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Abandon hope, all ye who enter here! This is where movies' endings are thoroughly spoiled, given away, and just plain ruined, all in the interest of making dubious points of
criticism.
If you have not seen the movies listed on this page, DON'T READ ANY FURTHER! This page is intended only for those who have seen the movies in question, and who want to know what my obscure
references on the main backrowreviews.com site are all about.
PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK!
Send suggestions, complaints, praises and ridicule to:
spoilers@backrowreviews.com
And now, let the games begin...
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Index of Movies
Click the movie's title and go to its shameless spoiler. Good God, what could be easier?
Cast Away (not "Castaway," oddly enough)
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- "Cast Away"
(Reviewed December 12, 2000)
- Here are just a few of the many things I hated about this movie's ending:
The scene in which Hanks is found floating at sea is followed by a cut to a neatly shaven and coiffed Hanks on a plane with the subtitle "Four Weeks Later." Whaaaaa???? Was that cargo ship going in
circles for a month? Even if it was a mighty slow boat, it would not be too big a stretch to assume that FedEx, the media, or SOMEBODY would send a helicopter to get Hanks back on dry land with All
Due Speed. So, then, did Hanks spend those four weeks recuperating in a hospital? We don't know. But if so, are we really expected to believe that Helen Hunt would not get her shapely ass on a plane and
come visit him during all that time? Pretty damned unlikely.
Even more unlikely, to the point of criminally insulting the audience's intelligence, is Hunt's failure to walk through a door in order to meet with Hanks after his FedEx "welcome home" event at
the airport. Instead, her new husband tells Hanks that Hunt "needs a little more time." Then Hanks watches from a window as the new hubby and a tearful Hunt get in their car and drive away. Whaaaaa???
God, it's stupid. And that ridiculous scene only exists to set up the most contrived one in the film, which is covered in the very next paragraph.
Because Hunt just could not bring herself to face the love of her life after thinking him dead for nearly five years (man, I feel stupid even TYPING that sentence), Hanks takes a dead-of-night cab
ride to her house, so they can stand around in the dark stillness of her happy home feeling awkward, and so he can stare poignantly at the wedding and baby photos that seem to cover every square inch of
her walls, shelves and refrigerator. (Another insult, but on a different level, is the filmmakers' implication that Hunt hanging onto Hanks' car for five years is a miraculous act of preservation. As the owner
of a beat-up 13-year-old clunker that is about to fail another smog test, I thought that bit of "let them eat cakism" smacked a little too loudly of "wealthy Hollywood mentality.")
The final scene (the just plain dumb one that I mentioned in my main review of this movie) is flat-out preposterous. Okay, follow this: A guy is rescued at sea and gets so much publicity that he is
on the cover of People magazine. Knowing our novelty-obsessed culture, he would be so overexposed he would make the "Survivor" cast look like unknowns. But apparently nobody in the media bothers
to mention the one thing that he manages to bring back with him from the island, a single unopened FedEx box--even though that would be his story's neatest little "hook," especially to the marketing and
promotion people at FedEx itself. In the real world, the person that package was going to would be interviewed extensively herself, and become a "sidebar" celebrity in her own right. FedEx probably would
make a ceremony out of presenting her with the precious package. What absolutely would NOT happen is that Hanks would hang onto the package himself (maybe he hid it in his ass all that time), drive it to
its "return to sender" address all by his lonesome WITHOUT USING THE PHONE NUMBER THAT PRESUMABLY IS ON THE SHIPPING LABEL TO CALL AHEAD FIRST, leave the package on
the front porch with a note saying that it saved his life, and then meet the babe-a-licious, pickup-driving, randy-and-ready fox who lives in the house at the next intersection as she is on her way home. Good
lord!
(return to index of titles)
-FIN-
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