BB's Blonde Jokes


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BeachBabe's Blonde Jokes
447 jokes of questionable taste!
I think I have removed all the duplicates, but if you find some, please feel free to let me know. Thanks!
thebeachbabe@hotmail.com

Christmas Blondes
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

The Best Blonde Joke
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde joke.

The Blind Man's Blonde Joke
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.".

Our first BLONDE GUY joke.... and well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building.
"The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

There were two blonde guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

BLONDE DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
HelOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

The Blonde Millionaire
A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin. Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"
Pam: "Yes."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."
Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"
Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..."
Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."
Pam: "Are you sure?"
Carol: "I'm sure."
Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"
Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo".
Regis:" Is that your final answer?"
Pam: "Yes."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."
Regis: "You said C) cuckoo... And you're right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her," Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Pam, it was easy," replies her friend. "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."

BLONDE COOKBOOK
Monday: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden?
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).
For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
Good night Dear Diary.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

BLONDES IN HEAVEN
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder...
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter is expected to recover soon.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to lean away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately her boot becomes entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....
Susan, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

"A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen. The surprised salesman replies: "But, madam, computers do not have curtains...."
And the blonde said: "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she thought General Motors was in the army.
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she studied for a blood test.
...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
...she sold the car for gas money!
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left, "she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
...she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front"

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container . . .
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

DEGRESS OF BLONDE
1st DEGREE:
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said: "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

2nd DEGREE:
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

3rd DEGREE:
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun; and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

4th DEGREE:
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy - - - - - ' W' "

5th DEGREE:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

6th DEGREE:
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch, and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..."
"Uh, ma'am, 'the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up! Your next!"

A little blond girl comes home from school and runs to her Mum saying "Mummy, today at school we learned how to count and all the other girls could only count to 5, but listen to me 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 - that's good isn't it?"
''Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blonde?"
"Yes Darling, it' because your blonde."
Next day the little girl comes back from school - "Mummy, today at school we learned the alphabet and all the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H - that's good isn't it?"
"Yes Darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blonde?"
"Yes Darling, it's because your blonde."
Next day she returns from school - "Mummy, today we went swimming. All the other girls had no breasts but look at me She proceeds to flash her impressive 38Ds at her Mummy. Is that because I'm blonde Mummy?"
"No Darling, it's because you're 23."

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in Manchester. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general ... and all in the name of humour!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2:00 a.m. in the morning. The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some women wanted to know if the coast is clear."

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" He ignores her again and continues down the street.
The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says: "Hi, my name is Kevin and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"

*The Line Painter*
A Blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.
The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The Blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found that the Blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average!
"Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the Blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well, she's still at the average, and I don't want to discourage her. I'll just keep quiet."
On the third day, the Blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this
gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile.
Why? Is there a problem? An injury? Equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2-mile minimum?"
The Blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things ..... 1 - The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal. 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectal deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectal deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Really annoyed now, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container:
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

How did the blonde explain how her helicopter crashed?
She said it was getting cold so she turned off the ceiling fan.

Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?
She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.

What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
Double-Dumb

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?
The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

What do you call an all-blonde skydiving team?
A new version of the Lawn Darts game.

Two blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second. "I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping".
"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, but found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity - if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it."A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch it's a Ferrari."

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

How To Knock Off A Blonde
A brunette was jumping on railroad tracks saying "21,21, 21,21..." when a blonde walked up and thought it was fun so she started doing it. About a half hour went by and train comes, the brunette jumps off but the blonde stays on. BAM!!! When the train was totally passed the brunette started jumping on it again saying " 22,22,22,22..."

A BLONDE EMERGENCY
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And, she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes."
Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."
She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers.
Then she picks up her money and her clothes and the dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb

Did you hear about the blonde whose apartment was on fire? She called the fire department screaming, "Help me help me! My apartment is on fire and I'm trapped on the balcony!" The fireman quickly responds, "We'll be right out. Tell me how to get there."
The blonde replies, "DUH....Big Red Truck!"

A young blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices. "I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one shopkeeper, "so I can get a pair of shoes for free." She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in. She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up. "Oh, no!" the blonde shouted in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me."

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Q: What does a blonde get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a television.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: Why don't blondes breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A Labrador.
A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.

Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/ Panama Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch the other is a dissy bitch.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No".

Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
R: I don't know.
A: Neither did she.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, he said to herself "oh well!" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.
The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie".
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing cows don't fly."

A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."

... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"

Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent to a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: But why do brunettes take the pill?
A: Wishful thinking.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What do you call 25 blondes on top of each other?
A: An air mattress.

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.

Did you hear about the blonde who...
...had more on her body than on her mind?
...was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
...took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
...got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
...was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
...had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
...thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
...was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
...after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
...went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
...brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears.
"What's the matter?" asked the Doc..
"I going to have puppies.".....

Q: What's the difference between a blond and a shopping cart.
A: A shopping cart has a mind of it's own.

Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.

Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?:
"Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Never mind that! What was she doing out of the bedroom?!?

Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She'd just dyed her hair.
A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
A: An IN-body experience!

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get her soap.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

Q: What do blondes do with their ass holes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themselves.
A2: Walks home.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A: Bucket seats.

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: I mean, who really cares?
A3: The batteries have run out.

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag)?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?"

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: "What's a light bulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daddy!"

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain linked fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Three people were walking down the street. Santa Claus, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde. They all saw a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who got it?
A: The dumb blonde got it because the other two are fictional!

