Announcing The New, Much Deteriorated...
Brave New WorldVolume 1, no 4, November 2000Earlier issues of Brave New World are still available at www.bahai.us.com. All comments, complaints, gripes, grudges, gossip and information of any kind should be sent to Rt Hon. Edward Smith Bt. at ridgerunner@privacyx.com. |
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It has been officially dismissed as a cheap publicity stunt by a failing author desperately trying to sell copies of his pathetic book but Brave New World can exclusively reveal that top officials have been rattled by the recent major breach in security at the Apartment Block. We can reveal from top insider sources that what was described as a publicity stunt is in fact being treated with the greatest seriousness and will result in greatly tightened security measures at the Apartment Block.
There is little doubt that this has been yet another assault by enemies of the Faith, Covenant Breakers, or worse, in a vain attempt to shatter the illusions of the inhabitants of the Apartment Block. The entire Administrative Order has been ordered to root out those responsible for the recent outrage despite the fact that exhaustive forensic examinations have resulted in few clues. All that has so far been found is a set of footprints, an Amazon sales slip, a tape recorder with a self-destructed tape and two pieces of paper with the words "WOt" and "Cruise" on it.
Initial fears that this presaged an attack on the Apartment Block by a Cruise Missile have proved groundless. Apparently somebody in the Research Department, which normally has little to do, interpreted this as a terse warning, "World Order terminated [by] Cruise [missile]". The fear of imminent catastrophe sent the entire staff scurrying into the hills around Haifa to await the end and the immolation of the human race, as we know it. Reports of gross immorality in that time are greatly exaggerated—some did take advantage of the situation to actively review, systematise and rehearse the plan for re-population of the World Centre and its suburbs, but as events have proved, it is not necessary at this time to put the nine month plan into action. It has been noted as a mark of the intense devotion and loyalty of the Bahá'ís that all stood ready, indeed, more than ready and eager to do their bit in furtherance of this nine-month plan, were it needed. Somebody however soon realised that one of the bits of paper had been upside down and that in fact the words were "Tom" "Cruise."
During the confusion however some misguided enemy of the Faith, Covenant Breaker, or worse, seized the opportunity to sneak into the Council chamber and put nine copies of "Modernity and the Millennium" on the table. Massive doses of sedition (typo—read "sedation") all round for the inhabitants of the Apartment Block had to be administered on the discovery of this latest outrage by the "Mission Impossible made Possible" terrorists of Zuhur 19. As an immediate response to the need for tighter security, everybody who answers to the name of "Jim" has been banned from the precincts of the Apartment Block.
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Further evidence of both the emergence and maturation of the Administrative Order has emerged with the implementation of a momentous directive from the LEA of Haifa announcing the appointment of additional tiers in the Learned Arm. A spokesman for the LEA of Haifa, at an off the record briefing, indicated that concern was arising over the level of work expected of the average ABM and his assistants. In particular it is the workload of the assistants that is giving concern as many are grievously overworked in the essence of service to the Faith. With the process of preparation for the process of preparing for the process of Entry By Troops now at an early stage of planning, the time is deemed right for these bold initiatives to be put into place, to have resources prepared for development and preparation, as the process of preparation for the process of preparing for the process of the process of Entry By Troops, now at an early stage of 
planning, advances ever onward in fulfilment of the manifest destiny of the process of preparation for the process of preparing the process of the process of Entry By Troops, now at an early stage of planning. This, the spokesman added was more than adequate evidence of the timeliness of this inspired initiative. The Bored Members are overburdened and overworked in their service to the Administrative Order (Praise etc.). They need help.
Consequently it has been decided to raise up a new level in the Administrative Order—the Bored Under Member (BUM) who will be at the base of things, the seat of support for the Board Member. In addition the Board Member will be encouraged, indeed exhorted and mandated to add Assistants for Really Special Events (ARSES) to his team of workers for the greater advancement of the Administrative Order.
