I’m standing in the kitchen in the open doorway, the bright midday sun glinting off the glass and radiating heat onto my face. I’m watching my family, and the smile on my face to anyone else would look as though it was perfectly mirroring the gorgeous day outside.

I was about to step outside but caught sight of them running barefoot on the lawn, laughing as if they didn’t have a care in world. I savour every moment of this wonderful scene as if it were the last time I’d ever see it. But I can’t help wishing things were different.

They so nearly were. I watch Jakey smiling and waving to me to join in and thank God he’s ok. We so nearly lost him, I am so greatful Kem and me got a chance to know our son. But if things were different…

I love Kem, I really do. We have to gorgeous kids together; I can’t imagine my life any other way. But we had to work at it. If Jake had died we wouldn’t be together, I don’t pretend we would be. I hardly knew her, he brought us close. Them Isabel came along and completed our bond but it all feels to fragile, so false. Like it could all fall apart any second and part of me wishes it would.

So I wouldn’t have to keep up this pretense. Wouldn’t have to constantly work at this relationship. Love shouldn’t be this hard, it should be effortless and free, like in fairy tales.

This should be a fairy tale. This, right now. I have a gorgeous wife, two fantastic children but it’s not real, it’s all happy smiles and public displays of affection but when I’m alone at night, and I roll over and see Kem lying peacefully next to me I can’t help wondering what it would be like if it was someone else lying there.

“Daddy!” Jake squeals to me. I look up to see Kem roll him on the lawn and start tickling him. He’s giggling hysterically and kicking his legs, begging her to stop. Izzy takes her blanket out of her mouth for long enough to manage a joyous little gurgle and she claps her hands.

The phone rings and I’m glad of the distraction, something to pull me away from this idyllic scene, but it’s not real, none of it.

“Hello?”

* * *

“Dr. Lockhart, that was amazing.” I grin as I pull off my gloves and smile at the awe inspired med student who has just witnessed me save a guys life. I nod gratefully and walk out of the trauma room, smiling to myself. This is why I do it. Not to gain respect from naive medical students. They’ve been here a week, anything would impress them. But for saving lives, helping people.

It sounds cliché but it’s true. Every doctor says it but it’s not until you’re in that position yourself that you truly understand what they mean. What I do matters, I matter.

I’m happy here, I’m where I want to be, doing what I want to do. I’m near my family. Leaving Chicago was the best decision I’ve made. It was time to move on, get a fresh start. Leave all the baggage and heartache behind.

Then there are some times, late at night after a hard shift, when I’m sitting alone at home or in the staff room when all I want is to be back at County. It’s been 3 years, and some times I still think that’s where I should be.

I walk to the staff room and collect my coat. I say hal- hearted goodbyes to my colleagues as I leave my half shift and make my way home. My mind’s wandering now, like it does all to often. I do want to be here, I’m sure of it. I never was a big fan of change, but I should be used to it now.

The weather’s lovely and I feel contented, walking the scenic route through the park, the dappled shade of the trees overhead protecting me from the harsh sun. It takes twice as long to get home this way, and half an hour ago I wanted nothing more than to go to bed, but I look around, see the happy kids and hear the singing birds and feel like I could stay out here forever.

I find a bench and sit down, sighing deeply, breathing in the fresh air. This is a million miles away from noisy, cold, wet Chicago. But there’s one thing Chicago has that Minneapolis doesn’t.

My cell phone starts ringing and stops me abruptly from traveling down that road and I’m grateful. I can’t go there again. I dig deep into my bag and find what I’m looking for, although I don’t really want to talk, don’t want to do anything to spoil this atmosphere.

“Hello?”

* * *

I sigh in frustration and clench my free fist as I perch on the edge of the living room sofa. I can still see Kem and the kids playing through the French windows but I shake my head, concentrating on the call.

“No, you can’t do that… Suspending me was bad enough… whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty, I acted in no way but professionally with that patient.” I’m growing more and more exasperated now. I knew this perfect day couldn’t last. The arrogant condescending voice on the other end of the line grates on my ears. I block it out, no longer hearing specific words, just muffled sounds in the background.

