Hgeocities.com/catiecat11/In_A_State_of_Madness.htmlgeocities.com/catiecat11/In_A_State_of_Madness.htmldelayedxpJtOKtext/html@LAtb.HSat, 19 Jul 2003 21:06:31 GMTMozilla/4.5 (compatible; HTTrack 3.0x; Windows 98)en, *pJt In_A_State_of_Madness
In A State of Madness
by Trapp
Regular Cast: Hawkeye Pierce, Trapper McIntyre, Margaret Houlihan, Henry Blake, Frank Burns, Father Mulcahy, Maxwell Klinger, Radar O'Reilly
Guests (some were taken from Catch-22, but have no other resemblance except the name): Colonel Flagg, Colonel Irving Washington, Lt. Col. Major, Sergeant Snowden, Major Salgin
This story takes place somewhere after season two and before season four. It is kind of like "A Smattering of Intelligence" so you might get confused. Enjoy! If you have any comments e-mail me at: trapp_kling@yahoo.com
"Colonel, there's a man, that's in your office, that wants to see you, sir," said Radar.
"Then send him in," said Henry.
"He's in here sir," said Radar. A rather tall man with a pair of sunglasses on stood in front of Henry's desk.
"Hi there, what can I do for you, uhh, what was your name? I missed it," said Henry as he leaned back in his chair.
"No one told you my name. If I told you my name was Irving I would break every one of your toes," said the man.
"Jeez, you're serious, aren't you, Irving?" said Henry.
"I'm not Irving, I'm Washington," said the man. He took off his sunglasses.
"Jeepers, Washington, can't you just have one name? You're like that Colonel Flagg nut," said Henry as he tipped over in his chair and crashed on the ground. "I'm okay."
"Flagg, you say. What is Sam doing here?" asked the man.
"Oh, owww, he isn't here. Not that I know of, anyways. He could be under my desk for all I know. The last time I saw him was about five weeks back," said Henry as he picked himself up from off the floor.
"Good, no Flagg. Colonel write this down, no, memorize it, no, with your brains you had better write it down," said the man.
"Hey, owww, what kind of guy are you? Radar will you get me a glass of..." said Henry.
"Scotch," said Radar as he handed Henry an already filled glass.
"Thanks, Radar," said Henry. "Whoa, that is some tongue-curling scotch!"
"Right Colonel, number one, everyone here is one surveillance. There are cameras everywhere so watch what you're doing," said the man.
"Isn't that a little..." said Henry.
"Number two! No other intelligence personnel are allowed in," said the man.
"No Flagg, got it," said Henry.
"Number three, my name is Colonel Irving Washington. I was here, but now I'm not and you can call me Captain Laramie, cook," said Colonel Washington.
"Colonel Washington, I mean, Colonel Irving, no that's not right either, what was your other name? Okay, Mr. Intelligence, do you even know how to cook?" asked Henry as he wrote down everything Colonel Washington said. Radar listened to the conversation outside the door with a stethoscope like usual.
"Well, after tasting your food here, I think I'll do just fine. You might even want to hire me," said Colonel Washington.
"Hey, you're probably right. You're pretty funny for an intelligence guy," said Henry.
"I'm not funny," said Colonel Washington.
"Right, where are you from and why are you here. I mean, you Intelligence guys just don't show up for no reason. What is it, did we operate on a Communist? Did we donate money to a group of South Koreans that you don't approve of? Oh, it's probably that new batch of penicillin we got. Last time Flagg was here he tried to lift our penicillin," said Henry.
"Well, I'm with the CIA, but tell everyone I'm with the CID, and I'm not Russian. I'm here to investigate some patient of yours and I can't tell you who because it is top secret and there will be consequences if I do. You have penicillin, huh? Big market for that in the black market, but I don't know a thing about that," said Colonel Washington. "Also, I'm stuck here for a bit with a busted rib. My helicopter crashed and my jeep self-combusted."
"How convenient, of all the places in Korea you just had to end up here. Radar! Bring me another drink," said Henry.
"I will blend into the surroundings. Don't tell your people that Colonel Washington is here. In fact, he was never here, remember that," said Colonel Washington.
"I got lost somewhere between penicillin and crash. You are too dang confusing Colonel Whatsyourface," said Henry.
"Did you get all of that?" asked Colonel Washington.
"Whatever made sense," said Henry.
"Good, now burn it," said Colonel Washington.
"What? I'll never remember this stuff," said Henry.
"Wait, I have a better idea," said Colonel Washington. Colonel Washington snatched the piece of paper that Henry was writing on and ate it.
"What did you do that for?" asked Henry.
