Nick
didn't want to be there, sitting in the particularly
uncomfortable chairs on the set of the talk show that
he and the rest of the Backstreet Boys were currently
guests on. Nick looked out over the studio audience,
making doubly sure not to make eye contact again with
the guy interviewing them. Nick had already made that
mistake twice and had suffered dearly for it, having
to throw out some relatively pseudo-unrehearsed answers
in such a way that either the mob of adoring fans
thought was amusing and cute, or just inane and crazy.
He wasn't sure which of the two he had pulled off
but
Nick was sure that Kevin would address that point
in the verbal dressing down that he gave him after
the show, on the way back to the hotel.
Nick sighed
deeply. He was exhausted, mentally and physically.
The group had worked endlessly on recording and finishing
up their new album. Then they went "all-out"
on a worldwide promotion that took them around the
globe in just two days. Nick had seen himself drifting
away from the other guys before they even went into
the studio to start recording, but now he felt that
he had drifted so far he wasn't sure he would ever
make it back. To say the very least, not everything
was well in Backstreet Land.
It was a
week before Christmas and the tour was due to start
very soon. The guys were scheduled to be shipped off
to an undisclosed arena to practice their steps and
their show for a few weeks before their first performance.
Nick looked forward to have to stay and work non-stop
with the guys like any man would look forward to sticking
a red hot poker into his eye.
It wasn't
as if he hated his bandmates, far from it. It was
just that he felt like he wasn't part of their group
anymore. Brian and Kevin had gotten married this summer,
AJ had his girlfriend around, and Howie seemed to
never be without some companionship, whether it be
family or friends. And that left Nick as the odd man
out.
In as far
as his own private life was concerned, his ex Mandah
had split with Nick a few months prior to the release
of the new album.She was one person Nick was happy
to see completely out of his life. Nick was not one
to speak or even think badly of his ex-girlfriends,
but she was truly a bitch on a class that he had never
experienced before. Mandah had wormed her way into
his life and his career, then turned into this Medusa,
this terror, that scared not only the rest of the
guys, but himself at times.
Mandah was
the first woman, hell
the first person ever to
hit Nick and get away with it. Nick shook his head
slightly as he remembered how well and how often she
did hit him. Nick had never seen a woman who could
punch, kick and claw like Mandah did
and he had
the scars on his back, cheek, wrists and arms from
their less than civil encounters to prove it.
Nick finally
saw the line drawn in the sand after Mandah came to
his house one night when the guys were over and dragged
him outside into the yard in a fury. She broke his
nose with one well-placed punch that Nick had never
seen coming. Brian was by his side in an instant and
both he and Nick were shocked to see Leigh Anne run
up behind Mandah, grab hold of her hair and smash
her face repeatedly into the side of the house. After
Leigh Anne had tenderized Mandah to her liking, she
tossed her into a car and had security escort back
to her own home with instructions that she was never
to return.
Brian took
Nick to the hospital where he registered under his
Jive given pseudonym and had his nose set. Brian sat
on the side of the bed as the doctor performed the
procedure and held Nick's hand, rubbing it as he assured
Nick that everything would be allright now and that
the doctor would make it all better. Nick was relatively
surprised a week later when the doctor pulled off
the bandages and Nick saw that there was no change
in the way his nose looked, despite the two black
eyes he suffered from the break.
After that
episode, Nick pushed everyone, including his friends
and bandmates, out of his life. He felt that he was
nothing more than a nuisance to them after what had
happened that night with Mandah. Nick felt that he
wasn't able to handle his own problems and that he
was just causing the guys more trouble and heartache
than anything else.
On top of
everything else, Nick had begun to gain weight since
Mandah had left and he felt powerless to stop it.
Nick's weight had always been a constant bother to
him, though he honestly didn't see himself as fat
or
even close to being obese. On their previous concert
tour, Nick had gained about 15 lbs and though he had
to have some of his clothes let out and his costume
re-fitted. Medically speaking though, he still was
still well within the normal weight range for his
height and build.
