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Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
(Reviewed May 9, 2002)
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I really, really don't like Star Wars movies. If you do, you'll probably like this one. It includes everything about this series that has failed to move me in the past: Bad writing, embarrassing acting, and a general air of mediocre dumbness. The special effects are okay as always -- but as always are in service of nothing. This movie is more like a CGI demo reel than a narrative. In fact, it is kind of like bad porn in that respect: The "story," such as it is, is only here to break up the money shots.
Also, director/writer George Lucas displays a strange sort of arrogant contempt for audiences by bringing back the universally despised Jar-Jar Binks for several excruciating scenes in this installment. If you hated him in "Phantom Menace" -- and who didn't? -- you will wonder what sort of lofty artistic integrity compelled Lucas to give him more screen time here.
Hayden Christensen, as the Jedi knight who will grow up to become Darth Vader, is about as dark and menacing as a poodle in a snit. (The haircut doesn't help.) His romance with Natalie Portman's character is thoroughly, laughably unconvincing; they have zero chemistry. For example, a fireside tete-a-tete between the two is so cheesy and cornball that it does not even rise to the level of an afternoon soap opera.
The only two people who come off well in this so-bad-it's-gotta-be-a-blockbuster debacle, however, are Portman and Ewan (Obi-Wan Kenobi) McGregor. Portman because she is such a delicious little knockout (especially in her "dude, where's my bra" white bodysuit), and McGregor because he is the only one here who at least makes an attempt to convey a personality (Alec Guinness's personality, to be specific).
Much as I would like to, I can't give an "F" rating to a movie in which the staggeringly beautiful Natalie Portman is shown straining so fetchingly against chains, or cinched so sensuously into a black corset. Hey, nothing's completely bad, right?
Back Row Grade: D-
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