SHE KNEW (PG) Despite the multitude of uncertainties facing Kathryn since her return to the Alpha Quadrant, there were some things she knew without doubt. She knew he would come to her. After all they'd meant to one another, he wouldn't be able to leave things as they were. She also knew the relationship he'd begun with Seven in the Delta Quadrant didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving here. She knew that time would heal her anger and heartbreak, and that she would forgive both herself and him. Most of all, she knew she would love him always. Despite the bitter temperature, Kathryn went to the barn loft to get some of her things Gretchen had stored there in an old trunk. She lifted item after item from its dusty depths and forgot the cold as she found herself on a journey down memory lane. At least if her mind was occupied with the distant past, she wouldn't think about Chakotay. Well, almost. He found her there, sitting cross-legged in the straw surrounded by yearbooks and photos and whatever else she'd treasured from her youth. She remained unaware of his approach, so lost was she in her memories, until a board creaked under his foot. The surprise on her face was brief, quickly replaced by a warm smile. "I see Mom gave me away." "Are you hiding?" he asked with a grin. "No, not really," she answered and looked down at the yearbook in her lap. So softly he could barely hear her, she added, "Just remembering." He remained standing, his hands shoved deep into his jacket pockets against the cold, waiting. Kathryn looked up suddenly with a crooked smile. "Where are my manners? Pull up a seat." She watched him approach and pick up a stack of books so he could sit in front of her then settle the books on his lap. His eyes traveled affectionately over her face until Kathryn averted hers in discomfort. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stare," Chakotay said. "It's just so good to see you." "You too," she answered and closed the yearbook, "But what are you doing here?" "Visiting a friend." "Checking on me." "That too," he admitted as the dimples broke through again. "No one's heard a peep out of you since the debriefings ended. I wanted to make sure you're alright." "As you can see, I'm fine." She uncrossed her legs and stretched them out to one side of him, crossing her ankles. "How are you?" "Aren't you cold?" he asked suddenly. "I've been here nearly three weeks. I'm getting used to it." She looked down at the toes of her boots and repeated her question. "How are you?" "I'm fine too." "And Seven?" Her eyes flicked to his. "I believe she's fine as well. We haven't spoken in a few days." "Oh?" Kathryn asked with the faintest hint of a smirk. "She's gone to DS9 to interview for a position," he said with a more visible smirk. "But your assumption is correct." "I beg your pardon?" "Seven and I aren't together, Kathryn," he said as he picked up one of the books to read its spine. Her reply sounded more defensive than she intended. "What makes you think I assumed that?" "Didn't you?" He put the book on the stack then set them aside in the straw before meeting her eyes. Kathryn lifted her chin slightly and smiled crookedly. "Damn you." "Now that that's cleared up, can we talk about us?" He'd succeeded in surprising her and the rather smug look on his face told her he knew it. Kathryn straightened and glared at him. "There is no us." "There's always been an us. Always will be." She gaped at him. He was too goddamned sure of himself and she wasn't about to stand for it. This wasn't the Chakotay she knew and loved. This was some arrogant, cocky... "NOW who's making assumptions?" she spat and slammed the yearbook down next to her thigh. "How dare you!" Chakotay remained unfazed. "Are you going to rant, or are we going to discuss this like adults?" Kathryn was speechless. She wasn't sure if she was more surprised by his attitude, or by her own sudden urge to slap his face. "Fine," he said and moved to sit beside her, leaning against the trunk. "Then I'll talk." Kathryn turned her head to follow him and clenched her jaw. Chakotay picked up a piece of straw and watched his fingers as he began to snap off tiny pieces. "I won't apologize for seeing Seven. It had finally become quite clear you were never going to relax your stand on becoming involved with someone under your command. Frankly, I resented the hell out of your determination. When an opportunity for romance presented itself, I took it." "How fucking wonderful for you." Kathryn said and started to get to her feet. Chakotay grasped her wrist and she