The hope is that this great advance will allow us to get to the bottom of the problem.
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Sacrificial work by the National Ethereal Assembly of the Bahá'ís of New Zealand in advocating, supporting and sponsoring the Human Rights Commission Millennium Awards to be awarded on 10 December 2000 (International Human Rights Day), has been rewarded in a most unusual way. The intention of the Awards has been to "recognise grassroots initiatives in the area of human rights" and the NEA has been to the forefront in promoting this to the community earnestly exhorting it to nominate worthy persons and organisations for consideration.
Now that enthusiasm has come full circle, as the NEA itself is going to be nominated for one of the awards. Accepting the nomination on behalf of the NEA, Mr Fred Witless said that the NEA was quite flattered that anybody should feel it worthy of such high honour. He added modestly," Although to be quite honest we are definitely of the opinion that our action in expelling (Sorry—disenrolling) Mrs Marshall is a landmark and revolutionary action in the field of human rights and the advancement of privacy."
"Some might see this act as dictatorial," he added, "but we see it as a major advance in the Human Rights of the members of the Apartment Block, who after all are the elected leaders of the orthodox Bahá'í World—and the rest, could they but see it. We are confident that the members of the Judging Panel will be so systematised that they will be empowered to see the far-reaching advancement of Human Responsibilities that this is. We cannot see so called Human Rights without seeing the concomitant responsibilities of everyone to do what the Apartment Block requires done. It is a short sighted folly to only talk of so called Human Rights without constantly refining them to fit in with the requirements of the One Year Plan and the needs of the subsequent Twenty Year Plan. It saddens us so much to see these requirements neglected by a world which is blind and has an inadequate understanding of what true human rights are. We are sure the Judges will understand fully!"
He also added that the nomination for action in the expulsion of Mrs Marshall (Sorry—disenrollment) fully recognised the contribution of the NEA to the advancement of privacy in the handling of personal data. "Yes indeed," said Mr. Feckless, "we have kept all of the information relating to this action totally private and confidential. We are so committed to the principle of Privacy that we haven't even told Mrs Marshall."
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In a recent talk given to a few members of the community somewhere or other, Mr Rock Head, long-standing, sitting and lying inhabitant of the Apartment Block, lamented the decline in standards in the Community.
Commenting on dissent, expressed by certain members of the community, on a recent decision, he said that a number of e-mails had been received at the Apartment Block. The language in these had been atrocious, so bad in fact that he wouldn't have dared show them to his Secretary. "Did the ******* *******s who sent these letters realise what an absolute ****** ***** my ******* secretary is? Do they realise it has taken me fourteen ******* years to get her to ******* stop using this kind of ******* language? What effect does all this ******* work have if these stupid ******* start writing in the kind of ******** language I have told her ******* members of the whole ******* community don't use? I'm telling you ******* ******** now if any more of that ******* language is ever used to me again, I'll plant my ******* boot in your ***** ******** and ram this microphone right up your ****."
Editor's Note: We would ask our readership to please forgive us for printing the above explicit item. We had not wished to do so but were overruled by the Review Panel.
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Posters to Talisman 2000 were awakened from their slumbers recently by the re-emergence from obscurity of Herr General Doktor Kludge, who has just returned from field trials of the New Hardly Improved Panopticon Review Imprecisely Guided Weapon. Despite recent setbacks, the Herr General Doktor is about to unleash this weapon into the field to strike a crippling blow at the liberal/dissident fiends.
We can report however that trial deployment of the weapon recently was markedly unsuccessful. The weapon had been given into the hands of enthusiastic volunteers who unfortunately had not attended the Ruhi Institute for full instruction in the tactical field use of this weapon and failed to consult their local ethereal assembly before proceeding on their teaching campaign, to teach that man Cole not to write stuff like that again. Despite loud protestations from Herr General Doktor Kludge that it was "the wrong Cole" they insisted on taking it to Aden and trying it out against a naval ship of the same name that just happened to be parked there.