"I can't tell you. If I did I would have to tear your tongue out. Believe me, I have permission to do so," said Colonel Washington. Radar walked into Henry's office.
"Colonel, sir, there's another CIA man here to see you. A ..." said Radar.
"Captain Troy," said the man as he walked into Henry's office. He was wearing sunglasses, too.
"Radar, what is going on here? Get HQ on the phone and stuff away that stethoscope," said Henry. "Okay, Captain Troy, right? What's your story?"
"I'm not Troy, I'm Flagg," said Colonel Flagg as he whipped off his sunglasses.
"Oh dear Lord, why me," said Henry, "why me?"
"Did you say another CIA man?" asked Colonel Flagg.
"No, of course not, Colonel Washington was never here. Oh, damn," said Henry. "I never said that. Wait, where in the world did that guy go?"
"Who knows. So Irving's here, huh? That slippery little devil sure has a lot of nerve to go on assignment at the same time as me. That man is up to something and he better not get in the way of my business that I have here," said Colonel Flagg.
"You can't stay, Flagg. Colonel Washington is staying in the Swamp and the V.I.P. Tent is reserved for a buddy of mine," said Henry. "I guess you'll have to take your intelligence and high tail it out of here."
"Wait, I don't need somewhere to sleep. I can't sleep. If I do might give away some top secret information," said Colonel Flagg.
"Can't you guys just leave us alone? Last time it was penicillin. Then it was Frank. Go pick on a unit your own size," said Henry.
"Yeah," said Radar.
"Corporal, you better get out of here or I'll eat you for dinner," said Colonel Flagg.
"Cannibal," said Radar as he left.
"I've got orders to stay and I'm going to stay. Got it, Blake?" yelled Colonel Flagg. He grabbed Henry's shirt collar and got in his face.
"Sure do, now would you please let go? I can't breathe," said Henry.
"Thank you, Colonel," said Colonel Flagg. He let go of Henry and walked out the door.
The Officer's Club
"Trapper and Hawkeye, listen to this," said Radar.
"Spit it out, Radar," said Trapper.
"Colonel Flagg is back and there's this new guy named Colonel Irving Washington. They're here to track some top-secret patient we have," said Radar.
"Great, what do we have? A Communist, a Marxist, a Fascist, a Confederate?" said Hawkeye.
"It sounds like this Washington guy stole his name from the famous write Washington Irving," said Trapper.
"Yeah, it's probably one of his million cover up names. I'm not surprised if one of those CIA guys has gone as Marilyn Monroe before. It sounds like this Washington guy is a clone of Colonel Flagg," said Hawkeye. "Wait, didn't you operate on his rib this morning?"
"Yeah, his jeep self-combusted," said Trapper. "He is just like Colonel Flagg, right down to the self-inflicted injuries."
"We should probably watch what we're saying," said Radar. "Colonel Washington said he out cameras all over the place."
"I bet there's a camera in my martini glass. I had better watch what I drink," said Hawkeye.
"I think my olive is watching me," said Trapper. Hawkeye and Trapper laughed.
"These CIA guys are preposterous! They can arrest me. I don't care. Lock me up, I'm guilty of impersonating a Captain. I guess they'll have to send me home," said Hawkeye.
"Pierce, McIntyre! I'm watching you," said a voice from under the table.
"Jeez, I think my feet are talking," said Hawkeye.
"Clam it, Pierce. I've been recording everything you guys have said. This is going to go on your file," said Colonel Washington as he jumped out from under the table.
"So you must be the infamous Colonel Irving Washington. I don't believe we've formally met," said Hawkeye.
"No need for introductions, we've met. Remember a few weeks back when you were on R & R? You know that nightclub you were at, The Satin Slipper? I was there," said Colonel Washington. "I was the bartender."
"The bartender was a woman, I thought," said Trapper.
"Well, us intelligence guys have to go undercover to get our information," said Colonel Washington.
"Hawk, it's a good thing you never asked the bartender to dance," said Trapper.
"You men are sick, why doesn't your CO instill a little discipline?" asked Colonel Washington.
"He tried, but we all tied him up to a flagpole and laughed at him," said Hawkeye.
"I see," said Colonel Washington.
An Hour Later in Henry's Office
"Colonel, there's a man here to..." said Radar as a man brushed by him.
"Henry!" yelled the man.
"Is that really you, Major?" asked Henry.
"Who were you expecting, Macarthur?" said the man.
"Radar, I would like you to meet Major Major Major, the only man on this side of the Pacific with the same first, last, and middle name," said Henry.
"Hello, my Majorness, sir. Nice to meet you," said Radar.
"Nice to meet you, too, Radar, right? Your name is almost as weird as mine," said Major.
