture; I was very sad and troubled by other things as well. I could not make myself interested in the technical and the statistical. I wondered if I have picked the wrong course -- if I should have dropped it. Whenever I stumble academically, I wonder if I have picked the wrong thing. More and more lately, I realize I am not that much of a logical person. I've done a Study of Values and scored the lowest on "Theoretical" measure. I was surprised -- a bit disappointed to know that perhaps I really am not that intellectual as I think I am. The test seems to show that I am more "Social" and "Political" in my values. Then I start to observe that I might be more of a feeling / expressive person than a thinking person. I wonder if I should have gone into humanities instead since the start. But I remember, though I love thinking artsies, I was never good at English literature. That deterred me from it. This struggle to know about myself grow stronger when I feel defeated in writing my papers. This struggle affects whether I would consider applying to grad school in the future. This struggle makes me wonder if I really know myself well. I sense that everyone kinda goes through these thoughts. I thought one can't just tell herself to persevere and stick with something hard without a reason. I think perseverance always carries a valid reason, motivation, and a passion behind it. Am I not persevering enough? Or have I not found the right thing yet? Psychology's not for me; I just found out this year. Is sociology for me? Would social work be much more social and suitable for me? It's becoming harder and harder to envision what I'll be doing ten years down the road. Admission into professional schools seems to mean the world to me. It's so scary to see its power on students' anxiety. Sometimes, I feel like a people-person; sometimes, I'd rather retreat and read on my own. Sometimes, I feel so emotional and attached to people and want to impact their lives; other times, I'd rather be intellectual and write a book. Sometimes, I like to public-speak; other times, I'd rather be the cameraman, and capture the big picture. So fragmented, and so varied. Why do I even find myself unpredictable? I feel so troubled. Prolly feel less troubled when I got my papers got done. Thanks to my emotions, once again! (I am being sarcastic.) |
| A p r i l 7 , 2 0 0 3 . G o t t h e l e t t e r Got the letter. Here's what it says: "Dear Ms. Tin: With regret, this is to advice you that the Admissions Committee has not recommended acceptance of your application to the two years Master of Social Work program for September 2003 ... |
| A p r i l 9 , 2 0 0 3 . R a n - D u m p l i n g s (I saw three students at the caf holding vanilla ice-cream cones in their hands smiling.) "I want to have ice-cream!! hm... " ~ 6:57pm Had that impulsive thought in my head... but didn't really do it 'cause somehow I felt that I didn't want to get a cough from eating cold stuff. "The melted snow became sooo slushy ... but it's still very clean". Few days ago, the icy-snow felt so stubborn [like me] when I was trying to walk on it..." ~ 3:05pm "RN is flying back to Kenora today...." and will be gone for a few months... ~ 11:00am "Jay just icq-ed me. She said she misses me, and she cyber-smiled for me [like this] : } " ~ 4:10pm "I've got a 15page+ final due tomorrow at 9. I'd better get started on it ASAP!!" ~ since 5:30pm "What's my dream? ... maybe I want to be a writer someday..." Then I woke up from my (half-nap) + (half-daydream). ~ 6:01pm |
| A p r i l 1 0 , 2 0 0 3 . M i r a c l e s d o h a p p e n ! Started around 9:30pm last night with on a paper in "frozen" form - meaning blank page, nothing written. The paper was due at 9am the next morning. Around 1am, I felt like my research was not going anywhere. But looking more closely, "Whoa! No! This article is so useful! That's progress, what da ya mean?!" Straight, writting without much of a break until I started checking grammar around 7:30am. Yes, I pulled an allnighter - just for this last assignment in my entire undergrad career! Computer suddenly died down around 8:15am. When I turned it back on, there was no trace of that file, nothing "recovered" even on Word. Must be 'cause I never took a break or closed that file for the whole night. But then, grateful that the file was saved on my back-up harddrive just 1second, seriously, one second right before that. So I opened the file from the back-up, and thought "Phew!"... Printing it reverse, from page 18 to page 7. Suddenly on page 6, it ran out of ink! That was 8:30am, 1/2 hour before the paper's due. When I went brushing my teeth, I asked a girl in the washroom. She helped me print it out on her laser printer. Thanks! Hot off the press, I said with a smile! Miracles DO happen! And God makes them do! |