As our exclusive picture shows, Herr General Doktor Kludge is back on his web site trying to make the New Hardly Improved Panopticon Review Imprecisely Guided Weapon more user friendly. Apparently he is not having any success.
Posters to Bahá'í Studies have been told in no uncertain terms that the moderators will not tolerate cross-posting. The news was broken in a terse communication last week or so by Dr. Larry Branston-Pickle, one of the moderators. Posters have been advised that they will be removed from the list for cross-posting. "We need to foster a kind, benevolent, compassionate, mild, loving type of posting of the type that only us Bahá'ís can," said Dr. Brandy-Shake desperately seeking Susan to support her in this.
Observers of ARB/TRB are doubtless familiar with Rick Shaw who is regularly wheeled out on behalf of the AO to present its case, or his version of it, to the assembled masses. Recently those masses got an unexpected insight into Rick's breakfast habits—"Breakfeast at Sluy's Bakery was rather sufficient." Somehow I doubt, and not just on account of the bad spelling, that this was an advertisement for Sluy's Bakery, wherever it be. Breakfast, being the best part of the day ought not to be "rather sufficient" but "truly scrumptious" as a correspondent so aptly pointed out. Sadly however we learned that Rick has a problem with cholesterol—fortunately, we also learned that he has no problem with the Covenant. Despite being reported for possible "covenantally challenging" language earlier in the year to the Apartment Block, whereupon Rick went on holiday for a month, he regaled the world (or ARB/TRB) with an assurance that he had had no contact about this report, from anybody.
Brave New World is proud to announce that Rick Shaw is not "covenantally challenged" even if he is "cholesterolly challenged."
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As many of you are aware, a premature announcement of the publication of Brave New World was made last week. I have to tell you that this was a totally unauthorised announcement—our Editorial Review Committee had not approved it. If this were any other Bahá'í publication you would not get any explanation—but this is not any other Bahá'í publication and I believe that you, our loyal readers, are entitled to a full explanation as to what happened and what steps we are going to take to prevent a recurrence.
Last week a draft copy of Brave New World was posted on a private Web site that it might be reviewed by our legal advisers amongst others. Draft mails were also prepared for despatch. A junior member of the staff took it upon himself to unleash this issue on an unsuspecting world.
Over an extended period of time, this junior member of staff has given unmistakable indications of lack of understanding of the foundations of the Brave New World Administrative Order. Prolonged efforts by the Institutions of the Editorial Board to assist him to rectify this deficiency took the form of educational classes conducted in the area where he lived, in addition to personal discussions with him. Such assistance was without effect.
Under normal circumstances, an erroneous understanding of the Brave New World Faith and its Teachings would be regarded as a personal spiritual challenge for the individual involved, which would hopefully be met in due course through loving nurturance, deepening and encouragement by the Brave New World Institutions or their representatives. However, in this case, the junior member of staff has chosen to aggressively promote his misconceptions in defiance of efforts to provide him with essential Brave New World teachings which correct them. He has made a series of statements that stand totally in contradiction to the authoritative texts of the Brave New World writings. These assertions, which he disseminated to an international audience, were of such concern that the matter was brought to the attention of BIG AL.
Under some conditions, actions of a kind taken by this junior member of staff might have led to the loss of a believer's administrative rights or even called into question his or her loyalty to BIG AL. In his case, BIG AL has concluded that he does not satisfy the requirements of membership of the Editorial Team. Consequently he instructed Edward to remove his name from the membership rolls.
We have no doubt that you will understand the reason for this drastic action, not to mention the fact that we took an almighty bollockin' from the legal advisers on the Review Board. Apparently they are all of one mind that Brave New World is just not scandalous enough and that we'll have to try harder in future!
