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X2 (X-Men 2)
(Reviewed April 15, 2003)
-
The best way to sum up what a huge disappointment this flick is: I have absolutely no desire to see it again, even though I liked most of the first "X-Men" and have been a comics collector most of my life.
Remember how the best parts of the first "X-Men" all took place BEFORE the wham-bam-biff action started on Liberty Island? Getting to know the characters and seeing them interact as people was more fun than watching the tedious, badly directed slugfest finale. Well, "X2" is pretty much ALL "tedious, badly directed slugfest finale." While the prospect of wall-to-wall action might sound appealing, it ends up being watch-checkingly boring, not to mention campy. No kidding, I couldn't help groaning "Jesus, will this ever end?" about a half-hour before the credits rolled, as the fight scenes went on and on and on. (And on. This sucker clocks in at well over two hours, so make sure you take your Ritalin ahead of time so you don't accidentally miss a dose, kiddies.)
There is also the fact that the presence of Rebecca Romijn-Stamos' Mystique character once again makes the entire proceedings idiotic. I'm sorry, but having a character who can morph into an exact replica of anyone--in the person's clothes, too, no less!--is even stupider than Tom Cruise wearing a fake face in "Mission Impossible." (I do have to give her points in the costume department, though. I mean, she essentially is stark naked and dipped in blue paint. In one memorable scene, she is positioned to treat us to a full boob-profile, showing the entire outline and undercurve of one of those sweet, sweet melons. But I digress.) Yes, I realize that a movie that includes characters who are telepathic, adamantium-clawed, eyebeam-equipped, etc., is not exactly realistic to begin with, but some things just go over the line...
Halle Berry seems thoroughly uninvolved and zombified as Storm, whose hair color switches from yellow-blond to white from scene to scene. James Marsden as Cyclops is given just about nothing to do (and apparently will have even less to do as Jesse Custer in the "Preacher" movie, since it looks as if that project is never going to get off the ground). Anna Paquin (Rogue) looks kind of puffy and embarrassed. Famke Janssen is still pretty hot as Jean Grey, lust object for Hugh Jackman's Wolverine, but the soap-operatics between the two are strictly by the numbers. Patrick Stewart as Professor X and Ian McKellen as Magneto once again do a pretty impressive job of slumming, but both of their roles seem very underwritten. (Also, it looks to me as if the frames of Stryker's glasses are made of metal, which raises the question of why Magneto does not manipulate them when he is imprisoned.) (Nerd alert! Nerd alert!)
Kelly Hu looks yummy as Magneto's business-suited henchwoman with a secret, but her throwdown with Wolverine is so senselessly, annoyingly violent that impressionable little kids in the audience will be asking their mommies, "Sheesh, is this a snuff film, or what?"
I never would have imagined two weeks ago that I would be so bored by "X2" that I would want it to end sooner...and that the movie I would want to see again would be the completely-out-of-left-field "Holes." Sometimes, life truly is stranger than comic books.
Back Row Grade: D
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