| A p r i l 1 1 , 2 0 0 3 . S e q u e l t o A p r i l 7 Screaming forcefully but just under the top of my head pushing against the boundaries of my skull: What's next, GOD!!? What's next? What's in for me? What am I gonna do now? Tell me, God. What am I for? What's the point? Where am I going from here? Tell me? Where's my passion? Where does it lie? How? How do I get there? Give me some light! Rest becomes valuable only when labour is required. Labour becomes meaningful only when a purpose is known. Once a pastor at the Covenant Church said, "Lonely are not the people who don't have friends. Lonely are people who do not have a sense of direction, who do not know where they are going when everyone else around them does." How easily I have become tired and bored of my 24 hours' break since the time I had handed in my last assignment in my entire undergraduate career. Suddenly, that loss of a sense of direction and a clear purpose. [No M.S.W. for this year.] Tomorrow means nothing is concrete. Not knowing where one functions and fits into the next scene in a play is like a heart, without any veins to it, keeps bumping and bumping, losing control over where the blood is flying -- so the blood is nastily flying about every where! Call this the image of "disheartening" . |
| A p r i l 1 3 , 2 0 0 3 . J K ' s S o n g f o r G o d In her despair, weariness and disappointment, Jacqueline wrote a song for God this past week. She said it was a very typical tune. But when I listened to it, I wanted to hear it again and again. It moved me. And the words of the song certainly touched Heather, a housemate of ours, to tears. English Translation: It's only You, who's here beside me waiting to comfort me a broken soul. It's still You, who guides me in times of difficulty and turbulence, and gives me hope. It's only You, who has gone through the pain, the humiliation and persecution, to win redemption for me an undeserving sinner. It's only You, who is in Heaven attentively preparing the best home for me to live in. Chorus: Oh God, in my life I will live only for You to proclaim Your love. Oh God, in my life I will live only to fulfill Your will and Your purposes. Today, I am weary; I am disappointed. But tightly I hold onto your promises; tightly I grasp onto Your grace, and Your love. How expressive, how honest, how truthful a song that is. God must be pleased to hear those earnest cries from the bottom of her heart. |
| A p r i l 1 4 , 2 0 0 3 . T h e W a i t Utterly nervous over the past weekend. Running around on Saturday looking for a house to live in during the summer... Whether it be waiting for a clear area of interest to go to school, or a clear career direction -- something I'll spend 1/3 of hours on in the next 10-15 years; or waiting for a reply on a job application, an international internship opportunity -- a short term working opportunity, or waiting for a dream -- a clearly focused and passion-driven goal to accomplish; or waiting for a spouse -- someone special to spend the rest of my life with ... On Sunday during sermon, though I was mostly too fidgetty to listen fully well, I knew it was written and spoken for me, if not only me, specifically for this moment and time in my life. It was about all the different "waits" in life. Personally, they have become my heavy "weights" in life. The pastor was talking on the "New Hope" in Romans 8:18-30. If I cannot remember everything else Rev Kev said, I am pondering upon this one he had repeated: "What God is doing in us while we are waiting is at least as important as what we are waiting for. Again, what God is doing in us while we are waiting is at least as important as what we are waiting for." |
| A p r i l 1 7 , 2 0 0 3 . M a u n d y T h u r s d a y Maundy Thursday is observed to commemorate Jesus' Last Supper with his disciples. It was the time he washed his disciples' feet to give, as the Lord and Teacher, an example for his disciples to follow. How precious it is for Christ to have died for me a broken and wretched thing! I hope to find even closer relevance in the history of Christ's death to my own personal life and walk with God. I want to immerse myself into it. I often wonder, why has He done it this way? What has it meant for Him to be silent when he was accused and humiliated that day? What has it meant for Him to be abandoned by His most intimate friends on earth who were sleeping even during His saddest and troubled moments of prayer before His predicted death? How did he feel? What went through his head? And why has He done it for me? Christine, a mentor and friend, who's a tutor-teacher for elementary school kids in Hong Kong, sent me a simple Dayspring e-card to remind me of "one blessing after another" [we receive] BECAUSE HE LIVES (John 1:16). That e-card, though short and simple, meant a whole lot to me. She gave me a little wake-up a call -- How easily one can become very troubled when she allows the battles in life to paint over and drown all the joys and simple pleasures in her life ! Example of simple pleasures: eating teriyaki salmon and veggie tempura and chilling silly talks and doing goofy [who-cares] faces and behaviours with several youthful CCF peeps in a sushi place. Nothing's really significant or impactful on the rest of my life right there. But who cares? They are moments and seconds to enjoy and smile for just because ! Cat says (to Intricat): Do you know how to celebrate and enjoy life? |
| A p r i l 2 0 , 2 0 0 3 . E a s t e r S u n d a y At worship service today Pastoral Staff said: CHRIST IS RISEN ! As a church tradition, Congregation responds: CHRIST IS RISEN, INDEED ! Moments of joy and assurance shared with Loretta, singing: Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fear is gone. Because I know He holds the future. And life is worth the living just because He lives. Surprised and joyous to receive a long-distance message (1:00pm) of celebration from my sister Adriana who's currently in Middlebury, Connecticut, US: Oops, sorry, you're probably at church. Hope your phone didn't ring. Just wanted to say HAPPY EASTER! ... Happy Easter! ... |