Jive had
seen it differently and had leaned on the entire staff
of the tour to monitor exactly what went into the
youngest Backstreet Boys' mouth. With that kind of
babysitting, Nick had quickly lost the added pounds
and everyone had stopped taking notice. The press
and the fans still made a point of bringing it up,
much to Nick's embarrassment every time it was mentioned
publicly. Nick felt more and more ashamed of his body
and his inability to look the way everyone expected
him to. Nick tried not to think of how everyone was
gonna freak when he wore something tight and all the
weight that he had put on over the past month or so
suddenly became a lot more evident.
Nick pulled
himself out of his reverie and realized that the interview
was barely half over and that it seemed to be dragging
on for an interminable amount of time. Nick looked
over at Brian, who was sitting two chairs down from
him and sighed as he saw Brian writing something on
a tablet in front of him. Brian must have sensed Nick's
stare because he looked up and nodded to him. Nick
nodded back and then dropped his head down away from
Brian's stare.
Nick remembered
when Brian would sit beside him during interviews
and the two would play hangman on Brian's notepad
to pass some of the time. It seemed like that too
had stopped lately, and the loss of those kind of
little things made Nick miss those early days. After
Brian had gotten married, Nick noticed that he saw
less and less of his best friend, who had taken to
long days at home with his wife when he could get
them, or out on the golf course or basketball court
when he had any free time. Nick sighed as he realized
that his friend was married now and didn't have time
to sit and play nanny to him anymore. He had more
important things to look out for now
and Nick
was not one of them.
The more
Nick thought of it, the more he wished that he could
drop out of band and out of the public eye and save
them any more of his problems and drama. Nick was
nothing but a problem, at least, that is how he felt.
Nick's head
popped up as he heard his name mentioned and he plastered
on the closest thing he could muster to a smile and
nodded.
Kevin hissed
softly at him and Nick realized that he should have
been paying a little more attention to the interview
because he had no idea what he was smiling and nodding
at.
Howie jumped
in and covered for Nick and Nick let out his breath
and nudged Howie in thanks for the cover. Howie looked
at Nick for a second and Nick could tell that Howie
was angry behind his smile because of the look of
his eyes. Nick could always tell when the guys were
angry with him
each one had their individual
way of showing it. Kevin's was to yell or hiss or
growl, AJ's was to call him a "dumbass"
or something like that, Howie's was to throw an icy
stare or a disdainful head shake his way, and Brian's
was just not talking to him
or ignoring him until
he cooled off and forgot about what had made him angry
in the first place.
Right now,
it seemed by the array of angry vibes he was picking
up on, Nick had pissed off everyone
well, except
for Brian, who's head was still buried in his notepad,
writing furiously.
Nick sighed
and got up to stretch when the interview was over
and then asked the nearest gaffer where the restroom
was. Nick hurried off to the bathroom while Kevin
fumed at being denied his sermon. Nick went into the
bathroom and rushed to the last stall, sitting down
on the lid and putting his head in his hands. As he
sat there, a bunch of kids came in and were talking.
"Aren't
they awesome?!?"
"Yeah
well
except
Nick
is he like a space cadet today or what?"
Nick sighed
and then sat still as more voices spoke up.
"Brian
is quiet today too. I wonder if they're feeling OK?"
"I dunno....I
think Nick looks upset. I hope he's OK."
"How
would you know?"
"I dunno...He
just looked upset...you know?"
Nick looked
up and realized the voice was coming from right in
front of him and that the young boy was standing at
the sink a few feet in front of his stall.
"You
might be right. He looks like he kinda gained some
weight too
.maybe he is upset. If he is, I hope
that he'll be OK too."
Nick sighed,
wondering if he really was so transparent or if the
kids in the bathroom were just exceptionally bright.