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A certain amount of adverse comment has been made in the gutter press of ARB/TRB about the fact that a certain non-Persian, indigenous, female person who, recently, was given the job of igniting a controlled, picturesque and spectacular conflagration which glowed over a major Antipodean metropolitan area for a couple of weeks was not a Bahá'í in Good Standing. This is an opportune time to remind all of you Bahá'ís out there who have lost your administrative rights that you have a great obligation to inform your Assembly if you are chosen for events like this. We need to be able to restore your rights in plenty of time for us to get the publicity associated with events like this.
Indeed this matter is so serious that failure to adhere strictly to it will result in the immediate loss of administrative rights.
Thanks to this inspired effort we have identified further areas for action. No more PUBlic announcements are to be made, no more shall BARometers sully Bahá'í homes, indeed we have just begun a new Teaching Campaign (No! That word is OK- no "h") to remove BARS from the nation's prisons. We have removed the WHISKey from the kitchen, the marTINi cans from the shelves, BURGUNDY from the map, CLARET from the colour palette and we can assure the World that the Loch guinNESS monster does not exist.
One dramatic and sacrificial result has been the spontaneous decision of many Youth throughout the country to stop their involvement in competitive sport lest they WINe.
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In our last issue we printed a photo fit picture of a person identified as the chief of Zuhur 19. This was a mistake. This picture on the left, was actually a photo-fit picture of BIG AL. The photo-fit picture of the Zuhur 19 chief is actually the one printed to the right.
We were given the picture with the caption from the LEA of Haifa and asked to print it and as we are going for review we thought it was best to indulge this request. The picture and caption we used was the picture and caption supplied by the LEA of Haifa. When our last issue hit the presses somebody spotted that it was the right picture with the wrong caption or was it vice versa! Anyhow that's not important right now! The solids hit the air conditioning—messages were flying from the LEA blaming us right left and centre for this cock-up.
"Did you realise," they said "that a lot of BUMS and ARSES had been going around the community accusing people who looked like this photo fit, of being the chief of Zuhur19?" Of course these people had quite rightly denied any accusation that they were the chief of Zuhur 19. And of course the BUMS and ARSES had never thought of asking them were they BIG AL; well, there was no reason to, was there? After all, the information in the picture and caption appeared pretty solid? We were also then told that as a result of this, BIG AL has escaped the net and the chief of Zuhur 19 is laughing up his sleeve at the whole thing—for he also escaped retribution.
Anyhow, tempers got a bit frayed then, for we rightly pointed out that they had supplied one picture and one caption and, if they couldn't get that right, there was no need to take that tone with us and, if things went any further they could go take a flying leap off the Apartment Block and roll down the terraces for all we cared. Then somebody pointed out that it had to be our mistake as they were infallible and were divinely guided and all that crud. We then told them to go stick their infallibility up their jaxies, for, as far as we could see, the only result of their infallibility was, that they could infallibly be depended upon to never admit to having made any mistake in the first place.
Obviously somebody has made a mistake and somebody has to apologise for it. The LEA of Haifa thinks it shouldn't apologise for this mistake because, as it is infallible, it doesn't make mistakes. We don't think we should apologise for this mistake, not because we are infallible, but because we didn't make it. So somebody has made this apology to you all but we don't know who it is. And that's the infallible truth of the matter!
Oh! What the Hell! I'm feeling generous. So here's your apology, "RH" of Illinois, "DM" of Canada, "IS" of England and more. And you'll just have to try harder with this issue!
So out of touch with reality are certain ARSES in the AO that one of them thought lap dancing was an ancient traditional folk dance from north of the Arctic Circle. Rumour has it that the same person also confused it with tap dancing and was seriously injured when he fell in the bath (Americans won't get that one—try "faucet dancing"!). We apologise for the above because it isn't funny!
