I was a female impersonator and a homosexual too. One day I asked God, "Why can't a man meet my needs?" And God said to me, "Because you're looking for love in all the wrong places." God often speaks to me through Eddie Rabbitt songs.

That's when I realized that knowing God loves me even though I am a female impersonator and a homosexual is the very first step.

The next step, shock treatments. You don't need to be a professional to do this. Just stop by Radio Shack and pick up the Realistic Shock Treatment System. The good news is, it's inexpensive and easy to use. The bad news is, it takes forty-two "D" batteries.

Now you need a slide projector with remote control and two slides: one of Keanu Reeves, and one of Shelley Winters. Alternate between the two slides: when Keanu Reeves is on the screen and you find yourself getting aroused, give yourself a long painful shock. When Shelley Winters is on the screen, touch your penis until you find yourself feeling pleasure.

One unanticipated side effect of this is that whenever you watch "The Poseidon Adventure" you will get a boner. But God understands this.

Keep this up, and one day you too will be able to call your friends and say, "No longer am I a female impersonator and a homosexual too!" Some will be happy for you. Others will ask if they can have your disco albums now that you no longer need them.

Ignore them. But keep them away from your pants the next time "The Poseidon Adventure" is on.