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Signs
(Reviewed July 30, 2002)
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Know how you'll be sitting around talking about nothing with a bunch of your friends, and then somebody brings up the old TV show "The Twilight Zone," and everybody starts recounting all of the great, classic episodes? And then you find out that some channel will be running a "Twilight Zone" marathon, so you gleefully set the VCR to record several hours' worth, and then kick back to watch the tape? And then, to your complete shock and disappointment, you realize that a whole lot of them weren't any good at all--that, in fact, most of the episodes of that show were just plain dumb, predictable as hell, or insultingly silly?
Well, "Signs" is the 2002 equivalent of one of those thoroughly lousy, embarrassing "Twilight Zone" episodes that nobody remembers fondly. Jesus Christ, it's bad. It's so bad that you leave the theatre mad at director/writer M. Night Shama-lama-dingdong, mad at the deceptive ad campaign, mad at the fact that now another director can't possibly use the subject matter of crop circles without looking like a Johnny-come-lately even though they actually do not figure much into the plot of "Signs" at all, and mad at yourself for throwing away good money that you could have used for something more satisfying, such as shoving up your nose, burning or employing as toilet tissue.
This movie sucks so hard it disappears in a black hole, reappears, and sucks itself back in again in an endlessly repeating loop of cosmic, colossal crappiness.
The only "sign" you'll care about as you watch this disappointing drivel is the one that says "Exit." Run for it. Quickly. Quickly, damn you!
Back Row Grade: F
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