And
Now...It Begins....
The wedding was four months off when the
coughing started, strong deep coughs that hurt his chest,
bringing up some blood with hard yellow phlegm and leaving
him physically spent for hours after they subsided. Patrick
had known what was the cause before the doctor was finished
taking the blood from his arm.
The time in the waiting room dragged on
interminably, until the doctor, his face set like slate, come
out, bent down towards Patrick and murmured, "Let's go
into my office for a few minutes." The doctor sat down
behind his desk and put his hands together, forming a steeple
with his fingers. "Patrick, we have detected the HIV
antibodies in your blood, and the low levels of T-cells in
your blood samples lead me to believe that you have been HIV+
for quite some time. The words were not a complete surprise,
but the doctor might as well have been a judge handing
down the death penalty.
Silence fell over the room as Patrick sat
there, his body bent forward, looking more at the floor than
at the doctor in front of him. "How long?", Patrick
whispered, his voice cracking, determined as he was not to
become too emotional.
"What was that?", the doctor
asked, not hearing Patrick's question.
"How long do you think....?"
Patrick's voice trailed off in the middle of the question,
as he looked up at the doctor.
"Well," the doctor shrugged,
"If we had found out earlier, we could have maybe gotten
you on a drug cocktail that could have kept your T-cell count
high and begin to reduce your HIV viral load."
"Dude, " Patrick asked, "I
didn't ask for a shoulda, coulda, woulda scenario, I asked
how long I have to live as I am." Patrick swallowed hard,
his throat burning from the effort, and his mouth tasting
of bile.
The doctor looked at Patrick, a slight
frown on his face, he obviously hated this part of his job
and would easily trade this duty for four straight shifts
in the ER during a disaster. "As you are on no drugs
geared towards extending your life, I would say that you have,
as you are, three, maybe four months to live. That time may
be
extended if we start you on some medication today and keep
a close guard on your health status."
The laugh was unexpected, but it felt good,
almost cleansing, so Patrick let it continue, laughing harder
and harder and louder until he could barely breath and his
chest was heaving so hard that his throat started to tickle
and he knew the coughing was about to begin. He wasn't sure
when the laughing turned into crying, but the next thing he
knew the doctor had gotten up, grabbed a moist towel and was
leaning over Patrick, holding it against his head and holding
him in his arms.
"It's all right, man, just go ahead
and let it out, " the doctor held him tightly rocking
him back and forth tears falling gently from both their eyes.
The walk home and the next two weeks all
seemed to melt together and Patrick seemed to be just going
through the motions of living. He had called a hospice and
gotten that all straightened away and then made arrangements
for his burial and gotten his will all straightened away,
now he had to tell his family and his lover Mike.
He went into the living room and grabbed
the wedding invite to his sisters' wedding and took it into
the bedroom where his boyfriend Mike lay watching the television.
"Hey cutie", Mike said, looking
up "What's up?? Why have you been so funked out?"
Patrick looked down and started to cry,
he just couldn't stop himself.
"What!?!" Mike said, jumping
up and holding onto him. "What's the matter?"
"I'm dying." Patrick sobbed,
"I'm dying."
"We're all gonna die someday.",
Mike said, trying to calm his lover down.
"NO!", Patrick cried, "I
went to the doctor and he said I'll be dead before August."
"What?", Mike said, "No,
this isn't right, not you." Mike began to cry. "I
love you", he said.
Patrick looked up and said, "I love
you too. I think that is the first time you've ever said it
first."
Mike smiled, "I like to wait for just
the right moment, I am a drama queen."
At this, Patrick looked at his lover and
giggled, Mike giggled back and they both giggled some more
and shook their heads.
"Well, what do we do now?", Mike
asks, the somber mood returning with full force.
"I have made all the preparations
for myself and you should be taken care of as well."
Patrick replied, "I am having the house signed over to
your name and I have you down as the beneficiary in my life
insurance."
"That's not what I meant Patrick!"
Mike snapped, hurt by his lovers' thoughtfulness. "What
do you want to do now...us, I mean...what's going to happen
to us?"
"It's halfway up to you", Patrick
said, "you can leave me if you don't want to be around
me when I get sick or we can live it out together till I have
to go to the hospice."
Mike twitched, his head moving slightly
as if the words hurt his ears as much as they did his heart,
"Leave you?? I would never leave you, that isn't what
I meant. I love you now and I will always love you."
Mike and Patrick hugged and spent a few
moments quietly embracing. "Have you told your folks?"