stilled even though she could easily have pulled free. Chakotay continued. "I knew going in there was no future in it. Seven wanted to experience a romantic involvement, and I was lonely. It was the perfect combination." Kathryn turned her face away. He sighed softly and continued. "I told myself I could go back to the way it was in the Maquis, take gratification where I might, with no strings, no attachments." He snorted and shook his head. "But it didn't work. There was a complication on Voyager I'd never had in the Maquis, and when it came right down to it, I couldn't go through with it." Kathryn could tell by the direction of his voice he was looking at her but she did not turn around. Instead she closed her eyes and bit her lip. "You were that complication, Kathryn. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that I was over you, that I needed to move on with my life, I couldn't. I was still in love with you then, and I'm in love with you now." When Kathryn still refused to look in his direction, he went on. "I said I wouldn't apologize for seeing Seven, but I do owe you an apology. Will you please look at me?" Slowly, reluctantly, Kathryn did as he asked. Chakotay was not surprised to see she had sought refuge behind her Captain's mask and didn't begrudge her that. If it was what she needed to get through this, then so be it. He hid nothing from her, however, as he spoke quietly. "I am sorry you found out from the Admiral. I should've told you myself. I owed you that at the very least." "Is that all?" Kathryn asked with no visible emotion. "I believe I mentioned wanting to talk about us," he reminded her. "Chakotay, surely you don't think just because it's over between you and Seven that I'm going to jump into a relationship with you? That I've been waiting and ...and pining for you?" "I *had* hoped you'd miss me." His small grin dislodged the mask enough for him to recognize the beginnings of a smile. "I have missed you, dammit, but that doesn't mean I'm going to fall into your arms and forget all the pain I..." She snapped her mouth shut and stood up to walk a few steps away. With her back to him she clenched and unclenched her hands by her sides and calmed her breathing. After a long silence, she said quietly. "I can't blame you for my pain any more than I can blame you for turning to someone else. The fault belongs at my feet, not yours." "We've both hurt each other, Kathryn," he said as he stood up. "Talking about it or clinging to guilt over it won't change anything." "Why did you come here, Chakotay?" she asked and turned to face him. "And don't tell me to make sure I'm alright. You could've called for that." She took a single step toward him and peered into his eyes. "Why did you come?" He hesitated only a moment. It was time to put it all on the line. "Because I'm through waiting." Kathryn's hands went to her hips. "I beg your..." "You heard me," he interrupted firmly. "There is nothing standing in our way. Not your position, not responsibility for the lives of a crew, not Starfleet regs..." "I understand that," she snapped. "But you talk as if yours is the only voice here! YOU want to talk about us! YOU'RE tired of waiting! Does it occur to you that *I* might have something to say?" She blinked. "What is so funny?" "I've never known you *not* to have something to say," he answered as he rubbed his chin. Plainly, she didn't see the humor. Forcing down all signs of a smile, he gave a nod. "The floor is yours." Gradually her expression softened and Chakotay thought for a moment she was going to smile. "I have been waiting for you," she said then shifted her eyes to the rafters above his head and spoke from one side of her mouth. "And pining for you." She saw him reach up to scrub away an escaped grin and aimed a mock scowl at him. "Don't get smug just yet, Mister. I'm not finished." Chakotay folded his hands behind him and sobered. "Yes, Ma'am." "I'm tired of waiting, too." She crossed her arms and slowly moved toward him, watching the happiness grow on his face. "I think we had...have something pretty incredible and it's high time we took it out of the box and enjoyed it." She stood very close to him and tilted her head back to maintain eye contact. "Oh, and one more thing. If you ever again call me ma'am, I'll divorce you so fast your head will spin." Chakotay's eyes widened briefly. "You can't divorce me, Kathryn." "Why is that?" "Because you haven't married me yet." She grinned as her arms went around his neck. "Details, details." ~ end ~ -- Camryn, November 2006 Flip back to the Poems & Prose Index page!