Auction- A popular, social gathering where you can change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset.

Azorturia (Monday Morning Sickness)- condition brought on by showing horses all weekend. Symptoms inlude the feeling of dread at having to get out of bed on mondays and go to work or school.

Barn Sour- An affiliation common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly.

Big Name Trainer- Cult leader:Horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children's college funds and their IRA's to support them-as they have a direct link to "The Most High Ones" (Judges).

Bog Spavin- The feeling of panic when riding through marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.

Colic- The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows

Colt- What your mare always gives you if you want a filly.

Contracted Foot- The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot

Corn- Small callus growths formed from the continual wear of cowboy boots

Drench- Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administers mineral oil to his horse.

Endurance Ride- The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.

Equitation- The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crowhop, shy, and buck his way around a show ring.

Feed- Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure.

Fences- Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against. and jump over. (see inbreeding)

Flea-bitten- a condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who also own dogs and cats.

Flies- The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off, or knock ou over….he cannot be punished.

Founder- The discovery of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or a cornfield. Used like- "Hey, honey, I found'er."

Founder- A condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner.

Frog- small amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when stepped on.

Gallop- The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn.

Gates- Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.

Girth Sores- Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of mid-section by fashionable large western belt buckles.

Green Broke- The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the Big Name Trainer

Grooming- The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.

Grooms- Heavy stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills.

Hay- A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.

Head Shy- A reluctance to use the public restroom at a horse show. Always applies to pit toilets (Porta Potties).

Head Tosser- A blonde-haired man/woman who wears fashion boots while working in the barn.

Heaves- The act of unloading a truck full of hay.

Hobbles- Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.

Hock- The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.

Hoof Pick- Useful, curbed metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoes.

Horse Shoes- Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw.

Inbreeding- The breeding results of a broken/inadequate pasture fencing.

Jumping- The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.

Lameness- The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.

Lead Rope- A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns. Also used by an excited horse to take a handler for a drag.

Longeing- A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.

Manure Spreader- Horse traders

Mosquitos- Radar equuiped blood sucking insects that typically reach the size of small birds.

Mustang- The type of horse your husband woould gladly trade your favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8.

Overreaching- A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in at the end of the show season.

Parasites- Small children (no flames please) that get in your way when you work in the barn. Many gather in swarms at horse shows.

Pinto- A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean grey horse that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes.

Pony- The true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via transported semen-that was advertised as 15 hands tall.

Proud Flesh- The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes.

Quarter Cracks- The comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horses.

Quittor- A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns.

Race- What your does when you see the vet bill.

Rasp- An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the knuckles.

Reins- Break-away leather device used to tie horses with.

Ringworms- Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides at horse shows.

Sacking Out- A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.

Saddle- An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give to the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built in ejector seats.

Saddle Sore- The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show.

Sleeping Sickness- A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.

Splint- An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of a horse and his passenger.

Stall- What your truck does on the way to the horse show, 50 miles from the closest town.

Tack Room- A room where every item necessary to work with or train with your horse ahs been put, in a place which it cannot be found in less than 30 minutes.

Twisted Gut- The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show.

Versatility- An owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences, and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon.

Vet Catalog- An illustrated brochere provided to stable owners that features a wide array of products that are currently out of stock or have been dropped from a company's inventory.

Weaving- The movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road with a rambunctious horse in it.

Whip Marks- The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging branch go. (Also caused by a wet or dry horse tail accross the face while cleaning hooves.)

Windpuffs- Stallion owners. Also applies to used car salesmen.

Withers- The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.

Yearling- The age at which all horse comepletly forget the things you taught them previously.

Youngstock- A general term used for all equites old enough to bite, kick, or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground.

Zoo- The typical atmosphere around most horse farms.

The test:

A Enter at ordinary serpentine

X Sprawl. Salute

C Stop dead. Stare in horror at judge and shy to left. Continue at ordinary working trot.

E Stagger left 20 or 15 or 22 meters in diameter circle or pear shape or 5 pointed star. Avoid excessive crossing of legs.

K Begin to halt

Z Keep trying

F You can do it

B Pulley rein. Give up. Continue at out of hand gallop.

H Regain right stirrup. Continue at ordinary trot, bouncing.

MKT Change rein. Free walk loose reins. Remove horse from judges luncheon table. Ask judge for leg up. Jump back into the ring.

Z Turn down center line. Halt. Grin. Scratch. Burst into tears. Leave arena at free walk on long reins. Loose language.

Man To Vet: Doctor, sometimes my horse limps and sometimes she walks fine.

Vet: Next time she walks ok, sell her!

I'd like a drivers license for my horse.

What makes you think we give driver's licenses to horses?

Well you give them to jackasses don't you?

What animal has more hands than feet?

Why, a horse of course!

Have you read the book "100 Mile Horse Trek?"

Who wrote it?

Major Bumsore!

Why did the horse go behind the tree?

To change his jockeys!

If a horse poops in the aisle and nobody hears it......do you have to clean it up?

Excuse me a moment, I have to go throw some more money on my horse.

Equus...Costus...Muchas

OR

Equus...Keepus...Brokus

Gotta go...my horse is ringing for room service...

10. Found ice-fishing too stimulating

9. I enjoy wearing full formal wear rain or shine.

8. Who wouldn't love spending afternoons riding in circles geting yelled at.

7. Just love subjecting friends and family to my latest equine video spectatular.

6. My chiropractor needs a new car.

5. Wanted to find a place my husband/wife/parents wouldn't go- a.k.a. the barn.

4. Had tired of spending cold winters by the fire, and hot summers by the pool.

3. My lawyer wanted me to have 3 judges.

2. Lived for the sport where I could say "Piaffe" to the judges.

1. I had WAY too much money in my bank account.

I had a near death experience that changed me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starting bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as I was about to lose consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. Thank goodness for heroes.

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There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting a bit old, so the zoo keeper decided, as a treat, that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited,

"Hi! I'm a zebra what are you?" "I'm a cow" said the cow. "Right, right what do you do?" "I make milk for the farmer" "Cool."

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it:

"Hi, I'm a zebra what are you?" "I'm a chicken," said the chicken. "Oh, right, what do you do ?" "I make eggs for the farmer" "Right... Oh, great see ya round."

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said:

"Hi, I'm a zebra what are you?" "I am a Stallion," said the stallion. "Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pajamas darling and I'll show you."

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How many horses does it take to change a light bulb?

Thoroughbred: Who ME?? Do WHAT? I'm scared of light bulbs! I'm outta here!

Arabian: Someone else do it. It might get my silky mane dirty and besides, who's gonna read me the instructions?

Quarter Horse: Put all the bulbs in a pen and tell me which one you want

Standardbred: Oh for Christ Sakes, give me the damn bulb and let's be done with it.

Shetland: Give it to me. I'll kill it and we won't have to worry about it anymore.

Fresian: I would, but I can't see where I'm going from behind all this mane.

Belgian: Put the Shetland on my back, maybe he can reach it then.

Warmblood: Is the 2nd Level Instruction Packet in English? Doesn't anyone realize that I was sold for $75K as a yearling, but only because my hocks are bad, otherwise I would be worth $100K? I am NOT changing lightbulbs. Make the TB get back here and do it.

Morgan: Me! Me! Me! Pleeease let me! I wanna do it! I'm gonna do it!I know how, really I do! Just watch! My parole officer said it's okay, really! And when we're done we can go over to the neighbors and chasetheir cats!

Appaloosa: Ya'll are a bunch of losers. We don't need to change the light bulb, I ain't scared of the dark. And someone make that dang Morgan stop jumping up and down before I double barrel him.

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