Mike asked nervously, as if Patrick's mother would walk in
at any time and take him away.
"Not yet, I don't want to mess up
my sister's wedding." Patrick replied.
"Are you going to go to the wedding?"
Mike asked.
"If I live that long, it is still
several months away. I am supposed to find a song to play
for my dance with my sister." Patrick smiled. "I
want you to go", Patrick said, "whether I live to
go as well or not, that way you can dance with her in my place."
"I dunno...." Mike said uncertainly.
"Please, please go to the wedding."
Patrick whispered, the tears starting again and the realization
began to dawn on Mike that Patrick would not, short of a miracle,
be around for the wedding."
Two months had passed and Patrick's health
slowly began to deteriorate. Patrick almost never went out
in public, instead choosing to take small walks around the
yard of the house. Patrick had finally decided on a song for
his sister's wedding, and brought out the CD to play for Mike.
"What song is it, again?", Mike
asked as Patrick put the CD in the tray of the player and
started it.
"I decided between NSYNC's "God
Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You" and 98 Degrees'
"I Do", I chose NSYNC, cause I like them a lot and
the song is really beautiful.", Patrick replied as he
pressed the play button.
As the song played out, Mike looked over
at Patrick and was stunned at the look of hopelessness and
sadness on his face. Mike walked over and hugged Patrick from
behind, squeezing him gently but firmly.
As the song ended, Mike kissed Patrick
on the side of the neck and whispered tenderly, "I can't
wait to see you dance with her at the wedding. I bought the
plane tickets to the wedding today."
Patrick smiled and turned around, hugging
Mike tightly.
Later that night, Mike grabbed all of the
Teen Beat magazines that Patrick had bought with NSYNC on
the cover and sat down and read them cover to cover. Finally,
on the last magazine, Mike found what he was looking for and
proceeded to write down the information. Mike sat up late
that night, composing a letter that he hoped would bring about
the miracle that would get Patrick to live to see his sister's
wedding.
(the letter)
To The
Guys In *NSYNC:
Hello. My name
is Mike Roberts. I am writing this letter to you to ask you
guys for assistance. I know that you guys are busy touring
and recording, but one of your biggest fans needs your help.
His name is Patrick Morrow, and he is my lover. He was diagnosed
with AIDS two months ago, his health is deteriorating, and
he was given only a few months to live. He loves your music
and has chosen your song, "God Must Have Spent A Little
More Time On You", as the song that he and his sister
are to dance to at her wedding in August.
However, he is
very upset about his illness and it seems that his will to
live is fading as quickly as his health. If he doesn't stay
strong, mentally and physically, I don't think he'll live
long enough to see August. I know it's a lot to ask, but if
you could write a letter to him, send a card, or call him
and chat for a few minutes, it might be the difference between
him living to see this wedding and it being called off on
account of his funeral.
Please help him....I
will do anything...give you anything I have, if you could
find a way to help him. I know that you get a lot of fan requests
and all, but this is truly a matter of life and death.
Please....
Thank You,
Mike Roberts
917 East Rosemary Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina 27514
(919) 967-0185
Mike addressed the envelope with the address
he found in the magazine and mailed it off the next morning,
saying a prayer as he dropped it off at the post office.
Six weeks passed and the wedding was less
than a month away. Patrick lay in bed, weak, he felt too tired
to move. Lately, he had begun to sleep more, and his energy
seemed to be ebbing away. As he sat up in bed, the phone began
to ring. He reached over and grabbed the phone.
"Hello?", Patrick said.
"Hello....is this Patrick or Mike?",
the voice on the other end asked.
"This is Patrick", replied Patrick,
"Can I help you?"
"Patrick", the voice said cheerfully,
"I am calling to see about you, how you are. This is
JC Chasez from NSYNC"
"JC?...from *NSYNC?!?", Patrick
said, sitting bold upright in the bed, "Is this some
kinda joke? Why would you be calling me, assuming you are
JC?" JC giggled, "I have a letter here from your
lover, Mike. He sent it to our fan mail address in Florida.
He had it marked urgent and had sent it priority. That got
the attention of the mail sorter who read it and passed it
to our management, who then gave it to me....Whew...that was
a long explanation!"
"A letter from Mike?", Patrick
queried aloud, "Why did he write to you...and about me?"
"Patrick...", JC replied quietly,
"Mike wrote us and asked if we could call and cheer you
up, try to get your spirits up so that you can make your sister's
wedding. The letter was very....moving."