| A p r i l 2 1 , 2 0 0 3 . I m a g e s o f A n x i e t y Just about this time last year, I went to Woodsworth College's K r u g e r H a l l to take pictures of the exam room I'd be writing my exam. Today, I was writing a final exam. I just remembered that time last year. The impulse to take pictures of all the faces of the students trapped in the room with me came up to me just minutes before my Psychometrics exam started. All that time, of course I tried so hard, [or lemme say] my best, to put the idea aside and deal with it after. Haha... so after the exam, I told Liana, a girl who's an exchange student from Hong Kong and who's in my class, that I am going to take pictures of people in exams! She laughed and said, "haha, it's so high school..." Hm... maybe that's what I missed in high school - that rebellious thrill or spontaneity a teenager's supposed to want! Well, whatever. I always have the most valid reason to for me take pictures! So I went to B e n s o n B l g . and Wetmore Hall just to capture of some anxious faces of students. I knew what to say If they asked me what I was doing. And they did ask me; so I'll said to the proctor, "Sorry, I am writing about student life at U of T and just need to take some pictures..." Oh well, I am that silly and weird sometimes. |
| A p r i l 2 4 , 2 0 0 3 . H a n d l e b a r Lots of housekeeping stuff lately: money, mileages, booking flights, income tax, mailing in and out, finding a summer sublet, renting it, planning to move in and out. Starting to feel grateful for my beautifully spread-out exam schedule: April 21, April 29, May 7. When 6-7 jam-packed post-it-notes reminding about various miscellaneous things I've gotta take care of, I just have to bite the bullet and do them. But at the end of it, I felt like a responsible person. It's great to feel like I am "on top of it"! Well sometimes, as it gets a little bit too tough and overwhelming, I also say this prayer (on a card Vicky gave me for my baptism two years ago): Lord, help me to remember that nothing is going to happen today that You and I together can't handle. And I have extended the prayer to make it even more relevant for myself. Lord, help me to remember that nothing, including (list), is going to happen today, tomorrow, in the coming couple weeks, and in the coming several months that You and I together can't handle. And the Lord strengthens me. |
| A p r i l 2 7 , 2 0 0 3 . L i f e - c h a n g i n g V e r s e s Tonight, I read and grasped a couple verses in the Bible that could have life-changing meanings and impact on my life in regards to my personality and character development, which greatly involves my emotion-management. Paul was writing to the Corinthians: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweights them all". ~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-17. A n E x i s t e n t i a l C r i s i s I debated with FH on the phone over what can be recently a so-called existential crisis of mine. There's an idea that one always has a choice to react positively to any life circumstances. I questioned that, and asked if there really is such a choice for everyone. What if I am a victim of some past experiences or consequences? What about those who have been through unfortunate lives such as children growing up in poor countries? I sensed that there was a reluctance or refusal inside me to accept that proposition. Then FH first made an assumption -- let's say that no God is existent. One still needs to live a life as a human. In this God-less condition, given two narratives to write in life, a good and positive one versus a bad and negative one, wouldn't one want to write a good and positive narrative? So now, coming back to our lives being a Christian. We know God in our lives. FH said, don't you think that it is not a very God-fearing statement to say and see that your life is that of a victim? I asked how is that not a very God-fearing statement. FH answered, well, this is not very God-fearing in light of God's mercy and grace, and in His saying that everyone in Christ is a new creation, the old one has gone, the new one has come (2 Cor. 5:17). You sometimes wish life can be a bit smoother. But in a rugged life itself, isn't it a blessing from God on its own? Nothing in life happens by coincidence. (I re-pondered in my head, nothing in life happens by coincidence.) I tried to infer from that; that means in everything that happens in life, God has a purpose and meaning for it, and for my own life. [Is that what people often mean by the will of God?] So in the reality and understanding of God's new abundant grace, hope and life in Christ, if we are given a choice between working hard to write a poor and negative narrative versus a positive and good narrative, wouldn't we want to choose to write the good and positive one? Or in the practical sense, would'nt we want to choose to react and respond positively to whatever circumstances that happens in the current moment? |
| A p r i l 2 8 , 2 0 0 3 . Nicole with me. She saved me some seats. Studying Reading Thinking Learning @ G e r s t e i n ' s M o r r i s o n P a v i l l i o n |
| . I N T R I C A T ' s . . |