"Wasn't
that cool of Brian tho
telling everyone that
he had been sitting there writing a letter to Santa
Claus."
Nick's head
shot up and his single thought was so loud it was
almost audible. 'WHAT?!'
"Yeah.
That's pretty cool. I wonder if it's for real
or
if he's just writing a song
or playing hangman
or something so he doesn't have to answer as many
questions."
Nick suppressed
a knowing giggle as the kids headed out of the bathroom.
After they left, he got up and headed out himself.
Kevin grabbed
him three feet away from the bathroom and quickly
ushered him out to the waiting limousine.
"Where
were you?"
"In
the bathroom."
"NO
In
the interview
.you certainly weren't with the
rest of us in the interview. Jeez Nick
you looked
like you didn't even care!"
Nick put
his head down and sighed and remained quiet as he
listened to Kevin's sermon in the limousine and was
never so happy to see a hotel as he was when they
arrived at the one where they were staying.
Nick walked
to the first elevator and smiled as Brian got on and
immediately hit the close door button and the elevator
took the two of them to their floor.
"I think
Kevin needs to retire and become a preacher."
Nick laughed
in spite of himself. He had never heard Brian crack
on his cousin and it was pretty funny.
"Yeah.
He missed his calling. But I hear that there's always
openings at those "snake handlin'-holy roller"
churches for a man with his mouth...er...his talents."
Brian laughed
and nodded. "Mmmm...I'll have to start leaving
brochures for him to read on that."
Nick giggled
as the doors opened to their floor. The two men made
their way quietly down the hall to the bank of rooms
that they had reserved. Nick was unlocking his door
when he heard Brian clear his voice from behind him.
"Like
some company?"
Nick nodded
and opened the door and waved Brian in. Brian smiled
and walked into the room.
Brian sat
down on the bed and smiled as Nick sat down on the
opposite side of the bed and held up the remote.
"Wanna
watch TV?"
Brian shook
his head and looked at Nick with concern.
"Are
you OK, Nick?"
Nick looked
over at Brian and met his gaze.
"Yeah
I
guess so."
Brian shook
his head.
"You
never used to lie to me. Why start now?"
Nick closed
his eyes and let out his breath.
"Well
I
guess I just don't know. I feel like I'm holding everyone
back, Brian. I feel like a bother...a pest. That everyone
still has to baby me, like they always used to when
we first started. I can't even deal with my own problems
and I just think the group would be better off without
me."
Brian's eyes
widened.
"What?
Why do you think that? Because of today? Because of
Mandah?"
Nick shrugged.
Brian held
out his hand and grabbed Nick's and held onto it tight.
"Frack.
You're not a bother to us and you never hold us back.
We're a team. We can't work without you. We need you
now just as much as we ever did. And as for Mandah
she
didn't really love you, did she? If she did, she wouldn't
have tried to hurt you
" Brian said, then
smiled and attempted to lighten the mood, "or
dent the side of your house with her face. Yow! That
had to have hurt!"
Nick giggled.
"There's this oily splotch there
on the
side of the house that's the shape of her face
it's
like the Shroud of Turin
only not as old
I
wonder if people will think it's a religious artifact
2000 years from now."
Brian snorted.
"If it's her face, it's pretty doubtful. But
Nick...don't shut me out. I'm not mad at you, Frack.
I just feel like I am losing touch with you...with
someone I really care about."
Nick looked
at Brian and his lip began to quiver.
"But
you have your own family now Brian, You don't need
to be babysitting me anymore."
Brian looked
down at Nick and shook his head.
"I've
never had to babysit you, Nick. When we hung out,
it's always because we're friends and because I enjoy
being around you. I thought you knew that."
Brian got
up off the bed and sighed then shook his head and
walked out the door and across the hall, back to his
own room.