It’s nothing I haven’t heard before, only now I’ve just discovered fresh accusations have been flung my way of situations I knew nothing about. I’m beginning to wonder whether all this is really worth it. ‘Helping people’. What does that really mean? Maybe I’ve just been unlucky. Or maybe I’ve been doing this too long.

I reach the end of my ponderings just in time to hear the parting words from my co-worker. “Fine” I snap in reply, “I don’t care anymore. This never would have got this far with Kerry in charge.”

I slam the receiver down and try to calm myself down. I feel a pair of hands slide gently around my waist and I feel instantly calm. Kem nuzzles into my neck and begins to talk as she plants soft kisses on my face.

I’m not in the mood. The moment’s shattered. But I try to grit my teeth and smile.

“Was that work?” she asks, I only nod. The look on my face tells her to drop it and thankfully she obliges. She tries to placate me by running her hands up my back. “Relax” she whispers, “come outside.”

She releases me and starts to walk back into the kitchen. I hesitate for a moment and she turns around and smiles, reaching out a hand. “Come on” she urges and I finally relent. “forget about work. Screw them.”

* * *

“Darren, no. I don’t want to hear it. Don’t pretend you’re sorry, I don’t want to hear it.” I cross my legs angrily and notice I’m tapping my nails impatiently on the back of the bench. “I’m not listening to this” I tell him in a warning tone, “you had your fair share of chances.”

I realise with slight annoyance how empty my words sound sinse I’ve still not hung up. I’m sick of hearing his apologies; I’m not bothering any more. I’m going to be strong. “Good bye Darren!” I tell him, cutting him off mid sentence and pointedly snap my phone shut.

I nod to myself, satisfied that I got the point across, but it still doesn’t stop me being any less irritated that he’s still hassling me. I won’t give in.

I snatch up my coat and bag and start hurrying towards the gate on the other side of the park. It’s a long way from the pleasant stroll I was enjoying a few moments ago and I just want to get home. Once again, a perfectly enjoyable moment ruined by that idiot I used to like.

I reach my apartment and turn the key in the lock. I make a mental note to by a fan when the waft of unbearably humid heat hits me when I push open the door. I throw my stuff down on the sofa, next to the piles of magazines and medical books. I need to clean up.

Later. I head to the kitchen and hover at the fridge, debating whether to have soda or just water. Like that’s the most important decision in my life right now. I wish it was.

A phone rings again. This time, it’s my landline. And I’d nearly calmed down again. I pick up the phone, suddenly turning defensive again. “What?” I bark down the phone, all set up for another confrontation.

“Oh, hi Tina. Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I sigh and am relaxed again. “Yeah, how did you know he’s been calling me? He didn’t come looking for me at work too did he?… That’s typical…It wasn’t so much a hint as a big fat ‘No frickin’ way!’.”

I make my way into the bedroom, the cordless phone balanced on my shoulder. I sit down on the bed and kick my shoes off. I collapse onto the covers exhausted.

“You know what, he can jump off a bridge for all I care…That’s right, bollocks to him!”

* * *

I lie on a blanket on the lawn, gazing up at the sky. The humid air has begun to settle and the ground is moist. Dusk has come and I haven’t moved for hours. Kem’s hand is settled on my chest and Izzy’s asleep next to me. Jake’s still riding around on his bike but I can tell he’s beginning to flag.

“Hey.” I gently tap Kem on the shoulder. She rolls over to look at me, a smile spread across her face. “I think we should get these two off to bed.” She nods and stands up, slowly walking over to our son. I smile down at Isabel, stroking her baby soft hair for a moment before scooping her up and walking back inside.

Maybe this could continue to work, maybe it’s not a farce after all. My smile feels real, and I know Kem’s is. And I can’t imagine my life without the gorgeous baby girl I hold in my arms and my son who fought so hard to survive. I guess if I want them, I get Kem too.

That’s not a bad thing. There are plenty of guys out there worse off than me. I guess no one’s ever happy with their lot. Kem brushes past me on her way upstairs, Jake clinging tightly round her neck. She winks as be was she continues up the stairs and kisses me lightly on the cheek.

I stand for a moment, just watching her. But I know deep down she’s not the one I want.