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| AL-ley Cat! |
| This little beauty is known as the North American AL-ley Cat, as famous for its handsome face as it is for its lusterous coat of fur. Although the AL-ley Cat supplies fertilizer only for potato farmers in Southern Idaho he is still pound for pound the one of the best cat poop producers in the world. This may not be the best picture of the AL-ley Cat to show you because, as you could probably already tell from the goofy look on its face, the AL-ley Cat is sitting in a big field of catnip ...and loving every minute of it. Hey, AL-ley Cat, just say no, man! |
| So anyway, this is Goliath's big rival. He could probably overtake Goliath as the world's foremost cat poop producer ...if he would only get off the catnip! You are just throwing your life away, man! If I had your potential I wouldn't be sitting here wasting my life as a computer programmer, man! I'd be out there squatting in some potato field, dropping the kids off at the pool, if you know what I'm saying. Man, that would be the life! But, no, you're just content to let Goliath have all the glory while you just barely squeak by (no pun intended) making potato food in Southern Idaho. Where is Southern Idaho anyway? I've heard of Idaho and North Dakota and South Carolina but what is this Southern Idaho business? Is it over by West Virginia? Man, you don't even know where you are! Get off that catnip! |
| Besides being the fertilizer king of Southern Idaho (whatever!) AL-ley Cat also writes a nationally syndicated advice column for the National Press Syndicate. As you know, you won't find more fertilizer anywhere else besides a potato field than a nationally syndicated advice column. So AL-ley Cat is in his natural element. Here is an excerpt from a recent column: |
| Readers ask AL-ley Cat Some More Dumb Questions. Dear AL-ley Cat, I am having some problems with my father-in-law's fiance'. I was on very good terms with "Libby," my husband's mother. We shared a lot of the same interests and really hit it off right after I first met her. My husband and I have been married for seven years and his parents have been married for twenty-five. About a year ago, out of the blue, Libby's husband, "Gordon" had some sort of a mid-life crisis or something. He quit his lucrative, high-paying job, bought a Rolls Royce, and started dating some divorce'e that calls herself "Fergie, the Dutchess of York." Can you imagine the audacity of giving yourself a title like that? Anyway, their wedding is next month here in England and "The Dutchess" has sweet-talked my youngest daughter into being their flower girl and my husband's mother wasn't even invited to the wedding. I know that this is breaking her heart. My youngest daughter is Libby's favorite grandchild and I just can't help feeling like we are backstabbing her. Should we simply not show up for the wedding? I am very tempted to do that but I don't want my husband and his father to be on bad terms. What should I do? I'm at the end of my rope. Sign me "Bamboozled in Britain." Dear Bamboozled, It's very obvious that you are at the end of your rope, you're writing to a half-man, half-cat that you have never even met, asking for advice. Don't feel bad about it, though. It happens more often than you think. Well, your future new mother-in-law does sound like a vindictive witch. However, I do have a few suggestions to help you solve your problem without hurting anyone's feelings. First of all, you should shed on Fergie's throne. Next, invite her to some afternoon tea to talk things over. Before you serve Fergie her tea, cough up a furball into it but be sure to do it when she is not looking. If it floats to the top push it down into the cup with your paw. After she drinks down the furball and hacks it back up, act surprised. You should say something like, "Oh, however did that get in there?" Nothing resovles conflicts like passive-aggressive behavior, that's what I always say. Lastly, let all the air out of the tires of Gordon's Rolls Royce. You know, in my neighborhood, there's this guy that has a Rolls Royce but it is very old and can barely run at all. The fellas and I call it a Rolls Canhardly because it rolls down one hill and can hardly get up the next. Yuck! Yuck! But I digress. If all that fails I would scare her away from your father-in-law by revealing that you are a half-cat, half-human that talks. That scares most of the people that I know. If you are not a talking half-cat, half-human,I ain't got nothin' for ya. Ciao. Dear AL-ley Cat, I read recently that you have a job on the side where you supply "fertilizer" for potato farmers in Southern Idaho. Where is that? Over by West Virginia? Anyway, my question to you is, isn't that dangerous? I mean, I know that cat poop can sometimes contain toxoplasma gondii which are pathogenic sporozoans that are potentially harmful to pregnant women and people with compromised immune systems. Wouldn't that affect the potatos somehow; make them poisonous? How do you justify what you do? Sign me "Grossed out in Grosse Pointe." Dear Grossed Out, You bring up some very good points. Would you like to discuss them over afternoon tea? I'll expect you on Friday. |
| So, that's the AL-ley Cat. But even he has a rival that is hot on his trail to overtake him as the number two cat poop producer in the world. To see a picture of this beast and to see a copy of a poster that was circulated in various locations around Boise, CLICK HERE. |
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