This page contains some of the funniest jokes I've been forwarded via email. (There will be a second page up soon).
An Engineer's Perspective on Santa Claus
Having Fun with Telemarketers
Cigarette Industry takes Responsibility
God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
Gadfly's Online Christian Bondage and Domination Store
Excerpts from Real Resumes
Children's Book Titles You'll Never See
Things We'd Like to See on Company Motivational Posters
The Nun takes over the Confessional
A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister, and a Rabbi...
World Ideologies Explained by Reference to Cows
SANTA CLAUS:
An Engineer's PerspectiveThere are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them ---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously,exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
Merry Christmas!
Rick Martinson
Manager, Digital Audio Broadcast Systems
Westinghouse Wireless Solutions Co.
HAVING FUN WITH TELEMARKETERS1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
4. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
5. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
7. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
8. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
9. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Now you know how I feel."
The tobacco industry launched a $10 million advertising campaign to discourage children from smoking cigarettes by claiming that "smoking is too cool and sexy for kids." The full-page ads began appearing in major newspapers today with a message aimed at trying to convince America's youth that smoking cigarettes is not a wise choice. "Smoking constitutes an act of rebellion that will anger your parents and other people of authority in your life. It will say that you don't play by the rules, don't want to be told what to do and don't believe all the propaganda that's intended to scare you away from something that provides so much refreshing taste and satisfaction that it's alive with pleasure. Therefore we who manufacture cigarettes urge you not to give in to such temptations and take up smoking," an excerpt from the text of the ad states. One of the tobacco executives behind the campaign said he hopes this will help convince the public that his industry is sincere in reforming its past practices of targeting children with their products. "We think this will go a long way toward public support for the tobacco deal," he said.
GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper __ Other Book __ Television __ Divine Inspiration __ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Bible __ Other __ Torah (specify): _____________2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Yaweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost __ Jehova __ Jesus __ Allah __ Satan3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ NoIf no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
_____________________________________________________4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in who to hate __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Dislike thinking for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of death __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music __ Need to feel Morally Superior5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin __ Cthulhu __ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar __ Apollo __ Left Wing Liberalism __ Ra __ Barney the Big Purple Dinosaur __ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ Bill Clinton __ The Moon __ A burning cabbage __ The Bomb __ Other: ________________6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll __ Biorythms __ Bill Clinton __ Tea Leaves __ EST __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert __ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other: ___________________ __ Barney Fife __ None7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know ... what's Divine Intervention?8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 SPAM 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 b. Miracles rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own 1 2 3 4 5 clocks Saddam Husein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5 Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 59. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
_________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________Thank you!
GADFLY'S ONLINE CHRISTIAN BONDAGE AND DOMINATION STORE
In support of the recent Southern Baptist edict that women should "submit to their husbands", we have acquired an inventory of beginning B&D supplies for the Baptist couple eager to explore the righteous ways of wife domination.
1) Starter kit: leather masks with zippers and cat 'o nine tails. The masks are clearly emblazoned with Fish symbols on the forehead area.
2) Nipple Clamps of the Holy Trinity: Three brass nipple clamps held together with golden chains of appropriate length, allowing the masterful husband many options in attaching the third "Holy Spirit" clamp.
3) Mary Magdalene's Leather Pants: The "cheekless" design allows full access to spanking surfaces when the wife is in her proper penitent, kneeling position.
4) Wrath of God: a 12-foot bullwhip of black cowhide on a Communion chalice handle for putting the fear of God into wives who have strayed (e.g., thinking for themselves or having an opinion with no regard for the damage this causes the family).
5) The Rack of St. Stephen: Sturdy construction with heavy, fur-lined wrist and ankle restraints. Can be spun upside down for the St. Paul variant.
6) The Archangel: Large punishment phallus of sufficient diameter and length to make any wayward wife admit her heretical ways and beg forgiveness.
7) The Judas Wand: A handsome vibrator that works well for five minutes then shuts down automatically, leaving the wife more dependent than ever on her Master.
8) Riding Crop of the Pharasees: Teach your wife the ways of the Lord with this sturdy handcrafted riding crop.
9) Anointment: a thick, non-toxic balm scented with myrrh and frankincense. Perfect for easing the pain of heavily welted skin.
THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS AND WERE PRINTED IN THE JULY 21, 1997 ISSUE OF FORTUNE MAGAZINE.1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
Childrens Book Titles You'll Never See:
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly!
How to Dress Sexy for Grownups
Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer...Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Bi-Curious George
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
You Are Different and That's Bad
Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational Posters
1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2) It's only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (We suck less!)
7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
8) We put the "k" in "kwality."
9) Artificial Intelligence in no match for Natural Stupidity
10) A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
11) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
12) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.....
13) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
14) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
15) Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
16) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.
17) Plagiarism saves time.
18) If at first you don't succeed - try management.
19) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.
20) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
21) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
A priest is in the confessional giving penance one day, and he realizes that he has to take a leak. He waves over a nearby nun and says to her, "Sister, please deliver penance for a short while as I must perform a necessary function." The nun agrees, but looks a little puzzled. "Father, how will I know what penance to give to whom?" The priest replies, "There's a little list on the wall. Consult it and it'll tell you what to do." and he runs off. A few minutes later, a man walks into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have stolen from my neighbor." The nun looks at the list on the wall and finds stealing on the list. "Say two Hail Marys and be on your way." She thinks to herself, this isn't too hard. A few minutes later, another fellow walks in. "Father forgive me, for I have sinned." he says. "I have fornicated." The nun looks on the list and finds fornication. She says to him "Say two Hail Marys and an Our Father and be on your way." She then starts thinking , "this isn't hard at all! I could do this more often!" A third man walks in and says, " Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I had oral sex," The nun looks at the list on the wall but she can't find a listing for oral sex. She looks around nervously and spots an altar boy. She pulls him aside and asks him, " What does the Father give for oral sex?" The boy replies, "I don't know what he gives you, Sister, but he gives me two Snickers bars and a pat on the head."
SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS: 1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. 4. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 5. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 6. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 7. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 8. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. A fool and his money are soon partying. 11. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 13. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 14. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 15. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 16. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 17. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 18. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 19. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? 20. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 21. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 22. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
So, this guy is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology", says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone!"
The man below says, "You must be a manager!"
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. And, you're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it's my fault!"
A Jewish lawyer, troubled by the way his son had turned out, went to see his rabbi. "I brought him up in the faith, and spent a fortune to educate him!" the fellow complained. "Now he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi! Where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the rabbi. "I too brought up my boy in the faith. Put him through Yeshiva University. Spent a fortune! Then one day he tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?"
"I turned to God for the answer."
"And what did God say?"
"He said, 'Funny you should come to me..."
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.
Priest: "I would like someone to say 'He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous.'"
Minister: "I would like someone to say 'He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners.'"