Q: How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave at her.

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How does a blonde spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blonde going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: A foursome.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said "concentrate".

Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
A: She wanted to go on a round trip.

Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A: She thought it was diet coke.

Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A: From trying to blow out light bulbs.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What can save a dying blonde?
A: Hair transplants.

Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A: A hundred dollar bill.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 4 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.

Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
A: It's called MAIDS - if the don't get one, they die.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea"?
A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that stood in front of her mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know which ONE came first...

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

.Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

Q: What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's ?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.

Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and go seek winner.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do...

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: A blonde electrician

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Q: A guy asked his blonde wife "How did you get the car in the living room"?
A: She said "I drove it through the kitchen and took a left."

Q: Someone asked if a blonde believed in smoking.
A: She said "Yes, I've seen it done."

Did you hear about the blonde who:
Was called "" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
Took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?
After watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
Brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Named her dog herpes....because it wouldn't heel.
Thought Taco Bell was the Mexican Phone Company.
Had more on her body than on her mind?
Had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
Thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

A blonde got tired of being one so she died her hair brown.
She decided to go for a ride in the country and came across a farmer crossing his many sheep over the road.
"If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me a lamb?" she inquired.
"OK," said the farmer.
The gal guessed correctly and picked out her lamb. "Now," she said. "If you can tell what color my hair is, I'll give you back this little fellow."
"OK," said the farmer. "Your a blonde and now give me back my dog!"

Q: Did you hear that they outlawed "the wave" at Dodger Stadium?
A: Four blondes drowned at a game last year.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that drove her pickup into the lake?
A: Her dog drowned while she tried to get the tailgate down.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who was tap dancing?
A: She broke her ankle when she fell into the sink.

Q: Why don't blondes eat barbecue beans?
A: Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.

Q: How can you tell a blonde is on location at a drilling rig?
A: She's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.

Q: How many blondes does it take to eat an armadillo?
A: Three. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars.

Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up,
"Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde got real excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"

A blonde aggie decides to raise chickens. So, she goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. She takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. She waters them, but they die. She goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that she bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time she plants them with their heads sticking down. She waters them, but they die also. She then sends a letter to her alma mater, describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample.

Q: Did you know that ice is no longer available in the drinks at the Blondes Only Club in Beverly Hills?
A: The blonde who knew the recipe moved away.

A blonde happens across a professor who is staring intently into an aquarium.
The blonde, says, "Professor, what are you doing?"
The professor answers, "I'm attempting mental telepathy with this fish. You see, if my mind is stronger than theirs, I can control their thoughts. Umm, why don't you try it!"
The blonde, certain of her ability to successfully control the fish, stares into the tank for a few seconds. Then, all of the sudden, her eyes start bugging and her mouth makes a little 'o' shape like she's pushing water through her gills.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde Buddhist Monk?
A: She kept telling her students to contemplate the sound of two hands clapping.

Two blondes are walking along when they see this set of tracks. The first one says "Those are tiger tracks."
"No" says the second one "those are elephant tracks."
WHAM...the next minute they both got hit by a train.

A blonde is in the middle of an empty field, sitting in a row boat, pretending to row.
Suddenly, a car pulls up and another blonde gets out. "It's blondes like you that give us a bad name!" she yelled. "If I could swim I'd come out there and deck you!"

Two blondes are walking down the street, the first one says, "Look, a dead bird!"
The second one looks up and says, "Where... where?

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They cant find the pull tab.

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blondegone yet?

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Introduces herself.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.

Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Open the car door.

THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A: Who cares?

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A2: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK. What is the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My gosh!", the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by and elephant. Are you OK, ma'am?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine." the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front on me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
A2: Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.

Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They can never find the "11" in "9-1-1".

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde on her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: So men can understand them.

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad cause all the people were leaving.

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainlandand estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

A dumb blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter.
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!"

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Q: What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?
A: Divorced.

Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some condoms (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."

Blonde Medical Terminology
Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited

Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
A: It was easier to spell.

Q: What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen?
A: Far-from-thinkin.

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

Q: What did the blonde get on her A.C.T.?
A: Nail polish!

Did you hear the one about the blonde who held up the flight to Hawaii because she woudn't leave first class despite the fact that she has a Coach ticket? The captain finally got her to move to her seat on the back of the plane by telling her first class wasn't going to Hawaii."

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning?"

There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat. The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops."
As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any cops?"
The blonde replies, "Yes."
The brunette says, "Are they behind us?" "Yes."
"Are they close?" "Yes."
"Are they going to stop us?" "I don't know."
The brunette says, "Well, are their lights on?"
The blonde replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."

Three blondes are walking on the beach whereupon they find a lamp with a genie in it ... Genie says "look girls, there are three of you.. so only ONE wish each! 1st blonde says "Genie, I think that I would like to be a little bit smarter"... POOF!!! She is a REDHEAD!
2nd blonde says "Genie,... I think I would like to be a little smarter still!"...POOF!!! She is a BRUNETTE!
3rd blonde says "Genie... I have been a blonde ALL my life!..Men buy me cars,..give me money,...and jewels... I think I would like to be a little DUMBER!!"...POOF!!! She is a MAN!!

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".
An hour later the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".
One blonde says to the other, "if we lose another engine, we'll be up here all day!"

FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the questions on the paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin, and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."

Q: What are three blonde inventions?
1. A solar powered flashlight
2. An ejection seat on a helicopter
3. A screen door on a submarine

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

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