What's New in Martha's Kitchen

1 July 2002

It's time to stop apologizing for not updating the site and get down to business. To begin with, some updates. My precious granddaughter, Morrighan Leigh, is now 3-1/2 years old and the joy of my life. To see some recent photos I've taken of my darlin' Morra, go to Next Page

Regarding the doctors who allegedly caused my mother's death. I have, indeed, worked on forgiving them for their carelessness and inability to save her precious life. On the other hand, I have followed their careers and the New York State Physician Profile website. The main surgeon who operated on Mom recently had quite a pay out in a settlement of a malpractice suit. I was gratified to see that, on one hand. On the other hand, it saddened me that someone else had to die at his hand. I do not believe that the doctors set out to harm Martha; I just believe that their carelessness resulted in the loss of my mother.

29 March 2000

I owe too many apologies to too many people, and apologies never were my strong points.  Many people have written to me asking me to update this site, and I feel like I have let you all down for sometime.  Part of the lack of updates was busy-ness, and part was due to laziness, but mostly I avoided this web site because I couldn't deal with the pain it took to sit here and write and feel the things I did not want to feel.  Maybe I'm better now because I am sitting at the keyboard and writing this.  Maybe I'm beginning to heal more fully and completely than before.  Maybe I'm growing up.  I can share with you one very profound thing I've learned since my dear mom, Martha, died:  We never fully grow up until we lose our mothers.  We may think we have; we may pretend we have, but trust me on this, we never fully enter adulthood until our mom's are gone.  And that is another sadness, but one which we can deal with.  The point is there is no choice but to deal with it; no choice at all.

Martha has been gone nearly three years now.  During that time I tried (in vain) with the help of a dear, caring, and gifted attorney to bring legal action against the doctors who (I am legally required to add the word ALLEGEDLY or IN MY OPINION here) were responsible for my mother's death.  The action never went anywhere due to my mother's age.  Can you believe that in NYS when a person is old or young, their life is worth nothing in terms of lawsuits or litigation.  I find that so sad.  Not that I wanted the money.  In fact I didn't want any.  I had thought I would take what's left of the family on a trip and donate the rest to a charity in her name as I didn't want the money.  I wanted some kind of satisfaction and closure on this.  It didn't come.  Sometimes our system works, and sometimes it doesn't.  If I sound very angry, it's because I am.  And that anger will probably be with me always.  

I am now working on forgiveness, trying to forgive the doctors for their errors, for their attitudes, and for everything real or imagined that they did wrong with this.  It's not easy, but I believe that when I am able to accomplish this I will be granted more peace.  Not that I haven't found peace, mind you, but I could certainly use some more of it!

Some wonderful things have graced my life since I last wrote in this diary!  My daughter Heather presented me with the most wonderful gift I've ever laid eyes on!  Morrighan Leigh was born on December 2, 1998.  She is gorgeous and loved and happy and HOME! She spends lots of time with Nanny (I couldn't be "grandma" as that was a name I felt was reserved for MY mother!).  Morra is now 15 months old -- 2-1/2 feet of love and energy and pure innocence.  Morra reminds me so much of Heather, yet she is definitely her own person.  At times this is bittersweet - Martha is not here to see her Great Granddaughter, but maybe they met at someplace in time before Morra arrived here and Martha arrived there.  I like to think that.  I really do.  For those of you who haven't seen her, here's Morra:

 Heather and long-time beau Tim were married on March 16, 1999, and just celebrated their first wedding anniversary with a trip to Niagara Falls.  They are very happy together and just moved very close to here.

In my spare time I have become very involved with genealogy and searching my family history.  I had sort of begun this when my mom was still alive and even before when Philip and my Dad were still here.  I took notes (well I scribbled some stuff down!), but now I am doing real genealogical research and enjoying that journey.  I need to know where I came from, who I came from, and whose mitochondria I carry in every aspect of my being.

I won't make promises here that I can't keep, but I will try my best to keep up with the web site and the diary (which is the most popular part of the site).  I wish KimBoo York would contact me again -- KimBoo, if you see this, please get back in touch!  I want to know how you are doing!  If anyone wants to contribute an article please email it to me, and we'll add it here.  Ditto for the memorials which are always welcome.  Although the site hasn't been updated, I placed each and every memorial I received during my hiatus.

 Aren't we very special women, the daughters of our mothers?  Think about it.  We are giving and caring and we do stick together and try to help one another.  I am blessed to have had Martha in my life.  I am blessed to have so many things in my life.  Even with the blessings, not a day goes by that I don't shed a tear for Martha and me and what could have continued to be and wasn't and what was and can't be anymore.  But life is good, and we move forward.  We carry our memories and our tears with us.  We carry them for a lifetime, and hopefully, beyond.  

May God give you many blessings today.  May you share them wisely.  Thank you for sharing them with me.

With warmest regards,

Annie

January 1, 1999

I feel like the wayward child who has come home.  Not gone by choice really (although we all always do have choices, don't we?), but more by circumstance.  Much was happening in my life that I could not share here, did not dare to share with many.  More courage is needed by Annie!  And time that ever precious commodity seemed to mark faster than I could deal with.

My daughter, Heather, gave birth to my granddaughter, Morrighan Leigh, on December 2nd. She is a petite lass with deep blue eyes and brown hair and looks very much like my father.  Oh how I wish Martha was here to share this with me, to see and love and hold her great-granddaughter.  What a gift this little one is.  And what a gift her mother was to me!

Facing another year without Mom has me hurting, and I know I am not alone in my pain for so many of you are in pain as well.  I wish for you a new beginning this year, a re-invention of yourself (for that is my goal) -- to reinvent Ann -- without Martha, without our mothers.  For those dear women are incorporated into us, they are a part of every fiber in us, but it is time to say so long.  To move forward with our own journey.  To seek the lights we have chosen to move toward in the distance.

I also seek to have more faith - - in both God and man.  To allow God to do all things in His time, not mine is a difficult lesson for me to learn.  To allow other people to make their own decisions (for me to give up the illusion of control) is also quite a daunting task.  These and others will be my challenges in the year to come.

Much love & happy new year,

Annie