"Well, it's not my real name. My real name is Walter. These guys gave me the name Radar because I can predict things before they happen," said Radar.
"That's pretty nifty, Radar. My dad was just a little weird and thought it would be pretty funny if I had the same first, last, and middle name. I used to be a major in the army, too. Luckily, they promoted me," said Major.
"Yeah, who would want to be Major Major Major Major?" said Radar.
"So Maj, what have you been up to lately?" asked Henry.
"Well, I here for more than just a visit. You've got to keep this quiet. The CIA is after one of your patients, a Major Salgin," said Major.
"Major Salgin's..." said Henry.
"Here's his file," said Radar.
"Hmm, multiple leg wounds and some shrapnel in his nose. Doesn't seem too bad, what do they want with him?" asked Henry.
"Well, I'm not quite sure. You see, you know how I'm the CO of the MASH Unit 7704; well Major Salgin was a patient at my unit, except he was Captain Carter then. He raided our supplies and took half of our morphine and penicillin. He's a CIA agent too. That's why it doesn't make sense why they're after him," said Major. A tall man with a mat of black hair, walked into Henry's office. He looked like he was about twenty.
"Colonel Major, sir, I unpacked the jeep," said the young man.
"Oh Henry, this is Sergeant Snowden, my Company Clerk," said Major.
"Nice to meet you, sir," said Sergeant Snowden. "I've heard some pretty funny stories about you. This strange guy ran up to me and tried to convince me that I was a Communist."
"Flagg," said Henry. "I forgot to tell you. Besides having Major Salgin in my camp, the incorruptible Flagg and his buddy Colonel Washington are here trying to investigate us."
"Great, when those two are together you're in big trouble. They tried to court martial me fore giving food to the South Koreans. Did you know that Flagg purposely ran his jeep over a land mine so he could investigate our unit?" said Major.
"One time he crashed his helicopter so he could investigate ours. He also broke his arm purposely," said Henry.
"The guy's a lunatic," said Major. "Washington isn't any better. He drove his jeep right through the wall of my office. The problem is, the army believes these nutcases. We've got to get them out of here before they get us put in front of a firing squad."
Meanwhile in the Swamp
"Flagg, what did we do wrong this time?" asked Hawkeye.
"Pierce, you do everything wrong, but I'm here for Major Salgin," said Colonel Flagg.
"I operated on him a couple of days ago," said Trapper. "No big deal, a little shrapnel in the legs and a snootful in the nose."
"Once he's awake, tell me. I have some unfinished business to take care of," said Colonel Flagg.
"Sure Flagg, sure," said Hawkeye and Trapper together. They smiled deviously.
"I'm having a problem. I'm not sure what Irving is up to. It must be top secret, though, because I don't even know what about it and I know everything," said Colonel Flagg.
"Sounds like conflicting intelligence. What if Washington is after the same guy?" asked Hawkeye.
"Then you had better make sure I get the information first!" yelled Colonel Flagg.
A Little Later in the V.I.P. Tent
"You're a full colonel?" asked Margaret.
"Well, that's what the bird says. Major, do you have a patient by the name of Major Salgin?" asked Colonel Washington.
"Yeah, he took a noseful of shrapnel," said Margaret.
"When he comes to, can you inform me immediately?" asked Colonel Washington.
"Sure, Colonel, anytime," said Margaret.
"Did anyone tell you you have the most beautiful pale blue eyes?" asked Colonel Washington.
"No one of your status," said Margaret.
"Oh Margaret," said Colonel Washington.
"Oh Irving," said Margaret.
19:00 Hours: Officer's Club
"Is everyone here?" asked Trapper.
"Wait, if you're not here say I," said Hawkeye. (Silence) "Good, then we're ready."
"Wait, where's Major Houlihan?" asked Frank.
"She already doing her part," said Hawkeye.
"Okay. Lieutenant Colonel Major- if you haven't met him he's the funny looking guy at the end of the table- has devised a plan to get rid of Flagg and Washington. Sergeant Snowden, his trusty assistant, will assist him in presenting it. Take it away, Major," said Trapper.
"Okay, men, your camp has been over run by the CIA. They ransacked our camp so I decided to help you guys out. Plus, I love a good practical joke. Okay, these guys are after a man who currently goes by Major Salgin, but also has many other aliases, such as Captain Carter. Major Salgin works for the CIA also, but for some reason Flagg and Washington want to kill him. Margaret is getting that information right now. While we're waiting for the information here's the layout of the plan."
20:00 Hours: Outside of Post-Op
"Salgin, man, you are wanted red hot. We're going to you out of here before you get your brains blown out. Here's my advice, change your name and keep a good distance from Flagg and Washington. They want to kill you," said Klinger as he lifted Salgin into the ambulance.