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| Inspiring | A Public Meeting to which a non-Bahá'í came |
| Victory | A Public Meeting to which two non-Bahá'ís came |
| Triumph | A Public Meeting to which two non-Bahá'ís came who didn't know each other and didn’t know a Bahá'í |
| Dignified | The Choir sang in tune |
| Embryonic | Summer School Cuisine |
| Inspiring Talk | The Friends all slept soundly |
| Study Group | The Friends all slept VERY soundly |
| Ruhi Institute | Only the TITS showed up |
| Capacity | The ability to accept and believe without being sick |
| Consolidation | A Bahá'í meeting WITHOUT the food |
| Moving experience | Castor Oil |
| Seekers | Australian Singing Group of the Sixties (Americans won't get that one either) |
| Resource | Somebody else's idea |
| Fireside | A gathering held in a big house with a big car-park and a dignified address |
| "The American Bahá'í" | Forthcoming events are always reported in the past tense |
| Enquirers | Somewhere over the Rainbow! |
| Immature | Delegates who don't vote for me |
| Maturation | Campaigning is decried and not discerned |
| In Bahá'í Service | I've covered my back! |
| In Loving Bahá'í Service | You're not going to like this, but too bad—I've covered my back |
| Loving Bahá'í Greetings | Shut Up! You crummy little dog turd! |
| The Fund | Crying time again |
| One-Year Plan | To strive to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys |
| Regional Bahá'í Council | The Brat Pack |
| Year of Service | Minimum Wage does NOT apply |
| Huquq | No chance of a tax reduction |
| Unity in Diversity | So long as we all think the same thing |
| BIGS | Bahá'í in Good Standing—"Lovely Person" |
| BINS | Bahá'í in No Standing—Before we knew she was going to light the Flame |
| BIBS | Bahá'í in Bad Standing—Because she didn't tell us she was going to light the flame and we missed out on free tickets to the events |
| Teaching | An optional activity! |
We hope this will help you to better understand what you have just become a part of and, a very valued part [Rarity value—Ed.].
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So when a fresh faced youth volunteered his services, BIG AL saw the chance to rest his torn finger tips and put the ancient feet up for a well deserved siesta. But how was he to test the mettle of this callow youth, to judge his worthiness to join the Editorial Team of this most meritorious of all electronic journals? BIG AL cast about him for inspiration and there it was. Calling this precocious youth before him he set forth the task by which this earnest youngster might prove his merit.
"Go forth," quoth BIG AL "and get yourself subscribed to Zuhur 19, without mentioning the fact that you are a candidate for office with Brave New World, or that you know Bahá'í Bertha, if not intimately, then at least quite well!"
Alack and alas! 'Twas to no avail! Those moderators on Zuhur 19 can spot an infiltrator at ten paces. This, by now dejected, youth had to report back that his efforts to subscribe had been most mercilessly and prejudicially terminated in his tracks—even though he told the truth in his biographical sketch. Still we took him on anyway. After all—it takes the special sort of quality that BIG AL has, to manage to subscribe to Zuhur 19.
So when all of you BIGS out there get to hear from "Edward Smith" y'all will know that he comes towards you with the fullest blessing and support of BIG AL himself!
One interesting response to our last issue came from a correspondent in Northern Ireland who sent in an article, which appeared in the Belfast Telegraph on 5 September 2000.
It was written by Mr Kamal Ma'ani-Hessari, a well known, if not prominent member of the local Bahá'í community. The article, written by him in his capacity as a member of the Ridván Foundation, was an eloquent plea for the peoples of Northern Ireland to look towards the ethnic minorities in Northern Ireland, to utilise their "widespread experience of the local situation" as a way towards resolving the problems of that troubled society. He argued that this was a viable and worthwhile proposition on the grounds that "people from overseas have helped to resolve conflicts in Northern Ireland."
This is quite remarkable coming from a member of a community that has studiously ignored the communal strife that has been prevalent in Northern Ireland over the last one hundred years, but laudable if it means that another voice is added to aid in building consensus. Some twenty years ago somebody did produce a pamphlet which offered a unique analysis and solution—that the "Troubles" would be instantly ended if everybody, Er! Em!, became a Bahá'í. This proposal was so radical and threatening to the establishment that it was promptly suppressed and the community maintained its steadfast indifference to the strife, until now, after President Clinton, Premiers Aherne and Blair and others have become involved and have largely succeeded in mediating a solution.
