 |
FORGIVENESS
(PG-13) by Camryn, 11/07
Unbidden memories of their last encounter flashed through her mind. He'd meant only to give her a friendly hug to congratulate her on getting her crew home, but she had pushed him away. The finality of losing him had risen like bile in her throat, but it had not prevented the angry hurtful words she'd flung at him shocking everyone on the bridge including herself. Even now, three weeks later, she still couldn't remember leaving the bridge to escape to the ready room. Nor could she forget the hurt and anger in Chakotay's eyes. Thankfully Starfleet had required only medical exams before releasing the crew for a month's leave before debriefings were to begin, and she hadn't seen him since. Through Owen and B'Elanna, she'd learned Seven ended her relationship with Chakotay just hours after the scene on Voyager's bridge. Kathryn guessed he blamed her for that, and rightfully so. The very next day he'd resigned from Starfleet, and without a word to anyone gone to his cousin's ranch in Ohio where, according to B'Elanna, he lived in a ranch hand's cabin not much larger than his quarters on the ship. Kathryn took blame for his hasty departure as well, since she had single-handedly made it impossible for him to face anyone. The more she thought of all the damage she'd caused, the more convinced she became that Chakotay probably never wanted to see her again. No matter. She would never be able to live with herself if she didn't at least try to set things right between them. The path ended in a clearing barely larger than the tiny cabin itself. As Kathryn approached the front stoop, her eyes were drawn to a large pile of wood shavings on the ground beside it, and she was assaulted by yet more guilt. How many lonely hours had he spent sitting there? What had gone through his mind as he whittled? More than likely her stinging words were at the forefront. With a deep breath, she stepped onto the tiny stoop and knocked firmly on the heavy wooden door. A moment later it swung open. Other than a brief flash of surprise, Chakotay showed no emotion as he settled his hands on his hips. "What do you want, Kathryn?" She told herself it could be much worse. He might've simply turned away and shut the door in her face. "I'd like to apologize," she answered softly, shoving her none too steady hands into the pockets of her jeans. Chakotay tilted his chin out slightly. "Fine. Accepted. Anything else?" Humility had never come easily to Kathryn and despite her desire to heal the wound she stiffened at his chilly response. "That's it? Accepted?" "I'd hate for you to spend a single moment longer than necessary with someone who...how did you put it? Wouldn't know a promise if it bit him on the ass." Kathryn bit the inside of her cheek, well aware she deserved that, and nodded as she lowered her head. "You're right. I shouldn't have thrown that up at you." She forced herself to look at him. "It was a long, long time ago." "It would still stand," he said bitterly, "Had you even once acknowledged it." "Chakotay, surely you know I couldn't do that," she responded quietly, her eyes pleading with him to understand. "It would've been unfair, even cruel, to both of us, to talk of feelings we could do nothing about." "I see. I was supposed to read your mind." She let that pass. "I...tried to let you know...in other ways." Her eyes widened in surprise when he stepped across the threshold well into her space, his face stiff with anger. "What way was that, Kathryn, those last months out there? By barely speaking to me outside of work? By almost completely shutting me out of your life? From where I stood, it was pretty damn clear that my promise, my VOW, meant nothing to you anymore. I didn't renege. I simply gave up." "Exactly!" Kathryn shouted. "You gave up on me when I needed you most!" With that she turned to stalk away, her steps scattering the wood shavings. She hadn't gone far when Chakotay's angry words made her stop. "You never needed anyone and you made damn sure everybody knew it!" She remained still with her back to him and stared down the path which had brought her there. He was right. She had hidden too well, and in doing so convinced him she didn't want what he offered. She had given him every reason to turn to someone else. Worse, she had humiliated him for doing exactly that. Slowly she turned to look at him. He hadn't moved from the stoop, and his hands were now clenched in tight fists at his sides. His chest rose and fell with the heavy breaths of anger as he glared at her waiting for a response. If she could only make him understand why she'd withdrawn, closed herself off, maybe he could find it in his heart to forgive. "Let me fill you in a bit on those last several months, Chakotay. That person you thought needed no one...was beginning to fall apart. The years were finally taking a toll, and I was forced to deal with it the only way I knew how." Her eyes narrowed a bit as she continued. "The one and only thing I could NOT fail at was being captain, getting the crew home, so that is where all of my focus and all of my energy HAD to be. It took everything I had just to do my job. As a result, other...relationships... suffered. The truth is Admiral Janeway couldn't have shown up at a better time, because frankly I'm not sure how much longer I could've held on." Chakotay's angry expression had slowly been replaced by one of shame and guilt. Kathryn shook her head. "Don't, Chakotay. You do not get to feel guilty about this, do you hear me? What I said a minute ago was a mistake, and God knows I've made plenty." She took a single step toward him. "NONE of this is your fault. I only want you to understand why I was so distant, and to know it was what I had to do. I never meant to make you feel...unwanted." She crossed her arms and looked down at the ground away from the sadness on his face. No matter how many times she told him he wasn't at fault, she knew he would feel guilty for not being there for her. She had come to seek forgiveness and only succeeded in making him feel worse. Determined to do no further damage, she drew a deep breath and straightened, looking up at him. "I am truly sorry for what I said...on the bridge that day. No matter how disturbed I was, it was inexcusable, and I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me." Her voice fell almost to a whisper as she turned to go. "Take care of yourself, Chakotay." "Don't walk away from me," he said firmly with a warning in his tone. Kathryn stopped but didn't turn around. "I can forgive you for words said in anger. I can even forgive you for keeping me in the dark when you so desperately needed help, but I can't...I won't forgive you if you shut me out again." Kathryn lowered her head and closed her eyes. "Do you still need me, Kathryn?" There was no gentleness in his voice. Once again, Kathryn turned slowly to face him. In that moment she knew how it felt to be on the other side of a mask designed to hide truth. Chakotay stood his ground giving away nothing and waited for an answer. Blinking back tears, she gave it. "Need you. Love you. Want you, yes" Chakotay's expression softened with quiet relief, subtle joy, but still he did not move. Kathryn waited with her heart in her throat until, very slowly, he lifted his arms in invitation. The message was clear. His love was still there for the taking, if she would but go to him. And she did.
 Flip back to the Poems & Prose Index page! |