Nick sat
there, stunned and upset by Brian's words, realizing
that he'd been wrong. Instead of dealing with his
problems and moving on with his life with the help
of his friends, he had mired himself, wallowing in
his own pain and self pity. And, in doing so, he had
pushed away his one chance for help, his best friend
and he had hurt him deeply in doing so. Nick sighed
and looked up to see Brian's notepad sitting on the
nightstand by the bed.
"I wonder
if he really was writing a letter to Santa."
Nick thought as he grabbed the pad and flipped up
the cover sheet.
Nick smiled
as he recognized an unfinished hangman game and some
of Brian's doodling.Nick turned to the next page and
scanned the text and gasped as the words registered
in his mind. This was the letter Brian had said he
was writing...it was to Santa Claus...and it was about
him.
Dear Santa-
I know a lot of people
think that, at 25, I am too old to believe in Santa
Claus. I even thought I had outgrown you until about
7 years ago. About 7 years ago, at Christmas, you
gave me the best present ever and that's when I started
to believe in you again.
The group had just started
coming together and I felt really out of place. I
felt like I didn't belong and that's when I met Nick.
Nick was this cool kid with this amazing voice and
he and I got to talking and next thing I knew we became
friends and all the feelings I had about not fitting
in went away. Then, while singing and touring, we
just hung out so much that we became the best of friends.
Nick and I became so close that I began to consider
him a part of my family, my brother...my Frack.
Santa, you gave me the
best present that Christmas when you gave me my best
friend Nick, and I don't know what I did to deserve
being friends with such a great guy.
A few years ago, when
I had to have my heart surgery, Kevin said that Nick
sat by my bed for hours after I got out of the Operating
Room, just sitting with me until I woke up. I kinda
remember hearing him talk as I came to, tho I can't
remember everything he said because of the drugs they
gave me
but I do remember hearing him prayin'
for me and asking God that I be OK
that I live.
I knew then that I just
wanted to get through the recovery just so that I
could stick around with Nick because he's really special
to me. So special that I sometimes wish the rest of
the world could know him like I know him. And that
they could love him like I love him. He's the best
friend I've ever had. I love him so much that I'd
be lost if anything ever happened to him
or to
our friendship.
But now, Santa, it seems
that I've done something wrong
That I've taken
a wrong turn, because Nick is moving away from me.
He and I don't talk or hang out much anymore, and
I've noticed that since he broke up with that psycho
Mandah girl, he doesn't like to be around me. He doesn't
say it in so many words, but I can tell in his eyes
like
just now as I write you this letter. I just looked
up and our eyes met and I nodded at him and he just
looked away like he didn't want to see me.
I don't know what I'd
do if he ever left me or the group.
Santa, I don't know what
to do to make things go back to being the way they
were between us. I don't know what to say to him to
make him want to talk to me or hang out with me anymore.
But Santa, that's all
I want
really.
I want my best friend
my
brother, my Frack back the way he was.
I want things back the way they were between all the
guys.
I just want Nick to be OK again.
-Brian Littrell
Nick's
face was wet with tears as he finished the letter
and he heard a noise from the hall and turned to see
Brian as he walked into the room.
"Nick?
Have you seen my notebook? Oh...Frack? Are you OK?"
Nick nodded
and got up off the bed and walked over to Brian and
grabbed him into a tight hug. Nick let go and handed
him his notepad, still open to the letter.
"I'm
sorry I acted the way I did, Brian
I just didn't
think anyone cared
that I had just become a problem
to you guys and that you'd all be better off without
me."
Brian moved
to protest but Nick grabbed him into another fierce
hug.
"I love
you too, Frick. I'm so sorry that I closed up on you
and pushed you away. I hurt you and I won't ever do
that again."
Brian pulled
back from Nick and looked down at the letter on his
notepad as it fell out of his hand and onto the bed
and he smiled as he felt his own tears fall down his
cheeks. Brian looked up as if to the heavens and smiled
widely.
"Thank
you, Santa Claus!"
The End
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