The Ridván Foundation is a "non profit making organisation dedicated to the development, welfare, peace and prosperity of the people of Northern Ireland." It was set up by members of the Bahá'í community as a part of its contribution to social and economic development. It is understood that all of its management and control lies in the hands of Bahá'ís although again it is understood that it is not a Bahá'í organisation per se, i.e. under the control of the National Assembly.
The article also notes that on September 22 -24, Mir Galleries, in collaboration with the Ridván Foundation, would hold an exhibition of arts, crafts and antique Persian rugs in the Ulster Hall, Belfast. "Communiqué," the local Bahá'í newsletter, produced by and for the Bahá'í Council for Northern Ireland (its editor is another director of the Ridván Foundation), also advertised the exhibition and actually printed a coupon giving free admission to anybody producing it at the door. No mention was made, in either journal, of the fact that Mr Kamal Maani-Hessari, as well as being a director of the Ridván Foundation is also an owner of Mir Galleries.
BIG AL (well actually Edward) e-mailed another director of the Ridván Foundation for comment. No reply has been forthcoming.
Recently, the following terse comment was posted as a message on ARB/TRB by the dreadful Dr. Maniac, "Interesting that someone with a PhD in English is selling Real Estate." This was a comment on Fred Glaysher and his seeming everlasting re-posting and cross-posting of the same messages on and on ad infinitum.
Now Fred's behaviour may be, indeed, probably is irritating to the AO as much, if not more as to anybody else. But his academic qualification in English together with the fact that he sells real estate for a living has absolutely nothing to do with his continuous re-posting of the same messages.
Or should we just note—"Interesting that someone with a PhD in History is selling unreal stories for and on behalf of the Apartment Block." BIG AL hopes that the commission, if any, is half as good as that for selling real estate!
See if you can guess which of the two pictures of Fred Glaysher is his "real estate agent" picture, and which is his "literary guru" picture. When you've decided, click on the picture to find out.
Incidentally Fred, any chance of updating our link on your site?
A few kind and considerate souls (from SRB if you can believe that) have contacted me about the way Edward signs his letters. I will elucidate, for those of you fortunate enough not to have heard from him that he is wont to sign himself as Rt.Hon. Edward Smith Bt. Is Edward, some of you have asked, a genuine blueblood, a real aristocrat of noble lineage and marriageable thereby? Indeed yes! I tell you that Edward is highly marriageable but of the blueblood and aristocracy there is a slightly different slant for, if truth be told as it ought, being precious, the truth is that Edward acquired his noble lineage and the exalted aristocratic title of Baron Peover Le Wall (pronounced Peever) by means other than birthright—to be exact by the purchase of two square yards of English countryside and a bit of parchment from a company on the Internet which gathers up these vacant titles and transfers them to suitable applicants. All such applicants are, of course, most rigorously examined and assessed for their suitability for the title and have to submit a full curriculum vitae together with extensive references from persons of the highest probity whose credentials are most extensively verified. That a certain somewhat large sum of money has to be submitted is merely incidental and sufficient only to cover the extensive checking procedures etc.
Now BIG AL has heard stories of certain educational establishments, which openly sell degrees of dubious quality (life experience or some such drivel) on the Internet and various seedy journals. And! Shame on shame! These establishments are not accredited yet to openly purvey these wares. Let there be no mistake! Edward's title is fully accredited by the various bodies, which accredit these kinds of things. And the fact that he had to pay an odd sum or two has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that his Title is fully accredited.
Not too easy but—a "new security system" is in place—I understand that in future the Custodians have been asked to stagger their afternoon siestas and not all doze at the same time. We have also been led to believe that this eagle has had its wings clipped to prevent flight.