"Yeah, I know. I ruined one of their dumb missions and they're out to get me for it. Wait, you're a guy in a dress!" yelled Salgin.
"Yeah, I'm crazy. Can you put that on file? Oh yeah, you had better stop raiding MASH supplies or else crazy doctors are going to start chasing you with guns," said Klinger.
"Oh, that means you probably want this stuff back," said Salgin as he handed Klinger a couple of boxes of penicillin and a pair of earrings.
"My silver hoops! Why did you steal those?" asked Klinger.
"I can get good intelligence with jewelry. There's this guy who has a fussy wife who loves jewelry," said Salgin. "Well, I've got to go, bye."
"Bye Salgin, you're just as crazy as Flagg and Washington," said Klinger.
20:10: Mess Tent
"Colonel Flagg, Salgin is waking up," said Hawkeye.
"Good, I'll be there as soon as I finish my mashed potatoes," said Colonel Flagg.
20:12: Mess Tent: Kitchen
"Colonel Washington, sir, I must say that rice smells delicious, but you've got to come to Post-Op. Salgin has woken up," said Margaret.
"All right, just as soon as I finish this rice," said Colonel Washington.
20:18: Post-Op
"Okay, Flagg and Washington have exited the Mess Tent," said Radar.
"All right, places everyone. Hawk, ready?" asked Snowden.
"Can't wait!"
"Henry, ready?"
"Why did you stick me under here?"
"Trapper, ready?"
"No, it's Major Salgin, remember. I'm trying to get into character."
"Major, ready?"
"Sure am."
"Klinger, ready?"
"Ready Snowden, I'm even wearing my purple skirt and sweater set with my lucky purple pumps."
"Radar, ready?"
"Yup, standing post."
"Father Mulcahy, ready?"
"Yes, though I still don't know what is going on here."
"Margaret, ready?"
"Just about."
"Snowden, ready? More ready then I'll ever be. Ahh, I love doing that."
"Wait, what about me?" asked Frank.
"Oh, Frank, I forgot about you. Go to the Mess Tent and eat," said Major.
"How will that help?" asked Frank.
"We'll tell you later," said Snowden.
Okay," said Frank. Frank left Post-Op.
"Okay, everyone, Flagg and Washington are in our zone. Everyone had better be ready," said Radar.
Colonel Flagg walked into Post-Op a few minutes ahead of Colonel Washington.
"What are you doing here, Corporal?" asked Colonel Flagg.
"Uh, working. I'll be going now," said Radar .
"You bet your bones you will. Now scram," said Colonel Flagg.
"You're looking for Major Salgin, right?" asked Hawkeye.
"Show me to his bed, now!" yelled Colonel Flagg.
"You have to be quiet, Colonel, people are sleeping in here," said Hawkeye as he led him to Major Salgin's cot.
Colonel Washington walked into Post-Op.
"Hi Irving," said Margaret.
"Hi Margaret," said Colonel Washington. "Can you show me to Major Salgin's bunk?"
"Sure, he's right over there," said Margaret as she pointed to the bed where Colonel Flagg and Hawkeye were standing.
"Get out of here, Irving, he's mine!" yelled Colonel Flagg. Colonel drew his gun and pointed it at the figure lying under the covers of the cot.
"No Sam, he's mine!" yelled Colonel Washington as he too drew his gun at the figure.
"No, you're ours!" yelled Trapper as he threw off the blankets. Henry and Snowden reached out from under the bunks on either side of Salgin's old cot and grabbed Colonel Flagg's and Colonel Washington's ankles. Klinger, Lt. Col. Major, Hawkeye, and Father Mulcahy all grabbed the two secret agents.
"You imbeciles! I'm going to court martial you!" yelled Colonel Washington.
"Yeah, you're going to pay for this," yelled Colonel Flagg. The two CIA guys tried to shoot their guns, but they discovered they were squirt guns.
"Haul them away," said Henry.
The Next Morning
"Ahh, it's such a beautiful morning. Not a chopper on the sky. That saluting soldier statue adds a nice touch to the camp," said Hawkeye.
"And that new flag is flapping in the wind nicely," said Trapper.
"Untie me!" yelled Colonel Washington.
"Get me down from here!" yelled Colonel Flagg. Hawkeye and Trapper saluted Colonel Flagg, who was hanging by his drawers from the flagpole, and Colonel Washington, who was tied to the flagpole with his hand tied up so he was saluting.
"At ease, Colonel Washington," said Trapper. He snickered a bit.
"I think this is the first time I've ever saluted an American Flagg," said Hawkeye.
The End