"JC??", Patrick said worriedly
as he heard JC start to cry.
"Patrick?", said another voice
over the line, "This is Lance. JC kinda can't talk right
now...he's kinda upset."
"Upset?!?", Patrick replied with
concern, "Tell him I am sorry for whatever I said...tell
him I do believe he's JC."
"Its not about that, Patrick.",
Lance said quietly, "JC is upset over your situation
and the letter kinda hit a soft spot on him."
"Oh....could you put him back on for
a second, I wanna just tell him something.", Patrick
asked politely.
The phone made a noise as it was passed
from Lance back to JC. A stifled sob was heard and JC coughed
lightly. "Hi"
"JC", Patrick began, "Did
you ever wonder where the expression, "don't cry over
spilled milk" came from?"
"No", JC said quietly, wondering
where the conversation was leading.
"It's a old saying that farmers brought
about when they milked their cows by hand. Not all the milk
would always shoot into their buckets....some would spray
into the hay around the bucket. Farmers knew that they got
the majority of the milk in the bucket and to cry over what
little didn't make it would be illogical.", Patrick said
matter-of-factly. "You have millions of fans in the world.
Every year, some die, but the majority remain."
JC began to cry again, "But....but
you're not milk you dumbass!! You're young! You have a boyfriend
that loves you! You should be able to live all your life with
him. It's not right! It's just not fair!!"
The phone was abruptly taken away from
JC, though his sobbing was still clearly audible in the background.
"Patrick", said yet another,
more familiar voice, "This is Justin. I am really sorry
about JC. We're supposed to be cheering you up and calling
you a dumbass really isn't what we had in mind."
"No problem, Justin", Patrick
replied with a small chuckle, "It took me a while to
get past what JC is going through. I kept thinking how unfair
it was...now it's just gonna happen. I know it and have come
to handle it. Well...enough about my sickness, OK....lets
just talk. How is the tour coming? I went to a concert last
summer and it was AWESOME....even back in the lawn seats I
had. Y'all are the best performers!"
"The new tour...its goin real well!",
Justin said excitedly, "We have a great schedule....its
not as hectic as the last one is and gives us a day, sometimes
two between shows where we can rest up....and the extra rest
really shows up. This concert will blow the last one away!"
"Wow...I hope I am up to seeing it
when you guys get here!", Patrick said hopefully, "I
thought the last one was da bomb!...if this one is tons better...I'll
be really wowed!"
"Well...good thing you said that,
Patrick", Justin chuckled, "As it happens, we will
be performing in Columbus, Ohio, the day after your sister's
wedding....and we were wondering if you wanted to come and
see us?"
"Wow! REALLY?!?", Patrick said
loudly, "I'd love to be there!"
"Cool!", Justin and another voice
said just as loudly.
"Hey Patrick!", said the new
voice, "This is Joey. I am psyched that you will be coming
to see us. Just stay well OK...we wanna see you dancin' at
the concert, man!"
"Well", Patrick laughed, "I
dunno about that...but I will definitely try to stay strong
enough to stand all through the concert and yell myself hoarse...that
sound good?"
"HAHAHA!", Joey laughed loudly,
"That sounds like a deal to me, man!"
"Patrick?", a new voice said
quietly.
"Chris?", Patrick replied questioningly.
"How are ya doin? Really? You sure
you're gonna be able to make it? We're all dying to see you,
ya know? Oh...JEEZ, Patrick....just forget I said that, please!"
"Don't worry Chris", Patrick
laughed, "I know it's a figure of speech. I am dying
to see you guys too!!"
"Aww...Patrick", Chris sighed,
"I am sorry.....really I am!"
"No problem.", Patrick said quickly,
"Hey....Thank you guys so much for calling to see how
I am and for inviting me. I am really psyched up that I get
to see you in concert again. I chose your song to dance to
with my sister at her wedding. It'll be cool to see you perform
it live the next day."
"Hey Patrick...Lance wants to talk
to you again real quick...hang on.", Chris said.
"Patrick? We were wondering if you
were allowed to have some company with you at your sister's
wedding?", Lance asked shyly.
"Yeah! You guys wanna come? It's supposed
to be an informal ceremony, so the more the merrier!",
Patrick said lightly.
"Awesome! This will give us a chance
to hang out all together and meet your folks and sisters.",
Lance said excitedly.
"Yeah. It should make for a memorable
wedding, at least. Let's try to keep the press to a minimum
though. I don't know how my sister would like the press and
they might get my mom mad....and that would be a really BAD
thing....cause she will remove them....physically, if need
be. She's a tough old broad.", Patrick chuckled.