BIG AL spent an interesting night recently surfing the Administrative Site of the NEA of the United States. It's for BIGS only but it's easy to get into—just type in the name "HENDERSON" and the number 19191919—only joking. BIG AL uses his own number to get access!
Anyway, there was this sample letter which all the good lady BIGS were asked to fill out and send to their local politicians to get the US Senate to ratify the "United Nations' Convention on Elimination of all forms of Discrimination Against Women (the Women's Convention)" for International Women's Day. Isn't this strange coming from an organisation, which discriminates against women by denying them access to the supreme governing body? What these people won't do for cheap publicity to try to fool themselves and the world that they are really important and relevant. It really must stick in their throats to have to go and talk to politicians, whom they regard as the incarnation of all division in the community and whom they intend to replace just as soon as they dupe sufficient voters into returning Bahá'í candidates to public office.
"As Americans we already enjoy the protection of the Bill of Rights" is the best lulu in the entire letter. Notably the letter doesn't state that the rights and freedoms accorded the citizen in the Bill of Rights are not granted to members of the Bahá'í Faith. Ask those who have been denied knowledge of charges laid against them by the AO, who have been denied access to representation or counsel, who have been interrogated without witness, who have been threatened with excommunication, what the Bill of Rights means to the AO?
What HO!
BIG AL (and Edward)
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This is the one you have all been asking for, the one you have all been obligatorily praying for, the one you have all been waiting for. Yes Friends, this is the definitive review of this opus—all of the other reviews are of nothing compared to this, this is the crème de la crème of reviews the only one that carries any real weight in the world of the AO, all you little old BIGS, BIBS and BINS.
This is a weighty tome from old JR (shame he's not from Dallas; quite a hunk but not a patch on the original, although he has a similar reputation in the Apartment Block, especially with Old Man Barnes, who's a sort of distant relative of Cliff and Pam). It is a book that all BIGS should have—preferably the paper back edition that can be conveniently fitted into purses, handbags and jacket pockets. It is a book that should be carried by you at all times, that should be at your fingertips ready to be produced at all times of day or night wherever you may be, whatever you may be doing (Yes, even that!)
Of course if you are a good BIGS you won't read this book for it contains all sorts of things that a good BIGS wouldn't even care to consider. That's not the point of having it. The point of having it is that this is the book that all of those woolly liberals and dissidents spout and quote from. So the next time one of them comes up to you and says something like: -
"Oh! I was just reading the most amazing and relevant points in "Modernity and the Millennium"—I'm sure you haven't even thought of these types of postmodernist, Heggelian, pseudo Freudian, exegetical hypotheses which are manifestly incompatible with neo-classical architectural styles and Darwinian hermeneutics…"
Just slowly reach into your pocket, purse or handbag and slowly withdraw your hand with the paperback edition gently gripped between the fingers and with a gentle flourish, lightly deposit it on the nearest adjacent horizontal surface and look up straight into his eyes watching the look of horror slowly descending: -
"Oh! Yes! I have this book you mention."
"Ah! So! And what do you think of its central hypothesis?"
"Rubbish! Absolute rubbish!"
Yes indeed dear Friends! That's how you deal with these woolly liberals and dissidents, not to mention enemies of the Faith, Covenant Breakers, or worse!
This is a must have book, not for the Bahá'í library, but for your everyday Teaching!
Reviewer—Steve Wright-Outlandishburke
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Answers in an E-mail to ridgerunner@privacyx.com
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There have also been few details on new declarations—either there have been none or the Records Office is in siesta mode again.
Mere bagatelles like financial difficulties cannot dim the ardour or disguise the fact that a scent of change is in the air. A Boundary Commission is sitting to review the areas in which local assemblies are formed and there is a belief that this will result in a massive carve-up of existing areas in which many assemblies will be lost. The idea being sold to the community is that areas need to be smaller so as to foster a greater sense of community. If however the areas are made smaller resulting in a loss of assemblies, bearing in mind that many of these existent assemblies are marginal having around 9 members in the community, the net result will be a strengthening of the Auxiliary Board Members and their Assistants as the only institutions still in existence and capable of functioning. It is strange that it is the divinely ordained institution of the local assembly that is constantly being pressurised by the powers that be. Time and effort (and money) is put into everything from the Esperantists through the Training Institutes to the Regional Councils, none of which are divinely ordained yet the local assemblies face pruning and nobody seems to care. The National Assembly has, in recent years, dissolved at least two which have not subsequently reformed—in one case, the stated reason was "disunity," an AO byword for those who do not agree with or carry out what the AO has decreed.
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If you are interested in applying please send a detailed curriculum vitae of your covenantal activities. Completed applications should be sent to arrive not later than 25 December 2046, which is about the time most of the articles currently under review will be released for publication.
The Aptitude test is not especially difficult. Below is a sample question on it together with the correct answers: -
All of the following statements recently appeared in the US Bahá'í Update. They are all quotations from persons who visited the National Centre. They were submitted to the Review Panel for review. You are to note any modifications you would wish made to them before publication.
Time allowed is One Hour
Please note that Candidates are not to write on both sides of the paper simultaneously with the same pen.
ANSWER—This statement was amended in review to read: - "I feel so close to our National Assembly now. To say that I trust them implicitly is an understatement."
ANSWER—This statement was amended in review to read: - "As a Secretary it is helpful to know what department does what. It is amazing how few people in each department achieve all they do."
ANSWER—This statement was amended in review to read: - "I have a greater desire to execute my duties as an LSA member. I needed the inspiration to rise up and make use of the materials that we already have and I got it this weekend."
ANSWER—This statement was amended in review to read: - "I had a spiritual transformation seeing the level of sacrifice in our friends who work in our centre. The warmth and loving attitude and helpfulness of all the staff and the degree of awareness it gave me were particularly appreciated."
Note: The following alternative answer also is adjudged correct, indeed some think it is even better than the one above but the one above was actually used, because some cretin in the print shop hit the delete button by mistake. Boy! I wouldn't want to be in his shoes when Big Bob finds out!
"I had a spiritual transformation seeing the level of sacrifice in our friends who work in our centre. The warmth and loving attitude and helpfulness of all the staff and the Secretary in particular and the degree of awareness it gave me were particularly appreciated."
ANSWER—This statement was amended in review to read: - "This will definitely strengthen the relationship between our LSA and our NSA. The knowledge and understanding created by this visit, along with the wonderful hospitality shown us, can only improve the bond."
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Just two this month as I've been too busy organising Unit Conventions and arranging for the right delegates to be elected.
Here's a picture of a nice delegate I managed to get elected. And here's another picture of other nice delegates, whose election I also arranged. We can be sure that these wonderful delegates who are more than capable of asking searching questions and, consulting at length on the answers they don't get, will carelessly and conscientiously represent your community and its views at the Annual Convention.
Can you perhaps tell me what is the purpose of Devotional meetings?
Wow! That's a tough one! I've never been to one because, quite frankly, I've never seen the point. I mean, prayer is all very well, if you've nothing else to do, but our Assembly meetings and Feasts are so full of consultation and of course, the refreshments, that I really have been too busy to attend these Devotional things. These meetings, if you can credit it, are open to non-Bahá'ís after all and who has the time to spare for them? Certainly not me! I suppose they could be put to some use—after all we do have to assess prospective members to see if they come up to standard or not—fortunately, there are very few who do.
I enjoy going to Feast regularly particularly all of that wonderful Oriental food that is served. Unfortunately it gives me gas with immediate eructations. It has been noted that attendances have been falling and I am getting the blame. Have you any suggestions?
Yes! Stay very, very far away from me! Either that or get yourself a selection of corks and don't stand near windows!
I'm not sure if this is "covenantally challenging" behaviour or not. Have you consulted your ARSE about it? If he can't deal with the problem I'm sure there is some ARSE out there who can deal with it—possibly better than yours can!
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