"Hey Patrick....its JC again.",
JC stated, grabbing the phone from Lance. 'Are you sure its
gonna be OK for us to come?"
"Yeah.", Patrick replied, "My
sister is probably going to be really excited about it. She's
a youth minister and likes your music a lot too, as do her
younger charges. I just hope she can keep them under control.
The less female hysterics, outside of the actual ceremony,
the better."
"I agree with you there, man!",
JC said with a laugh, "So....We'll see you in a few weeks,
then, huh?"
"I will be there....with bells on.",
Patrick laughed.
"Hmmm....", JC chuckled, "Bells....is
that in fashion for weddings these days?"
As Patrick and JC giggled to each other,
the door opened and Mike walked in and sat down on the bed
too.
"Hey", Patrick said to JC, "Someone
just came in that you probably wanna talk to....hang on, lemme
put him on!"
Mike looked up at Patrick as he was handed
the phone and mouthed "who is it?". Patrick just
smiled and told him to say hello.
"Hello?", Mike said into the
receiver.
"Hi Mike? This is JC Chasez from NSYNC.
We got your letter. We were all really moved by it and so
we decided to call today and talk with Patrick."
"JC! The letter!", Mike said
excitedly, looking at Patrick, who was smiling from ear to
ear. "I am so glad that it made it through to you guys."
"My managers gave it to me last week
and after I stopped crying on it, I let the others read it.
We all had the same reaction and knew that we needed to get
in touch as soon as possible.", JC explained. "We
invited Patrick and you to our show, which will be in Columbus
the day after his sister's wedding. Patrick also invited us
to his sister's wedding. Don't tell him, but we plan on singing
that song for him live there when he and his sister have their
dance."
"OH...that's awesome!", Mike
said happily, as his eyes teared up. "This is so awesome...I
am so glad I wrote that letter. You guys are really the best.
I can't tell you how much this means...." Mike choked
up for a second as he looked at Patrick sitting up on the
bed, looking much improved.
"Don't think anything of it, Mike.
We wouldn't want to be anywhere else.", JC stated calmly.
"You just keep him healthy, OK? Me and the guys are all
lookin' forward to seeing you both. Hey....we gotta go....But
do me a favor, give Patrick a hug for me and tell him I didn't
mean to call him a dumbass! I was just angry at the world
because I don't think its right that he should be sick and
dying. Tell him I wouldn't make a good farmer, because I would
care about spilled milk, OK Mike?"
"Sure, JC", Mike said with a
laugh at JC's cryptic remark, "I'll tell him! We both
look forward to seeing you all too. See you in a few weeks.
Bye!"
"Wow!", Mike said with a laugh,
"I'll never make fun of your music again. Those guys
are awesome!"
"Yeah. I can't believe they called
me. That must have been some letter!", Patrick grinned.
"JC wanted to apologize for calling
you a dumbass", Mike said, changing the subject away
from the letter and back to the phone call, "He said
he'd make a lousy farmer, cause he would care about spilled
milk. What is that? Code? What does that mean?"
Patrick laughed and explained the conversation
to Mike who also laughed. As Patrick finished up the story,
the excitement of the day caught up with him and he was asleep
before he could finish the story.
Mike covered Patrick up and kissed his
forehead, then curled up beside him and took a nap.
Patrick was up at nine the next morning
and the rest of the week, and continued to improve, looking
even healthier each day than he did the previous day. Patrick
began to gain back some of the weight he had lost and was
back to taking walks around the house and yard. In two weeks
time, he looked much recovered and
possessed of a great deal more vim, vigor and the will to
live. At his weekly doctor's appointment, his viral load was
down some 40% and his t-cell count had gained some major ground.
The doctor, shocked by his sudden, almost miraculous improvement,
prescribed a drug cocktail that would enhance his recovery
further and really kick start his immune system.
Patrick was beside himself when a small
box was delivered to him from Orlando. Inside were two front
row seats to the show, two backstage passes to the Columbus
NSYNC show. Along with the tickets was a note from JC expressing
his and the groups excitement at seeing them in just a few
days. In the p.s., JC had written his cell phone number and
asked Patrick and Mike to call if they ever needed to talk
or anything.
"Cool!", Patrick smiled,
"I might call him and tell him how I have been doing.
I'll tell him I might take Joey up on his offer of dancing
at the concert!"
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